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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Uniforms and CMS

170 replies

Eazypeazy · 25/08/2020 21:08

Dear all,

I get monthly child maintenance from the children's father. I have asked that he pays for half the childrens new school uniform but he is refusing. I have said that the CM does not cover the costs of the uniform but be thinks otherwise.

Am i being unreasonable in requesting this?

OP posts:
Bollss · 26/08/2020 08:01

@lyralalala

Sorry do I now have to make every point relevant to you? I didn’t address it to you as it was a general point

I posted the dick move comment because it shows his character

You’re determined to take over the Op’s thread complaining that you didn’t get support. Why not start your own and you might get different opinions from different people?

I didn't need support it was just a comment on our situation. I'm complaining about the double standards.
lyralalala · 26/08/2020 08:03

It may be the vast majority. I haven't ever claimed it's not. It's the painting of it being ALL MEN which is utter utter shite. And of course, it's completely different when the NRP is a woman.

Right, so people are supposed to say add caveats for the tiny few men who pay more to every post about maintenance

Be much easier if you just accept people are talking about the vast majority and thankfully your partner isn’t one of them

Bollss · 26/08/2020 08:06

@lyralalala

It may be the vast majority. I haven't ever claimed it's not. It's the painting of it being ALL MEN which is utter utter shite. And of course, it's completely different when the NRP is a woman.

Right, so people are supposed to say add caveats for the tiny few men who pay more to every post about maintenance

Be much easier if you just accept people are talking about the vast majority and thankfully your partner isn’t one of them

Or they could just say most instead of all. Not hard really is it?
Menora · 26/08/2020 08:06

Nothing is really funny about how many RP struggle for years and years, many of whom are bullied into accepting what the NRP is offering - not all NRP gallantly use the calculator and declare their pay rises to the RP, and will often threaten the NRP that they will screw them over on purpose if they go to CMS. I have a friend who is owed £5000 by the NRP who has paid CMS or seen his DC for years. My NRP lives in a 4 bedroom house in an expensive town he is completely renovating and clearly earns more than the £60 per week % he gives me - but I’ve had to live with the threat of it being 0 if I make a fuss.

There are obviously going to be some decent NRP who do the right thing by their DC and help, there are obviously going to be some RP who feel entitled to more and more support. No one denies that

It’s ok for RP to express that it’s the ‘minimum’ when you know fully well that the NRP doesn’t even wash your DC clothes and is being awkward about providing uniform for their midweek days. This is OP’s experience, she’s not getting £900 a month so that is not relevant

Bollss · 26/08/2020 08:13

Yeah I mean I've not disputed any of that. Just generalising is unhelpful..

copernicium · 26/08/2020 08:15

I get £17 a week for two DC. He sees one child for one night a fortnight (technically, but he hasn't actually seen them since March). I asked for school uniform money and he said yes sure, will transfer it now. He sent £3.75.

Positivitylieswithin · 26/08/2020 08:18

I think 280 a month plus having the children almost half of the week justifies him not also buying the uniform.

People forget the nrp also has a house to run large enough to accommodate his children, all of his bills will be reflected in this too.

Positivitylieswithin · 26/08/2020 08:19

#copernicium that's horrendous, he should be ashamed of himself

lyralalala · 26/08/2020 08:22

@Positivitylieswithin

I think 280 a month plus having the children almost half of the week justifies him not also buying the uniform.

People forget the nrp also has a house to run large enough to accommodate his children, all of his bills will be reflected in this too.

His maintenance is reduced to reflect his extra costs on the days he has them. If the children need uniform on days he is with them why should he not at least fund that?
MileyWiley · 26/08/2020 08:23

If they are with him 3 nights a week and he is paying maintenance to you then I think you are being unreasonable to ask for extra.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 26/08/2020 08:24

Do you also get child benefit and child tax credits and/or working tax credits? There are added on extras that the main parent gets. He also has them 3 days out of 7 so almost 1/2.

Positivitylieswithin · 26/08/2020 08:24

Let's assume the nrp lives on this own with just 1 income has his children almost half the week and pays £280 a month in maintemance

The rp receive's maintenance, child benefit, has her income and her partners

It's not always the rp who is hard done by, the OP hasn't stated any of the above and most comments are based on personal experiences and stereotypes

starlet14 · 26/08/2020 08:27

A lot dads would contribute because they would want to but technically no they don't have to if they pay maintenance I'm afraid. I guess he could argue that's what maintenance is for (I'm not saying that is right). My ex pays maintenance and years ago he used to contribute towards uniform but he does not anymore - coincidentally since new girlfriend come along 🤣

MoreListeningLessChatting · 26/08/2020 08:27

My brother paid his CMS, she also received child benefit, child and working tax credit (she worked a small job) and the CMS is not counted as income when calculating other benefits - she did well financially, whereas he struggled.
She get the home and he sofa surfed. All women are not hard done by.

lyralalala · 26/08/2020 08:28

@Positivitylieswithin

Let's assume the nrp lives on this own with just 1 income has his children almost half the week and pays £280 a month in maintemance

The rp receive's maintenance, child benefit, has her income and her partners

It's not always the rp who is hard done by, the OP hasn't stated any of the above and most comments are based on personal experiences and stereotypes

Yes. Let’s further the common misbelief that poor men are always left skint by maintenance, whereas women are coining it in.

That’s such a helpful thing to do.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 26/08/2020 08:28

CMS is for everything, as long as he is paying that he doesn't have to contribute to anything else.

How does that work - if the kids are with him 3 days a week, he has to provide for them for those 3 days - so that's 3 days of uniform.

lyralalala · 26/08/2020 08:29

@MoreListeningLessChatting

My brother paid his CMS, she also received child benefit, child and working tax credit (she worked a small job) and the CMS is not counted as income when calculating other benefits - she did well financially, whereas he struggled. She get the home and he sofa surfed. All women are not hard done by.
There’s always one example of a woman getting loads of maintenance and benefits on every thread.

Funny how few people think about why the change had to be made to stop counting maintenance for benefits purposes...

FruitLoopyLoo · 26/08/2020 08:30

Morally yes but legally no I don't think so unfortunately.

lyralalala · 26/08/2020 08:31

People should try a three month stint working to CMS. Then you’d see why the “well my situation is different...” posts are in the tiny, tiny minority.

@Eazypeazy Legally he doesn’t have to contribute a penny above the maintenance calculation. You could refuse to send uniform on his weekdays, but like many women you’ll have to decide between principle and your child when that one comes up. Good luck

Positivitylieswithin · 26/08/2020 08:32

#lyralalala rather than your apparent belief that its always the rp that is hard done by

Bollss · 26/08/2020 08:33

Yes. Let’s further the common misbelief that poor men are always left skint by maintenance, whereas women are coining it in

Some of them are.

Like I said we pay more in maintenance than we do for the child that lives with us.

Dp wouldn't be able to afford to live alone!

lyralalala · 26/08/2020 08:34

@Positivitylieswithin

#lyralalala rather than your apparent belief that its always the rp that is hard done by
The vast, vast majority of the time it is.
lyralalala · 26/08/2020 08:37

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Yes. Let’s further the common misbelief that poor men are always left skint by maintenance, whereas women are coining it in

Some of them are.

Like I said we pay more in maintenance than we do for the child that lives with us.

Dp wouldn't be able to afford to live alone!

No, you said you pay more in maintenance and extras. That’s not the same as extras could be £5 a month or £500. If your DP is paying more than 12% in maintenance he should have it recalculated.

Many people can’t afford to live alone. If they could there would be no need for house shares and HMO’s.

Menora · 26/08/2020 08:37

The way this thread is narrated it is made to sound like a RP asking for ‘extra’ is so she can buy a handbag. You know this is clothing that goes onto the body of the child not the mother right? RP gains zero from the school uniform itself?

If you have your DC 3 days a week, some of which is midweek, what do you expect they will be wearing on their body on those days? NRP has already had the CMS reduced for those 3 days. So if the RP pays all the costs across those days too, what was the point of the reduction?

Technically, the RP is given CMS to cover 4 days a week. Not 7 days to include the days they had reduced as they don’t have care of the DC. This is basic maths why is this so hard for anyone to understand

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/08/2020 08:38

In my case my ex quit his job, took a part time job, looked after his girlfriends kids so she works full time, he then claimed financial responsibility for her kids, which reduced maintenance further, he also put more towards his pensions which reduced it further still. He also tried to claim he saw the kids weekly, he lives hours away and tried to claim money off his CMS for travelling too, he hasn't seen them in years.

I get 97 a month for 4 kids.

My story is far more common than these mothers who are 'coining it in' (it's always the relatives of the men who have to pay CM that say this, I notice).

It did make me laugh when furlough started, all these self employed men, ripping the mother of their children off by saying they earn pennies, then only got a portion of what they claimed to earn. Served them right.