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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's going nuts! always angry but says he isn't!

131 replies

portobella · 25/08/2020 17:40

So I'm stuck and feel really bad right now.

The back story is my partner and I have been together for 4.5 years. We moved in together 2 years ago with me financially paying for everything. He didn't have a job for two years. I have two teenage children who I also pay for solely.

We had a chat and since that chat, he has found a job (recently) and I have been able to relax a little. Not so hand to mouth and really appreciate the help.

(his back story is he was a semi millionaire professionally (really) and he left his wife and his job in one fell swoop (as he couldn't take it any more citing she was only with him for the money in the end and the job he hated) They ended 8 years ago. Get on ok now for the kids - left her everything.

Fast forward and last few weeks, he has become miserable.. Totally snappy and irritated and 'angry', for no apparent reason - (we get on really well - or so I believe.)

Most recently he wanted to move house - to a nicer one - bigger than we need - but not too much more in the price - so in making the negotiations - he has called out the realtor, got mad and angry at the owner - accusing them of trying to rip him off etc etc.. and can't quite seem to keep it together.

He is not usually like this - at all.. He is a great negotiator but seems to think now everyone is taking advantage of him or trying to manipulate him.. and he is having none of it.

The realtor only asked for a tax report (for me, not him which is totally normal) THey have since come back and tried to push a little the upfront payment terms but it is an easy no we agreed x not y and onwards you go. but no he totally freaked out, put the phone down on me was swearing completely Cookoo - I was asking why are you so angry - it's easy to just state our terms and tell them theirs are not what we agreed.. negotiation! boy did i get it.

I have asked him what is going on and he has snapped at me massively saying how dare I psychoanalyse him and he is fine etc etc more or less who do I think I am.

I am planning on taking the kids to see it this evening but now really don't want to as they will love it and I'm totally confused.

I have taken over the negotiations but wonder whether I should bother. He is clearly going through something.

By the way, it was his idea, his choice of house, his initial negotiations..

and suddenly he is out of character angry at everyone and seemingly like he want s to jeopardise this move?

IABU - leave him to work it out alone

IANBU - force him to talk, even if it means something untoward is amis..

I'm really stressing and feel bad energy - I can not put my finger on it - (he is aggressive towards me also - with his words) but never has been before.. and he is claiming he is fine??

Any advice will be totally appreciated.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 25/08/2020 18:19

He sounds really horrible. Do you really want to stay with him?

FOKKYFC · 25/08/2020 18:20

Are you in the US, OP?

Intelinside57 · 25/08/2020 18:20

I would not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I'd be out of there so fast my feet wouldn't touch the floor. Definitely don't buy a house together!

HollowTalk · 25/08/2020 18:21

Not so hand to mouth and really appreciate the help.

What do you mean, the help? He's a grown man who should be providing for himself, but instead has lived off you for years. There's no need for you to be grateful to him.

Now would be a good time to end it, while he's working.

TheMerryWidow1 · 25/08/2020 18:22

Huge red flag for me. Are you financing this move alone? Will it be in just yr name or both? Very concerned he will b splitting with you when move is over.

Fedup21 · 25/08/2020 18:23

@TriciaMcMillan

Seriously though, what is a semi millionaire professionally or otherwise??
This.
Bananalanacake · 25/08/2020 18:23

I don't get how a semi millionaire doesn't work for 2 years. Surely he'd want to pay his way, has he no pride in himself.

BallOfString · 25/08/2020 18:24

Are you sure the 'semi millionaire' was him and not his ex-wife? I wonder if he sponged off her like he is doing off you and she paid for everything just as you are? It sounds so unlikely that someone would go from having a successful, well paid job to doing nothing at all unless there is some other reason like depression or some kind of personal crisis.

FelicityPike · 25/08/2020 18:24

ALL of the above!!

Polnm · 25/08/2020 18:25

Realtor

Where do you live?

RoadworksAgain · 25/08/2020 18:27

Have you ever watched Dirty John?

This guy is a con artist and you don't see it?

This is unbelievable.

lyralalala · 25/08/2020 18:28

We had a chat and since that chat, he has found a job (recently) and I have been able to relax a little. Not so hand to mouth and really appreciate the help.

The fact you describe him pay his way, after two years of sponging off you, as help shows the number he has done on you

He is very blatantly lining up to tell you how stressed he is, how much he's struggling etc etc etc. The job, that he got because you told him too, not because he felt he should pay his own way (or pay toward his own children), will be the cause of said stress and if you don't kick him into touch that job will soon go and you'll be funding him again while he recovers

He'll be sat on his arse in your shiny new house all day while you are slaving away funding his choice of home

Do not buy this house with this man.

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 25/08/2020 18:29

Billy Bullshitter

For the love of god don’t get tied to him

Nicolastuffedone · 25/08/2020 18:29

Semi-millionaire professionally? What’s that? A professional gambler? You were living hand to mouth?

FlamingoAndJohn · 25/08/2020 18:32

‘Semi millionaire’?
One, that’s not a thing.
Two, that’s not really all that much money. I’m not saying it’s nothing but if you are talking about the value of businesses, homes etc then it’s not much.
Three, my flabby white arse he was such a successful businessman but gave it all to his wife and sat there scratching his balls while you went to work.

MulticolourMophead · 25/08/2020 18:43

@TorkTorkBam

I wonder if he is lining up the next woman now.

Telling her you only want him for his money.

Telling her he is leaving you but will not take anything himself, he will give you absolutely everything: house, car, savings the lot. And she will see that he does indeed leave with little more than the shirt on his back.

He will tell her how stressful his work is (that enabled him to pay for all this stuff). He's a semi-millionaire don't you know.

She will hate you for being a crazy gold digging ex. She will dote on poor little him who has suffered so much and let him mooch off her "to recover". In a couple of years time she will make him get a job and he will move on to the next mug.

That's my cynical take on it anyway.

Sounds plausible. This or he's hiding something financially.
AutumnLeavesSeptember · 25/08/2020 18:43

Wow, this is not normal. Definitely stop the house purchase. And think hard about what you are getting out of this relationship.

tenlittlecygnets · 25/08/2020 18:55

his back story is he was a semi millionaire professionally (really) and he left his wife and his job in one fell swoop (as he couldn't take it any more

Really? Why didn't he have any savings that he could use to pay his way for the last two years?

I'd be holding back on any house purchase until things were a lot calmer and I knew I could trust him.

tenlittlecygnets · 25/08/2020 18:59

He has been sponging off you for years and you've been happy to let him- why?? Dump his cock-lodging ass.

JenniferSantoro · 25/08/2020 18:59

I couldn’t even consider staying in a relationship where my other half just chooses not to work. It sounds like you’ve been very patient.

Not sure what a semi millionaire professionally is.

This isn’t the kind of man that should be around anyone’s’ children. Lots of red flags. My intuition would be telling me to end the relationship.

FizzAfterSix · 25/08/2020 19:03

Cock lodger alert 🚨

AcrossthePond55 · 25/08/2020 19:03

Cancel the cheque sale.

At best he's going through some kind of breakdown. (unlikely)

At worst he's a cocklodger who is setting himself up to walk away with a large chunk of a valuable property after he convinces you that the new house should be in both your names. (very likely)

He's been getting a nice free ride with you, hasn't he? Time to kick him off the gravy train.

FizzAfterSix · 25/08/2020 19:04

Got confused. Yadnbu

TorkTorkBam · 25/08/2020 19:05

@portobella

And we are financially stable - the company and accounts are all in my name and I have complete access.. so... (and could do it alone if I really had to.. SO..
Oh, hang on a minute, is this saying that his job is a job working for you in your business? Or that he feels like the business is part his even though it isn't?
Broomfondle · 25/08/2020 19:06

He did something hurtful to his family and financially stupid because he 'couldn't take it anymore'.
Now it sounds like he is not taking the current situation well anymore. Pattern about to repeat. Be warned, don't tie yourself in more, be prepared to let him go or run.