AIBU to loathe MIL even more?

[AaarghMIL]

MIL and I are no-contact but she lives very close by and DH and DC see her every week and all is well with their relationship (she's just not keen on me and after 20 years I had enough of her rudeness and stopped contacting her - DH is fine about it but won't take sides of course, and I don't bad mouth her to the DC as that's not fair)

Anyway, she apparently set up a WhatsApp group for her and her other family members and added DH and DC (16 and 18) to it, and sent the usual trivial shite. To my knowledge no one had an actual conversation on there. My kids don't use WhatsApp at all really so weren't very engaged.

This evening I've seen an email from her to my 16 yr old (his email account is set up on my phone too, which we all agreed to) - he was obviously tidying his phone and deleted the family WA chat so she emailed to ask why and was very nasty to him, I think. When he replied saying he didn't even realise there was a group chat and he doesn't use WA, she sent another email!

They usually get on well. I can't interfere but have asked DH to gently find out if all is ok; I can do without an unhappy child right now

This is what she used to do to me all the time. Blow hot and cold and never in front of anyone else who was listening. Always accusing me of wrecking her family etc etc.

Emails are attached. Thanks for letting me rant anonymously

[Orchidsindoors]

"On another note, how come he doesn’t use wattsapp? Everyone I know does or does he just stick with texts?*"

My kids dont use WhatsApp because they turn their 3g off to save data, so if need to message them and I know they are out, I use text and so do they. Most kids use snapchat with their friends, and woukdnt be seen dead on fb, which in their opinion is for middle aged women.

[HorsePellets]

At 16 I absolutely would expect to be dealing with that kind of blow up from a grandparent to a child. I wouldn’t expect to deal with it it if came from a friend, because the boundaries and expectations are different. But 100% I wouldn’t be leaving that to my child to sort. That would be a a “don’t worry about it, I’ll sort it” conversation.

[Orchidsindoors]

Think I'd be forwarding this back to her and saying "Hello xxxx, this is xxxx. I was shocked to see this email from you to my child (we share an inbox). I was astounded by your response and your tone to what is in effect, a 16 year old child, who you know to be quiet and shy. Xxx deleted this group from his phone in good faith, as this is not something he has used nor intended to use and he routinely deletes and clears his phone regularly. No hurt was intended. It is not unreasonable to understand that teenagers dont always want to correspond with adults in this way. Your message to him however was completely out of order and is nothing more than manipulative and nasty. I will leave it in his court as to whether he wishes to correspond with you again . Xx

[CorvusPurpureus]

I suspect MIL is desperately hoping you'll stick your oar in so she can spark up a lovely 3 generational fight!

I'd definitely go with the 'honestly, granny, what is she like, the silly old drama llama' with ds, & then stay well out of it.

[Aweebawbee]

By the time boomers get to grips with one form of communication, the younger generation has moved on to the next one. It's understandable, because they need their own forum and don't want to be available to, or overseen by parents and grandparents 24/7.

Before mobile phones (yes, I'm that old) teenagers could walk out of the front door and be out of reach for the entire day. I feel really sorry for kids that are growing up with constant monitoring and interference.

Oh, and my DCs don't use whatsapp either.

[justilou1]

He’s 16, not 6 - he’s probably got a good idea what she’s like. He’s probably overheard his mum and dad “having a conversation” about her once or twice before anyway. He has his own issues and probably has no interest whatsoever in getting dragged through any more. THIS is where MIL is totally out of line. She is creating issues where there were none, simply because she wants attention and thrives on bloody drama. She doesn’t consider the fallout. In this case, she has upset her DGS with an inappropriate and completely disproportionate dummy spit/guilt trip simply because he chose to delete an app on his phone he didn’t use. She is immature at best, dangerous at worst - depending on the state of mind of DGS at the time of receiving her ridiculous word salad of “Poor me - Pay me attention!”

[mbosnz]

'Oh dear, Gran's spitting the dummy again. I'm sure I don't need to tell you not to get sucked into the dramas, do I, son? It only encourages her!'

[ConquestEmpireHungerPlague]

None of the kids use WhatsApp anymore. Mine use Discord, Telegram, Signal, Slack, etc.

And yy, OP's husband is part of the problem here tbh. Men who don't want to upset anyone but achieve that at the expense of regularly upsetting their wife need to rethink their priorities imo.

[C8H10N4O2]

By the time boomers get to grips with one form of communication, the younger generation has moved on to the next one

I think the OP said MiL was 80 upthread but who cares about facts when flinging casual ageism around?

The behaviour is nothing to do with her age, its just nasty and manipulative. No age (or other) group has the monopoly on that behaviour.

[Venicelover]

I am in the 'much ado about nothing' camp.

At 80 Granny is feeling her mortality and acting the martyr.

The chat was probably her way of communicating when she felt isolated during the lockdown and she felt a bit slighted that he hadn't engaged much with it and then deleted it. Her comments were stroppy and sad, but honestly, imo they don't warrant a fuss.

If you don't make a big deal out of it he will not think twice about it again. Mention it in passing and then let it go.

[AcrossthePond55]

@C8H10N4O2

By the time boomers get to grips with one form of communication, the younger generation has moved on to the next one

I think the OP said MiL was 80 upthread but who cares about facts when flinging casual ageism around?

The behaviour is nothing to do with her age, its just nasty and manipulative. No age (or other) group has the monopoly on that behaviour.

Quite.

On the same thread where my advice is considered to be rational and useful, I'm also insulted and it's intimated that I'm past my 'expire by' date.

[AaarghMIL]

Well DH has been to see the old bat and said something (he won't go into detail) and she's emailed DS to apologise. Well, sort of. It's more than I've ever had, anyway! I haven't seen him yet but we've got a half hour car journey together tomorrow so I will mention something but not make a drama out of it.

[AaarghMIL]

Could I also just say for the record that I never ever use boomer as a slurdescriptor. For a start it's bloody insulting to the over 75s who were born during the war and whose childhoods were marked by possibly absent/killed fathers/uncles, possible evacuation, food rationing and the terror of air raids.

Secondly, most actual baby boomers (ie 60-70 year olds) I know feel pretty guilty about being a "golden" generation and wish things were better today with regards to jobs and housing in particular. And lots of them are women who've been shafted by the pension age changes.

Lots of people try to keep abreast of technology and fail, regardless of age. My mum in her 80s does skype, zoom, word processing, email, sms and google brilliantly. My 46 yr old colleague doesn't know how to turn a photo round on her phone, and my 30yr old boss doesn't understand Twitter. It's not an age thing, it's a mindset and lifestyle thing in my opinion. Please don't tar everyone with the same brush!

[honeygirlz]

Well hopefully she's not getting an Xmas invite this year?

[StoneofDestiny]

OP - your last analysis is spot on!

[mamaoffourdc]

Can I ask why you check your 16 year olds emails?

[AaarghMIL]

@mamaoffourdc if we're both happy with the current arrangement (and we are), does it matter? Like I said, not all 16 yr olds are the same. You do you and I'll do me 👍

[Sometimes123]

Omg my blood ran cold when I read this. Poor lad! And what a strange, twisted little horror story your MIL is! Estrangement from family members who misuse their position and behave badly is no longer a taboo. Remind your DS that patience and tolerance is a virtue, but if he continues to be subjected to this kind of negative, deliberately passive aggressive communication, remind him gently that he has choices.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

OP congratulations you must have raised very well mannered and respectful children.A few 16 year olds i know would have in no uncertain terms told granny where to go!!! The woman is insane...

[ChristmasCarcass]

That is the most shit non-apology I have ever seen, OP. No regret whatsoever, just a sulky “I’ve been told off so I’m apologising under duress, it must be a generational thing because I still think I’m completely in the right”.

[nc600]

"A few 16 year olds i know would have in no uncertain terms told granny where to go!!!"

Really?! I don't think it's unusual to be polite to your grandparents is it?

[Bagelsandbrie]

My mum was exactly like this. She died in 2019 and I honestly just feel relief. She controlled and manipulated me her whole life.

Don’t reply. Don’t engage. Just ignore. She wants a rise out of you. Cut contact as much as you can and don’t give her the satisfaction of her thinking she means anything to you all at all.

[billy1966]

Horrible messages to your son.
Best indeed to dismiss her nastiness as the ramblings of a cranky person.

Your husband is responsible having allowed her to treat you like shit for 20 years.
She knows no different.
She's never been told differently.

Nice that he had a word with her about his son, but she can treat his wife however she likes.

Your life sounds very tough.
Nasty MIL
Weak, selfish husband.
Son who uses you as an emotional punching bag for his rages.

Mind yourself.

[LioneIRichTea]

If you are all brave enough DS could just reply

OK Boomer


Only OP said she was 80 so too old to be a boomer 😁

[AaarghMIL]

Had a chat with DS who admits he felt pretty cross by her emails and was glad that I asked DH to intervene because he didn't feel comfortable bringing it up with DH (thought he'd be on MIL's side). He is pleased it's sorted out anyway.

I explained that now he understands why I don't see MIL, and that I would always back him 100% in that type of situation. Also that he is allowed to not see someone if he doesn't feel happy in their company. And that I am very proud of him for not rising to the bait and either being rude to granny or kicking off with his parents. He's a child that responds very well to praise and feeling like he's done something right for a change (we try hard not to chastise unnecessarily but he has a very negative view of himself and his abilities)

So we're in a happy place, and I think it's given DH a bit of a jolt that actually his mum really has no filter or boundaries and that it's affecting his kids, not just me (and him - he also gets a lot of PA grief from her but lets it wash over him, which is good for him but not for everyone else!)

I know it's a snapshot of my life that doesn't look great, but in reality I am perfectly content and am definitely not a doormat! I have my own faults and DH and I both have quite a bit to deal with from other angles and we're pretty solid on most stuff. His mum is his Achilles heel in a way.
Thank you everyone who's been supportive on here