Son swearing because he was being mocked

[Tinythumbelina]

DS (14) replied to DP (his long term step parent) , at dinner table, 'Why don't you shut the bl*y hell up?' which got him sent to eat alone & his phone confiscated. He is borderline ASD, anxious, going through a teenage angry, lazy & rude phase, partly because he's totalky bored, we're in total lock down, (not in UK), no sport, no school, no friends, for months, just to put him in context. When I talked to him later, his reason for being angry was that he had been 'mocked' & he didn't like this. On reflection this was true. He had just said something, in normal conversation, can't remember what, & DP had repeated it in a droning/mimicking way, saying to him that's how he speaks. Hence his reply. She is angry with me (I haven't raised the 'mocking' - she would say that's an excuse) saying she is not supported & he is disrespectful to her. I'm thinking he is a teenager that doesn't need to be laughed at. Just needs to see what the opinion is before I accept he was out of order or address it with her. AIBU to feel upset & that my sons, feelings/response whilst inappropriate was understandable?

Not great of DP.

I’m with your son, you wouldn’t take that from a stranger on the street, he shouldn’t get it in his own home. While he probably didn’t word it correctly, he is still a teenager and within his rights to stick up for himself if he feels personally attacked. I wouldn’t be happy with a dp treating my son like this and I think words need to be had. Has she always treated him like this? Your son needs to know you’ll back him no matter what, he is your priority.

Would your DP like it if she was mocked / mimicked? Or is your son fair game because he's a teen? Bloody isn't the worst swear word he could have used either.

I would be telling my child the appropriate way to respond when feeling 'mocked'

Tbh who hadn't mimicked someone before, it's no excuse to speak like that tbh

Were you actually there when this happened?

Your 'D'P was bullying your DS. She had no right to that. I'm not surprised he disrespects her.

well why does your dp think its ok for her to mock him but not ok for him to stand up for himself.
I have a 14 year old, their hormones are all over the place, they can be angry, sad, lazy and grumpy, your dp is the adult ds is still just a child, you need to say that though you dont agree with what ds said she should not be mocking him, it is infuriating when someone mimics what you've said taking the piss out of you, and i doubt she'd do it to other people

DP sounds horrible.

Tell her outright that you won't put up with your son being mocked, you agree that his reaction was wrong and he's been spoken to about that but she needs to accept responsiblity for her frankly bitchy behaviour. Teach him ways to respond to her if she does this again.

Our home should be a safe space, it shouldn’t be where we learn that being ourselves leads to being mocked by someone who is supposed to be there for us.

Fair play to your DS. Maybe your DP needs to learn a bit of respect.

She’s disrespectful to him by the sound of it. She can’t then be too surprised if he turns around and tells her to shut up.

Sounds like your DP is being horrible tbh. I wouldn’t stand for her mocking your son when things are already so hard for him.

How do they get along usually?

YANBU. Your son comes first and your DP sounds like a bit of a prick, mocking a teenager they clearly know is anxious.

Who sent your DS to eat alone? I'd have sent the DP from the room to bugger off and have a think, not the child who was pissed off and hurt. And "bloody" is hardly swearing. Rude, yes, swearing, no.

I think your DS telling her to shut the bloody hell up was less than she deserved.

Stand up for your DS fgs.

Why did you only see your partner's nastiness "on reflection"? I wonder how much shit you've let go but your son had to swallow?

And what did you say to your dp? Were there any repercussions for her nasty behaviour?

Dp sound like a bit of a bully in this situation

Why is your DP angry and feeling unsupported? Your ds was sent to his room and had his phone confiscated, he’s clearly (Fairly or not) been punished for how he spoke to her. Are you going to address how she spoke to him? Mocking is really cruel and unfair in my opinion, and she shouldn’t get away with it just because she is the adult.

Wow that's horrible that she spoke to your son like that. I think he was very restrained. She should be told to grow the fuck up, what kind of adult mocks a child?

I think its understandable but it's also an opportunity to help him work on other ways of dealing with people being rude to him,which your DP was I think. The teenage stage is fraught with self doubt, insecurities and hormones making everything seem worse than it is. And like any humour, what one person sees as playful joking another might see it as mocking and cruel. This is something he will come across in his adult life so it will be a good life lesson on how to deal with it. I'd have a chat with your son and suggest ways he could have dealt with it better, "can you please not do that, I feel really embarrassed/humiliated/insert whatever feeling he describes, when you copy me like that" that would be a more appropriate response. However teenagers are not known for their level headed responses! To make some repair you could facilitate a conversation between the two where your DS recognises that his reaction wasnt very respectful and was rude but also why he did react.
As for your DP not feeling supported,I dont know enough to be able to say how to handle that. Do you regularly disagree on discipline/expectations on behaviour etc? If so, ye probably need to sit down and have a frank discussion on exactly what ye both expect from your DS and from each other. His possible ASD adds another layer to the situation and can mean tweaking parenting and discipline approaches which can be very difficult if both adults arent on the same page.
Some may disagree with me but I'm of the view that just because you are the parent doesnt mean you get a free pass,if this was a work situation and your DP spoke to her colleague like that, they would have every right to tell her to shove it but sometimes we expect our teenagers to never answer back which isn't healthy either. Ask yourselves if a classmate or friend was mocking him and he responded the same way would he receive the same punishment. I get that its important for children to respect the authority of parents and I'm not a believer of the "friend instead of parent" approach but we shouldn't expect children to be mocked and be ok with it.

Your son needs to know you’ll back him no matter what, he is your priority.

This ^

@StopGo

Your 'D'P was bullying your DS. She had no right to that. I'm not surprised he disrespects her.

This and to add, I hare people mocking my voice. My abusive ex used to do it. You need to talk to your dp

Also just to add I think the punishment is way over the top. And thinking more about it he shouldn't apologise either. If it was me I would have said the same thing