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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

627 replies

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 17:53

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

OP posts:
HauntedPencil · 22/08/2020 20:44

I wouldn't have a word, I'd just not let her go the house, and avoid her like the plague.

Rosebel · 22/08/2020 20:45

Unless Jack's mum is also 7 she is unreasonable. I can't believe people are blaming a 7 year old.
Perhaps Jack's mum needs to work on not being such a cow and then people might like her more.
No way I'd get Lily to apologise either. Sounds like she was just being honest.

smallestleaf · 22/08/2020 20:46

It is utter bullshit that people on this thread are saying that it is “rude” to say that you don’t like a person because you find them unfriendly

This totally sums up the issue in a impressively concise way.

JaneJack23 · 22/08/2020 20:48

I'd stay out of it. I can't stand rude little kids and I'd be tempted to say something like that too.. I don't think I actually would though.

queenofknives · 22/08/2020 20:49

So say I think you are rude and obnoxious, I would rather tell you that first before I told anyone else (if there was a reason to), because if it got back to you via a third party, you'd already know, so no big surprise and nobody is in an uncomfortable position.

It's none of my business what other people think of me or say about me. I don't care. If you came and said that to my face, I might well be upset. It would no doubt cause a problem between us. If you say it to your partner, friend, post it on mumsnet and get people to vote on it, that's your prerogative and it's none of my business. I'd rather not know. People are way too controlling and paranoid. Better to just assume that not everyone is going to like you and not worry about it.

You're still missing the point that we're talking about a child. And she didn't say anything like as unpleasant as what you said to me, only expressed her opinion that Jack's parents aren't very friendly. So do you think she should learn that she isn't allowed to have that opinion unless she is willing to go and face down the big scary grown up and say it to her face? That doesn't make any sense to me at all.

Porcupineinwaiting · 22/08/2020 20:49

Is it rude to say you dont really like someone beause they are not very friendly? I mean obviously its unfortunate that she was overheard but it is just stating an opinion. Children are allowed not to like adults.

fsklgf · 22/08/2020 20:49

Even as an adult I would see no issue with me saying to a friend "I don't like that person, they're not very friendly" (or for whatever reason, actually). Doesn't mean I'd say it to the person's face. There's a big difference.

The kid's only mistake was doing it when the person could hear them. But hey, 7 year olds make mistakes, don't they.

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 20:51

@PhilCornwall1

That's a stupid rule that can only end up causing all sorts of unnecessary arguments and hurt feelings.

Well that's just your opinion.

So say I think you are rude and obnoxious, I would rather tell you that first before I told anyone else (if there was a reason to), because if it got back to you via a third party, you'd already know, so no big surprise and nobody is in an uncomfortable position.

What kind of friends and family do you have that you can't say "Jeez sometimes my neighbour/colleague/friend is rude" without it getting back to them?
fsklgf · 22/08/2020 20:51

Is it rude to say you dont really like someone beause they are not very friendly?

Nope. I bet most people have at some point among friends said that they don't like someone.

fsklgf · 22/08/2020 20:51

Just a couple of days ago I told me husband that our neighbour (who was blasting music at midnight again) is a dick and I hate him. Was I rude? Aren't I allowed to say that?

PhilCornwall1 · 22/08/2020 20:52

@smallestleaf

It is utter bullshit that people on this thread are saying that it is “rude” to say that you don’t like a person because you find them unfriendly

This totally sums up the issue in a impressively concise way.

But this is MN land where you must like everyone, everyone must like you and everyone must sacrifice everything for the greater good.

Then there is the real world.....

It's entertainment though.

Imissmoominmama · 22/08/2020 20:53

Jack’s mum could’ve shown that she’d heard by shouting something like, that’s a shame because we think you’re great.

A missed opportunity to show she isn’t unfriendly there!

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 20:54

@Porcupineinwaiting

Is it rude to say you dont really like someone beause they are not very friendly? I mean obviously its unfortunate that she was overheard but it is just stating an opinion. Children are allowed not to like adults.
It's not remotely rude at all. It was a simple opinion that she prefers playing in Adam's house to Jack's house because Jack's parents aren't that friendly.

There's loads of threads on here about not liking going to a friend's house because their partner isn't very friendly or doesn't like house guests. The fact that Lily is a child is making people think she should have no negative opinions of an adult, which is just nonsense.

PhilCornwall1 · 22/08/2020 20:55

You're still missing the point that we're talking about a child. And she didn't say anything like as unpleasant as what you said to me, only expressed her opinion that Jack's parents aren't very friendly.

I missed no point, as I had posted my thoughts way before you picked up on a comment I posted.

And I didn't say anything unpleasant to you, I was putting over a scenario, I have no idea what you are like, so have no opinion on you.

BoomBoomsCousin · 22/08/2020 20:56

The neighbours were rude but it seems clear that they aren’t very social people. There doesn’t seem to be anything to be gained from having a word with them. If anything I would expect that to just antagonise them.

I think Lily’s parents should support their daughter by explaining to her that it’s alright for not everyone to like you. That she basically already knew it (she’d said they weren’t very friendly) and life will go on just fine despite the neighbours over hearing her and being rude back. Teach her to concentrate on being civil when she sees them but not let their opinion of her bother her (this an important lesson for a child, particularly a girl, to learn imo). Maybe practice with her how to shrug and walk away if they do say anything to her. Or to say “I’m sorry/it’s a shame you feel that way” if she gets rejected by Jack or his parents next time she talks to them.

7 is young for this, but it’s better than being taught to be emotionally fragile over it or to always censor her words (because, let’s face it, that becomes thoughts if you can never express them) just in case.

Ijustreallywantacat · 22/08/2020 20:56

So do you think she should learn that she isn't allowed to have that opinion unless she is willing to go and face down the big scary grown up and say it to her face?

She should learn to keep those opinions to herself if the big scary grown up can hear her! Which, hopefully now she has. Jack's mum didn't call her names, or swear. She simply repeated what had been said and let Lily know that she had been heard. Natural consequence.

Besides, If you really want to raise the child to believe that it's ok to talk negatively, about others within earshot, then you need to teach them that people will react accordingly.

PegasusReturns · 22/08/2020 20:57

This makes me rage!

Lily wasn’t rude.

She wouldn’t have been rude if she was an adult. She’s entitled to her opinion and entitled to express it honestly and openly in private (which she believed she was).

Girls (particularly) need to be told it’s ok to speak up, to share their opinions and not hide the fact that people are not friendly.

Jacks mum sounds like a bitch and a bully.

YummyInMyTummy · 22/08/2020 20:58

Jack’s mum sounds awful. I don’t think lily was being a rude brat. I feel sorry for her. I wouldn’t bother having a word with Jack’s mum though, I don’t think it would achieve anything.

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 20:58

@Ijustreallywantacat

So do you think she should learn that she isn't allowed to have that opinion unless she is willing to go and face down the big scary grown up and say it to her face?

She should learn to keep those opinions to herself if the big scary grown up can hear her! Which, hopefully now she has. Jack's mum didn't call her names, or swear. She simply repeated what had been said and let Lily know that she had been heard. Natural consequence.

Besides, If you really want to raise the child to believe that it's ok to talk negatively, about others within earshot, then you need to teach them that people will react accordingly.

She's 7. She didn't deliberately say it in front of the adult.

Since when did we not bother to make any allowances for someone making a mistake when they are 7?

The adult's reaction says far more about her than the 7-year-old's error does about the 7-year-old

Girlking · 22/08/2020 20:59

What small leaf said

queenofknives · 22/08/2020 21:00

You've lost me now, PhilCornwall. My question was in response to you expressing your life rule that you should never say anything about someone that you wouldn't say to their face. I asked if you think that a seven year old girl should therefore not be allowed to express an opinion on an adult unless she was prepared to go and say that to the adult in person? Your answer...?

mcmooberry · 22/08/2020 21:00

What is rude is being a total CF and letting your children go to neighbours' houses on a daily basis during the holidays for years and years where they are fed and watered, and not reciprocate. The woman sounds awful.

dwiz8 · 22/08/2020 21:00

No the mother shouldn't have a word

Lily has learnt how bad it feels to have nasty comments aimed at you

katy1213 · 22/08/2020 21:02

Sounds like fair comment. Tnere's lots of kids I don't like!

Imissmoominmama · 22/08/2020 21:04

Does anyone else feel really sorry for Jack?

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