To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

I think in your circumstances you have every right to be hurt but it is different to OP as her friend is usually the one doing the leaving out.

I am sensitive to feeling left out so can understand your friend’s hurt but think she is mad to say anything.

But the friend does the same thing.

I suspect it's her dh sticking his oar in and stirring her feelings that has caused this issue.

@ivegotdreadfulpmttoday but that's a completely different situation. It's not one person being left out, we ALL meet the others individually, including her (probably more than anyone).

Well the others replied to my message last night with variations of 'yep, when is good for everyone' etc and she has responded at 6 am this morning with 'Am I invited this time?'. 🙄 I'm not playing that game so have responded to all with 'Sunday afternoon ok with everyone?'. I can't be arsed with this.

Sorry, this is probably deathly dull to everyone now.

I would suggest you only meet her again in a group setting.

I would avoid 1 on 1 with her like the plague.

She is trying to cause unnecessary drama.

Don't get caught up in it.

I would think she has shown you all exactly who she is.

OP you do what you need to do ... enjoy your Sunday coffee 🌺

There’s only one appropriate reply to that OP:

“Oh no you’re not. Sorry, thought you would have left the group by now.”

She’s a dick
I hope she doesn’t ruin Sunday for you all

I think all of you should say to her that you understand her concerns, so you will no longer have one to ones with her, as that wouldn’t be fair to the others. Then just watch her tiny brain panic.

Well the others replied to my message last night with variations of 'yep, when is good for everyone' etc and she has responded at 6 am this morning with 'Am I invited this time?'. 🙄 I'm not playing that game so have responded to all with 'Sunday afternoon ok with everyone?' I can't be arsed with this.

Queen of not so passive aggressive! I couldn’t help but remind her she’s going on holiday with one of the group and the rest of you aren’t invited and all the times she’s done exactly the same. Has nobody called her out on this yet?

“Of course you are! And I’m invited to your holiday in X with Y, right?”

@Gurtcha

There’s only one appropriate reply to that OP:

“Oh no you’re not. Sorry, thought you would have left the group by now.”

oh I bet this is tempting! Though friend D sounds like she will say it for you all!

She’s acting like a spoilt brat! What a bloody drama queen! No wonder I don’t have a huge group of friends, this would totally exhaust me and all over nothing!

She must know she is been utterly ridiculous which is why she’s probably got #bekindwanker dh on board to make her feel less like a dick!

I think you need to pen her a poem! There are some great poets on here (I’m not one of them)!

Think you are handling this very well. Super breezy and totally ignoring any attempts at drama is the way to go!

In the style of 3 in the bed...

There were 5 in the group
And the shielded one said
A coffee, a coffee
But to only 1 of the 5 in the group
Don’t get stroppy, get stroppy
But stroppy she got and was pissed off with the lot
Made them all feel bad, their friendship this does blot
There were 4 in the group......

Sorry, it’s raining, I’m furloughed, with far too much time on my hands

Does she feel particularly close you either you or the friend you meet up with. Is it jealousy from that perspective.

I do think you, or someone, needs to have a proper discussion about her double standards. This can be done calmly.

she has responded at 6 am this morning with 'Am I invited this time?'. 🙄 I'm not playing that game so have responded to all with 'Sunday afternoon ok with everyone?'.

Well played, OP. Do not feed the drama. She'll either get over it eventually, or she'll have a big strop.

I think the way you've handled her latest attention-seeking bit of nonsense is absolutely right, OP. Keep up with your determination not to get sucked into her drama, much the way you would with a toddler who has discovered that shouting Bad Words at family parties gets him attention.

My fingers are itching to message 'don't be so bloody ridiculous' but I won't. A date, place and time have been arranged to it remains to be seen if she's in touch before then or turns up on Sunday!

How will you (all) handle it if she's afire with injustice and looking for sympathy for her Unwarranted Exclusion on Sunday?

I wouldn’t bother responding. Just let her make a dick of herself at the get together. I’d say the other friend you mentioned, will put her in her place.

Yabu not to have mentioned taking a red carpet for her arrival...

Oh she will turn up!! Trying to be all breezy (I hate that expression but I cant think of another ) and waill make sure you are all these before she makes her entrance.

She will try to keep "above" everyone and not totally join in, then after 20 mins explode as no-one is taking much notice of her, and you are all being so unfair middle aged Violet Elizabeth Bott! Oh to be a fly on the wall

*will
*there