Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

Your children's cousins who are living away from home, will be paying rent, have to pay for shopping, to use the washing machines, and to buy textbooks and to use the internet in the library or their halls. All things your children dont need to pay for. Dont look at it as your mum rewarding academic achievements but assisting practically at an expensive time of life for your Nieces and Nephews. I think its stinging because it opens up old wounds, that is what you need to discuss with your mum not your children, some closure may make you feel much better

I see someone already mentioned but would you expect wedding presents even if your DD didn't get married? Or money for baby clothes if your DD didn't have a baby?

It is specific. (I didn't get married - both my sisters did - Parents paid significiant sum towards wedding and gave substantial present. I of course got nothing)

Maybe speak to her and tell her how you see it as unfair. Maybe she has a different plan for those not furthering education.
Maybe a car fund or first months rent on a place.

Fair doesn't mean equal

Waltz
My DC all have SEN which I have stated

Why would your child need money when they’re living at home & working though? Going to Uni costs a lot of money.

You really need to get over your bitterness & resentment.

Agree YABU, they are being rewarded for going to study further, plus living away at uni is more expensive than living at home with bills paid for

I mean, there are two separate things here, aren't there. One is the money and one is the lionisation of academic achievement, which has left some members of the family feeling unvalued.

I have mixed feelings about the money tbh. I dislike parents/GPs who feel that everyone should get the same amount to the penny regardless of circumstances, which often ends up being unfair in a different way. But yes, while being at uni is expensive, the £1000 she's giving is a) a drop in the ocean of student debt they'll end up with and b) does look very like a reward for giving granny something to boast about to friends.

What I think is clearer is that your mother values academic achievement past the point where she can see how unkind she's been, particularly to you. If that's your real beef and you don't care about the money per se, then why make the conversation about the money at all? Why not give it to her straighter and say that you feel her gesture runs the risk of making your DCs feel rejected, just as you did. If the money really isn't the important thing, then surely it's the feelings that need talking about. Have you ever had this conversation with her?

And I agree with pp that you write well and clearly aren't thick at all. And you're a better mum than your mother was to you, so your DCs are the lucky ones compared with their cousins imo, who may well feel that their approval ratings are performance-related, as often happens in academic families.

But YANBU, in short.

I don't really get the rational that children don't need money from a grandparent if they are living at home but students do if they live away. It would depend on how much a parent contributes, loan, cost of living etc.

In my opinion YABU. University is expensive. Students come out with debt in excess of £50k these days, with higher interest rates than when I finished uni.

I don’t feel it’s favouritism, I feel it’s providing support due to the situation. I’m sure if you DC were to require support for some reason that it would be provided.

You have acknowledged this is your issue. Which is gracious and brave of you. I think you are correct about that. You have also acknowledged that going away to university is expensive. I do think it is possible that given it’s not something you ever had planned for yourself or your children that you (not unreasonably) have had little thought about the extent of the huge financial outlay involved.

You say it’s not about the money, but given you say your mum is a nice person, that you have always felt loved and that your DCs have also received generous presents, it’s hard to see that it isn’t about the money really.

What is it you want your mum to do? Give your sister’s children less? Or give yours more? Or something else?

In my opinion YABU. University is expensive. Students come out with debt in excess of £50k these days, with higher interest rates than when I finished uni.

Not all! DD has friends at universities whose parents are paying for it all and I know one or two people who intend to do that too. Regardless, people with degrees very often earn much higher salaries than those who don't. That's one of the reasons people do degrees in the first place.

I think that's absolutely awful and YANBU at all. I'm shocked anyone thinks it's ok.

I really feel for you OP. I’m impressed at the way you’ve handled the feedback here and you’re obviously a good mum. I don’t know you but on the evidence here you are absolutely not “thick“.
If there’s something you have an interest in I would highly recommend searching for a free course on futurelearn and giving it a go. I feel that you greatly underestimate your own abilities.

@SarahAndQuack

I think that's absolutely awful and YANBU at all. I'm shocked anyone thinks it's ok.

Yes. MN is weird sometimes.

I honestly appreciate all comments.
I think that with hindsight I should have said to her that it brought back my feelings of inadequacy and not that she should treat them all the same .

Some of you have been very kind and have made me feel much better so Thankyou.

To the posters that say I have repeated the cycle ,
I did everything I could to help. Paid for Maths tutors all through year 5 and 6 .
Science tutors for GCSE . I did what I could .
Some posters are not listening to my explanation of SEN .
I think it is impossible to imagine how it feels having DC who may well struggle over the years with employment ect unless you have an SEN child yourself.
There is a mourning for the future you know they won’t have .
I’m being realistic btw, I’m not writing them off .

The nicest thing to do is an equal amount to all grandchildren towards their future.

To help with Uni.
To help with alternative courses.
To help with driving lessons.

There are lots of things the money could be used for.

It is fairer to do it this way and kinder.

It actually sounds like your parents are very unimaginative, OP, and are only able to deal with children whose lives can be summed up in a paragraph about academic acheivement.

It really depends on the type of SEN, the severity and the support available. I have two with SEN, ASD/ADHD and expects to go to uni (still in Primary), one dyslexic who's confidence is low and had tutors before Covid but I know plenty of dyslexics who have degrees so I'm hoping we can turn it around.

Not that it means you didn't do your best, just that SEN doesn't equal academic failure. And I agree with a PP hard work is more important, intelligence isn't just genetic. Finding a niche is key, regardless of qualifications needed. And being happy. You sound like you are being hard on yourself.

I think it's terribly unfair of the grandparents.

They should give a set amount to all grandchildren either all at the same time as a one off, or on becoming a certain age.

@mrpumblechook

In my opinion YABU. University is expensive. Students come out with debt in excess of £50k these days, with higher interest rates than when I finished uni.

Not all! DD has friends at universities whose parents are paying for it all and I know one or two people who intend to do that too. Regardless, people with degrees very often earn much higher salaries than those who don't. That's one of the reasons people do degrees in the first place.

No, not all, but the majority.

Personally I went to university without financial support from parents. I did receive grants due to their earnings and I had to work whilst studying. But my tuition fees were circa. 3k p.a. and my interest rate is much lower.

I couldn’t do the job I now do or earn the salary I do without my degree, however this doesn’t reflect the fact that when I was at university I had to budget and making ends meet was challenging.

I had IVF privately and my mum gave us some of the money. One of my siblings isn't married, so didn't get a wedding present from our parents. One of my nephews plays flute and our mum bought him an instrument. One of my siblings lived close to our mum when her dcs were small, so got lots of free babysitting.

I think you have to try not to see things like this as about equality. It's more about being in a position to contribute when a family member would really benefit from your help. To me it kind of devalues it if it always has to be equal e.g. if my kids had got money when dn got the flute it would feel like it was less of a special thing that mum was doing for him. I admit I sometimes had to explain this to my kids, but as long it's not really favouritism I think it's okay.

I’ve always known my DC aren’t academic so have encouraged many interests and hobbies over the years and always told them that anything is possible , talked about types of jobs they could do

Neither of my dc are academic both have SENs
Neither has passed English Language GCSE and the few GCSEs they did pass were scraped through.

Knowing they were never going to be employed in a steady minimum wage job they have both set up their own businesses and do agency work as well to being the money in.
They do all sorts of stuff.

I too decided to concentrate on ECAs for dc and dd is qualified to teach a couple of these activities. Certainly not minimum wage jobs.

Could your dc look at taking the grades to pass the teaching grade in an ECA that they did well in.

I think you are focussing too much on academic education. It isn’t the be all or end all of getting a good income.
There are so many things you can do.

FWIW dc both work in one industry.
Dp who is a highly qualified professional (didn’t go to university as you didn’t need to years ago) and was on a 6 figure salary retired last year.
Bored he had decided to join dc doing work in the industry they are in.
He has just landed a job that lasts for 3 months and is surprised that it will pay more per month that he was coming out with in his high powered job which had a lot of deductions, Plus commuting costs, lunches and clothing

I would have a look round at what is out there for all your dc and take on board what they like to do and are good at and maybe start to make a few hours per week about working a different job.

YABU.

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. Your mum is treating the grandchildren differently based on academic ability and thats unfair. If she is prepared to give money to those going to uni she should give the same to those who wont be bright enough to go to uni. Id be pissed off if my mother did this although I know she never would. I feel for you.