Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

@Valerievalerie

The amount really isn’t an issue, I actually told mum that £500 was way to much for 21st . I’m well aware that I sound churlish It just really triggers old feelings of being written off

There were very low expectations of me . I asked mum why nobody made me revise for my exams and she said there was no point .

I still feel really sad about that . It’s almost like they did not know what to do with a child who wasn’t a genius so just left me to get on with it .

I would have loved to be a writer or a social worker , but nothing was ever suggested to me .
Really weird

Ive always known my DC aren’t academic so have encouraged many interests and hobbies over the years and always told them that anything is possible , talked about types of jobs they could do ect

I’m just still upset that nobody did this for me . It was awful being written off .
However , it is my cross to bear , you are all absolutely spot on and I will apologise to mum later .
She really is a kind soul , and not to blame for my Achilles heel ....

You moan about you having low expectations yet then say you know your children aren't academic

How do you not see that's the same thing

YABU. Your sister’s DC pay rent, ridiculously expensive text books, groceries, transport. They need the money. Your DD got £500 to spend on whatever she wants.

I get why you're upset but I don't agree that all children / grandchildren should be treated the same (in this instance anyway). If your mother was giving them that money because of the grades they achieved then that's one thing, but it sounds like she's giving the money because she recognises the cost that comes with further education and wants to ease that a bit. If your children have gone straight into work (minimum wage or not), they're earning and not building debt, unlike most uni students so don't have the same need.

I think this stems more from your own insecurities about not being academic. It sounds like a lot of that perhaps comes from you making comparisons between yourself and your siblings rather than your mother making those comparisons as you say she generally doesn't play favourites and is generous and even handed generally.

In my view your mum is looking at the individual needs of her grandchildren and acting on that but you're perceiving it to be rewarding them for going to uni.

As another aside, there is an assumption that a child living at home has rent and food covered (and i think the OP is doing this so its not relevant to this scenario) but when i went to work i paid my mum rent and bought my own food. My mum had to keep a bigger house to house me, council tax went up and child benefit stopped. She downsized soon after i left.
My DH went to uni and had more money than i did working FT. But yes he had to pay it back or have debts written off if he never earned enough

I don't think YABU. My mil has her favourite gc and rewards them financially. It hurts that my child is not treated the same. My mil is putting away money in the bank accounts of one set of grandchildren but not ours. If anything their father is more successful than us with an apartment abroad etc. One of them at just 13 has started divvying up the grandparents personal possessions. It's not fair but I am someone who believes what goes around comes around. Some people are just suckers for material wealth and to those who have the potential to acquire material wealth. Some people measure success with how much money one earns or has the potential to earn. Unfortunately, grandparents tend to have favourites and there is nothing we can do about it, but let's hope these favourites are all there to look after the grandparents when they are Ill and need help. Also , as pp's have said , University is expensive but that is a choice they have made fully knowing the costs involved. Therefore it shouldnt be on anyone else to help out. My own paternal grandmother had her favourite child and grandchildren and we resented it. My brother didn't attend her funeral and I wish I hadn't either. I only went for the sake of my father. I think it's good you articulated your feelings to your mother. If she genuinely thinks what she is doing is fair well it's her choice. But at least she knows how you feel. I don't think you need to apologise. Now that you have made your feelings known I would act as if the conversation never happened unless she brings it up again. If she does bring it up again I would stand my ground. Maybe you should try and keep your distance from her as much as possible as she seems to ignite negative feeling in you and bad memories. One doesn't need to go to Uni to be successful or to be a good person. There are plenty who go into work and get work experience and climb their way up the ladder and wind up managing new graduates.

Sorry - yabu. It is fair and what your doing is projecting your own feelings from the past onto your children.

It was to help with uni expenses. If the expenses weren't being incurred your children didn't need help 🤷🏻‍♀️

mrpumblechook, my point was, getting £1000 just because they are going to Uni, or getting £500 because they didn't make any disadvantage, regardless of being academic or having Sen. Fact is those who goes needs extra to fund their education, and those who doesn't may not need the same amount of support, no matter what they are going to earn in the future. Do they?

Op, I cannot stand when GC have favourites and I am usually very sympathetic with those who feel that they were treated differently.
However, in your case you have said that your mother has been good to your dc. She gave them £500 for their 21st birthdays. She is obviously a generous woman who loves her grandchildren.
She obviously values education, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t value you or her other GC
Stop blaming her for the fact that you didn’t revise or do your homework. Parents can only do so much. If a child is reluctant to study it’s difficult to make them study.

@Valerievalerie

It’s the fact growing up you have genuinely felt inadequate for not being the brightest. Now the money being given by your parent validates this feeling. Of course this isn’t to say your mother is being unfair. Rather it’s your own issue and the fact going to university has been rewarded more highly and not going has been less so. It will be vital for you to assess your worth and self-esteem. So that your own DC do not end up feeling the way you do now. You have the power to change the course of their feelings and sense of self esteem and worth. Addressing it with your Mother might be helpful, she seems like a genuinely loving and kind woman.

I also see that although you feel sad about not being bright you have accepted it. You have probably had many years where it wasn’t a problem for you. But remember there are always going to be moments where that low feeling is sparked. This is one of those moments and what matters most now is how you rise but how you help your own DC see their self worth and not compare.

Also it may help if your Mother didn’t share how much she has given to each GC but also that she evaluates more closely the reason why one should get more. My personal opinion is that she should give the same. Those GC will definitely feel less valued by her when they get less - and that feeling will have nothing to do with whether or not they went to university.

I am having some of my own issues with my mother and was wondering if anyone would be able to share the Stately Homes thread which is apparently full of useful info on toxic relationships.
Thanks all and apologies for jumping on this thread to ask but it seems to be a very active one.

@WaltzfortheMars

mrpumblechook, my point was, getting £1000 just because they are going to Uni, or getting £500 because they didn't make any disadvantage, regardless of being academic or having Sen. Fact is those who goes needs extra to fund their education, and those who doesn't may not need the same amount of support, no matter what they are going to earn in the future. Do they?

It isn't a fact that grandchildren "need" extra money to fund their education. Their parents may well be giving them sufficient amounts. My DD certainly doesn't struggle financially and neither do have friends as long as their parents top up their loans to the amount they would get for a full loan. OP's mother hasn't ascertained that they are struggling or that their parents can't afford to help them. She also hasn't indicated that she will give her non academic grandchildren money when they leave home despite the fact that they will probably need it just as much, if not more. This is clearly been given to reward them for going to university.

I don't think it's unfair. Your mum has given the other children this cash for a specific purpose.

It's like if one of your kids was moving into their first home, I'm sure she'd give them a contribution to help out. Doesn't mean she needs to give each of her grandchildren the same, despite them not having the expense of a new home.

My parents gave my siblings a couple/few of thousand for each of their wedding days, not entirely sure of the figures as none on my business. dh and I opted for a registry office and "only" got a couple of hundred for a wedding present.

I don't find that unfair, I don't feel they value my siblings marriages over mine, your situation is no different.

With the caveat that it's always parents' choice how to spend their money, I can see how this would sting. Any disparity shown between children/grandchildren, regardless of individuals' circumstances, will usually cause resentment as it smacks of favouritism. The rewarding/not rewarding of criteria, sometimes beyond control. You see it with loans, inheritance and gifts all the time on here - including when a child is aggrieved because they are seen to have 'succeeded' so don't need the help.
It is easily prevented by treating everyone equally. You don't say whether your nieces and nephews also got money on their 21sts. Had yours had 500 pounds for that and 500 for their first car (as an example) whilst the others had 1000 for college, it would all have balanced out (although then others might have been hurt). Better would have just been to give all of them same amount as they all turned 18. Glory of hindsight.
For those talking of the 1000 being needed more for university costs/maintenance - at the end of the day, a graduate has a greater earning potential (it might not pan out like that, if someone climbs the ladder from 16 but that's great work ethic or if someone becomes a high earner through apprenticing as a plumber/electrician/plasterer: again that's reward through hard work) therefore if you end up with grandchildren on a graduate salary versus those on minimum wage, the 500 pounds extra needed at the time by one set...could well be needed by the other later down the line or even now, during furlough/covid 19.
Essentially OP, not your money so be grateful for being gifted anything but I can see why you think other children have been favoured over yours. Congratulations on your dc's grade 4 in English That is great news for them and deserves to be celebrated.

[quote ancientgran]**@frustrationcentral* fil tells us all about it!* I think that is a big mistake. I have 4 kids, none of them know what the other's have been given. All have been to uni and had help but it was more expensive for the younger ones, some had grants or bursaries some lived in more expensive places so help was tailored. The ones who are married got money to help with the wedding, but due to things like one deciding they were going to give priority to friends and hardly any family there and another wanting to include extended family the 2nd one got more from us as we were happy to have everyone there, also issues like one having comfortably off in laws who also helped and another marrying someone who was from a single parent family without much money who couldn't do anything.

I think the one who has had most help has had least money, lives close and has had free childcare for 13 years for their children, picked up from school, fed, taken to activities, been on holiday with us as parents working in school holidays. I can't do it for the ones who live hundreds of miles away so should I say in fairness I can't do it for the local ones?

They never ask what the others have had and I never say, it is my money and I will decide how I spend it but advertising any differences just causes upset. My view is that I've been a parent for over 40 years and hopefully I've got a few years left and I'm not going to keep accounts of who has had what, life is too short.[/quote]
@ancientgran, totally agree he shouldn't tell us. He's very open, has told us in the past how he always likes to have his grandchildren round individually during the school holidays - take them out for lunch/clothes shopping etc. Except that doesn't include our children who he never invites. I don't understand it, but really can't get my head around how open he is to showing how much he wants to do things with the others. BIL doesn't like it either, but neither he or DH want to say anything. I remember once we saw BIL and family before visiting In laws (we didn't have the children) with us - FIL asked how our nieces and nephews were, didn't once ask after our children.

It's weird, we all spend similar amounts of time with FIL, so its not as if they rarely see us or the children. It's almost as if he's forgotten they are their grandchildren too! It is what it is though, I don't think the children are aware of it, and they don't go without. It would just be nice if once in a while they got the same treats as the others

There were very low expectations of me . I asked mum why nobody made me revise for my exams and she said there was no point

I still feel really sad about that . It’s almost like they did not know what to do with a child who wasn’t a genius so just left me to get on with it

I would have loved to be a writer or a social worker , but nothing was ever suggested to me.

I get your anger, I honestly do, but I don't think you can lay this squarely at your parents' door. My parents left school at twelve, were unable/unwilling to help with homework in primary school, certainly never so much as suggested revising in secondary, and actively tried to get me to leave school at 15 and to prevent me from considering university. Because my school (very deprived intake) was equally uninterested, and had no experience in sending students to university, I had to make all the applications by myself, including the financial aid ones on behalf of my parents etc. Despite this, I'm still angry that they didn't help make my life slightly easier at the time, or actually take any pride whatsoever in my achievements.

But I'm not saying this to rebuke you, just to say take hold of your life now. Can you attend university as a mature student? And if you want to write, no education whatsoever is required.

Tell you what OP nobody would tell my mum how to spend her money,I am nearly 50 and we wouldnt dare!.Her money hers to choose who gets it,when and what for.As an adult we provide for our own kids,its called self respet.If they are treated to gifts be it monetary or other its a lovely gesture.Stop being a victim and making your kids victims too....theres more to life,

You are being unreasonable. I’m so sorry to say that as it must be hard to hear. But you need to find a balance / way through this.

But you could you possibly suggest a little fund to put aside for your DDs to start driving? Would your mum will help with that?

My brother didn’t go to uni but had help for driving lessons.

I went to university and didn’t get any financial help for driving.

it’ll give your DDs something to look forward to and a lifelong skill!!

YABU uni is very expensive and it’s tough to work and study (although I did do it) so it’s great that your mum is helping them out. She is supporting them to get a good education. Education is very important so I don’t think it’s bad your mum values it - I think everyone highly values education. Your own insecurities are showing and I would be careful not to let it tarnish your relationship with your mum who sounds lovely.

Mentioning someone going to Oxford and not the person working in a shop is fairly normal I would say. I’d equate it to when I ask my mum if there’s any news with her and she would say I met X and her daughter is moving to Australia. She wouldn’t say I met X and her daughter sat in her house last weekend watching tv. If I had always wanted to move to Australia And never did maybe I’d see that as aimed at me but I wouldn’t be. Like I said it’s your insecurities.

Uni life is expensive, however a major reason for going is as investment in a future career. The uni going grandchildren are probably facing a brighter financial future than the ones who don't go.

I went to Uni, my brother didn't.

My parents paid my rent and gave me money for food and bills.

My brother stayed at home, got a job and lived rent free.
My Mum provided his meals and did his laundry.

People are helped out in different ways OP.

OP, you seem to have quite deep-seated feelings of inadequacy because your academic achievements don't match those of your siblings. That is your issue to deal with.

It is also clear that you have perpetuated the cycle with your own children. You clearly blame your mother for not making you revise but is that really fair? Parents do have a responsibility to help their children achieve their potential but that can happen earlier or later and is child-specific.

We have three very academic kids with a clutch of degrees between them, our SIL's children do not and so their GM decided to give them all £6000 as a house deposit, rather than for university. This seemed the fairest way to her. Only one of them hasn't had the money yet but it is ringfenced for when they decide to buy.

However, in our own family, we have helped as needed and not always equally. We helped with university, cars, house deposits, etc, equally, but one is getting married next year and we will be paying out for that. We will not give the same amount to the others. Going forward, we will assist with money for big life events, or for cases of genuine need, for each of them as required.

I think you need to stop equating success or value with academic achievement. Your self-esteem will suffer if you continue to do this.

Break the cycle and celebrate life successes and celebrate their characters and personal qualities.

Find the time to get some qualifications and the career that will fulfill you and boost your self-esteem.

Hug mum, it is hard being a parent of adult children who suddenly get a bee in their bonnet about equality of monetary support being equated to love or family value.

@Valerievalerie
You said ''I know I'm thick''

That clearly isn't true.
FE colleges are full of people who did really badly at school, but want another bite at it.

One lad bombed all his GCSE's- I think E's across the board.
He got 4 'A' levels at A grade, non modular, when 'A' was the highest grade one could achieve..
And he went on to a 'Good' university.

Perhaps you just didn't like school that much-

I'm sure if you were in the right mind set, and did the exams again, you'd get much better grades.

Mind set is what it is all about, I think.

I had a step grandparent that had ''Favourites'' and it really caused friction.

Some grandparents live vicariously through their grand children.

SIL has spent lockdown running his school's on-line presence, something like 7am to 6pm or 7pm, one mother has made an official complaint because he didn't make her son do the work he'd been set to do in her house under her supervision!