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AIBU?

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Original poster

Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

627 replies

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 17:53

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

OP posts:
lakesidesummer · 23/08/2020 20:12

The only lesson Lily needs to learn is to check that her private conversations aren't being eavesdropped on.

The lesson the much older lady should have learned by now is not to listen in on other people's private conversations.

doityourselfnow · 23/08/2020 20:17

This reply has been deleted

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faithfulbird · 23/08/2020 20:18

@doityourselfnow have you got the wrong person? I think you have?

Ethelfleda · 23/08/2020 20:20

@lakesidesummer

The only lesson Lily needs to learn is to check that her private conversations aren't being eavesdropped on.

The lesson the much older lady should have learned by now is not to listen in on other people's private conversations.

I agree with this.

I don’t think Lily was wrong in expressing an opinion but she probably does need to be careful next time that nobody is listening. Perhaps the fact she feels the way she does is because she is mortified and so understands already that perhaps she should be a little more careful next time.

However, Jack’s mom should not have responded like that. SHE is an adult and there was no need for her to say what she did to Lily. So perhaps Lily is right - they aren’t nice people!!! In which case, should she really be castigated for saying so??

Ethelfleda · 23/08/2020 20:21

Kids need to understand their place in the hierarchy of life and unless something serious occurs their feelings are WAY down the pecking order in the adult world

WTAF Shock

doityourselfnow · 23/08/2020 20:29

I am so sorry @faithfulbird I absolutely did have the wrong person, please accept my apologies, I'd hate to be tagged to that.

It's @FelicisNox my words were aimed at.

Goosefoot · 23/08/2020 20:30

It might not have been the best thing for the mum to say, however, she may have meant it in a bit of a lighthearted way, as a mild correction.

I would not tell Lily that she was wrong though, in any case, that's not really the point from the child's perspective. I would ask her how she thought the mother felt when she heard what Lily said? If it is ok for Lily to not like people and say so, why is it wrong for someone else?

Goosefoot · 23/08/2020 20:32

@Goosefoot

It might not have been the best thing for the mum to say, however, she may have meant it in a bit of a lighthearted way, as a mild correction.

I would not tell Lily that she was wrong though, in any case, that's not really the point from the child's perspective. I would ask her how she thought the mother felt when she heard what Lily said? If it is ok for Lily to not like people and say so, why is it wrong for someone else?

And quoting myself, I'd add, this si something that might have happened in my family. They all have a rather dry sense of humour that can be quite disconcerting to outsiders. Kids in the family get used to it pretty early on, but kids from other families often have no experience of that kind of thing.
FontSnob · 23/08/2020 20:42

Why on earth are people saying that ‘lily’ was rude or shouldn’t have said her feelings or was being mean? Ridiculous, 7 year olds are allowed to voice their opinions and it sounds like she was right about them. No point in saying anything to them though.

Mary54 · 23/08/2020 20:44

I was talking to a psychologist a couple of weeks ago. She said there has been a huge rise in people being diagnosed with narcissism. In her opinion and that of her colleagues, this was to a large extent due to the modern tendency of parents to make their children feel that they are always the most important and that only their feelings matter.
We have people here suggesting that teaching a child to think before it says something negative to or about another person ( which could hurt that person’s feelings) is tantamount to laying it open to abuse in later life.
Sure, an adult should ideally have risen above it but it still doesn’t mean that it’s wrong for the child to learn that what they say has the power to hurt and cause problems. Regardless of whether they mean to do so or they are ‘only 7’. Because one day they will be 8, 9....19. And if they have not learnt to be considerate to others as children, they will not suddenly, magically become so simply because they’ve become adults.

Daphnise · 23/08/2020 20:46

It could be said it that it serves Lily right.

NotABridezillaToBe · 23/08/2020 20:47

If lily said it to the parents, it would be rude, to say it about them is fine as it wasn’t just randomly insulting them but explaining why she didn’t want to go there. I can see why she doesn’t like them, the mother sounds like a muppet. What a childish response.

YgritteSnow · 23/08/2020 20:51

@Daphnise

It could be said it that it serves Lily right.
Lily is seven.

Honestly am disgusted by some of the responses on her to a child.

moreginrequired · 23/08/2020 20:53

I feel very sorry for jack. And lily, some of the comments on here are completely unnecessary. Best give her a wide berth and let Adam and lily continue to play. That other family seem pretty miserable I wouldn’t like my kids around her..

Mondaymanic · 23/08/2020 21:05

What a witch lol the girl is only 7!! If that was my child I'd go round to Jack's mum and give off

HeronLanyon · 23/08/2020 21:15

Lily was not rude !

KarmaStar · 23/08/2020 21:40

Lily was not rude she was saying what she saw as a fact.
The adult was childish and wrong.
Sounds like you would be wasting your time talking to the woman plus it will blow the whole thing out of proportion.

sympatico1 · 23/08/2020 21:44

I don't think Lily was being rude either; she didn't make the comment to Jack's Mum (that would have been rude) she was explaining to someone else why she didn't want to play at Jack's house (and with good cause by the sound if it!). Jack's Mum was the one who was rude. If I overheard a child saying that they didn't want come to my house because I wasn't friendly, I would be mortified; even if I wasn't very keen on the child, I would be very upset that I had come across as unfriendly. Jack's Mum is the adult here and should not have spoken to Lily in that way. If I was Lily's Mum, I would explain that she should be careful when making comments about others and try to see the best in people.

Mary54 · 23/08/2020 21:54

‘If I overheard a child saying that they didn't want come to my house because I wasn't friendly, I would be mortified; even if I wasn't very keen on the child, I would be very upset that I had come across as unfriendly.‘

Exactly!! What the child said would have upset you. So why was the neighbor wrong to be upset?

SarahFrances89 · 23/08/2020 21:57

Lily is a child and nothing she said was rude or unkind - children don’t have to like everyone just as we don’t, and the reason for her not liking them is how they treat her, no comment on them as people. Jack’s mum sounds like a horrible woman and I’d absolutely be speaking to her while also explaining to Lily that sadly some people are unkind, and although Jack’s mum’s feelings might have been hurt that doesn’t excuse malice. Lily is allowed to express her feelings without being punished for them and she doesn’t have to like everyone; she wasn’t being unkind and shouldn’t feel she has to like everyone regardless of how they treat her, that’s a very dangerous lesson. I’m really sorry for how hurt Lily is - Jack’s mum has behaved atrociously and I can see why Adam’s mum and her don’t get on.

daisypond · 23/08/2020 22:07

Exactly!! What the child said would have upset you. So why was the neighbor wrong to be upset?

The neighbour isn’t wrong to be upset. She was wrong, very wrong, in the way she responded - not controlling her emotions, lashing out, overreacting, being deliberately spiteful and bullying.

meanjeanbean · 23/08/2020 22:12

It sounds to me like lily actually gave a fair & accurate assessment of Jack’s mum. Jack’s mum however behaved like a petulant child & seems to be a very insecure grown woman. Children just say what they see, lily wasn’t being rude she was simply expressing how she felt. Why is ok for adults to have feelings/emotions/opinions but not children? Good on Lily (and Jack’s mum sounds like a baby & should be called out as such)

Barney60 · 23/08/2020 22:19

I agree with some previous comments.
Mother obviously has no filter ,but maybe she has an illness and couldnt help herself. Aspergers or ADHD or similar.
I have a friend whos daughters husband is like this. Not making excuses for her, just saying theres a possibility, Could maybe explain why shes not very friendly.
Also hopefully Lily learnt a lesson too.

No i would not say anything to the neighbour.

sympatico1 · 23/08/2020 22:35

Mary54 as Daisypond has explained - yes the neighbour was upset to hear what Lily thought of her, but she shouldn't have responded in the way she did, she should have been ashamed of herself for coming across as unfriendly to a child, I know I would have been.

lyralalala · 23/08/2020 22:48

@Mary54

‘If I overheard a child saying that they didn't want come to my house because I wasn't friendly, I would be mortified; even if I wasn't very keen on the child, I would be very upset that I had come across as unfriendly.‘

Exactly!! What the child said would have upset you. So why was the neighbor wrong to be upset?

No-one has said she's wrong to be upset. She's wrong to have responded in a childish and spiteful way to a child