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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

627 replies

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 17:53

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

OP posts:
pollylocketpickedapocket · 22/08/2020 21:05

@alexdgr8

i don't think the child was rude. she was simply stating her feelings and experience and supporting her friend adam. the woman was rather childish to make such a comment to a child. but she was within her rights too. you cannot pull her up on it. the child has to learn that this is life, some people are not very pleasant. we just avoid them and spend time with those who we enjoy being with. the child was confirmed in her estimation of this woman. she can be commended on her wise perception, ie keeping away from cold fuzzies type people places situations. well done.
I agree.
Ijustreallywantacat · 22/08/2020 21:08

She's 7. She didn't deliberately say it in front of the adult.
Since when did we not bother to make any allowances for someone making a mistake when they are 7?
The adult's reaction says far more about her than the 7-year-old's error does about the 7-year-old

I'm absolutely certain that it was not deliberate. I know it was a mistake. I'm sure that Lily is an otherwise pleasant child.

But as we have already established, Jack's mum is quite highly strung and unforgiving of children's mistakes. What Lily has learned is that actions have consequences, and that people will not always act pleasant to you, when you say unpleasant things. You can't control other people, or their behaviour. I think we have a difference of opinion in that i don't think Jack's mum's response was a big deal.

I know exactly what my mum would have said if I were Lily. She would have said 'be careful about talking loudly about others in the garden then!'. When I was screeching 'I don't like you!' at her as a child, she said 'I don't like you right now either!' That illicited tears, then led me to realise I should watch what I say.

Minimumstandard · 22/08/2020 21:11

Jack's mum sounds like a piece of work. Not a house I'd like my child to visit given the mum doesn't appear able to interact appropriately with other children. I don't understand why Adam's mum is upset about the lack of reciprocal playdates. In this situation, I'd rather grit my teeth and keep on providing snacks and drinks to Jack (assuming my child enjoyed playing with him) than have my child in a house where they're not really welcome. Agree with other pp - poor Jack!

Ijustreallywantacat · 22/08/2020 21:12

Also, I don't believe 'she didn't do it deliberately ' is a good excuse for poor behaviour. There are lots of things I have done to unintentionally hurt someone. Ranging from accidentally hitting someone playing netball, to saying something in the wrong way and causing offence. I think an absolutely CRITICAL lesson is to take responsibility for yourself, whether you mean it or not.

squanderedcore · 22/08/2020 21:16

It’s awful to see so many adults gleefully thrilled about an adult “giving it back” to a child and calling a child names

I agree. I can't believe posters on here are saying they would retort in the same way, whatever tone is used!

It's vile behaviour towards a child to retort in kind like that. An adult should be able to behave with more restraint and a modicum of kindness.

There is a certain type of personality (we had a dinner lady like this at school) who was almost triumphant when a child dropped something, or said the wrong thing, and she positively relished putting them straight in a very humiliating manner. How sad a life you must lead if you enjoy putting down children like that!

Jack's mum could have stuck her head over the fence and said "I heard what you said Lily and I apologise for being unfriendly the other day, we were very busy as it happens" That way, Lily learns her lesson and the neighbours are on better terms than before.

How on earth do we expect children to behave decently when adults set such a poor example?

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 21:20

@Ijustreallywantacat

Also, I don't believe 'she didn't do it deliberately ' is a good excuse for poor behaviour. There are lots of things I have done to unintentionally hurt someone. Ranging from accidentally hitting someone playing netball, to saying something in the wrong way and causing offence. I think an absolutely CRITICAL lesson is to take responsibility for yourself, whether you mean it or not.
No-one has said it's fine for her to go around slagging people off when they can hear.

She's 7. Her friend mentioned Jack's parents and she said she didn't find them friendly.

Taking responsibility for herself doesn't mean that Jack's mother's reaction was any less childish. If it was another 7-year-old then stamping their foot and saying "I don't like you either" would be understandable, but an adult? It's pathetic.

Lily's comment was accidentally overheard. Jack's Mum was deliberately nasty to a child. Massive difference.

ILoveFood87 · 22/08/2020 21:22

I agree with jacks mum tbh

amillionwishes · 22/08/2020 21:22

Well Lily is a very good judge of character.

ivfdreaming · 22/08/2020 21:22

At 7 she's old enough to know better

And certainly too young to have an opinion on whether another child's parents are likeable or not

To be honest it's the sort of reply I've heard thrown back in jest lots of times between adults and children - your daughter just feels bad because she knows she shouldn't have said it and has been caught out

Minimumstandard · 22/08/2020 21:26

And certainly too young to have an opinion on whether another child's parents are likeable or not

Hmm. Are you saying that Lily isn't allowed to think for herself or make her own judgements because she's 7? This just gets worse and worse.

amillionwishes · 22/08/2020 21:27

@ivfdreaming I think a child, who has no preconceived ideas about a person by how they pretend to behave, is actually quite qualified to think someone isn't very friendly. Her point was proven.

She didn't say it to the woman's face. Let's not demonise kids for having an opinion on people.

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 21:28

@ivfdreaming

At 7 she's old enough to know better

And certainly too young to have an opinion on whether another child's parents are likeable or not

To be honest it's the sort of reply I've heard thrown back in jest lots of times between adults and children - your daughter just feels bad because she knows she shouldn't have said it and has been caught out

What nonsense. She's old enough to have a child's opinion on adults she's met.

She didn't say "Jack's parents are horrible, nobody should like them". She said she didn't like them much and reasoned why she didn't like them.

queenofknives · 22/08/2020 21:30

And certainly too young to have an opinion on whether another child's parents are likeable or not

Some people on this thread need a remedial course of Roald Dahl books STAT.

When are children allowed to start having opinions, then? What age? And how should we deal with children who RUDELY INSIST on having them without your permission?

amillionwishes · 22/08/2020 21:31

And actually, how many abused children are ignored, belittled and told they're wrong because they "don't like" and adult but can't quite articulate why.

I'm not saying Lily is being abused but put this in another context... "I don't like uncle Billy, he's not kind" because uncle Billy is abusing the child but yet the child is "rude" and should know their place. Jesus wept.

Purpledaisychain · 22/08/2020 21:35

Lily must have had a reason for saying this about Jack's mum in the first place and if Adam's mum doesn't particularly like her either then there is a good chance that she is an unpleasant person. Lily didn't knowingly say it in the woman's hearing. Technically, Jack's mum was eavesdropping.

YgritteSnow · 22/08/2020 21:36

Some of the opinions on here are those of toxic and damaging parents and they don't even realise it.

daisypond · 22/08/2020 21:43

I am shocked by some of the responses on here. Jack’s mum clearly behaved badly. Anyone backing her needs to take a look at themselves. Their viewpoints are skewed and they can’t see their viciousness.

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/08/2020 21:44

Natural consequence, lesson learned. I doubt she will do it again.x

PurpleFlower1983 · 22/08/2020 21:44

The x was a typo, sorry!

AllNaturalIngredients · 22/08/2020 21:47

To be fair, Lilly didn’t say it deliberately to hurt someone. It was unfortunate that it was overheard and if Jack’s mum hadn’t have retaliated I would have said Lilly should apologise. To say it Lilly is a brat is not fair, who can honestly say they haven’t said something about someone before.

Had I have been Jack’s mum I wouldn’t have let on I heard it, I’d be mortified. She sounds rough.

I would leave it and move on.

queenofknives · 22/08/2020 21:49

I doubt she will do it again Do what? What do you think she did and what lesson did she learn? She was literally having a conversation with her friend. Is that wrong? Does she need to learn that she's not allowed to do that? Should she never speak to her friends again? What do you mean??????

I'm so completely baffled by some people on here. Don't you have friends? Don't you ever dislike anyone? Or do you just think children should be seen and not heard?

WhoWants2Know · 22/08/2020 21:49

Given the background, it sounds a lot like Adam and Lily were talking through a situation that has been discussed in front of them by the parents.

Kids aren't stupid. They'll have been aware of the parents falling out and how that impacts on their play dates.

And if Adam's mum was present, could she not have headed off the conversation when Adam mentioned never being allowed to Jack's house? Or maybe looked around to see if anyone was listening?

daisypond · 22/08/2020 21:53

@PurpleFlower1983

Natural consequence, lesson learned. I doubt she will do it again.x
Do what again? Who are you talking about? What lesson is learned?
user1471510836 · 22/08/2020 21:54

Some of the opinions on here are those of toxic and damaging parents and they don't even realise it.

Agree with this YgritteSnow

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 21:55

@PurpleFlower1983

Natural consequence, lesson learned. I doubt she will do it again.x
There would be nothing to be celebrated if a little girl felt unable to share her feelings and opinions with anyone.

Hopefully learn that that she needs to be more careful when having a conversation outside, and in actual fact that she was right about Jack's Mum.

But girls feeling like they can't, or shouldn't, express their discomfort around adults is not a good thing. Not ever.