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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried this will change our relationship

492 replies

topandtailem · 26/08/2020 08:45

Good relationship with parents in law. See them regularly, they dote on our 3YO and help with childcare (at their request, we’ve always been clear we’re happy to put her in nursery more often). I’ve always been aware that MIL doesn’t necessarily agree with everything we do or parenting choices we make but that’s up to her and we’ve always rubbed along okay.

They recently promised us money to help with buying a bigger house in a better area. Now, after we’ve sold our house, had an offer accepted, paid for a survey and paid for mortgage arrangement fee, they’ve withdrawn the offer.

That’s fine, they’re within their rights and although I’m gutted, this is one of the reasons you have to be careful accepting money from others. I get it. I can move on.

But the reasons they’ve given basically boil down to them thinking that it isn’t the right house for our daughter and she won’t be happy there and they can’t condone our decision.

This is what I keep dwelling on. We have chosen that house purely based on it being the perfect house for our family. Great area, great schools, lovely garden. Do my parents in law think I’m a bad parent? That they need to intervene to stop us from making a selfish decision that will hurt our child?

So putting the house and the money aside, how do I get past this? I want a good relationship with them but when we spoke on the phone last night she just refused to be moved and said she wasn’t making the decision lightly and she hadn’t slept in days. She just wants what is best for her grand daughter. Which to me is reiterating that point that we can’t be trusted to make that choice ourselves. I’m not sure I can easily forgive her for this.

If it matters, we’re early thirties, gainfully employed, daughter is thriving.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 27/08/2020 19:03

That's great news that you can buy the house without them! I think it is actually preferable to do it without their help. The help was obviously not conditionless...

Keeva2017 · 27/08/2020 19:41

That’s brilliant op! I’m definitely over invested in your house buying so very happy for you! Grin

NataliaOsipova · 27/08/2020 19:44

@topandtailem That’s really good news - hope you’ll all be really happy in your new home. You sound like a really moderate, sensible person (I should take a leaf out of your book!) - I’m sure a bit of time and space will enable you to see things more clearly. Definitely some food for thought re your in laws though - I think a measured reassessment of relationships and arrangements wouldn’t go amiss after all of this.

Beachbodylonggone · 27/08/2020 19:50

Result!! Hopefully they accept moving forward you and dh are the actual parents and bloody good ones !

Suzi888 · 27/08/2020 19:55

I’d be taking a big step back from them. How dare they!
I think it’s quite a spiteful thing to do last minute too.

Never accept money from them, I think it’ll come with a lot of strings, which they’ll inform you off after the transaction has taken place.

As for moving on from this....Never broach the subject of money or house choices or anything major again. You’ve had a lucky escape. I think I’d be minimising the contact they had with my child.

OliviaBenson · 27/08/2020 21:29

Great you can buy the house. I'd not have them visit though. Keep them at arms length and visit them at theirs only on your terms.

billy1966 · 27/08/2020 21:58

They didn't approve of the house, I certainly wouldn't be inviting them over to view it.

LadyLairdArgyll · 27/08/2020 22:14

Great news OP, but I agree, keep them away Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 22:34

Be REALLY careful about assuming that a close relationship with your DD is an 'obvious' good thing with people like this.

Honestly, it will be too late to draw boundaries when your DD is telling you that she doesn't agree with what you've decided about X and what's more, Granny agrees, has told her you've always been not as good at Granny as knowing what's good for her and Granny has said she can move in with her/get the money from her at any time...

These sound like extremely manipulative people that you've had a 'good relationship' with for so long because you've always pretty much bent to their will.

They actually think it is their place to tell you they know best for YOUR child, and to create such an appallingly obvious scenario of disrespect to you as parents and even as adults - to offer money, then withdraw it like that.

They don't respect your family unit. They don't respect you.

What I suspect will happen is that now you will start to see this more - as they actively have something which is in your jurisdiction that they would like to take active charge of, ie your dd.

What I think will happen is that they will start to undermine you with her, to (subtly) try and make sure she spends a lot of time with them, and to position themselves as just as central in her life as you are.

Don't let them.

It's sad, but this shows you that these are NOT the kind of grandparents you can allow to get that close.

Days out, yes.
Family time and visits to yours, yes.
Childcare? Use the opportunity of the move to cut that right back (fuck it, tell them that you think it's inappropriate for them to be as involved in that sense as quite frankly you have no intention of giving someone who has the fucking cheek to think they are the ones who need to be overruling you on family decisions access to that much of your child's time)

Keep them at arms length and let your DH tell them why.

Really, you have absolutely no reason to not rock the boat here. If someone had the utter cheek to loftily tell me that they considered our family plans to not be in the best interests of OUR children and try and use financial leverage to 'slap us down' like that - omg I don't think that they would be seeing my child for a long time.

Toxic grandparents aren't always the grumpy nasty ones.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/08/2020 22:36

Talk to your DH more, but I would make damn sure that the relationship going forward was a LOT more polite, distant... and infrequent.

Nursery, for sure.

Don't even dress it up.

They really, REALLY overstepped the mark.

They can't provide childcare now they've demonstrated this level of arrogance and wannabe controlling.

timeisnotaline · 28/08/2020 00:41

Attention to the language op- great you’re buying the house, but ‘DH went over to speak to them today and they’ve accepted that we’re going ahead.’ They don’t have to accept anything. It’s irrelevant. You and your dh are buying a house, they are bystanders in this process. You don’t have to see them next week.

DillyDilly · 28/08/2020 01:09

If it were me, I wouldn’t have told them you were going ahead with house purchase. I would have waited until contracts were signed or you’d a moving date organised.

The less they know about you, the better. I don’t think there’s any point explaining how they made you feel / keep a friendly distance and be mindful of how much you tell them about your lives.

Penguinnn · 28/08/2020 08:48

@topandtailem it’s totally bizarre how can they take against a house so vehemently when it’s not then living there?

Penguinnn · 28/08/2020 08:51

Them*

billy1966 · 28/08/2020 09:23

@DillyDilly

If it were me, I wouldn’t have told them you were going ahead with house purchase. I would have waited until contracts were signed or you’d a moving date organised.

The less they know about you, the better. I don’t think there’s any point explaining how they made you feel / keep a friendly distance and be mindful of how much you tell them about your lives.

I think think you are right Dilly.

For the husband to go over and tell them after they tried to blow up the transaction tells us a lot.

He's obviously intimidated by his parents.

stepmumSW5 · 28/08/2020 09:41

Hi Op

I would not take the money as this comes with a kid of strings and they will probably feel entitled to controlling not just your parenting of this child but your family life altogether.

Re them thinking they know better, this is quite common in some cultures and I would not take it to heart. My mil sometimes gives me some advice but I smile, nod and then just do whatever I want. And my DH does the same. Unless it's harming your mental health I would just ignore it.

MitziK · 28/08/2020 09:51

If they're saying you can't live in that house, then I'd be inclined to say 'Never mind, we've found another one. Lovely place, nursery, school. Shame about the transport links, as we wont be driving 150 miles to come back here that often and there's no train service, but I think were going to love it down there'

MulticolourMophead · 28/08/2020 10:38

@FizzyGreenWater

Talk to your DH more, but I would make damn sure that the relationship going forward was a LOT more polite, distant... and infrequent.

Nursery, for sure.

Don't even dress it up.

They really, REALLY overstepped the mark.

They can't provide childcare now they've demonstrated this level of arrogance and wannabe controlling.

My thoughts, too.
WashedUpDriedOut · 28/08/2020 10:48

They've accepted that you're going ahead with the house purchase?

It sounds like you're both seeking their permission and approval.

Why bother?

You're adults. You don't need permission from anyone.

I would seriously start to detach from them. They don't sound very nice at all.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/08/2020 11:04

@FizzyGreenWater

Talk to your DH more, but I would make damn sure that the relationship going forward was a LOT more polite, distant... and infrequent.

Nursery, for sure.

Don't even dress it up.

They really, REALLY overstepped the mark.

They can't provide childcare now they've demonstrated this level of arrogance and wannabe controlling.

The trouble as I see it with doing this, is that they are going to equate money with access to your child.

So in their heads, they promised money but had to withdraw that offer (they will see their reasons as perfectly sensible) and, because they withdrew the offer, you withdrew access to your DD. So they will spin it as you being unreasonable. They will absolutely NOT see their behaviour as unreasonable.

So they will see any lowering of access to your DD, not as because they disappointed you and tried to control you, but as you spitting the dummy out because they wouldn't give you money.

You either need to have a conversation very soon to explain your rationale (which they won't understand anyway) or risk them trying to 'buy your DD back'. Which may be insidious and indirect.

GabriellaMontez · 28/08/2020 11:34

So happy you're getting the house!

Its so hurtful when people turn out to be not who you thought. The only consolation is that you've found out sooner than later.

I'd put a little distance between them.

Sounds like your relationship is close. Too close? Is it really equal? You talk a lot about dh speaking to them as if he needs permission/ them to ok things.

MulticolourMophead · 28/08/2020 13:55

Zaphodsotherhead I can see the point you're making.

But even without a conversation, I wouldn't be trusting the DD in their hands, because they've already shown that they'll do what they want "in the interests of the child" (in their opinion), and disregard the actual parents of the child.

I'd be telling the PIL, not having a conversation, because a conversation implies a 2 way discussion that takes their views into account.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/08/2020 13:59

Oh they will try and 'buy' the DD anyway. And any other grandchildren.

Because they want to be in control and they don't respect their son's family.

I really hope OP is taking all this on board. These grandparents are really bad news.

Zaphodsotherhead · 28/08/2020 14:39

Yes, to the PP's above who've pointed out that they will try to 'buy' the DD anyway. I didn't make it clear in my post that I was actually in favour of keeping DD away from them, because, I agree, a 'conversation' won't be possible with people like this.

Rubbleonthedouble1 · 28/08/2020 14:42

Is be very upset to find out how controlling they actually are (and that comes from someone who has batshit crazy in laws!!)