To ask why you changed your name if you are married?

[Danni290]

This isn't to knock anyone that has made this decision - I truly believe each to their own.

I haven't changed my name and get a hard time particularly from men about it.

I totally understand why the family should have the same name - that makes total sense to me.

But what I don't get is why in 2020 this is purely dictated by gender? And why so many women go along with it without question?

Just wanted your reasons, AIBU to think it's a really archaic way of doing things?!

Why can't we choose the surname depending on whose we like the most, like we do with first names?

@FruitLoopyLoo

It's totally different. I have no issue with women thinking about it and choosing to change their name. It's the ones that don't even think about it I wonder about. The ones who just accept everything without question.

But anyway, people who did change their names to match their partner’s - how would you feel about your children doing the same? I think I would really struggle to support their choice (my children are all grown women now) but hopefully it will never happen!

I would support them in whatever they wanted to do so long as their decision was informed and it was genuinely what they wanted. Who am I to judge my child, a grown woman, for making that decision.

I think it says more about you if you would struggle to support your grown daughters decision because she didn't want to do what you thought she should.

It's almost like shouting 'FREE CHOICE FOR WOMEN...unless they do something other women don't agree with'.

@spandexonmars if more women kept their own surname and gave it to their children then the next generation wouldn’t have their father’s name, they would have their mother’s. I wonder if lots of men would then suddenly want to take their wife’s surname as “no point keeping my own when it’s just my mother’s!”

The change needs to start somewhere!

"It's almost like shouting 'FREE CHOICE FOR WOMEN...unless they do something other women don't agree with'."

Your reading comprehension needs improvement if that's what you're getting from this.

Fucking no one is saying that

[quote DancingCatGif]@FruitLoopyLoo

It's totally different. I have no issue with women thinking about it and choosing to change their name. It's the ones that don't even think about it I wonder about. The ones who just accept everything without question.[/quote]
I've said multiple times on this thread that I considered it and I just liked my husband's name better. I've also said if I hadn't liked his name, I would have kept my own. But that's also met with 'cant believe how many women 'dont like their name', 'why do men always have the nicer surnames' blah blah as if you aren't believed.

It was my choice, I made it with my own free will and I don't see why it's anyone elses business to judge or question me on my reasons as if they aren't true.

I thinks saying you would struggle to support another woman's choice if she did something you didn't like is exactly like saying that.

Think*

@FruitLoopyLoo

Then the people who have an issue with it aren't talking about you, are they, so you can chill out.

@FruitLoopyLoo

It’s staggering the amount of women on this thread who genuinely think that they made an independent and considered choice

It's staggering the amount of women on this thread determined to tell other women that their choices weren't independent or considered.

Funny isn't it how it's alright for other women to shame a woman about their own choices but not a man...

Yeah fine. Delude yourself that you and many other women just happened to come to the same conclusion completely alone unaffected by society pressure or tradition.

[quote DancingCatGif]@FruitLoopyLoo

Then the people who have an issue with it aren't talking about you, are they, so you can chill out.[/quote]
Well the people posting the examples I just gave about other women not liking their original surnames are talking about posters like me... So not sure what you're getting at there.

These threads are always full of judgement about women who choose to change their names on marriage so it's not surprising but I just find it very hypocritical.

I find it really weird when people want the same surname as their children. I don't and it hasn't ever bothered me.

Delude yourself that you and many other women just happened to come to the same conclusion completely alone unaffected by society pressure or tradition

There you go. A woman is deluded if she makes a choice different to what other women think is right. Okay then...

You can stop raving about women's freedom to make their own decisions if this is how you think because it's hypocritical as fuck. Many women freely choose to change their name for their own reasons, many of them, like me have husband's who didn't give a shit either way. I wasn't pressured, it's what I wanted to do but obviously that is unacceptable to you so whatever.

Because we were going to share our lives together, we decided to share our names by using both.

@FruitLoopyLoo

It's hardly hypocritical to question things and expect others to do the same

We were moving shortly after we got married so I did my name change at the same time as did my change of address it was "life admin" that had to be done anyway.

I think it says more about you if you would struggle to support your grown daughters decision because she didn't want to do what you thought she should

God there are loads of things my adult children might choose to do that I’d struggle with - is this unusual?!

I changed mine 16 years ago and pretty much instantly wished I hadn't. It doesn't bother me in a day to day basis, as that would be ridiculous, it's only a name, but I still don't feel like it's me. If dh and I split up I'd go back to my maiden name straight away and would never change it again.

I'm

[quote DancingCatGif]@FruitLoopyLoo

It's hardly hypocritical to question things and expect others to do the same[/quote]
It is when people answer you and give their reasons and then you consistently question them, suggest they aren't true and that you are deluding yourself if you don't come to the same conclusion as me.

You can't talk about women making independent choices and then judge them when that choice isn't what you particularly would choose. That isn't advocating independent choice is it. That's wanting people to make the choice you think is right and anything else you'll deem deluded' or not good enough.

For me, I am really happy that more and more women are feeling able to keep their original surnames, double barrel or whatever it is if they want to. I agree no woman should feel pressured to change her name if she doesn't want. I don't judge that. It just wasn't the choice I made or how I felt when I was considering it.

@Danni290

I intend to give my kids his surname if they get married that's not an issue to me at all, but I'll keep mine.

Who knows I might change after kids but - I suppose I just feel lonely sometimes at how few women seem to do it - in 2020 I just would have thought it be more common than it is

My kids have his surname. I don't mind being referred to as Mrs (their name) in kid contexts, school etc. Everything else, work/passport etc, is my own. I never really thought about it, until we got married and I realised how much I hated the idea of changing my name. Can't pinpoint why, just hated the idea

I find it really weird when people want the same surname as their children. I don't and it hasn't ever bothered me.

Children traditionally take the name of the mother: it's just that mothers in the west have often changed their names to the father's. Nor sharing my child's family name wouldn't bother me particularly either, were it not for the issue that it can create problems when travelling. There are a few circumstances in which I expect to travel abroad with my child only - DH will be doing this next year when brings him to joins me on an overseas working visit (Covid-permitting) which we plan on turning into a road trip. I don't expect to endure being required to ask my husband's permission before doing so, or worse, being prevented from travelling.

It was important to me for this reason alone that my child's name contained part of my legal identity. His family name isn't identical to mine, and I also don't share the importance some people place on a family all sharing the same name. We know who are family members are, and he's definitely our child!

@Ylfa

I think it says more about you if you would struggle to support your grown daughters decision because she didn't want to do what you thought she should

God there are loads of things my adult children might choose to do that I’d struggle with - is this unusual?!

Yeah we aren't talking about anything particularly world ending here though are we. If my daughter wanted to use her husband's surname on marriage I'd support her right to make that decision for herself so long as she wasn't forced into it.

I am not married to DP and we have 2 children, they both have his surname. No intention of marrying him but wouldn't change my name if I did. I have previously been married, I did change my name but it didn't feel right and I changed it straight back after we divorced.

I don't mind have a different surname to my DCs and they don't seem to see it as an issue. It has been a pain a couple of times e.g. going through passport control.

I wish I had pushed more for the DCs to have my name or a part and part name however I know DH would not have liked it and caused a fuss. This refusal to discuss or even consider, I realise now, should have told me a lot.

As regards my DC marrying - I'm not bothered if they get married or have children. If they do I hope they keep their names and/or come up with a compromise for any children.

There seems to a lot of women who use the 'I didn't like my name anyway'. I do find this a very strange argument - you very rarely meet a man who wants to change his name as he doesn't like it and I do wonder if none of these women have brothers - have they all changed their names to their wives?

@Danni290

Ok so many have said they wanted the kids to have the same name. Totally get that.

But why is it determined by gender?!! People seem to be avoiding this question?

Tradition. That's why I took my husband's. I happen to like traditions; they give a sense of continuity. I knew I could keep my own name but I'm not attached to it and my identity is not in any way bound up in my name: my identity is independent of any such notion. Nor do I believe that it means the man is superior. This certainly wasn't the case in my marriage; I was the stronger and my husband knew it. I was perfectly happy to change. I think attaching a lot of importance to "why do women take on the man's name"? is a problem in itself and is perhaps an indicator of insecurity? Saying it's archaic is indeed an indicator, OP, that you think such women puzzling at the very least. For me it's a non-issue.

Because I preferred his, really not that much to it!