AIBU to loathe MIL even more?

[AaarghMIL]

MIL and I are no-contact but she lives very close by and DH and DC see her every week and all is well with their relationship (she's just not keen on me and after 20 years I had enough of her rudeness and stopped contacting her - DH is fine about it but won't take sides of course, and I don't bad mouth her to the DC as that's not fair)

Anyway, she apparently set up a WhatsApp group for her and her other family members and added DH and DC (16 and 18) to it, and sent the usual trivial shite. To my knowledge no one had an actual conversation on there. My kids don't use WhatsApp at all really so weren't very engaged.

This evening I've seen an email from her to my 16 yr old (his email account is set up on my phone too, which we all agreed to) - he was obviously tidying his phone and deleted the family WA chat so she emailed to ask why and was very nasty to him, I think. When he replied saying he didn't even realise there was a group chat and he doesn't use WA, she sent another email!

They usually get on well. I can't interfere but have asked DH to gently find out if all is ok; I can do without an unhappy child right now

This is what she used to do to me all the time. Blow hot and cold and never in front of anyone else who was listening. Always accusing me of wrecking her family etc etc.

Emails are attached. Thanks for letting me rant anonymously

She's a nutjob, but frankly you sound s bit scared of your son. He does realise it is totally unacceptable to 'lash out' at you (whatever that entails) because Granny has been mean, right?

I remember dealing with this with my DM before she knew how to work technology so it was face to face unpleasantness or over the phone. Went NC for a bit when she had a long lasting sulk told children she was ill. They must have overheard me speaking of it because when she forgave us all youngest DS said are you better granny, mummy said you had been sick in the head.

Seriously tell your DS that she is not an easy woman that you have gone NC for this reason and he should ignore her rants, feel free to block her e mails, etc. he is now old enough for this conversation.

Your MiL's messages are so similar to an ex-friend of mine. I had to cut her out as I couldn't take being an emotional punch bag any longer. She herrangued me for months to not vote for a particular political party, and misinterpreted when I said I was decluttering my home to think I was having a dig at her home. I hadn't been in it for years and was only ever genuinely complementary when she sent pics. She ramped up immediately after I told her my grandad had passed away.

She also shared her thoughts about her adult grandchildren (child grandchildren were safe) and, with hindsight, I managed to piece together how she always had one in her bad books. It was like a merry-go-round, when one was flavour of the month everything she had ever disliked about them was forgotten, or should I say transferred onto the next victim.

A totally crap situation OP. I wish I knew the name for it. I think just keep on as you are with it. Sounds like you're doing a grand job.

I'd tell my son "Granny's a bit of a mad old bat, isn't she?". I'd try not to make a HUGE thing about it, just tell him he has nothing to feel bad/guilty about and that he's free to have the level of communication with her that he is comfortable with, including none.

Does he know that she's sent you similar emails and that you've gone NC with her? It may be time to explain it to him in a calm-and non emotional way so he knows 'it's not him, it's her'.

As far as her, I wouldn't contact her. It would just add fuel to the fire of her-selfrightiousness.

I would just let him know that this is why you no longer have anything to do with her and that its ok for him not to either.

I'm totally with @AcrossthePond55 - don't make a big deal out of it. 'Granny has a style of communication I don't like, that's why I don't have much contact with her. You are allowed to be unhappy about this, that's absolutely fine, you can join or not join any WhatsApp chats that you like. We will always support you to set your own boundaries. Do you want me to do anything about this or do you want to chalk it up to experience and ignore it?'

She is utterly batshit though.

On another note, how come he doesn’t use wattsapp? Everyone I know does or does he just stick with texts?

My 16 yr old doesn't use it either

Your husband had best be outraged by this disgusting email. What a total viper this woman is.

What a psycho bitch!!!

@AcrossthePond55

I'd tell my son "Granny's a bit of a mad old bat, isn't she?". I'd try not to make a HUGE thing about it, just tell him he has nothing to feel bad/guilty about and that he's free to have the level of communication with her that he is comfortable with, including none.

Does he know that she's sent you similar emails and that you've gone NC with her? It may be time to explain it to him in a calm-and non emotional way so he knows 'it's not him, it's her'.

As far as her, I wouldn't contact her. It would just add fuel to the fire of her-selfrightiousness.

This is great advice.

Awful. Not actually worth responding to. Personality disorder or just horrible?

She seems very manipulative, attention seeking and narcissistic. Shame on her for talking to him like that. Making him feel guilty for something so small. To top it off made him like he was a bad son so had to put that rubbish in about being grateful for all his dad has done. He should talk to her at the bare minimum. She is toxic.

@VeniceQueen2004

She's a nutjob, but frankly you sound s bit scared of your son. He does realise it is totally unacceptable to 'lash out' at you (whatever that entails) because Granny has been mean, right?

I'd rather not go into my relationship with my son. He's had anger issues which we have worked through, but they've always been strictly within our immediate family so MIL has never been affected. I'm not scared of him, but I am able to predict better now how he might react to things.

@AcrossthePond55 I'm saying that, word for word! It's perfect, thank you

Oh no I wouldn't be having that. Why is she trying to make people feel sorry for her 'sorry I'm such a bore' I'd reply me to granny me too so if you don't mind I was quite enjoying not speaking to you. As you were. All the best. 😉

@SpillTheTeaa Lol! She once emailed me about how I'd done something dreadful (I hadn't), no one was talking to her so she had cancelled Christmas and she would just hide away on her own, and that she'd die, but "not soon enough for some people"

(3 days later she was at ours, tucking into the turkey!)

@Anordinarymum your point is noted and understood - but you surely don't think this message from an adult to her teenage son is acceptable ?

If she thinks it's acceptable to email a 16 yo with emotional shit/blackmail that's fucking off the scale. What a precious cry baby. I hope your DH doesn't take after her.

Personally I'd want to knock her into next week but that's my NW side coming out.

@oceanbreezy

WTF .... she’s crazy. Hope your children now realise how nasty she is.

On another note, how come he doesn’t use wattsapp? Everyone I know does or does he just stick with texts?

Most young people I know, including my two DC, use Facebook Messenger.

What an utter cow!!!

I’m not even joking when I ask you ... do we share a MIL? Mine is exactly like this, but my child is a baby.
I’ve learnt with my toxic MIL to ignore, any replies fuel a fire that I didn’t want to be involved in. I agree with the discussing with your son the level of contact is up to him, not her and to never be made to feel like he has to have a relationship with someone who he doesn’t want to, family or not.

Oh wow.

I've had to have words with MIL before as so, so interfering and undermining which makes us all miserable sometimes, but nothing to that extent - at least I hope she hasn't been doing that to my teen the same age, I'd go batshit myself if she had!
I'm least controversial person ever, but I have a 16 year old and if he got that from MIL I'd certainly be reacting.
When you leave a group chat, it says "Quaggars has left the chat" or whatever your name is, why the fuck has she taken it so personally?
Just not everyone wants to be in group chats, or turns off notifications so not constantly pinging.
He's 16! You say she's done it to you too before.
If it was me, I'd have to have a talk with him and say the e-mail had popped up in my inbox too so I;d seen it, and that it was OK to leave group chats, he'd done nothing wrong but you'd been on the receiving end of emails like that from her too and the best thing is to try and not get upset and just ignore them as you'd done nothing wrong, and that you know how he feels.

Ah, so the first one was her spitting dummy out/playing victim and second one was in response to him saying he didn't use whatsapp etc
Your DS has therefore sorted it himself - if he is anything like mine, the rebukes, self-pity and admonishment to appreciate his dad will have elicited eye rolls and put him off personal contact for life.
As it is, he appears to have appeased her and drawn a line under it - the pass agg you should have read my endless tat won't have gone amiss - but it's bog standard nagging from an 80 year old which he can and will choose to ignore and rise above as opposed to cause estrangement. His choice.

Most young people I know, including my two DC, use Facebook Messenger

Same

Blimey. Talk about emotional blackmail and dramatics. So immature. She can't have very much going on in her life. He should, if anything, just reply with 'ok. As you choose!'