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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to loathe MIL even more?

151 replies

AaarghMIL · 23/08/2020 20:38

MIL and I are no-contact but she lives very close by and DH and DC see her every week and all is well with their relationship (she's just not keen on me and after 20 years I had enough of her rudeness and stopped contacting her - DH is fine about it but won't take sides of course, and I don't bad mouth her to the DC as that's not fair)

Anyway, she apparently set up a WhatsApp group for her and her other family members and added DH and DC (16 and 18) to it, and sent the usual trivial shite. To my knowledge no one had an actual conversation on there. My kids don't use WhatsApp at all really so weren't very engaged.

This evening I've seen an email from her to my 16 yr old (his email account is set up on my phone too, which we all agreed to) - he was obviously tidying his phone and deleted the family WA chat so she emailed to ask why and was very nasty to him, I think. When he replied saying he didn't even realise there was a group chat and he doesn't use WA, she sent another email!

They usually get on well. I can't interfere but have asked DH to gently find out if all is ok; I can do without an unhappy child right now Confused

This is what she used to do to me all the time. Blow hot and cold and never in front of anyone else who was listening. Always accusing me of wrecking her family etc etc.

Emails are attached. Thanks for letting me rant anonymously

AIBU to loathe MIL even more?
AIBU to loathe MIL even more?
OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 23/08/2020 21:07

Has your DH read then yet? What has he said?

Happynow001 · 23/08/2020 21:14

OMG What an absolute cow (sorry to cows!!).

This is a nasty way for her to communicate with anyone, let alone her grandchild. He may forgive her but is unlikely to forget. More fool her if she ruins her relationship with him if she continues in this foolish way in the future - her loss.

Your DH should definitely see that message - I wonder if she knew you could see your son's messages or thought he was an easy target? 🌹

Iwonder08 · 23/08/2020 21:17

What an awful woman. Has your DH seen the emails? I hope he will tell his dear mother how inappropriate she is.
Either way I would definitely mention to your son that his granny has a general tendency for this unreasonable reactions and it is the reason you don't talk anymore. Don't go into details, but he must know it is not just him

MsTSwift · 23/08/2020 21:19

I will never complain about my mil again. Who the hell does she think she is? The Queen of Sheba? Why would a teen who doesn’t use WhatsApp be interested in the crap circulated by an elderly person? How tone deaf can you get?

Original poster
AaarghMIL · 23/08/2020 21:22

@Anordinarymum I absolutely don't tar every mother with the same brush! My mum is amazing with all of us and, as you say, sometimes ends up in the middle, but still manages not to be rude and dismissive to her grandchildren!!

My MIL is just a toxic woman. She has treated her step-DIL the same, and her nephew's wife. No woman is good enough for the males in her family. She has no friends either. But she is all DH has and he will do anything for a quiet life and not rock the boat. Trust me, we've been over this many times! I'll ask him tomorrow what he's doing about it.

OP posts:
winterisstillcoming · 23/08/2020 21:23

Forward to your husband. Tell DS that you are on his side 💯

Anordinarymum · 23/08/2020 21:26

[quote AaarghMIL]@Anordinarymum I absolutely don't tar every mother with the same brush! My mum is amazing with all of us and, as you say, sometimes ends up in the middle, but still manages not to be rude and dismissive to her grandchildren!!

My MIL is just a toxic woman. She has treated her step-DIL the same, and her nephew's wife. No woman is good enough for the males in her family. She has no friends either. But she is all DH has and he will do anything for a quiet life and not rock the boat. Trust me, we've been over this many times! I'll ask him tomorrow what he's doing about it.[/quote]
I hear you and fully sympathise. I didn't consciously mean to derail your thread but I just get sick of the bandwagon jumpers who trash mothers in law. Sometimes we can't do right for doing wrong because offspring need someone to blame :)

Original poster
AaarghMIL · 23/08/2020 21:26

@MsTSwift

I will never complain about my mil again. Who the hell does she think she is? The Queen of Sheba? Why would a teen who doesn’t use WhatsApp be interested in the crap circulated by an elderly person? How tone deaf can you get?
Exactly!! Oh but she's so modern and hip (and 80) with her iPad and smartphone. He uses Insta almost exclusively, sms to reply to me and emails when he absolutely has to. She's out of her mind thinking he'd enjoy her jokes (also she's a big Boris fan....Hmm)
OP posts:
sarahC40 · 23/08/2020 21:26

What a cow! at times I had to pretend my grandmother was someone rude that I’d just met to deflect the stuff that she came out with, usually when I was buying her lunch. However, she could be funny and kind - what has this grandmother bought to the relationship? What she wrote there was v hurtful and I hope that your dh will lay out just how unacceptable this was, very directly when he defends your son. Was the statement about appreciating what his father has done for him a passive aggressive dig at you, or was it a general comment about appreciating your elders, in spite of how crap they are?

DishingOutDone · 23/08/2020 21:26

I can't interfere but have asked DH to gently find out if all is ok

Why? its not ok is it, your son has been targeted by this bitch poor boy. Grandparents are supposed to give a fuck.

she is all DH has - so he doesn't have a 16 year old son and wife? This is ridiculous OP he's enabling her and you are enabling him. Step up and protect your son. Your DH has allowed this to go on. Get annoyed, make a big deal, because it is Sad

aShinyNewUsername · 23/08/2020 21:27

Blooming hell she sounds like a right nut case!!

M0mmzee · 23/08/2020 21:28

I would agree with your idea to talk to your son and let him know he doesn’t have to have a relationship with her if it affects his mental health. If he is quiet as you say, it could have a very detrimental effect.
My SIL is like this with her son’s partner and tries to pit the grandchildren against their Mum. It’s awful and I have nothing but admiration for the Mum. She handles it very well but it must be so draining. You have my sympathy.

MsTSwift · 23/08/2020 21:28

Before I get jumped on for being unfair to the elderly to my 14 year old is anyone over 30 is and she would have zero interest in what they share!

dappledsunshine · 23/08/2020 21:30

What a nasty message! She sounds dreadful, I hope your ds is ok ☹️

bananaskinsnomnom · 23/08/2020 21:32

God my great aunt was like this. So rude and toxic. That message sounds so familiar. You have my sympathy op. Life’s too short for this.

I e always been so thankful that my grandparents, for one thing got on great with each other and second there was never anything like this.

16 is still a child and I would stick up for him. If someone doesn’t use an app, you find another way to communicate with them. Simple. She was out of order, and that message is rude and emotionally manipulative. I can’t imagine speaking to family like that.

I would confront her and get your husband to too! Would he be willing to? I don’t get why some people just never get called out for their behaviour. Horrible situation for you OP, I hope you find a resolve.

PrayingandHoping · 23/08/2020 21:33

Your DH has YOU and his kids. He shouldn't allow that woman to behave this way! To you or now just kids. He needs to stand up to her on your behalf like her should have done 20 years ago.... allowing his mum to be rude to his wife? And he did nothing?!!

Wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't just tell u to delete it, not show your son and he'll mutter something meaningless to his mum....

Original poster
AaarghMIL · 23/08/2020 21:42

My son has read it, he has his own phone email account (I just have it on my phone too)
I've emailed DH telling him straight that she needs to apologise and that I will talk to DS about it when I see him. If it causes a row, tough. I'm now fuming! And lots of pp have spoken sense so thank you

OP posts:
Nolooker · 23/08/2020 21:42

Wow. You’re DH needs to be on your side with this one . She is one crazy bitch.

PrayingandHoping · 23/08/2020 21:45

And what is your DH reaction to this?

ErinBrockovich · 23/08/2020 21:56

“I hope you enjoy your new life”
What a nasty thing to say to a 16 year old.
He’s better off without that in his “new” life.

ChristmasCarcass · 23/08/2020 22:09

"I hope you enjoy your new life"

Is it too much to hope that the problem has solved itself and she's cut off contact? Or is she just passively-aggressively waiting for him to apologise for the heinous sin of deleting an app he doesn't use?

DM has occasional drama-llama episodes, and I do just tend to take her at her word now and stop responding until she comes back and apologises.

Giraffey1 · 23/08/2020 22:09

That’s a very unpleasant way for anyone to speak to anyone else, never mind a grandparent to a grandchild.

Your H may not want to rock the boat or whatever but he should be standing up for his son not pandering to his rather unpleasantly behaved mother.

Perhaps you should show him this thread? You should certainly show him the texts and ask him what he is going to do about it. Inaction is not an option.

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 23/08/2020 22:10

She is totally mental. Nuts.

oceanbreezy · 23/08/2020 22:10

WTF .... she’s crazy. Hope your children now realise how nasty she is.

On another note, how come he doesn’t use wattsapp? Everyone I know does or does he just stick with texts?

PasstheBucket89 · 23/08/2020 22:17

Deary me that poor lad, she sounds awful, i really hope your DH has words, that is not ok!!!

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