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Original poster

Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

627 replies

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 17:53

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

OP posts:
Boomclaps · 23/08/2020 10:12

@piscean10

this is a lesson for Lily to learn that if she says unkind things then there's a good chance that she's going to get the same in return. no I don't think your friend should have a word.
This
zingally · 23/08/2020 10:23

What Lily said was rude, but the mum should have had enough of a filter not to respond.

But I'd shrug it off, and say to Lily that now she knows that words can hurt people's feelings, and generally, if you say mean things about people, it gets back to them.

If Lily had been mine and reported this back to me, I'd have said, "that'll teach you to be rude."

Codexdivinchi · 23/08/2020 10:29

I hate it when adults think small children should learn harsh life lessons at such a young age. I think there is always an element of spite mixed in.

Lilly was actually just telling him how she felt. She was being honest. The mum was being immature and spiteful but there is zero point going round to have a word with some one this petty.

TOFO1965 · 23/08/2020 10:42

Little Lily was spot on, they aren't friendly. Tricky isn't it, the gap between truthful and insensitive. But she's seven, and an adult reacting to that is wholly immature, especially then to say " you started it". I'm sure Jack's mum feels very powerful now for putting a 7 year old in her place.

smallestleaf · 23/08/2020 10:44

If Lily had been mine and reported this back to me, I'd have said, "that'll teach you to be rude.

Your poor daughter, learning that she is not allowed to speak or set boundaries around people who treat her badly. Oh well, looks like the next generation are already been lined up to appear on the Relationships thread.

Original poster
Elsiebear90 · 23/08/2020 10:45

Thanks for your replies, my friend bumped into Jack’s mum this morning while walking her dog, said hello, but as per the advice on the thread wasn’t going to bring it up and had told Lily to be more careful when she’s talking about other people as it can get back to them, and that also in life sometimes we don’t like people and they don’t like us.

Anyway Jack’s mum actually brought it up by saying “I think I upset your Lily the other day” my friend said she felt a bit awkward and didn’t really know what to say so just said “Yes you did, she didn’t know you were there and she’s sorry that you heard what she said”. Jack’s mum then said she’s been under a lot of stress lately and the last thing she needs is to hear the neighbourhood kids “slagging her off and getting involved in an argument between her and Adam’s mum”. My friend then said that she’s sorry to hear that, but Lily wasn’t “slagging her off” as she’s 7, and that she’s allowed to have an opinion on someone, she just should have been more careful about voicing it. Jack’s mum became a bit hostile at this point and said that since all the kids clearly don’t like her because she’s so unfriendly they shouldn’t mind not going in her house, so now everyone will be happy, and walked off?!

OP posts:
Fanthorpe · 23/08/2020 10:47

If a seven year old says they don’t like a neighbour I’d be asking why, not punishing them. Don’t shut children down like that.

tigger001 · 23/08/2020 10:53

The mum does sound under a lot of stress as she explained. Her behaviour does seem unreasonable, I would just give her I wide berth and if you do bump into her again, just ask if she's ok.

I'm sure it will play out with the kids. Maybe all 3 can play in Adams garden if jacks mum has now decided no playtime in her house

Minimumstandard · 23/08/2020 10:57

Although I don't think Lily was in the wrong, I do think Lily's mum was wrong to put the boot in like that, especially after Jack's mum said she was stressed. She could have been a little more gracious about accepting what was a poor attempt at an apology. Saying that Lily has the right to think whatever she likes (which she does) was a little tactless for an adult.

Arsewell · 23/08/2020 11:04

I don't think Lily was being a rude brat at all. If she had realised Jack's mum was there, then yes, it would have been rude, but I honestly don't know a single child or indeed adult who hasn't said something less than complimentary about another person when they think they're out of earshot. Doesn't make them all rude brats. Perhaps it is a lesson for Lily to be more careful when talking about other people in future ... It wouldn't have been nice for Jack's mum to hear but given she shouted "you started it!" like she was a little kid herself (when Lily didn't intentionally "start" anything) I have little sympathy for her tbh.

smallestleaf · 23/08/2020 11:05

she’s been under a lot of stress lately and the last thing she needs is to hear the neighbourhood kids “slagging her off and getting involved in an argument between her and Adam’s mum”

That doesn't sound like an apology but a shifting of blame from her to a child.

I feel sorry for Jack here. He has a mum who seems not really in control of herself or her emotions, and whose behaviour is going to affect his ability to make friends.

Whatisthisfuckery · 23/08/2020 11:07

If I had been Jack’s mum in that situation I think I would have felt pretty shitty, but then I try to be a decent person to DC even if I can’t stand their parents.

It reminds me of a woman who used to live in the next street to us when I was a kid. She had three kids, all of whom we were friends with when we were younger. I was in the same class as her DS2 and I was stood talking to him on the pavement outside their house and the mother was sat on the doorstep as she frequently was. Her DS2 and I were just having a friendly chat, no agro whatsoever, and the mum piped up to me, apropos of absolutely nothing, ‘can’t you tell when you’re not wanted?’ I was 9. She was a horrible cow and everybody on the estate hated her.

Arsewell · 23/08/2020 11:10

"Pansy"

Christ, have we gone back in time?

acatcalledjohn · 23/08/2020 11:24

So basically PPs expect children like Lily to put up and shut up for fear of offending the adult? She simply stated why she didn't mind not being allowed to play in Jack's house. She didn't call them names, she didn't say anything otherwise horrible. A simply "I don't think they are that friendly."

Lily wasn't rude and if anything is a beautiful judge of character, as the rest of that scenario quite clearly demonstrates. "Don't cry, you started it." from an adult to a 7YO is awful.

redcarbluecar · 23/08/2020 11:27

Jack’s mum sounds horrible. Lily was indiscreet in what she said, but she’s 7, and it sounds as if she was right. I guess she needs a gentle word and some comfort.

Ideasplease322 · 23/08/2020 11:31

😂 jacks mum clearly has a lot of issues. I wouldn’t trust her to Be kind to children who come and play at her house, so I think this is actually A good outcome.

Everyone knows where everyone stands.

OuterSpaceGirl · 23/08/2020 11:33

Lily is a good judge of character.

acatcalledjohn · 23/08/2020 11:35

Jack’s mum then said she’s been under a lot of stress lately and the last thing she needs is to hear the neighbourhood kids “slagging her off and getting involved in an argument between her and Adam’s mum”. My friend then said that she’s sorry to hear that, but Lily wasn’t “slagging her off” as she’s 7, and that she’s allowed to have an opinion on someone, she just should have been more careful about voicing it. Jack’s mum became a bit hostile at this point and said that since all the kids clearly don’t like her because she’s so unfriendly they shouldn’t mind not going in her house, so now everyone will be happy, and walked off?!

She became hostile because she was told that the 7 year old hadn't slagged her off but has to be more careful about stating her opinion?

If anything that reaction solidifies Lily's character assessment.

WotsitWiggle · 23/08/2020 11:41

Having now read all the updates, I'd let Lily play with Adam, and if Jack and his siblings outstay their welcome at Lily or Adam's houses, then their parents should send them home.

I've had this, with neighbour's kids always coming to ours, expecting to stay for lunch or tea and it not being reciprocated. Learnt to say "not today, sorry " or "yes but only for an hour because we have plans today".

Which it sounds like Jack's mum was already doing. If she has 3 kids of her own, maybe adding another 1 or 2 did make the house too noisy.

smallestleaf · 23/08/2020 11:43

I wouldn’t trust her to Be kind to children who come and play at her house, so I think this is actually A good outcome

Poor Jack though! And if that is how his mum speaks to neighbours' kids due to her fragile ego and emotional state, imagine what poor Jack gets at home. If I were Adam's or Lily's mum I would be inviting Jack around to play just to keep an informal eye on him and give the poor kid some respite. His mum sounds like she needs some support too, but her behaviour keeps pushing people away.

Emeraldshamrock · 23/08/2020 11:53

had told Lily to be more careful when she’s talking about other people as it can get back to them, and that also in life sometimes we don’t like people and they don’t like us
My friend then said that she’s sorry to hear that, but Lily wasn’t “slagging her off” as she’s 7, and that she’s allowed to have an opinion on someone
I think your friend was wrong to make these points. She should be telling her DC not to talk about people or judge them as we never know what is happening in their life. I would tell my DC they were very rude and insist they apologise.
Allowing her to have an opinion on another adult as long as no one listens is a disaster she is 7.
Is her DM very opinionated?

daisypond · 23/08/2020 12:01

She should be telling her DC not to talk about people or judge them as we never know what is happening in their life. I would tell my DC they were very rude and insist they apologise.

That would be bad parenting. Lily did not judge anyone. She said they weren’t friendly. She made no judgement. It’s bad parenting to say to a child that their opinions are of no worth, have to be discounted and , worse, need to be apologised for. Nor did she talk about them. She gave a reason, when asked, why she couldn’t do something. She had no idea someone was listening, and therefore wasn’t rude. She probably wouldn’t have said what she did if she’d known the neighbour was listening. It’s OK not to like people, and to tell a child it’s not is damaging. To make Lily apologise is shocking.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 23/08/2020 12:05

The number of people suggesting that Lily apologize is astounding.

It's yet more calls for girls to 'be nice' and live with how other people treat them. No wonder so many women stay in abusive relationships.

Lily is 7 years old.
Lily was stating in a 7 year old's way how someone made her feel.
Lily wasn't being malicious; it was based on how it affected her, very matter of factly.
What Lily did isn't wrong. In fact, she sounds quite a good judge of character.

FFS.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 23/08/2020 12:06

And the most recent update really does confirm Lily's perception of this woman.

smallestleaf · 23/08/2020 12:15

It's yet more calls for girls to 'be nice' and live with how other people treat them. No wonder so many women stay in abusive relationships

Absolutely. Its appalling how many, presumably women, on this site are proudly announcing how they will effectively train their daughters to squash down their own feelings and opinions about someone who is unpleasant to them, out of concern for the unpleasant person's feelings. There's research showing how from a very young age girls are far more likely than boys to think they should put other people's feelings before their own. This thread is like a living case study of how girls are trained to think like this.