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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

627 replies

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 17:53

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 24/08/2020 09:23

It's not Lily's fault that Jack's mum is emotionally needy

HeronLanyon · 24/08/2020 09:28

I’m quite horrified at anyone saying Lily was rude for saying this - she wasn’t at all.
Obvs it was unfortunate jacks mum overheard it and that is the only ‘lesson’ lily might learn - to be a bit more careful and that things can be overheard by others who may then feel upset and react poorly.
If I heard that I’d be embarrassed and try to laugh it off as just a 7 year old who could find me unfriendly for all sorts of non troubling reasons. I’d also think about it a bit as jacks other friends may also feel this and I’d like to avoid them feeling this way.
What I wouldn’t dream of doing is say to a 7 year old who has not been rude and didn’t Say it for my ears that I don’t like her !!! Tit for tat - wise. I can’t get my head around that adult’s behaviour.
Good for lily for knowing why she didn’t want to go to jacks and it being for a good reason and being able to articulate it matter of factly (and not rudely at all).

YgritteSnow · 24/08/2020 09:30

we live in an age of computers, and this will be all over the area in days.
The children will all know about it, and it will be said that a child was rude behind someones back and they heard about it. There is no way to whitewash the facts

What a load of ridiculous hyperbole . No one would give a hoot where I live. Where do you live that this level of drama would sweep through the neighbourhood because of a comment from a 7 year old?

HeronLanyon · 24/08/2020 09:38

And again it would only be ‘all over the area in days’ if your area is full of ‘adults’ behaving disgracefully about a child who wasn’t rude in the first place !
They would in fact be committing various offences of this were to happen and lily were identifiable !

squanderedcore · 24/08/2020 10:05

Lily did this

No, if Jack's mum had been welcoming and friendly in the first place, Lily would have described her as such.

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2020 10:07

If you can't say something nice

Bambi.

Newmumatlast · 24/08/2020 10:11

@mummmy2017

A child made a remark. If it was not considered rude the the person who heard herself being talked about would not have commented back like she did. I think Jack's mum was shocked at how rude lily was to have voiced such a comment about her. The conversation between Jack and Lily's mums proves that fact. So what if the OP is trying to justify why, and paint Jack's mum as a bad person. Lily did this. Lily has cause sides to be taken , and Lily's mum has added fuel to the fire, this is not the Waltons, we live in an age of computers, and this will be all over the area in days. The children will all know about it, and it will be said that a child was rude behind someones back and they heard about it. There is no way to whitewash the facts.

Doubt people would care enough to spread it over the internet. Even if it were, any sensible recipient of the information would surely deduce that yes, Jack's mum is unfriendly.

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2020 10:12

Oh yeah, I'd love to see the police report.
Child is bad mouths a person, person over heard and answers back.
Child's mum talks to person.
Everyone finds out what child did.
Even if only the facts are reported I can assure you that the police would wet themselves laughing, in their staffroom.

Supermum29 · 24/08/2020 10:14

Probably in the minority here but I don’t think Lily was rude. She didn’t know the mother was there and probably wouldn’t have said what she did if she knew she was there. Kids have no filter and will say exactly how they feel. Good on here for being honest and saying she didn’t want to if she felt uncomfortable.

Personally I think the mother has proven Lily right in her assessment but I wouldn’t say anything to her. Her reaction towards a child gives a pretty good indication that an adult wouldn’t get an overly pleased response either. I’d leave there and tell Lily to stay away as she had been doing and to be mindful of what she says about others as if negative it doesn’t usually get a good response!

Newmumatlast · 24/08/2020 10:15

@S0upertrooper

When I was 7 our street went 'en mass' to the local swimming pool, the Dads would take it in turn to take the kids and the Mums stayed at home. I tried to explain to my DF that I didn't like one of the neighbours and didn't want to go with him but I was told not to be silly.

I didn't have the words to explain that the neighbour would very subtlety touch me inappropriately under the water and when I tried to get away he'd grab me back under the guise of play acting.

This was 45 years ago and granted we are probably more aware than my DPs were back then but I think we have to listen to what our kids tell us and i don't believe Lily was being rude or a brat.

I'd be asking her what the neighbours do that makes her feel they are unfriendly. We need to support our kids to listen to their gut feelings and believe them, not shout them down when they express an opinion. Is this not a form of gaslighting that is talked about constantly on MN?

I don't think Lily did anything wrong and I think the mum over the fence proved Lily's point.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is a good example though of why we shouldn't be encouraging children to suppress or feel guilty about their opinions. There is being rude and then there is just genuinely not liking a person. It has to be ok to not like someone else. To suggest otherwise is setting up a child for a potentially dangerous situation

queenofknives · 24/08/2020 10:17

Saw this and thought of this thread.

So sad to think mumsnet, of all places, is full of people like this. (So grateful to the people on this thread who actually like children.)

Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

mbosnz · 24/08/2020 10:18

If I saw any adult being so puerile on the local facebook page as to gossip about a chance remark overheard made by a child, and the eavesdropper going off on one about it, I'd be making a judgment about how empty the gossip's life must be, and how much weight to attach to their words. Good grief.

borntohula · 24/08/2020 10:23

Lily was not rude, parent wasn't even meant to hear her honest opinion.

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2020 10:25

You do know OP could resist gossipping about it to us!!!!!
And you think it isn't happening in real life, between the mums in the area.

Ski4130 · 24/08/2020 10:28

I’d say the 7 year old child stated her reasons really eloquently, she’s allowed to state why she’s not comfortable with another adult and it sounds like she did it without being rude. I really struggle with the idea that a child’s very reasoned answer to a question she was asked is dismissed as rude, or bratty, when she just vocalising her feelings. If she’d said ‘because they’re arseholes’ then yep, that’s rude, but saying ‘because they’re not friendly’ is a statement of her feelings, not at all rudely out. We need to be careful not to buy into the thinking that kids feelings and thoughts should be dismissed just because they’re not as politely put it thought out as an adults are.

The adult on the other hand does sound like an arsehole! I can see the temptation to retaliate if you hear something you don’t like about yourself, but seriously, why would you care enough about what a 7 year from down the road thinks to make them cry because of it?!

Newmumatlast · 24/08/2020 10:28

@queenofknives

Saw this and thought of this thread.

So sad to think mumsnet, of all places, is full of people like this. (So grateful to the people on this thread who actually like children.)

Agreed. FWIW if my child ever acted as Lily did I would be telling her that we should never say something about someone we are prepared to stand by if they hear/find out but otherwise it is absolutely fine to have an opinion and to voice it as she did. There is nothing in the OP to suggest she did so inappropriately. The response of the adult only serves to prove her point imo. I wouldn't have a word with the mum, I would just reassure my child that her opinion is her opinion and therefore valid. If the mum wanted to speak to me about it I would say the same. I am raising a girl who I want to be a confident and strong woman. I have experienced DV. I have experienced bullying. I have experienced a very misogynistic and patriarchal profession. I would be a terrible parent if I taught her to suppress her views or that her opinion has to fit within a hierarchy. Nope. She is a person just like us all

YgritteSnow · 24/08/2020 10:33

@mummmy2017

You do know OP could resist gossipping about it to us!!!!! And you think it isn't happening in real life, between the mums in the area.

I think this says a lot about you and the area you live in tbh. Just wouldn't happen here. No one would care. Do you live in a very small, insular area?

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2020 10:40

Are you denying that OP has and is gossipping about this child?
The child's mum told OP.
So she is gossipping about it too.
Jack's Mum will tell her friends.
The is something going on between Jack's Mum and Adam's Mum.
Bet Adam's Mum told her friends.
And so it spreads.

HeronLanyon · 24/08/2020 10:41

mummy2017 if a complaint were made by a parent that adults were identifying their 7 year old online and ridiculing or criticising her this is an offence. I’m at the criminal bar - I’ve done trials not disimilar to do with child protection.

TheMarzipanDildo · 24/08/2020 10:42

Let’s be honest, most this is a situation that most perfectly polite adults could find themselves in.

Yes, it’s not nice to talk about people behind their backs, but everyone does it.

YgritteSnow · 24/08/2020 10:44

@mummmy2017

Are you denying that OP has and is gossipping about this child? The child's mum told OP. So she is gossipping about it too. Jack's Mum will tell her friends. The is something going on between Jack's Mum and Adam's Mum. Bet Adam's Mum told her friends. And so it spreads.

I'm not denying anything. I'm trying to imagine the kind of place, and the people who live there, where a comment by a 7 year old would be breathlessly discussed by all the kids and their parents in the neighbourhood to the point of it even being disseminated by computer.

I don't actually see this thread as "gossiping" though, since we don't know the people involved.

mbosnz · 24/08/2020 10:48

When my kids were seven, if it had come up in at the school gates conversation, quite frankly we'd most probably be roaring with laughter, not righteously condemning the poor kid who got caught out saying something negative about the neighbour lurking behind the hedge! I doubt very much it would have though, by the time it got to the school gates it would have been superseded by something a bit more juicy. . .

mummmy2017 · 24/08/2020 10:50

HeronLanyon
I am truly shocked that you feel this.
And think the Nanny state is out of control.
Lily's mum should have kept her mouth shut after all she seems to be gossipping about her own child, which is why it has ended up on MN.

mbosnz · 24/08/2020 10:53

Oh yes, we'd also be roaring with laughter at the adults involved working themselves into such a froth about so little. . .

acatcalledjohn · 24/08/2020 11:02

@mummmy2017

HeronLanyon I am truly shocked that you feel this. And think the Nanny state is out of control. Lily's mum should have kept her mouth shut after all she seems to be gossipping about her own child, which is why it has ended up on MN.

You sound about 14. Nanny state? Nanny state is where we tell a 7YO that their opinion doesn't matter and accept adults being rude to children because they have personal issues.

If anyone represents the nanny state here it's Jack's mum. She sounds the professional victim.

If a child is not allowed to voice their opinion nicely, how on earth do they ever learn to stand up for themselves? There is a fine line between rude and factual opinion, and Lily was comfortably on the factual opinion side of that line.

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