Son swearing because he was being mocked

[Tinythumbelina]

DS (14) replied to DP (his long term step parent) , at dinner table, 'Why don't you shut the bl*y hell up?' which got him sent to eat alone & his phone confiscated. He is borderline ASD, anxious, going through a teenage angry, lazy & rude phase, partly because he's totalky bored, we're in total lock down, (not in UK), no sport, no school, no friends, for months, just to put him in context. When I talked to him later, his reason for being angry was that he had been 'mocked' & he didn't like this. On reflection this was true. He had just said something, in normal conversation, can't remember what, & DP had repeated it in a droning/mimicking way, saying to him that's how he speaks. Hence his reply. She is angry with me (I haven't raised the 'mocking' - she would say that's an excuse) saying she is not supported & he is disrespectful to her. I'm thinking he is a teenager that doesn't need to be laughed at. Just needs to see what the opinion is before I accept he was out of order or address it with her. AIBU to feel upset & that my sons, feelings/response whilst inappropriate was understandable?

I’m with you and most others on the thread.

Mocking is bullying. It is incredibly hurtful, particularly when it comes from a parent/someone in loco parentis.

‘Bloody hell’ is barely even swearing.

And the punishment you’ve given him in no way fits the crime (your partner should be apologising to him, for starters).

Stand up for your son.

It sounds fraught. You can’t have someone in your home bullying your child and that’s what mocking and ridiculously disproportionate punishments are.

He was being picked on and did nothing wrong. Poor child. An adult picking on a child then watching him get punished for it. Evil step parent moment.

I am shocked by the immaturity and cruelty of your partner. If your son does have ASD, then his voice and delivery are one of the more obvious social signifiers of the condition and it is mockery of an element of a disability. Even if he doesn’t, it is most unpleasant to mock an attribute of a person in this way. My child has ASD and I would not tolerate an adult, a child and most certainly not a partner who mocked their voice. Your partner has let themselves down here, not your son, whose behaviour sounds pretty restrained, given the provocation and downright nastiness of what was said. I hope you are going to make it clear that it was unacceptable - and for me, this would be a deal- breaker.

Quite honestly I think that a mild reaction for a teenage boy - my brothers would have said fuck off and thrown something at that age! Mocking is a really low form of bullying IMO you should have stuck up for your son and bollocked your OH.

Now would be a good time to show your son that you won't tolerate him being picked on

@Tinythumbelina

Thank you. Yes, I was at the table but hadn't being paying too much attention. I didn't have enough time to recognise how DS was feeling, he replied & then was sent away. This type of situation is a constant source of tension as DP is much more traditional in her expectations & ways of dealing with things, which I don't agree with. My son is a classic teenage answer backer so I ignore which shuts him down. For her, it's like red rag to a bull leading to her raging at him, them me, for not putting him in his place. Drill Sergeant mentality. Whilst I too, expect respect, I am much more on the wavelength of trying to understand & support & not cause confrontation.

Your OH needs to keep her beak out of your parenting and start being kinder to everyone

Neither your DP nor your DS were in the right here but what your DP did is way worse. It is nasty and belittling.

Your dp is out of order, and needs to apologise. She also needs to stop acting like a child herself.

What everyone else said. Your DP sounds like a bully and a Shit parent.

I would be telling my child the appropriate way to respond when feeling 'mocked'

And what is that exactly?

DP had repeated it in a droning/mimicking way, saying to him that's how he speaks.

My dh does this to my (our) dd, who is 12, and asd. Partly the reason I am looking to leave him, not the entire reason though.

Your partner got what she deserved. Good on your son for standing up for himself, because it doesn't sound like you do. Mocking someone is bullying, what else is your ds putting up with?

She needs to know that "drill Sargent" parenting DOES not work with a child with asd.

@Chloemol please ignore my quoted post, I read your post wrong. I have asked for it to be deleted.

Your son responded to a bully in a very reasonable fashion. Then you punished him for it. You need to apologize to him.

As for your dp, I don’t know what to do about that. It is behavior you expect from a child, not an adult, so all my responses involve stern lectures and grounding.

Your dp was being a dick. You would be letting your child down if you stayed with this bully.

For her, it's like red rag to a bull leading to her raging at him, them me, for not putting him in his place.

But you said he was just taking part in the conversation.

Why are you with someone who does not respect your son?

OP you said she feels disrespected and not stood up for. Why? What has he/what does she think he has said to her? Either way I agree with everyone, her copying him is no way for him or you to live. It's like school yard crap but at home.

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick here, but could he be struggling with missing his dad, and with his mum being in a same-sex relationship? (Not that that in anyway excuses the mocking he was subjected to by your partner). Maybe he's been mocked at school for his home set-up and that's why he snapped.

For her, it's like red rag to a bull...

...y.

You earn respect , particularly I'm afraid as a step parent , she doesn't seem to be doing that. I hate the mocking behaviour , it's incredibly ignorant and childish. My DP is the step parent and he was brought up with a drill sergeant mentality but he realises that it's not always appropriate (I have to say somethings are and they are more effective when it's an immovable boundary , other things are about listening and understanding, ds2 currently is trying to push the boundaries about running into roads....this is a no discussion point for example).

I would probably discuss with DS how to handle it better when other people are being rude but I can't blame him for losing his temper.

It would be a serious discussion with DP though , at the absolute minimum the stupid mocking behaviour needs to stop...now.

Actually, I think a better response from your son would have been
"Shut the fuck up" with the addition of "you bitch".
I wouldn't go as far as calling her a "charmless cunt" yet, he needs to keep that in his arsenal, as expect he will need it at some point.

What is your partner like to you OP? Joking aside. You say you haven't raised the mocking with her, why? You say she rages at you, that's not nice. I hope this thread is giving you some stuff to reflect on.

I’m at DS house now and read out your questuin@Tinythumbelina

DS ( now adult) is in total support of your son, and said it is very childish for an adult to mock a child-

DS said being grumpy and hormonal is par for the course with a lad, and that your DS was quite restrained in his response. 👍💪

Good for him, your dp was being a dick and was treated accordingly.

Give your son a high five from me.

If it’s likely that your partner was trying to have a laugh and have a bit of banter rather than mocking him for no reason then they should both apologise. If she genuinely mocked him to be cruel then LTB.