To think that's it's perfectly fine to go for a coffee with a friend without inviting others?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

There are 5 of us in a friendship group, we've all known each other over ten years and have a lot of fun together. Occasional weekends away, meals out etc. Sometimes we'll meet up for a coffee somewhere when it's all of us, sometimes a couple of us/them will meet up etc. All good as far as I'm concerned.

One of the women messaged me yesterday to ask if I fancied a coffee at a new tea room where they have a big garden, so no issue with social distancing etc. Lovely. We went - spend two hours there and had a nice chat, I haven't seen her for months because of CoVID.

I sent a message to one of the others last night and got a reply saying she's seen my car outside the place as she was passing. I said 'yes, I met ** for a catch up, it was nice in there if you fancy it some time'. Her reply was 'well I would have fancied it today but I wasn't invited'. I thought she was joking initially but no, she's sent a message on group chat saying that she doesn't think it's kind to leave other people out and can we agree that we should all at least have an invitation to such things next time. The other women are all ??? and also initially thought she was kidding, particularly as out of all of us, she is the one most likely to arrange something without the others - which is absolutely fine - no one has an issue with that. She does like to know what everyone is up to and finds it strange if people don't tag themselves in on FB etc (something I never do).

I just can't be arsed with it. We're all in our early 50s and just find this all so ridiculous. I can't be bothered with this schoolkid stuff and neither, it seems, can the others as they've all said the same thing. One has also reminded her of when she asked her and one of the others to go on holiday and that she's going away for the weekend with one of them at Christmas (also fine) and that's gone down like a lead balloon and now she's not talking to any of us. I also don't want her to feel shit because I genuinely really like her! AIBU to think that it's perfectly fine, and normal, for friends not to do every single little thing together??

They are both being ridiculous and need to grow up.

In your shoes OP, I would make sure that her behaviour does not affect how you and your friends interact from now on and I would be very clear about it (draw a line in the sand). Her/their behaviour is quite manipulative. Your group may feel a bit awkward meeting up for a 1 to 1 from now on or always invite her so she's not left out. Don't let her get her own way by trying not to be hurtful or being polite. I am not saying be horrible, be as kind as you can, but just be crystal clear. Be clear and carry on!

I hate this kind of drama

in other words she can do it herself. but needs to have her nose in all the other meetings. You are not joined at the hip for goodness sake she needs to get over herself.

Of course YANBU! You can meet up with anyone or invite all... how strange! You might have something to discuss with one anyway (shared hobby, advice, whatever). She sounds a bit insecure I think I'd ignore.

Just message her back saying:

X we are all in our 50's not our teens. We are all entitled to go and have coffee with whomever we like so no, everyone in the group will not always have an invite.
That's life.

She's a control freak and desperately insecure.

Ok well I've had to message everyone tonight anyway because I arranged tickets for an event that's been cancelled today so I've refunded the money back to all of them. I've put the kind of message on that I would always put in these circumstances and finished it off with a 'anyone fancy a socially distanced meet up at ??? next week?'.

So she'll either ignore it, apologise for being a knob or carry on as though nothing's happened. I'm a leeeetle nervous that if she plays silly buggers our other friend will literally let her have it with both barrels. You know how most people have different kinds of friends? Well I'm the people pleaser (sadly), moody friend is the 'I just say it as it is' type, C is the flaky one, D is the nicest person in the world and D is the normally calm, rational one that will literally go off like a rocket if someone really pisses her off enough. She ain't best pleased at the moment tbh.

Since I was one of the people expressing a bit of qualified sympathy for your friend at the start, OP, I thought you'd like to know that I am very much over that now and into the realm of "wtf"

finished it off with a 'anyone fancy a socially distanced meet up at ??? next week?'.

Sounds like the best way to move forward. She doesn’t need to lose face, and if she doesn’t respond, she’s an idiot!

YANBU

If you were talking about a bloke instead of a female friend 99% would be saying red flags, ditch, run a mile etc...

You have done nothing wrong, it is her problem and hers alone!

I wouldn't say a word more about it.

Both she and her husband have made enormous tits of themselves.

I'd be mortified for them both.

I'd also be very wary of them.😬

As advised I would carry on as normal with individual arrangements as they suit you...

I really wouldn't be anxious to be involved with someone so juvenile and controlling.

Life is too short.

YANBU, OP.

Tell her she’s not 10 years old (I see this shit from my daughter’s friends!) and to get a life ffs

She sounds very childish. She is being unreasonable.

If I was passing by and saw my friends car somewhere and was up for a chat I’d probably stop and see if they wanted to join me for a coffee. Why not do that instead of running home and crying like a baby. I’m sure if she had popped in she wouldn’t have been unwelcome

I think the post that @WeAllHaveWings made on Sunday at 10:48 would be perfect for your friend to reply to the DH that decided to stick his oar in.
If your stroppy friend goes off on one when you're giving back the money for the cancelled event, then I'd just stay silent and let the others have their say. You didn't do anything wrong by the way. The friend you went and had coffee with didn't do anything wrong. It just sounds quite juvenile to be honest and the only way to deal with this is to ignore her behaviour.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM

I am almost 50, and the idea of being in a "friendship group" makes me feel ill.

Even my 16 yr old DD has moved on from "friendship groups".

This seems odd to me. How does this work? So a few people get to know each other in a particular setting - say work, or college - and enjoy each others company. But when there is any attempt to meet as a group you refuse and insist it's one-to-one or nothing at all, grandly stating 'friendship groups make me feel ill'? I have a couple of friendship groups that bring me a lot of joy, fair enough if it's a friendship group that doesn't work, but many do and are wonderful. I'm trying to imagine what 'moving on' from them would look like or indeed why that would be mature or desirable. I sort of imagine someone grandly standing up at a BBQ and declaring 'I'm moving on' before flouncing out burger still in hand, while a group of perfectly lovely people who have all been having a right laugh fall silent and stare after them in total bemusement.

@wingsandstrings 🤣🤣🤣

She hasn't seen the message yet. Or rather she hasn't opened it yet although she's been on WhatsApp.

I have a family member like this. It's exhausting, and controlling. I put up with it because other family members (children) would get hurt if I didn't. I couldn't be doing with it from a friend. You did nothing wrong!!

However, what infuriated her the most was his #BeKind at the end of his message

Oh my goodness... what a dickhead.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Also at the moment you'd be breaking the guidelines as you're not meant to meet any more than 1 household indoors (in england). Not the point I know. She sounds like a barrel of laughs

Def meeting one to one and not always in a group. Maybe she's got stuff going on but then again haven't we all. Perhaps organise a group meeting soon and text her individually to say you like/ love to see her there? She sounds insecure

Menopausal?

She's avoiding the group chat..

You’ve done nothing wrong, but perhaps you’re moody friend is having a difficult time and could have done with the time.... so she’s overthinking. Unfortunately her dh has made the situation worse. Give it time and it will blow over. If not she needs a reality check? If she thinks she is the ‘central’ friend and it all must rotate around her then it’s a bigger issue, and again she needs a reality check. Good luck op, it’s not easy

Her dh messaged? How mortifying

I'd have to message back with #KindlyFuckOff

I am in a group of friends and there is one woman who makes a habit of meeting up with people individually (except me). I do feel hurt that she appears to value my friendship less than the others but I would never say anything. I am sensitive to feeling left out so can understand your friend’s hurt but think she is mad to say anything.