Is my mum being unfair giving cash for university for grandchildren but not the others

[Valerievalerie]

My parents have 9 GC , half of them very high achievers, we are talking all A* , oxbridge standard

They all started going to uni last year . Mum told me that she had given a sum to my nephew as it is nice to have some money when away . First of all it is important to say that I’m absolutely not the type of person who keeps a tally and I indeed agree that it’s lovely to have a bit extra .

Now I have 3 daughters , all similar ages to my sisters children who have not gone to university, there are various mild SEN , and they just aren’t academic, The most academic out the 3 still failed half their GCSEs and has now told me that they don’t want to go to college or Uni .

Sisters second child is about to go off in September and my other sister also has a son going next year , so mum is telling me that they will need to give them the same .
Now because my oldest DD was 21 recently they were given £500 from my parents
This was of course very generous and she said she will give the same to my middle DD who is 21 next year
My youngest DD would have been going to college next year or the year after . Now I think it would be unfair to give my youngest £1000 like the cousins just for going to Uni . I feel like it is penalising for not being clever enough to go on to study . This may not happen anyway as she says she might just get a job instead.

I said to my mum last night that I didn’t think she should treat the grandchildren differently

She was quite shocked and said it was because when you go away from home you need all the help that you can get .

Now I was the one growing up who was not academic and I scraped 2 GCSEs , much like my children and my sisters were very clever and it has brought back all my feelings of inadequacy.
Ive always been envious of people who are clever , as brains are much admired in my family, and I was keenly aware of this growing up .
I know I’m thick and it’s awful seeing my children suffer at school like I did , and watch every one else in the family recipe I g endless A graded .

I was loved just the same but i have always felt like I was a disappointment.

Now I’m going through the same with my children and it stings . My middle daughter works very hard in a minimum wage job , does she deserve less because she didn’t go to Uni ?

I said to mum on the phone that it wasn’t about the money , and it really isn’t . It’s about feeling that brains are rewarded and another reminder about my feelings as a failure.
She said that it was about the money . It really isn’t . We are not short of money .

My mum has always been generous and has given all of us money for various things .
She really doesn’t play favourites so is baffled why I feel like this .

It is really hard watching other teens happily off to Uni , my oldest especially feels down about all her friends going wishing she could.

I have never discussed how I feel with my DC btw, Ive always felt embarrassed about how I feel and would never openly admit it , I try hard to play to their strengths and give them confidence.

So not sure what I should say to mum .
I think that I just want her to acknowledge how I felt second best and how hard it is growing up in a family of geniuses when you aren’t .
I might seem like I’m being really childish and grabby but I honestly am not.

My mum is always so proud of their academic abilities, my daughter was finally awarded a pass for GCSE English this week with the grades fiasco and had failed it twice already . I didn’t even tell mum as sisters daughter was given all As for A level a couple of weeks ago .
I can’t bring myself to tell her about our grade 4 pass .

@WaltzfortheMars

Good for you, mrpumblechook. You can support your BIL who didn't get what he deserved.

I haven't said anything about him not getting what he deserves. My point is it is far easier to get a good job and earn a high salary if you are well educated. To suggest otherwise is very disingenuous.

University's a 30k debt for a great deal of work. You get paid for working in a shop.

Your DC don't need the money. DNs do. DM is giving them a tiny amount compared to the debt they'll run up for the 'privilege' of unpaid hard work.

@frustrationcentral fil tells us all about it! I think that is a big mistake. I have 4 kids, none of them know what the other's have been given. All have been to uni and had help but it was more expensive for the younger ones, some had grants or bursaries some lived in more expensive places so help was tailored. The ones who are married got money to help with the wedding, but due to things like one deciding they were going to give priority to friends and hardly any family there and another wanting to include extended family the 2nd one got more from us as we were happy to have everyone there, also issues like one having comfortably off in laws who also helped and another marrying someone who was from a single parent family without much money who couldn't do anything.

I think the one who has had most help has had least money, lives close and has had free childcare for 13 years for their children, picked up from school, fed, taken to activities, been on holiday with us as parents working in school holidays. I can't do it for the ones who live hundreds of miles away so should I say in fairness I can't do it for the local ones?

They never ask what the others have had and I never say, it is my money and I will decide how I spend it but advertising any differences just causes upset. My view is that I've been a parent for over 40 years and hopefully I've got a few years left and I'm not going to keep accounts of who has had what, life is too short.

First of all , I absolutely would not suggest / accept bank account for future . It’s my job to support my DC .

I am rather taken aback at the hostility and accusations of being immature and not taking responsibility for revising.

With hindsight I used the wrong wording .
Rather than saying about them not making me revise , what I should have said is that I was disappointed looking back that there were no comments/ suggestions / surprise expressed at my lack of revision.
No gentle supportive chat asking about it or what went wrong.

I do wonder if the harsh responses on here are from posters who ( no doubt ) mostly have DC at Uni given the demographic on here , and are looking at it from their perspective only .

Again , it’s interesting reading but a lot of folk are deliberately missing my point .
It is not about the amount .
It’s about second generation feeling second best

I am aware it’s my issue,
I only found out about the exam result yesterday so it’s not like I’ve sat on it for ages . I will tell mum later .

I’m not childish, and resent that accusation by someone who uses OMG which in my humble opinion is a very childish way of writing

Thanks for all your input. It is really helpful to hear , despite some being hard to read .

Sorry but YABU. Your mum has clearly stated her reason - they are away from home. Just because you have decided it’s about rewarding brains, doesn’t mean that’s true.

But if you wanted to pursue writing or social work why didn’t you? You’ve had decades to do it and chosen not to, now you’re blaming your parents for not suggesting anything to you/pushing you.

Different circumstances warrant being treated differently. My mum has paid a £1000 deposit for my ds22 for his masters course she didn't then give the other 7 grandchildren £1000 too.

This is so about you OP .
You feel under valued academically and feel sidelined because you are obviously bright - just maybe not a genius. With encouragement you could probably have done well.

I understand this. I felt the same all my life. My children are just a bit older than yours. One just finished Uni, one dropped out, one just going.

My eldest - having finished and gained her degree - provided that encouragement that my parents didn't. I am now 3 years through my 5 year degree via the OU.. in a field that will enhance my current employment as well as something I'm interested in.. I got a student loan the same way as the kids and will pay it back in the same way until I retire.. when it will be wiped out. (My pension will not be 25k sadly)

It's never too late - and will do your self esteem wonders !

@Valerievalerie

First of all , I absolutely would not suggest / accept bank account for future . It’s my job to support my DC .

I am rather taken aback at the hostility and accusations of being immature and not taking responsibility for revising.

With hindsight I used the wrong wording .
Rather than saying about them not making me revise , what I should have said is that I was disappointed looking back that there were no comments/ suggestions / surprise expressed at my lack of revision.
No gentle supportive chat asking about it or what went wrong.

I do wonder if the harsh responses on here are from posters who ( no doubt ) mostly have DC at Uni given the demographic on here , and are looking at it from their perspective only .

Again , it’s interesting reading but a lot of folk are deliberately missing my point .
It is not about the amount .
It’s about second generation feeling second best

I am aware it’s my issue,
I only found out about the exam result yesterday so it’s not like I’ve sat on it for ages . I will tell mum later .

I’m not childish, and resent that accusation by someone who uses OMG which in my humble opinion is a very childish way of writing

Thanks for all your input. It is really helpful to hear , despite some being hard to read .

They will feel second best only if you let them. Also it is never too late to pursue social work if thats what you want. Do an access course at college and find a way. Often those of us who were 'not academic' thrive when we do something we love. You need to be proactive as it is the only way you can challenge your own feelings about yourself. Use proving them wrong as a motivation!

mrpumblechook, tell me about how they have disadvantaged if they have SEN by grans giveng the £1000 or £500 regarding the paths they choose. You brought it up yourself about Sen.. I will make sure my ds with SEN doesn't suffer with any disadvantage with your advice.

Not completely on topic, but the fact you’ve raised 3 children with various SEN issues I’m just amazed by you!
Your family (& society) measures a lot by academic achievement and your siblings & your siblings children have done amazingly well - bravo to them all, but you and your children have had a completely different set of challenges, ones they will never understand or appreciate, so well done to you ! And well done to your dc too !
As someone who has raised an SEN child, and knows the feeling of a thousand swords in my heart when I hear how well others are doing, progressing & achieving, knowing mine won’t, it’s awful, and for you especially as relatives are especially high achievers.
Just try to move passed it - ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. Keep doing what you’re doing, you sound amazing.

As for the money, your mum sounds very kind. The others will need more because they will have related outgoings, whereas your dc could spend it all on herself.
But we know none of this is about money.

I get exactly where you are coming from but I wonder if your Mum would likely do something similar for your girls when they leave home or start apprentices or whatever. It’s a normal nice thing to give money when kids go to uni so I think it’s ok that she does that. Your Mum sounds nice enough I’m sure she loves your DDs just as much.

I’ve got the academic DC in our family and while I’ve caught my parents doing the boasting thing I know they value all their grandkids the same. Cash wise they help out my siblings kids more because they have less cash.

BTW I’ve roasted them for the boasting 😂.

@pumpkinpie01

Different circumstances warrant being treated differently. My mum has paid a £1000 deposit for my ds22 for his masters course she didn't then give the other 7 grandchildren £1000 too.

Why though? Why did your mum choose to single one dc out? Why is she rewarding him financially? She could just not bother. Your dc is choosing to do his masters and is bright enough to do so, and that’s a massive achievement in itself. So why has your mum chosen to give him money. Yes it’s expensive, but so is not having the same earring power. If each gc has reached their full academic potential than if she is keen to reward them financially then this would be the time? Why does she not reward hard work?

YABU. The issue is your self esteem here. Not your mum, or the money given to GC that go to uni

Again , it’s interesting reading but a lot of folk are deliberately missing my point .
It is not about the amount .
It’s about second generation feeling second best

Op, have you though about counselling? Sounds like we had similar up bringing and counselling was amazing. I was able to realise all the ‘not being quite god enough’ had done to my self worth and self esteem. It’s had really helped me bat away the feeling and comments

YANBU and your mother has been insensitive.

@WaltzfortheMars

mrpumblechook, tell me about how they have disadvantaged if they have SEN by grans giveng the £1000 or £500 regarding the paths they choose. You brought it up yourself about Sen.. I will make sure my ds with SEN doesn't suffer with any disadvantage with your advice.

Not sure what you mean. My point was that the children will probably be at a disadvantage in life if they are less academic and have SEN as they will have less opportunity to have a high earning job. I'm not saying that the grandparents need to do anything about that. However, they shouldn't be giving more to those who will probably already have more opportunity and advantages in life.

If you feel like academics are really important then did you help your children with extra academic support?

Or even try and retake your exams?

I feel like you allowed yourself to be a victim of poor performance and it looks like you may have repeated the cycle.

I'm not particularly academic and failed most of my GCSE's too. But I had determination and still went on to pass a degree and masters. It's all in the belief you have.

Don't let your personal issues impact your children. And you are being very unreasonable in this scenario

@Freddiefox at the time she said it was a loan so he saved up ( he is on a year out working ) to pay her back she then said keep it as he will need it when he goes back to uni. My mums other gc range from a 1 year old to an independent 27yr old with his own business there would have been no need at the time to have just handed out a £1000 to the others when they didn't need it.

So what is money is given to help with buying a house... does that mean those who rent will also want the equivalent.

This money from your mum is for a particular purpose... she is under no obligation to dish out money to ask the DC regardless.

There's nothing wrong with financially supporting in this way.

Do you have something like dyslexia, undiagnosed or otherwise? It can be common for things like this to be dismissed as not being academic or intelligent. The only kids I knew failing at school were ones who didn’t seem to care - it wasn’t cool to be clever. It seems strange you and your kids haven’t achieved while your sibling and their kids did extremely well. Unless there were different schools or you were treated differently early on.

You're being very unfair to your generous mother. Why shouldn't she reward her grandchildren for their achievements -and, as others have pointed out, it's money for living expenses, not like she's starting them out in life with a sports car.
It's none of your business, no matter what you feel about it.

@ShastaBeast

Do you have something like dyslexia, undiagnosed or otherwise? It can be common for things like this to be dismissed as not being academic or intelligent. The only kids I knew failing at school were ones who didn’t seem to care - it wasn’t cool to be clever. It seems strange you and your kids haven’t achieved while your sibling and their kids did extremely well. Unless there were different schools or you were treated differently early on.

This was my first thought.

Also, how much money are we talking?
If your sister, then her kids, are receiving £50k assistance to qualify in degrees which will lead to good income, whilst you and yours recieve £500 spending money then work minimum wage for life - I can absolutely see how that would breed resentment.

If the support is similar there is no issue, but them you wouldn't be complaning here if that was the case.

At minimum, you/your kids should recieve the same in order to put a deposit on a house etc etc.

I can understand why you're feeling how you are BUT I don't think you're appreciating how financially straining being at uni is for most students.

I lived on 8p noodles for 4 years just so I could afford rent, books and cheap nights out at student bars.

Maybe your Mum understands this? Does/Did your child who received the £500 live at home? If so their food and bills are covered by you.

I'm sure the feelings of inadequacy aren't nice but it does sound like you Mum is just being considerate to her GC's needs.

@lboogy

I feel like you allowed yourself to be a victim of poor performance and it looks like you may have repeated the cycle.

Absolutely 💯 agree with you.

I'm not particularly academic and failed most of my GCSE's too. But I had determination and still went on to pass a degree and masters. It's all in the belief you have.

Well done..similar to me. I retook GCSEs and did much better second time around.
Then studied to postgraduate level.

Dsis studied law and my parents paid for her Legal Practice Course... should I be whinging because I didn't get the equivalent in cash ... she needed the help and got it. Why should it be an issue.

I believe achievements of any kind deserve a reward and attaining results to go to university is worth recognition. Your mum is being kind and you need to ensure you don't come across as jealous here.

My DPs have helped the GC financially in different ways over the years...it doesn't have to be equal...in fact once and SIL was out of work...I approached my parents and asked if they could help SIL with money for her DD who was going to University.... as she was struggling but would never have asked and I knew my parents would want to assist.

I didn't need the same help when my DD was going..... so I have no issue with the sand amount not being given.

None of the kids know what the other cousins get in my family...unless they get it at the same time and we're given the money on the same day. which has happened when 2 went to uni the she year.

If you give this kind of assistance regardless...it really makes the achievement seen like nothing... and that's not how life works.

Example.... though not exactly the same situation....Performance related pay is exactly that... if everyone got it... it would mean nothing... and those at the top of their game performing highly would become demotivated if those doing the bare minimum fot the same.

I saw a mention of you wanting to do social work... they have social work apprenticeships now that may to becoming a qualified social worker.