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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's hair is "cultural appropriation"

278 replies

Jourdain11 · 24/08/2020 13:24

So as not to drop feed: my father's family are from North Africa and he had the sort of tightly-curled hair which some North African people have. I have wavy-curly hair and look European. My husband is English and all three of my children have his fair colouring. However, some trick of genetics has meant that my son (5) has inherited the tightly-curled hair gene. He is very blond and usually his hair is cut quite close to his head, but when it grows out a bit, he has these amazing blonde curls standing around his head.

Anyway, I was a bit taken aback when a friend said the other day that we'd better get his hair cut before he starts Y1 because it might offend people! She said it's cultural appropriation for him, a white boy, to be wearing his hair "in an Afro". I said that seemed pretty harsh given that his hair just grows like that and it's part of his genetic make-up. She responded that people seeing him will just see "a white boy with an Afro" and it would be offensive.

Am I being unreasonable to find this ridiculous? My poor DS is going to offend people wherever he goes just because of the way his hair grows? Or am I being completely out of touch and insensitive?!

OP posts:
Shayisgreat · 24/08/2020 13:43

Surely expecting someone who is genetically not white to change the way they look to fit in with the expectations of a majority white society is the problem that has led to cultural appropriation being such a hot topic. So by expecting a non-white person to conform to society's expectations of how people should look, she is the one being oppressive here. Weird attitude all round.

dollypopy · 24/08/2020 13:44

For pp so keen to get a bit of 'woke' slating in there- describing this as woke is akin to men who read a story about a women harming a man and say that's what feminism is. Why are you letting people twist and demean what 'woke' as a concept actually is? Why do you want to be used like that?

Do you not think the meaning of the word woke has changed?

netflixismysidehustle · 24/08/2020 13:45

@contrmary

It's fine for now but you need to keep in mind when he is in his teens it will be seen as an offensive gesture by some if he continues to wear his hair like that. People will only see a white boy with "black" hair and assume the worst.

I don't agree with that view but it's how many will see it.

Children with curly hair shouldn't be discrimated against something that they can't help.

My son is 14 with a white best friend who has similar hair. His curls make him stand out which he likes.

It's actually very trendy for teenage boys to perm their hair atm.

IntermittentParps · 24/08/2020 13:46

She needs to fuck off.

Who voted YABU? Confused

Soontobe60 · 24/08/2020 13:46

2% think YABU????

ASatisfyingThump · 24/08/2020 13:46

Its hair. It grows how it grows. If anyone's offended by it that's their problem. Frankly I think anyone who gets offended by a child's hair needs to thank their lucky stars they have nothing bigger to worry about. I think it's nice that he has that tangible link to his grandfather and that part of his heritage.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/08/2020 13:46

@Soontobe60

2% think YABU????
The friend? 😁
dollypopy · 24/08/2020 13:47

It's fine for now but you need to keep in mind when he is in his teens it will be seen as an offensive gesture by some if he continues to wear his hair like that. People will only see a white boy with "black" hair and assume the worst.

Really? That's depressing particularly as we are seeing more & more mixed heritage children.

BiBabbles · 24/08/2020 13:47

YANBU to find it ridiculous and I think only a tiny minority of people will even think anything like your friend, let alone find it insulting. I find the idea one can be born appropriating due to how your hair or anything else grows is bizarre - and I'm usually one of the first to say most white "locs" aren't dreadlocks, they're matts unless they have type 4 hair.

I've known a lot of white and white-passing guys with dense curly hair that became 'fros at the slightest length. I can remember the jokes about their 'Jewfros' even though several weren't Jewish - some had mixed heritage like your DS and some just had really curly hair. I've never known anyone to think they're appropriating from black people for how their hair grows.

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 24/08/2020 13:47

For pp so keen to get a bit of 'woke' slating in there- describing this as woke is akin to men who read a story about a women harming a man and say that's what feminism is. Why are you letting people twist and demean what 'woke' as a concept actually is? Why do you want to be used like that?

The two are in no way the same though.

This is actually a brilliant example of the kind of superficial ‘look at me, I’m so great’ approach to being ‘woke’ that actually involves having no appreciation for or knowledge of what you’re talking about. Rather than actually thinking about people from different races it backgrounds in any real way, it turns the issues they face into facile bullshit (that can be posted on social media to try to make the poster appear to be a better quality of person).

How else do you get to the point of accusing a little boy of some North African descent of culturally appropriating his own hair?

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 24/08/2020 13:47

Curly hair and Afro hair are not the same thing. At all. Tell your friend that.

TheKeatingFive · 24/08/2020 13:48

Your 'friend' does not have two brain cells to rub together.

If she raises it again, don't hold back on what a ridiculous twat she's being.

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 24/08/2020 13:48

if you used products or purposefully styled it that way then yeah but as this is not the case your friend is being too PC.

Even if OP's DS styled his hair that way with products it still wouldn't be because his direct line comes from N. Africa. He is perfectly entitled to, it is his heritage fgs.
The world's gone mad.

Moreisnnogedag · 24/08/2020 13:48

Totally agree with the pp that the very idea of Afro style hair being contrary to ‘neat and tidy’ school hair style is a massive part of the problem. Although I get that this isn’t your intention at all but would personally stridently disagree with a school that tried to get me to cut my child’s hair because of their prejudices.

His hair is his hair and is part of his heritage and he should not have to hide it to conform to people’s stereotypes of what those with African heritage look like.

Original poster
Jourdain11 · 24/08/2020 13:48

When he's older, he can decide how to do his hair (within reason, lol). It seems sad to me that his natural hair is something he could be "criticised" for...

OP posts:
dollypopy · 24/08/2020 13:49

How else do you get to the point of accusing a little boy of some North African descent of culturally appropriating his own hair?

That is the question

ILoveFood87 · 24/08/2020 13:50

Your friend is ridiculous. My teen son wants to grow his hair so he will not be having a back to school haircut. I'd be annoyed if he gets pulled up on having longer than usual hair at his academy school. I've always made him go with the norm, short back and sides even though he loves it long as I it felt it looks messy but feel bad about it now and want him to just be him.

Pinkflipflop85 · 24/08/2020 13:51

I would have laughed in her face and asked her if she meant to be so fucking stupid.

Sounds like she needs to actually learn what cultural appropriation means.

namitynamechange · 24/08/2020 13:51

@dollypopy . Agreed. Also there is no indication the friend is saying this in a genuine attempt to be "woke" or as a sideways swipe at it (like some of my -racist- relatives refferring to themselves as English etc and then adding "of course you could get in trouble for that now". WHen they know damn well you wouldnt.) Its the new politcal correctness gone MAAAAAD.

tiredanddangerous · 24/08/2020 13:51

Are white people not allowed to have curly hair now? I'd best go and buy some straighteners ASAP Confused

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/08/2020 13:52

This brings an interesting question. When are things ok and not ok. I think we will see a lots of this now with the race talks and with how many people are and will be mixed race. If you get for example skin tone from one parent but hair from another where do you belong? What's acceptable?Sadly all this might imho even deepen the already known problem for many mixed race people who already have identity issues and issues fit in.

namitynamechange · 24/08/2020 13:53

@Jourdain11

When he's older, he can decide how to do his hair (within reason, lol). It seems sad to me that his natural hair is something he could be "criticised" for...
Yes - and thats exactly the problem black people have had for years. Its good that theres pressure to change and greater awareness of it as an issue now. I don't think creating the same problems for your son is progress.
C130 · 24/08/2020 13:54

@contrmary

It's fine for now but you need to keep in mind when he is in his teens it will be seen as an offensive gesture by some if he continues to wear his hair like that. People will only see a white boy with "black" hair and assume the worst.

I don't agree with that view but it's how many will see it.

What nonsense are you talking about. What worse are people going to assume? OP do not worry about your son's hair. It is natural, and is how it grows, which people with a brain will be able to see, regardless of the colour of his skin.
Heidi1976 · 24/08/2020 13:54

It winds me up that just because someone looks 'white' that the assumption is automatically of cultural appropriation.

I've seen plenty of men/women who looked 'white' with afros. Not once did I think they had styled their hair like that and all I remember thinking was 'that hair is awesome'. Don't cut your son's hair. It's his genetics, his heritage and makes him special.

0blio · 24/08/2020 13:54

So he's "appropriating" his own cultural heritage? Wow, she must have tied herself in knots with that one!
His hair sounds lovely OP.