To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

I was bullied as a kid, because of my own surname among other things, and I suppose I always stayed in the back of my mind. I was happy to change when I got married.

@victoria0132

Because I preferred his, really not that much to it!

You're obviously deluded if you think that was the real reason according to posters here.

Correction: who OUR family members are. My grammar is at fault here, can't blame this on predictive text ..

I didn't want to buy a lot of the wedding presents were in the form of a chequen made out to "me and mrs husbandsurname" and the bank wouldn't cash them unless I was mrs husbandsurname. I didn't particularly care either way so did it for the money!

Wish I hadn't now as we now live in Spain where nobody takes their Dh name so everyone things were brother and sister.

I've never been married but both my kids have my name despite being in a relationship with their fathers when they were born

@Trenisenne

I did because I didn't really think not to. Regret having done so.

Same here, I do like his surname more than my own but I didn't really sit down and think about it until a few years ago, it is really sexist and old fashioned imo. I suppose the only problem with both parents not having the same surname is what to do about your children's surnames, I wouldn't like to have a different name to my kids and double barreling is a mouthful and you just know very very few men are going to want to change their name to yours either

Because I wanted to. I made a decision based on what I wanted to do, not because its "traditional" or because of male privilege. I got married because I wanted to marry my husband, not because it was expected.

Isn't it about time that as women, we stop justifying our reasons for the choices we make in regards to marriage?

No one I know who has got married (and I don't know anyone who has got married and kept their maiden name) was forced to change their last name.

If you don't want to get married then don't.
If you don't want to change your name then don't.
If you want to walk down the aisle on the arm of your Dad or anyone else then do it.

You do you, and make choices that make you happy.

Yeah we aren't talking about anything particularly world ending here though are we I dunno, I think about all the cultures in my and their ancestry and this married naming tradition looks like yet further imposition of white supremacist patriarchal bullshit. What’s more important than decolonisation?

I don't have a DD a do have a DS if he changed his name on marriage I'd be perfectly happy. If his wife (or husband) didn't take his name I"d be perfectly happy. If he announced at 18 that he was changing his name by deed poll I might be perfectly happy or really gutted (I doubt I would be thrilled if his reason was because I hate you and can't bare having the same name) but I would understand that it is his choice.
I didn't blindly change mine because it's the done thing I considered the options and took into account the fact DH has already name changed. If I'd married someone else I might have suggested we both use a different name (maybe my Mum's birth name or a blended name) but because DH has already changed name once and needs security clearance for his job it would have been far more bother for him than it was for me.

I’m getting married very soon and will be changing my name.

My surname is extremely uncommon so I can’t send and email at work or be seen posting on fb without people knowing I’m related to X, Y and Z.

My new name will be much more common and I’m looking forward to the anonymity it will bring.

Also having the same name as my children is important to me. I’m not actually sure why but it is. I was asked on the phone yesterday if my daughter had the same surname as me and I didn’t like having to say no.

I’m looking forward to us being The ‘Jones’ Family rather than the kids having his name and me having mine. Again I can’t really explain why! I suppose because I was brought up in a house where we all had the same name.

Well this is my 2nd marriage and I really didn't want to keep my ex's surname. I never changed it back to my original surname because it's quite unusual and everyone always got it wrong. Also I wanted to have my 2nd husband's name and be the same as our son.

I double barrelled but put my DHs name first. So say he was Smith and I was Jones, I became Smith Jones. I only ever went by Jones though, Smith was in there as a formality. That is also the name we gave our son.

Now we have separated i have gone back to Jones. DS still has both but has always been 'known as' Jones at school anyway.

Astounding how many posters on here hated their original names, cannot imagine what all these awful last names can have been

Mine had 2 "z"s, a "w" , a "c" and a "k". It honestly looks like a drunken cat has walked over the keyboard whenever I type it out.

1. I preferred his. Mine was constantly misspelled and mispronounced
2. I wanted kids and preferred that we would all have the same name.
3. I had no particular attachment to my father's family name, not because I have any problem with my ddad, but was always closer to my DM's side of the family
4. I just didn't particularly feel it was a hill to die on. Dh wasn't fussed either way,so I certainly wasn't doing it to please him.

I'm a traditionalist and wanted to take his name. Also, cultural reasons mainly.

I changed mine as I don’t get on with my dad and was glad to leave the name behind. I’m divorced now and I’ve kept it too.

It’s just tradition though isn’t it? I haven’t RTFT but if people are complaining about that I hope they proposed to their boyfriend, gave themselves away as they walked down the aisle and wore a non-white wedding dress. Because I’m my eyes it’s all the same nonsense.

@DancingCatGif because I didn't want to keep mine. I'm NC with my dad and wanted to cut ties with it altogether.

@nestisflown

Because it is my Dad's name. I was raised by my Mum and went by her surname when I was older although I didn't change it officially.

I think it's also interesting that you picked at that, the question is why have people taken their 'husband's name' and don't seem to believe women can be choosing a second name as identity in that case, but are arguing that you are not keeping your 'Dad's name' but your own name because it's part of your identity? Either way it comes from a man and you can choose how much you engage with that/are comfortable with that or not.
There's a lack of logic in that and a lack of examination of traditional sexist biases. If you're dissecting why people choose their husband's name you should also be asking why we don't change to our mother's name. It's all rooted in the same.

I'm not arguing that there is no ingrained bias in taking a husbands last name, but I'm pretty pissed off at the posters implying because of this background no woman can ever make the choice freely and all this 'I liked his name better' is some kind of cover up.

I think people should do what they want. I come from a culture that does not change name on marriage. I’ve kept my maiden name for some things and use married name for others.

It really annoys me that passport does not have option to put mother or father on it for minors so that it is not a hassle to get through immigration when the other person is not there.

It was really difficult for me to do. My family name is very personal and our line of the family will cease when me and my brother pass away (he will not have children). It’s very precious and something I didn’t change lightly.
It came down to the question of children for me, and I felt it was much easier for all my family members to have the same surname.

Me and Dh talked about all this when we got engaged and we decided that we would double barrel our surname because we have a lot of problems with his parents and I put my foot down and said I wasn’t taking just his surname and dropping mine because I didn’t want a connection to his parents so we decided to just put the 2 surnames together and that’s what we did when we got married last year and I’m happy with our decision. Even if we hadn’t got married when we have children they would’ve got a double barrelled surname.

My maiden name wasn't especially nice. It's a name that sounds nice if you're posh but if you're from Birmingham (where I'm from it sounds horrid.

Also, my DH surname is very very cool. I have done online searches for anyone else with my first name and married name and they don't exist which is very cool. I have an old fashioned English name and my DH is half Iranian.

Also, the kids.

I didn't change and I'm amazed OP that you get a hard time from anyone about it - I never have. One or two relatives seem to ignore it and use Mrs x, but no one ever criticises me for it.
If dh had objected I don't think I could have married him.

[quote DancingCatGif]@ifiwasascent

So why didn't your husband change his[/quote]
Why didn't they flip a coin.

There's a big difference between agreeing who changes their name, and deciding that whoever it is it shouldn't be the woman - which seems to be what's happening on his thread.

When there is an established, easy, free and acceptable (mostly) way to change your name, you're more likely to be aware of disliking your original name because you've got a very open option to change it.