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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son swearing because he was being mocked

149 replies

Tinythumbelina · 22/08/2020 16:36

DS (14) replied to DP (his long term step parent) , at dinner table, 'Why don't you shut the bl*y hell up?' which got him sent to eat alone & his phone confiscated. He is borderline ASD, anxious, going through a teenage angry, lazy & rude phase, partly because he's totalky bored, we're in total lock down, (not in UK), no sport, no school, no friends, for months, just to put him in context. When I talked to him later, his reason for being angry was that he had been 'mocked' & he didn't like this. On reflection this was true. He had just said something, in normal conversation, can't remember what, & DP had repeated it in a droning/mimicking way, saying to him that's how he speaks. Hence his reply. She is angry with me (I haven't raised the 'mocking' - she would say that's an excuse) saying she is not supported & he is disrespectful to her. I'm thinking he is a teenager that doesn't need to be laughed at. Just needs to see what the opinion is before I accept he was out of order or address it with her. AIBU to feel upset & that my sons, feelings/response whilst inappropriate was understandable?

OP posts:
ErinBrockovich · 22/08/2020 18:27

@Tinythumbelina without wanting to appear like a stalker, I knew I recognised your situation and searched your previous thread (which I commented on).
You have a DP problem. I don’t know what it’s going to take for you to start protecting your son.

exaltedwombat · 22/08/2020 18:30

Why haven't you 'raised the mocking'? It's what this is all about.

chickenyhead · 22/08/2020 18:32

Give it a rest on the ASD front. I realise that for some of you, this is your speciality subject, but it really isn't relevant to the core issue of this thread.

The autism spectrum is vast and overlaps with several other disorders. The diagnostic criteria have recently been updated and the OP's use of that term isn't the first time it has been heard.

Let's just agree he has traits, fair?

You both fully know what people meant and are nit picking.

Stop it.

oakleaffy · 22/08/2020 18:37

@Tinythumbelina
Your DP sounds totally in the wrong here.
Sympathies with your DS. It must be horrid to be mocked by a sarky step-parent. Not very 'adult' of the SP.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/08/2020 18:39

"This type of situation is a constant source of tension as DP is much more traditional in her expectations & ways of dealing with things, which I don't agree with. My son is a classic teenage answer backer so I ignore which shuts him down. For her, it's like red rag to a bull leading to her raging at him, them me, for not putting him in his place. Drill Sergeant mentality."
"Constant". SO basically, your DP is alway on his back. And you are already aware of this.

So the question is: WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THIS ADULT WHO IS BULLYING YOUR CHILD?

Yes, she's your DP. But he's your child, so his welfare should trump your relationship. She is an adult who is bullying a child. That makes her a pretty damned inadequate adult in my eyes. In YOUR eyes, it should make her an unacceptable adult.

Viviennemary · 22/08/2020 18:39

Why was your DP mocking him. I wouldn't allow that.

oakleaffy · 22/08/2020 18:40

@SendHelp30

For starters a 14 year old saying bloody hell is hardly the worst thing he could’ve come out with is it? Your DP was bang out of order mimicking your son and I wouldn’t stand for that. I certainly wouldn’t send a 14 year old to eat alone. Have your sons back.
Spot on! ''bloody hell'' is not even swearing in my book..It is so tame as to be considered quite normal.

I agree totally with having Son's Back. Also, it is hard to have a 'Stepmother'...Especially one who is sarky.

ShastaBeast · 22/08/2020 18:41

Your son comes first. It’s not fair to bring someone into the home who will belittle him, particularly if ASD is a factor. It’s ok to tease your kids and friends a bit if they known the person loves them. But even then you should stop if they are upset. A 14yr old vs an adult, twice their age plus, is not a fair set up. Plus it’s clear he’s not allowed to stick up for himself. DP needs to back off or step away from the family.

FitbitMum · 22/08/2020 18:42

If OP has abandoned the thread I hope they read every single one of these and knows that DP is absolutely in the wrong. Give back the phone to DS and apologise for not sticking up for him in the first place.

DeeTractor · 22/08/2020 18:46

What an absolute bitch. Your son was a lot nicer to her than I would have been at that age, not matter who she (thought she) was.

Then again, I'd also like to think that my parents would stick up for me in that situation as well.

Onestepup · 22/08/2020 18:49

Mocking is definitely worse than swearing.

Oldbagface · 22/08/2020 18:50

You poor ds. You do realise you dp is a bully.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Tell your partner he's an arsehole and to apologies.

Tell your son he doesn't sound like that at all and your do is a complete idiot.

JanMeyer · 22/08/2020 18:50

The autism spectrum is vast and overlaps with several other disorders. The diagnostic criteria have recently been updated and the OP's use of that term isn't the first time it has been heard.Let's just agree he has traits, fair? You both fully know what people meant and are nit picking.

The autism spectrum is vast, but still only autistic people are on there. People with "traits" aren't. The diagnostic criteria changes have nothing to do with the thread. And if you've bothered to read my post properly it's the other posters referring to him as having autism (when he doesn't) that annoyed me.
If the other posters hadn't continually referred to him as "being ASD" i wouldn't even have bothered posting. The term "is borderline ASD" does annoy me. But not nearly as much as people who read that as the boy having autism and referring to him as such. There is a difference and that matters. And I'll never apologise for pointing such things out.

And no, i won't give it a rest. You aren't in charge of the thread and who can post what. Because when people say "my child is borderline ASD" it isn't clear what they mean.
It's not clear if they've just decided that themselves (seen it on here many times before) or they've actually been told by a qualified professional the child has traits.

Did you enjoy your snide little dig at our "speciality subject?"
I always find it strange how bothered some people are by other people correcting wrong information.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 22/08/2020 19:05

I feel very sorry for your DS. Not only is he having to share his home and his mother with a step parent, which is hard enough at the best of times, but the step parent is abusive and seems to take priority in your loyalty. This is all kinds of wrong. Your DP is a bully. Are you under DP's thumb?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 22/08/2020 19:07

Perfectly reasonable for him to be upset and retaliate. Possibly not the best choice of words and maybe you should talk about what he could have said instead. I don’t think it warrants a punishment through.

2bazookas · 22/08/2020 19:08

DP was rude to him, he was rude back. From what you describe, it sounds as if she was ruder than he was. Frankly, if that's how she treats him, she doesn't deserve respect. Her behaviour is insupportable.

I don't see why his phone was involved in the spat or any reason to confiscate it. I'm betting there's absolutely no thought of DP's phone being confiscated for starting the spat, being rude, and behaving like a child without the excuse of being one.

FourDecades · 22/08/2020 19:09

So DP was horrible first....DS retaliated...
or ...stood up for himself and he got punished

msflibble · 22/08/2020 19:10

Your DP needs to learn that respect and courtesy go both ways.

He's going through one of the most tumultuous, painful phases of life and his behaviour is, while unpleasant, basically normal.

It's always a good idea for a couple to agree on exactly what approach needs to be taken - it looks like your refusal to take his bait is the best one.

Your DP shouldn't be too upset as he was punished; maybe talk to her about why she seems unable to have empathy with him when he is clearly suffering.

Billben · 22/08/2020 19:19

Your poor son. Anybody mocking is a bully. Your DP should know better. And so should you. Your DS had to stand up for himself because you didn’t.

Ablackrussian · 22/08/2020 19:39

Your DP provoked him. His response was a negative one..hardly rocket. You've punished the wrong person.

Ablackrussian · 22/08/2020 19:44

What did your DP think your son's appropriate response to be taken the piss out of, would be?

Anger is a totally acceptable response. Fuck what the passives say.

Your partner is nothing short of a hypocritical bully.

GabsAlot · 22/08/2020 19:47

so you just sat thereignoring all this and now your dp is having a go saying u didnt back her up

she sounds like a horrible bully-why would you mimic mock a child anyway

nocoolnamesleft · 22/08/2020 19:48

Your DS stood up to a bully. He should not have been punished for that.

mbosnz · 22/08/2020 19:50

I'd go so far as to say your partner sounds like they are emotionally abusive to your son, and you're enabling it, and how dare he rock your comfortable little boat with your partner by standing up for himself, in the marked absence of a parent who will stand up for him, but is so checked out they don't notice that their partner is being an absolute arse to their child. . .

mbosnz · 22/08/2020 19:50

In my book, not a 'dear' partner. . .