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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's going nuts! always angry but says he isn't!

131 replies

portobella · 25/08/2020 17:40

So I'm stuck and feel really bad right now.

The back story is my partner and I have been together for 4.5 years. We moved in together 2 years ago with me financially paying for everything. He didn't have a job for two years. I have two teenage children who I also pay for solely.

We had a chat and since that chat, he has found a job (recently) and I have been able to relax a little. Not so hand to mouth and really appreciate the help.

(his back story is he was a semi millionaire professionally (really) and he left his wife and his job in one fell swoop (as he couldn't take it any more citing she was only with him for the money in the end and the job he hated) They ended 8 years ago. Get on ok now for the kids - left her everything.

Fast forward and last few weeks, he has become miserable.. Totally snappy and irritated and 'angry', for no apparent reason - (we get on really well - or so I believe.)

Most recently he wanted to move house - to a nicer one - bigger than we need - but not too much more in the price - so in making the negotiations - he has called out the realtor, got mad and angry at the owner - accusing them of trying to rip him off etc etc.. and can't quite seem to keep it together.

He is not usually like this - at all.. He is a great negotiator but seems to think now everyone is taking advantage of him or trying to manipulate him.. and he is having none of it.

The realtor only asked for a tax report (for me, not him which is totally normal) THey have since come back and tried to push a little the upfront payment terms but it is an easy no we agreed x not y and onwards you go. but no he totally freaked out, put the phone down on me was swearing completely Cookoo - I was asking why are you so angry - it's easy to just state our terms and tell them theirs are not what we agreed.. negotiation! boy did i get it.

I have asked him what is going on and he has snapped at me massively saying how dare I psychoanalyse him and he is fine etc etc more or less who do I think I am.

I am planning on taking the kids to see it this evening but now really don't want to as they will love it and I'm totally confused.

I have taken over the negotiations but wonder whether I should bother. He is clearly going through something.

By the way, it was his idea, his choice of house, his initial negotiations..

and suddenly he is out of character angry at everyone and seemingly like he want s to jeopardise this move?

IABU - leave him to work it out alone

IANBU - force him to talk, even if it means something untoward is amis..

I'm really stressing and feel bad energy - I can not put my finger on it - (he is aggressive towards me also - with his words) but never has been before.. and he is claiming he is fine??

Any advice will be totally appreciated.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 25/08/2020 20:38

@portobella

HAHa a semi millionaire is he was on paper with all his assets but through what earned not in the bank cash flow.
What he owned? Property, cars etc? Unless he owned them outright then that's just debt.

Also do you believe he gave the ex everything? It wouldn't surprise me if it was hers in the first place because he seems like a total cocklodger and Walter Mitty with his 'semi-millionaire' nonsense!

FlamingoAndJohn · 25/08/2020 20:39

Have you seen any proof of his past life?
I don’t think any of what he has told you is true.

ChequerBoard · 25/08/2020 20:39

Wake up and smell the coffee OP, this man is using you. Stop listening to all the bullshit and start asking a few questions instead.

TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 20:40

Do not go through with the sale. Do not put his name on anything.

You are being conned.

Bananalanacake · 25/08/2020 20:46

Keep your money and property to yourself, no point in sharing it with a man you don't have dc with. You can still have a relationship living apart. Surely he can afford his own place.

CherryPavlova · 25/08/2020 21:03

I think the term is Walter Mitty. A successful person does not expect another to keep them for two years. He is selling you a pup.
Why on earth did he not have a job and provide some sort of income for two years?
I'm not entirely sure what a semi-millionaire is but if he left his £500k in savings from a salaried post, he should have had sufficient savings to tide him over to a new job. There are not many companies who pay a basic salary of £500k, to be honest. What does he say he did for a living? What does his ex wife say? I rather suspect it might be a completely different story.
How do your teenage children feel about you maintaining a third child?
If you think you love him, insist on getting to the truth. Get his old bank statements and speak to his ex. Don't buy a house you don't need and put it in both your names so that he can fleece you.

BookWormBitch · 25/08/2020 21:06

I really think you’ve been conned... please stop paying for this man! He’s not worth it

lyralalala · 25/08/2020 21:15

@portobella

yes more than half.. his idea..
More than half what? Business or house?

OP are you actually reading what people are saying to you?

How much of the house is going in his name?

How is the liability of the business set up and does he have full access to the bank account and any credit facilties?

Have you ever met his ex or his children?

lyralalala · 25/08/2020 21:16

@SmileyClare

Some points to consider:
  1. He's unstable
  2. He made no attempt to support you or your family until you made him seek employment (under duress).
  3. The reasons for walking away from his ex sound dubious
  4. He has taken full control of deciding to upsize your house, negotiating everything. This is your money.
  5. He's angry that you have become involved in the house negotiations. He may feel threatened that his accounts/tax reports will be requested.
  6. He's behaving aggressively towards you
This effectively shuts down all conversation of the above points.

I've put point 6 in bold. You should never have to endure aggression or abuse. If his reaction to stress is aggression aimed at you, then this is A Very Bad Sign. There's no excuse. Flowers

He didn't bother to support his own children needs to be on this list as well. Either in point 2 or in a standalone one.
TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 21:20

500k in house, cars and pension with no liquid cash as a middle aged businessman married with children is not an indicator that he is a top business person.

His behaviour during the negotiations to get half of your assets signed over to him shows he is not a business man.

Original poster
portobella · 25/08/2020 21:26

Sorry I was at the viewign with my kids, decided to go in the end.. im just tryign to read everyone and digest..

OP posts:
Original poster
portobella · 25/08/2020 21:31

Well no not really. I have never asked. Ah, fuck he was living with his mum off of her pension until we moved in together. BUT his kids both attend a very prestigious university and his ex-wife doesn't seem to complain too much!! .. His daughter did give him a massive ear-bashing not to long ago - he seems really like a lost soul and a genuine person.. all this negativity doesn't seem right but how can so many of you be wrong??

OP posts:
Original poster
portobella · 25/08/2020 21:35

That had crossed my mind and actually was the icing n the cake in our discussion.. I am not going to live like it any more either he gets a job and helps or he moves out - simple. I don't want to be in a relationship like it any more - and since he has found a job, i assume all was well, it the first two months, but steadily his personality is taking a hit.. he really is kind and generous it is actually a change I haven't seen before which I think i would have in 4.5 years no?

OP posts:
Original poster
portobella · 25/08/2020 21:35

Spain

OP posts:
Original poster
portobella · 25/08/2020 21:38

Oh god this is all ringing so true and yet I don't think it's true - FFS what am I doing..??

OP posts:
Original poster
portobella · 25/08/2020 21:40

I have met his children not his ex - he has stayed there a few times he has visited them and only recently are they all talking again.. it's not something I have wanted to intrude on

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 25/08/2020 21:43

He lived off his mother's pension before he started living off you??

How on earth can you have any respect for this utter cock lodger?

Then he's only had a job 2 months and you're going to buy a more expensive house. Are you serious?

To top it all off, he's worked 2 months and now has a terrible temper. Poor thing having to actually get off his backside and work for a living.

Wise up OP. This is a joke

Isthisit22 · 25/08/2020 21:44

He has no relationship with his own children either.

What a catch you've got there.

lyralalala · 25/08/2020 21:55

@portobella Join the dots

He lived off his mother's pension rather than getting a job

He lived off you rather than getting a job

He didn't pay any maintenance yet his ex wasn't bothered

His children went to a prestigious expensive school and that didn't change even though he - the supposed rich one - left and paid nothing?

Come on now.

He left his marriage with nothing because the money belonged to his wife

Why is he worried abot your tax report? Has he lied about your income to get a mortgage? Is the mortgage in joint names - who is putting in the deposit?

SmileyClare · 25/08/2020 21:56

It seems likely that his wife was wealthy when he met her and had her own assets? Or there is wealth on her side of the family.

There is a pattern of sponging off the women in his life. No decent man would sign over all his wealth to an ex wife and expect his pensioner mother to support him? It doesn't ring true I'm afraid.

Look, perhaps his tortured soul is attractive to you but the facts seem to be that he is hopeless with money, isn't emotionally equipped to hold down a job and deals with stress by acting out aggressively.

Keep your guard up and check all joint finances, bank accounts and so on. For whatever reason, he's not very good at adulting. Sad

TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 21:59

His wife was the earner. She got sick of him being a lazy scrounger. She isn't moaning about him not paying towards the children's education because he never paid anything anyway. I reckon she was actually better off when she stopped funding his lifestyle. That's my betting anyway.

Topseyt · 25/08/2020 22:03

@TorkTorkBam

500k in house, cars and pension with no liquid cash as a middle aged businessman married with children is not an indicator that he is a top business person.

His behaviour during the negotiations to get half of your assets signed over to him shows he is not a business man.

This is how you should be viewing him. Not as any hard done by great business brain.

He could easily have had a stake in non-liquid assets such as property, but no actual cash or cashflow.

He has possibly called himself a semi-millionaire because on paper he was, even if most of it was debt (mortgages, business loans). That doesn't mean much, if any, equity left once all associated debt is subtracted

He may have used a gross figure to sound impressive and pull the wool over your eyes.

TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 22:06

In 4.5 years you have been incredibly passive.

You did not object to being in a relationship with someone who would take his mum's pension.

You did not object to being in a relationship with someone who has a terrible relationship with his teen children.

You did not object to paying all his expenses while he did nothing for two years.

You did not probe the obvious inconsistencies in his life story.

You were open to buying a big house and signing half of it over to him despite him contributing fuck all.

Of course he was happy and jolly. I don't see how he could have been generous though, given he had nothing to be generous with.

Then you made one small normal demand of Mr Big Business. Get a job. Contribute. Within two months he is being a total dick to you.

fuandylp · 25/08/2020 22:11

It's all bullshit.
If he really was some kind of fucking semi-professional demi-semi-quaver-millionaire, there is NO WAY IN HELL he would have divorced and given his wife everything. He'd have got a shit hot lawyer to ensure he protected some of his assets at least.
His ex-wife was probably the rich one and he contributed fuck all, preferring to cocklodge instead. She got pissed off and booted him out and he ended up with very little after the divorce so he rocks up back at his Mum's and mummylodges there for a while until he meets you OP and thinks, great...here's another mug I can cocklodge with.

Wise up and get rid of this shit.

justasking111 · 25/08/2020 22:25

@portobella

That had crossed my mind and actually was the icing n the cake in our discussion.. I am not going to live like it any more either he gets a job and helps or he moves out - simple. I don't want to be in a relationship like it any more - and since he has found a job, i assume all was well, it the first two months, but steadily his personality is taking a hit.. he really is kind and generous it is actually a change I haven't seen before which I think i would have in 4.5 years no?
He really is kind and generous?? Generous with what certainly not money. He sounds like a type of parasite that moves onto a new host when the old one is used up. Wife, mother, partner.