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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son swearing because he was being mocked

149 replies

Tinythumbelina · 22/08/2020 16:36

DS (14) replied to DP (his long term step parent) , at dinner table, 'Why don't you shut the bl*y hell up?' which got him sent to eat alone & his phone confiscated. He is borderline ASD, anxious, going through a teenage angry, lazy & rude phase, partly because he's totalky bored, we're in total lock down, (not in UK), no sport, no school, no friends, for months, just to put him in context. When I talked to him later, his reason for being angry was that he had been 'mocked' & he didn't like this. On reflection this was true. He had just said something, in normal conversation, can't remember what, & DP had repeated it in a droning/mimicking way, saying to him that's how he speaks. Hence his reply. She is angry with me (I haven't raised the 'mocking' - she would say that's an excuse) saying she is not supported & he is disrespectful to her. I'm thinking he is a teenager that doesn't need to be laughed at. Just needs to see what the opinion is before I accept he was out of order or address it with her. AIBU to feel upset & that my sons, feelings/response whilst inappropriate was understandable?

OP posts:

beautifulxdisasters · 22/08/2020 17:06

She was nasty to him, he was nasty back.

Not good on either side but your DP is an adult and she was nasty first. I wouldn't blame your DS for his response tbh.

BananaPop2020 · 22/08/2020 17:07

It seems to be an ongoing theme, that parents let step-parents (or equivalent) speak to/treat their kids appallingly. I can’t bear it. Parenthood is a privilege and too many put their own wants and needs above those of their children.

anon5000 · 22/08/2020 17:07

He wasn't nasty back, he was standing up to someone mocking him.

Pumperthepumper · 22/08/2020 17:07

Respect is a two-way street, I’d talk to your dp about how she speaks to your son.

Original poster

Tinythumbelina · 22/08/2020 17:09

Thank you. Yes, I was at the table but hadn't being paying too much attention. I didn't have enough time to recognise how DS was feeling, he replied & then was sent away. This type of situation is a constant source of tension as DP is much more traditional in her expectations & ways of dealing with things, which I don't agree with. My son is a classic teenage answer backer so I ignore which shuts him down. For her, it's like red rag to a bull leading to her raging at him, them me, for not putting him in his place. Drill Sergeant mentality. Whilst I too, expect respect, I am much more on the wavelength of trying to understand & support & not cause confrontation.

OP posts:

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 22/08/2020 17:12

Mocking a person who has Autism and often can't give as good as they get in the same way as an NT person is bordering on abuse.......in fact I'd consider it abusive behaviour.

Your child's step parent will have known exactly what they were doing, I wouldn't punish my child because an abusive bully decided to belittle them and you shouldn't either.

RandomTree · 22/08/2020 17:12

Your DP is not coming out of this well. It's not kind to tease him like that, and I'm not surprised he responded angrily. The fact that you didn't pick up on it at the time implies it might be a common occurrence?

BananaPop2020 · 22/08/2020 17:12

@Tinythumbelina, if you are able to recognise that this is happening, as you clearly are, you absolutely have to tackle your DP. Have you been together a long time?

Plussizejumpsuit · 22/08/2020 17:13

Your dp sounds like really hard work. Is your son with you all of the time? How do they normally get on?

Haffdonga · 22/08/2020 17:13

Phone confiscation and sent to his room already seems pretty extreme for a once off an well deserved 'shut the bloody hell up' from a 14 year old.

Swearing is not acceptable but mocking by an adult of a child is far worse. Why is your dp angry with you ? Does she want you to join in with her?

I'd talk to your ds about better ways to deal with nasty behaviour. e.g. Try saying clearly and assertively Please don't copy the way I speak, Stepmum. I don't like it and it's not kind. Then it will be a lot easier for you to back him up.

Then talk to your dp and set some boundaries. You cannot expect respect from someone if you don't first behave with it. She needs to be the adult and model the behaviour you all want.

DullDullWeather · 22/08/2020 17:14

Your DP sounds bloody horrible

Team DS

chickenyhead · 22/08/2020 17:19

thats not ok.

Who was the adult in the room?

I'm sorry but you should have shut it down as she did it, not forced him to have to defend himself against an aggressive adult you have chosen to be with.

babbafett · 22/08/2020 17:19

@Tinythumbelina

The red rag to a bull stands out to me. My DF used to be like that, it lead to an awful lot of fighting during me and my siblings teenage years. And it definitely has effected our adult relationship with him. I think you have the right approach and just need to be very clear with your DP that this is how you wish to parent. Your son needs to feel safe in expressing himself and his emotions at home,often teenagers are polite and never answer back at friends houses, school etc. But give back chat and have emotional outbursts at home because that's where they feel safe to do so. You know what is right for your son and you need to just lay it out for your DP. Obviously there will be times when he is genuinely out of line and you will need to implement a punishment but it needs to be proportionate. Your DP is allowing her emotions to be triggered and that's something she needs to work on

GhostCurry · 22/08/2020 17:23

“ Why did you only see your partner's nastiness "on reflection"? I wonder how much shit you've let go but your son had to swallow?”

Totally agree

Good luck OP, you sound thoughtful and I’m glad you posted here. Words needed with your DP.

LovingLola · 22/08/2020 17:24

The time is approaching when you need to decide who comes first for you - your son or your partner.
Does he see his dad?

Quartz2208 · 22/08/2020 17:24

She mocked your son and he reacted and got punished

What are you going to do about this? Her drill sergeant mentality has no place and then she rages and you and him

Why are you allowing her to do this?

Noneformethanks · 22/08/2020 17:26

She sounds awful. Why are you letting her do this to your child?

honeygirlz · 22/08/2020 17:26

So it's ok for her to be disrespectful by mocking him? And then rage at him when he stands up for himself?

It reminds me of "I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it.”

mbosnz · 22/08/2020 17:28

She was disrespectful to him, and she got served with her own sauce. I wouldn't support someone being an arsehole to my kid, and would make darned sure they (both my child and my partner) knew that I wouldn't support them when they were, neither.

Funguy · 22/08/2020 17:30

Your son has difficulties, yet he was mocked by an adult who presumably has none of these difficulties.No wonder he is rude.

VettiyaIruken · 22/08/2020 17:33

Mocking him was an act of bullying. She is out of order. I'd have told her to fuck right off

JanMeyer · 22/08/2020 17:35

Mocking a person who has Autism and often can't give as good as they get in the same way as an NT person is bordering on abuse.......in fact I'd consider it abusive behaviour

The boy doesn't have autism though. The OP says he's "borderline ASD." That doesn't make a person autistic. Only people who fulfill the criteria under the triad of impairments have autism.

puddsmum49 · 22/08/2020 17:36

How long have you been together and does your partner live with you? It's hard to tell from your post. Either way, the situation doesn't sound great but might help to put things into context.

Aspergallus · 22/08/2020 17:37

There is something particularly nasty and toxic about mocking people/children.

I grew up in a house like that, where the adults interacted with us by mocking -what we wore, how our interests were just fads and phases deserving of eye rolls, how we spoke etc...

It takes away the sanctity of home, somewhere you can be your vulnerable true self, seek support when life is confusing or not going well.

For me and my sister it is part of why the house we grew up in was never home. We never looked back when we left at 18/19. Felt nothing when it was sold. It was somewhere we were barely tolerated and mocked, no more special than any other building that provided shelter.

I try very hard to avoid repeating this behaviour with my kids. Let’s be honest, kids say things that are ridiculous, naiive, painfully and cringe fully earnest...we need to rise above the self consciousness that we have learned as adults and engage with them openly and considerate of where they are in their development. Mocking them is just the most pathetic way to respond.

Your DP needs to get on board with the standards of care and consideration owed to a child in their home setting.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 22/08/2020 17:39

Who sent him to his room and confiscated his phone? That is way over the top as a punishment - not that he should be punished at all. At worst he responded rudely, but he was being mocked and so he stood up for himself, also bloody barely registers as a swearword and I'm sure most 14 year olds would have told her to fuck off.

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