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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Son's hair is "cultural appropriation"

278 replies

Jourdain11 · 24/08/2020 13:24

So as not to drop feed: my father's family are from North Africa and he had the sort of tightly-curled hair which some North African people have. I have wavy-curly hair and look European. My husband is English and all three of my children have his fair colouring. However, some trick of genetics has meant that my son (5) has inherited the tightly-curled hair gene. He is very blond and usually his hair is cut quite close to his head, but when it grows out a bit, he has these amazing blonde curls standing around his head.

Anyway, I was a bit taken aback when a friend said the other day that we'd better get his hair cut before he starts Y1 because it might offend people! She said it's cultural appropriation for him, a white boy, to be wearing his hair "in an Afro". I said that seemed pretty harsh given that his hair just grows like that and it's part of his genetic make-up. She responded that people seeing him will just see "a white boy with an Afro" and it would be offensive.

Am I being unreasonable to find this ridiculous? My poor DS is going to offend people wherever he goes just because of the way his hair grows? Or am I being completely out of touch and insensitive?!

OP posts:
User563420011 · 24/08/2020 20:26

Your friend is very wrong.
It's not appropriation- it's genetics.
I can see both sides of the argument for appropriation, and have yet to settle on a stance, but this just isn't it. There is no argument to be had. She's bonkers.

PhilSwagielka · 25/08/2020 11:16

My dad was white and Scottish and he had super curly hair. If he'd grown it out he would have had a white boy afro.

Jourdain11 · 25/08/2020 13:20

I am quite relieved that 98% of 1091 people feel that they would not be offended by my son's hair! Wink

However, I am seriously wondering if my friend is on here, as she messaged me this morning and said that she hoped I had given thought to what she said re. son's hair. I replied that I had and I still thought it was silly. She replied that I'm being really culturally insensitive and "do I even know how many black and mixed-race children are going to be in his class?" They and their parents could feel that our family is appropriating and devaluing their culture. For heaven's sake! I didn't reply because I am cross!

(And no, I don't know, because I don't tend to do a statistical analysis of my DC's prospective school classes, by race, nationality, or anything else!)

OP posts:
PhilSwagielka · 25/08/2020 13:27

Your friend is a bloody lunatic. I really don't think the other kids are going to care that your kid has curly hair or be offended by it.

Iprobap · 25/08/2020 13:28

You know for a fact your friend is being ridiculous. I suspect you know it it is the type of thing "PC gone mad" brigade latch on to. Why not ask BAME?

Runningjump · 25/08/2020 13:29

Hopefully your friend IS on here. And she can see how pathetic she is.

Honestly, how self righteous do you have to be to even consider curly hair might offend someone?

I'd get rid of her, she sounds like trouble.

Jourdain11 · 25/08/2020 13:31

Um. No, I'm not trying to stoke up any "PC gone mad" flames. What do you mean about asking BAME?

OP posts:
Jourdain11 · 25/08/2020 13:33

When I first posted, I was quite genuinely wondering if I was somehow completely missing the point...

OP posts:
Divebar · 25/08/2020 13:36

Your friend is thick. Thick as mince.

Iprobap · 25/08/2020 13:37

Mixed-race? shouldn't you know?

AGoldenHour · 25/08/2020 13:38

Your son's hair sounds fab!

Your friend is dismissing your son's and your cultural heritage.

MandosHatHair · 25/08/2020 13:39

I would be tempted to tell her that she is actually being offensive to you and your DS right now by telling him to disguise what he has inherited from his grandfather. Though tbh she is probably best ignored, she sounds like hard work!

Mumofjustboys · 25/08/2020 13:39

I really think you need to put her out of her misery and send her a family photo or something. It really sounds like she doesn't know or has forgotten what your heritage is. There is no way she would be going on like that if she knew

Cadent · 25/08/2020 13:42

But I had this little moment where I was like, "Oh God, is my son's hair actually offending loads of people and I've just never realised?!?"

Seriously?

Jourdain11 · 25/08/2020 13:51

I dunno, I always feel conscious of these things. Like I might be appropriating my own culture! Once I made tagine for DH's parents and his mum said, "ooh, is that a family recipe?" I'd actually found it on the internet, lol.

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 25/08/2020 13:53

Why not ask BAME? What the hell does this even mean? Ask all people belonging to Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic groups (since that's what it stands for, it doesn't stand for mixed race)? We are not one homogenous mass you know. And some people including myself (a black woman) do not like that term nor do we want to be described as such. It lumps us all in together and takes away our identity.

DillonPanthersTexas · 25/08/2020 13:59

Why not ask BAME

Is this the new Alexa?

Jourdain11 · 25/08/2020 13:59

It's not a term I use tbh. For a start, it kind of perpetuates a sense of White / Everything Else, which seems weird.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 25/08/2020 14:01

Your son is mixed race because of his North African heritage. I'd bluntly remind her of that, as either she doesn't know or has forgotten.

And I'd also bluntly point out that genetics isn't appropriation, and that she is the one who needs an education here.

dentydown · 25/08/2020 14:03

“yes friend, I think you are right that my son should disguise his cultural roots and black heritage”.

I had this from school insisting my son had a broken nose. His dad was Pakistani and had a “family nose”. My son was white skinned. He inherited his dad’s nose. So we trotted off to the doctors, he laughed, agreed it was a genetic nose and I wrote the letter to the school about how my poor son inherited the family nose and how it isn’t broken. School back pedalled and said no more.

Penners99 · 25/08/2020 14:04

OP, your friend has a single digit IQ. Ignore her

Comefromaway · 25/08/2020 14:05

@Jourdain11

I am quite relieved that 98% of 1091 people feel that they would not be offended by my son's hair! Wink

However, I am seriously wondering if my friend is on here, as she messaged me this morning and said that she hoped I had given thought to what she said re. son's hair. I replied that I had and I still thought it was silly. She replied that I'm being really culturally insensitive and "do I even know how many black and mixed-race children are going to be in his class?" They and their parents could feel that our family is appropriating and devaluing their culture. For heaven's sake! I didn't reply because I am cross!

(And no, I don't know, because I don't tend to do a statistical analysis of my DC's prospective school classes, by race, nationality, or anything else!)

You should text back - yes, my son will be one of the mixed race children seeing as I & he are part African.
IntermittentParps · 25/08/2020 14:07

she messaged me this morning and said that she hoped I had given thought to what she said re. son's hair. The correct response is 'why on earth would I spend time or headspace doing that?'

do I even know how many black and mixed-race children are going to be in his class?
The correct response is 'Apart from my son, you mean? No, I don't know.'

She's ill-informed and ignorant, and she's way too invested in the son of an acquaintance. She needs some education and she needs to get a life.

doadeer · 25/08/2020 14:11

You should explain to her what cultural appropriation actually is, she obviously doesn't understand.

If you permed your son's hair and dyed it black, gave him a traditionally Nigerian name and dressed him in some traditional Igbo clothing then she might have a point!

As the mother of a mixed race son, she is talking complete nonsense. Plus loads of toddlers I see have curly hair!

FedUpRippedOff · 25/08/2020 14:16

My brothers had the same type of hair (except black and no African heritage)...the jewfro as it was known.
Half of their friends had it too. Just the way the hair grows in some people!

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