Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

[Elsiebear90]

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

Playground feuds (between adults) start when silly adults behave like silly children, and they should be treated as such by the teachers, if they behave so idiotically as to come to the school's attention.

I'm sorry I don't think Lily was rude and I am very strict regarding manners. If she said she was ugly or smelt that is rude but not liking someone because they are not friendly is not rude, sounds like Lily is a pretty good judge of character!

Perhaps you should talk to some teachers about how playground feud's start over something far simpler.
And bitch here has been used as a verb.

I do know from experience usually the mediator in such things.

Since you mention playground feuds in this, does that mean you agree that Jack’s mum acted like a child then?

Doesn’t matter that it was used as a verb, still used about a 7 year old CHILD.

As other posters glaringly pointed out, the child simply said that she didn’t like Jack’s mum because of her personal experience with said mum, who had been unfriendly to her. She wasn’t doing it out of malice nor was there any intention. She said one statement and that was it. She didn’t go on about everything she disliked about the woman. She also didn’t bring it up out of thin air. Adam said something about wanting to play with Jack, but couldn’t go to Jack’s house and Lilly only reassured him it was ok and gave him a reason why like most children would do or even adults for a friend who may not get what they want.

It would have been different if Lilly brought it up on her own or was looking around for Jack’s mum before she said it, but she wasn’t. She was simply a child expressing an opinion from her personal experience with a friend while trying to reassure them.

It's unbelievable that people can talk about small children this way. It's disturbing

It is, but not surprising, especially when it comes to girls. Notice how Adam bringing up Jack’s house and how they’re not allowed over there leading to her expressing this view is ignored. I bet if it was Adam saying this, he’d gotten off way lighter than Lilly has.

How many posters would be using bitching about a boy?

And bitch here has been used as a verb.

Exactly. And you'll be pleased to know I didn't adopt my two until they were already objectionable teenagers!

There is, however, a massive difference between empowering girls to stand up for themselves and being an unpleasant child. I think that the message some people give that children are always right and should never be corrected when they are being rude is just storing up problems for when they are older.

How many posters would be using bitching about a boy?

I would and I have. Only this morning I told my 17 year off for bitching about his as,tiredly deeply unpleasant and bitchy grandmother.

Lesson learnt.
Lily will be more careful what she says and when in future.

There is, however, a massive difference between empowering girls to stand up for themselves and being an unpleasant child. I think that the message some people give that children are always right and should never be corrected when they are being rude is just storing up problems for when they are older.

I absolutely agree with that, what I disagree with is that Lilly was rude or unpleasant in what she did.

Rude would have been her intentionally going up to Jack’s mum the moment she saw her and telling her that she thought she was unfriendly.

If you want to call the child rude, why not say that Jack’s mum was being nosy or eavesdropping into a conversation she wasn’t a part of or asked to be in the first place if we really want to go down that route?

Genuine question for the people saying she was rude or “bitchy” (which I think is a terrible word to describe the actions of a small child), are your kids never allowed to say they don’t like someone? Do you tell them off if they do?

Also, do you live by this rule yourself? If your husband said he wanted to visit a friend at his house and you didn’t like his wife (because she hasn’t been friendly to you in the past), would you be rude to tell him so? Should you just bite your tongue and pretend you like her despite her being unpleasant? Or is it only little girls that aren’t allowed to say they don’t like people?

All these idiots saying lily needs to learn a lesson and calling her despicable names. Lily has emerged the mature one in this scenario and it's Jack's mother who needs the lesson.

Lily has emerged the mature one in this scenario and it's Jack's mother who needs the lesson.

Oh gosh

The poor child is being vilified.

All she did was say to her friend that she didn't like the child's mum. We say to our friends. Oh saw so and so. God I can't stand her. It's not rude.

Now if she said it straight to the mum. That's slightly different

The mum shouldn't of reacted like that. Though all I would say is sadly the child (and mum!) will grow up with people not liking each other.

I don't think the mother should of said that. Being the adult. Because the child wasn't talking to her!

Genuine question for the people saying she was rude or “bitchy” (which I think is a terrible word to describe the actions of a small child), are your kids never allowed to say they don’t like someone? Do you tell them off if they do?

I don't think she was rude and agree re calling a little girl bitchy (!), BUT I do think that all that's happened is someone has overheard her saying she didn't like them so has said it back in return. That's surely only what could be expected to happen in any other context? For instance, if she was overheard saying the same thing at school by that person.

I appreciate the other person is an adult in this instance but it's not like she's gone wild and shouted at Lily.

Bearing in mind this woman is a nextdoor neighbour so had quite a high likelihood of hearing since they were outside her house, hopefully it's just given Lily a little shock and will teach her to be a little more careful about who could overhear her in future. It's a lesson everyone learns the hard way I think!

I do think that all that's happened is someone has overheard her saying she didn't like them so has said it back in return. That's surely only what could be expected to happen in any other context? For instance, if she was overheard saying the same thing at school by that person.

Yes Operative word being SCHOOL not ADULT. I'm finding this thread quite chilling.

I think it sounds as though lily was talking to her friend and expressing her feelings to that friend. Shouldn’t we all be able to do this freely with people we are close to? For our own mental health?
I don’t think she was being unkind. Had she said it to Jack, that would be a different matter and then “unkind”
Jack’s mother however, is out of order, if anyone should apologise it should be her. I’d be mortified if my children’s friends thought that about me!

@user1471510836

Wow.. using the word bitch to describe a 7 year old reassuring a friend and expressing her feelings that she finds someone unfriendly.

This thread keeps getting better and better.. 🙄

I can't believe these people are actually parents!

Tell me about it.

I think it sounds as though lily was talking to her friend and expressing her feelings to that friend. Shouldn’t we all be able to do this freely with people we are close to? For our own mental health?
There are no mental health benefits for a 7 year old announcing she doesn't like another child's mother.
I'm guessing if Lily was expressing her feelings about your child in the playground you wouldn't be quite so sanguine about it, and protective of her mental health?!

I think it sounds as though lily was talking to her friend and expressing her feelings to that friend. Shouldn’t we all be able to do this freely with people we are close to? For our own mental health?

Yes but equally you need to be aware of your surroundings, and even at 7 you need to learn that.

Ideally, the parent who was watching the kids should have shushed them when the conversation arose about Jack, knowing that they were literally right outside his house in the front garden! It's not like they were having this chat in the park and Jack's mum randomly happened to be within earshot.

@Thisismytimetoshine

I think it sounds as though lily was talking to her friend and expressing her feelings to that friend. Shouldn’t we all be able to do this freely with people we are close to? For our own mental health? There are no mental health benefits for a 7 year old announcing she doesn't like another child's mother. I'm guessing if Lily was expressing her feelings about your child in the playground you wouldn't be quite so sanguine about it, and protective of her mental health?!

She didn't "announce" it. Adam brought up not being allowed into Jack's house and Lily said she preferred his anyway and why. She wasn't sat there tearing Jack's mother to shreds just because she was in the mood for a bitching session.

Yes Operative word being SCHOOL not ADULT. I'm finding this thread quite chilling.

I don't see why. I'd get it if this woman had shouted and launched into a rant, but she didn't. Just because she is an adult doesn't mean that children get to say what they like about her with impunity. All she's done is give Lily a bit of a shock by letting her know she's overheard her comment.

Lily has just reaped the rewards of making a comment in an unwise place. She hasn't been told off or yelled at or purposely frightened, her tears were probably more out of embarrassment at having been overheard saying something not-so-nice about the person who heard her.

Also you never know the context, perhaps there is some history between Lily and Jack which explains why the other kids aren't allowed round his house to play, or perhaps the mother misheard and thought Lily had been talking about Jack rather than her....any number of things could have swayed this situation.

Good god a purposeful face to face retaliatory statement by an adult to a 7 year old saying they don’t like them being equated with Lily’s statement. I give up.
Lily was not rude.
And yes of a child in the playground is unfriendly or bullying or whatever of course a child can say that. In many cases must feel free and safe to say that !!

I just don't think it's a big deal, certainly not enough for Lily's mum to go round and speak to Jack's mum about it. What would she even say?!

If I were Lily's mum I'd just be wiping the tears away, telling her not to worry as not everybody gets along and wants to be friends, and reminding her to be a little careful of who's listening when she speaks as words can hurt feelings.

End of! It doesn't need to be a big deal.

The absolute glee some people are taking in an adult reducing a child to tears with a spiteful reply is saddening.

She's 7 ffs. She was having a private conversation with a friend (which he started) and because she's 7 she didn't realise that gardens aren't as private as they seem.

The current of thought that children should express when adults make them uncomfortable is downright worrying. Children should never be encouraged to keep that to themselves. The fact a 7 year old was overheard by the adult that made her uncomfortable is just an unfortunate accident. She should not be encouraged to see that as a lesson to never speak out.

The current of thought that children should express when adults make them uncomfortable is downright worrying

That should say "The current of thought that children shouldn't express when adults make them uncomfortable is downright worrying"

Now I'm wondering if some of the posters are uncomfortable thinking about their own unfriendly attitudes. Remember that thread where the OP made her child's friend and mum hang out in the driveway?