To think you're not allowed to be proud of breastfeeding any more....

[TheatreJunkie84]

NOT a breast is best thread.

I've had the journey from hell. Tongue tie, painful feeds, thrush, not gaining weight, shitty latch, literally everything except low supply....but here I am 3 months in still going, on a combination of formula, pumped milk and boob.

I posted on a local baby group today a picture of me feeding, with a caption about how proud I was to still be going at nearly 3 months despite all the crap...thanking my local group and its peer supporters for their role in keeping me going and encouraging others to seek their help as they were so lovely and wonderful.

It started off well...messages of congrats and other stories of the peer supporters helping out new mums. Suddenly out of nowhere I got called arrogant and told I should have some respect for all the mums that choose to formula feed and I shouldn't throw be throwing it down everyones necks. Before I knew it loads of other mums all joined in, basically saying breastfeeding is nothing to be proud of and I should shut up. Things along the lines of 'big whoop you can feed your baby I cant so this makes you better than me? Piss off.'

I quickly deleted it, feeling really ashamed of myself. I'm on the verge tears now every time I think about it. Am I being unreasonable here? I honestly wanted to give up so many times....but the local group kept me going and if posting about my success can encourage other mums to seek their help then that's surely only a good thing?

I don't know.

@DontBeNastyAveAPasty

Maybe a mum struggling to bf will see my post, think hang on a sec what do you mean the benefits arent that big? Look them up & think, I never knew they were so tiny, I dont feel bad about quitting now.

You never know 🤷‍♀️ anyway muting this thread now as I've had enough bf debates to last me a lifetime!

I also found it easy - 4 thriving babies fed for over a year each.
My mum told me when I was first pregnant that breastfeeding was extremely easy. I believed her and it was. My aunts and cousins all said the same and all bf happily. Now is our family just genetically predisposed to find it a bit easier or is it the fact we all saw each other feeding and saw it as a natural and easy process?

@secondaccount

I also found it easy - 4 thriving babies fed for over a year each. My mum told me when I was first pregnant that breastfeeding was extremely easy. I believed her and it was. My aunts and cousins all said the same and all bf happily. Now is our family just genetically predisposed to find it a bit easier or is it the fact we all saw each other feeding and saw it as a natural and easy process?

Interesting question. I also found it easy as my mum said she did. My brother and I were born in 1982 and 1979 which is apparently a time when bf was massively in decline but my mum never considered anything else. Same for MIL who had her children in '76, '77 and '79. My mum would definitely have had an impact on me and I just never considered anything other than bf. And then I was surrounded by other women in my corner of SE London who all did it. Some easily, some with issues but all wanting and expecting to do it.

I'm not offering any answers here. Just musing similarly to the quoted poster about what factors there may be.

You should be proud! BFing (especially first Dc) is hard work and very tiring. Things rarely go as smoothly as sticking the baby on and away you go, there are usually many hurdles and to get as far as you have shows perseverance. Well done!

@Rikalaily

Breastfeeding is hard! A lot of the time it's painful, exhausting, it leaves you feeling frustrates and isolated sometimes. Anyone who breastfeeds has the right to feel proud, whether they managed for 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year etc.

I'm sick to death of hearing, well I couldn't so you just make me feel bad, well I chose not to so you are just making me feel bad etc.

We aren't proud to make anyone feel bad, we are proud because we did something that we feel good about, for ourselves, not to spite anyone else

You couldn't feed your baby? I'm so sorry that you didn't get the support you needed to help you carry on if that is what you wanted. You did your best and your child had a full tummy and thrived. Well done mama.

You chose not to breastfeed? Well done mama, you know your circumstances and chose what was best for you and your baby/family.

You breastfed your baby? Well done mama, I know how hard you worked to achieve that.

I can't run a marathon but I don't belittle runners for being proud of their accomplishment. I can't decorate a cake to professional standards but I don't slap down people who have posted pics of their hard work and years of practice in the kitchen. I don't have an immaculate house or oasis like garden but I don't post spiteful comments when I see people showing off their hard work or amazing eye for detail just because I look around my cluttered house and feel like crap about it.

What the hell gives anyone the right to shit on your parade? Nothing, no right. We can all do things that others can't and instead of cheering each other on some women like to just shit on each other.

This

Well done for persevering OP.
I bf my kids (now teens/young adults) but I’ll be honest some bf posts make me grind my teeth as they can be sanctimonious & crowing. You persevered, many others couldn’t manage through multiple setbacks and perhaps saw your post as a ‘look at me I done it’ when they couldn’t.

BFing is like a form of communication and becomes a relationship for many BFing mums and babies. Yes some may just feed to schedule and keep it as just delivering milk but IME it’s far more for most BFing mums and other people just don’t get it and feel threatened. Don’t know why 🤷🏻‍♀️But it’s always about their own issues.

This is a lie, thats the issue.
FF mums bond just like BF mums bond with their baby

In my case, BF would have made me resent DD. When i tried i felt like a cow.
FF we bonded so well, as did dp who was also able to share the load.

YANBU of course. I had to have a c-section, I don’t go around telling mums who had a beautiful home birth not to share their stories because it makes me feel bad. Utter rubbish.

@turnitonagain

YANBU of course. I had to have a c-section, I don’t go around telling mums who had a beautiful home birth not to share their stories because it makes me feel bad. Utter rubbish.

I don’t think this is the same. When you have a caesarean you aren’t bombarded with information carrying the message that you have not done the best thing for your baby.

There is plenty of pressure to have a vaginal birth and I’ve had comments they I haven’t “really” given birth or that I had the “easy option.”

I’ve literally never said to someone that they can’t be proud of their own delivery because I wasn’t able to have the same. Don’t see much difference to breastfeeding.

I think a lot of mums will cringe at how much they went on about how they fed their babies for the first 6 months once their child starts going to school and beyond.

It’s a tiny part of parenting children. Nobody will know or care which kids were fed what by the time they’re doing SATs. In fact most people genuinely don’t care how other people feed their kids now.

The ones that are really exercised by it will be the type who don’t have much else on. Once this stage is over, the over invested types will be competing over baby weaning, then nursery verses nanny, WOH verses SAH, the role their kid got in the nativity, SATs results, GCSE’s, A Levels, how their kid will get into a Russel Group uni.

I’ve literally never understood the need to go on to an anonymous public forum to blast out what I believe to be achievements. Be proud with your partner, quietly. You are the only two people who need to know how your baby is being fed apart from a doctor if the baby gets sick. Even if my own daughter came bouncing in excitedly to announce she’d breast fed I’d be happy that she was happy and say ‘that’s great darling’, that would be about it. I wouldn’t be opening champagne and buying flowers. She’s feeding her baby, something millions are doing as I type, not winning Wimbledon after decades of giving up her life training.

Nobody gave me any praise for sitting up with a double pump expressing in the middle of the night and I didn’t expect any. I was feeding my baby. That was it. It’s not newsworthy info. Everybody’s heard it about eleventybillion times before. Let your ego chill.

I was never proud of breastfeeding, I was glad, and thanked my lucky stars that I found it straightforward and the easiest option. If I'd have found bottle feeding the easiest option I'd have done that. And I introduced it sooner with DD2 because that did become the easiest option. Feeding your children adequately is parenting 101, it's something you must do, not an unusual achievement.

@TheatreJunkie84
I couldn't breastfeed my DC due to having to take antibiotics for kidney issues. I would have loved to BF but accepted i couldn't. The midwifes were extremely supportive and helpful when I wasn't sure which formula to use.
But the other mothers on the same ward as me were awful. Talking loudly about BF and how great it is and better for baby and how bottle feeding wasn't giving my baby what they needed.
So I understand how you carried on through your problems at the start to then BF without problems, but another mother could read that and have done all that you did and still have to turn to bottle and they would feel defeated. I agree If you were going to post due to wanting to help others it could've been better without the picture and just simple post saying
" I just wanted to leave this info of where to go and who can help if you are struggling regarding BF"
But the way you did it came across as boastful and look what I did.
I haven't said this to upset you but to see it from the other perspective.
Glad your baby is healthy and happy.

The comparisons to vaginal births though. No one writes on Facebook "I am so proud of myself, despite many complications I persevered and managed to have a natural birth". Anyone who makes out their special for having a vaginal birth is a dick. I had three, I had no pain management but If I posted that on Facebook people would rightly think it implied superiority "ladies you don't need pain relief I managed without it". It's not the fact that she is BF it's the implication that she is better than others who decided for whatever reason to FF. just do your thing - you don't need to boast to a group of strangers about it

@Graciebobcat @Tellmetruth4 again with the 'it's nothing special so get over yourself' mentality. I'm happy it was easy for you....but telling me it's 'just something you do' is like....well....there's enough analogies on this thread.

It's not like that for everyone.

@theatrejunkie I think you can tell from this long post why perhaps some people gave you negative comments on Facebook. Regardless of what you are trying to achieve it doesn't come across particularly well to all and therefore it's best to be proud within your family and friends if that's how you feel, but don't post on Facebook if you don't want any negative comeback

Well done OP. The big thing about BF is that you can't delegate for months or years at a time. It's an achievement that not everyone will understand.

FF has saved countless lives in the UK. 100 years ago babies whose mothers struggled to BF failed to thrive and just died. And some women choose not to BF for whatever reason, which is nobody else's business. None of that takes away from your achievement.

Breast milk is better than formula milk. But breastfeeding isn’t necessary better than formula feeding if that makes sense. The former is a fact... the latter statement is totally dependent on circumstance.

This is an interesting way of looking at it!

Sorry, interesting as in good. I like it. I think I’d need to unpick it in my brain more but I like it on the surface.

Well done on the breastfeeding.

Facebook makes people compare themselves to others, it's a toxic place where people become defensive and conflict escalates easily.

I've never regretted deleting my account. If your friends are true friends, you'll stay in touch. If you are not true friends then what you have on FB is phoney shit that makes you feel bad while you're being bombarded by targeted, intrusive advertising.

Find support from women who have also struggled with breastfeeding, don't throw yourself open to the world and expect universal congratulations.

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'The Gold standard.'

Oh please cherrypavlova stop being so dramatic. Infant feeding is an individual choice and mothers who choose not to should not be made to feel sub standard.

The OP can be as proud as she likes, just sharing her pride on social media is cheesy and attention seeking.

Gold standard is a term used in healthcare to mean the best thing to aim for. It isnt a dramatic phrase

Again, we're being told we've got to pretend breastmilk and formula are equivalent to please other people

@BikeTyson

The benefits of breastfeeding include reduced cancer diabetes and sids risk. Lower risk of chest infections and bowel disorders. Reduced breast cancer rates in the mother. The benefits are enormous

I was staggered when I found out that in actual fact, the only one of these benefits that’s statistically significant when adjusting for demographic factors is breast cancer in the mother. The only one of the benefits you’ve listed that can be properly evidenced is the one that’s a benefit to the mother, not the child, yet it’s the one that’s discussed the least.

The other things you’ve mentioned do not have a strong evidence base behind them. The benefits in this country are grossly overstated. It’s treating women like idiots by exaggerating when that’s completely unnecessary because breastfeeding is good thing to do for mother and baby without attributing all kinds of other shit to it that the evidence just doesn’t support.

Can you produce the 'poor evidence'? Baby friendly initiative by UNICEF, World Health Organisation anf Lullaby Trust all are good sources. The former 2 actively demonstrate the significant benefits. The only one which isnt linked is the weight loss because of breastfeeding-many women do not experience this.

@BikeTyson

Formula advertising is what is killing breastfeeding rates and it’s sickening how they are able to get away with it!

Why does this country (where formula advertising is illegal) have a lower breastfeeding rate than the US (where it’s widespread)?

It isnt illegal-its all over the TV!

Yeah I don't see the point of banning infant formula advertising when it seems companies can do whatever they want if they call it follow on milk.