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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son swearing because he was being mocked

149 replies

Tinythumbelina · 22/08/2020 16:36

DS (14) replied to DP (his long term step parent) , at dinner table, 'Why don't you shut the bl*y hell up?' which got him sent to eat alone & his phone confiscated. He is borderline ASD, anxious, going through a teenage angry, lazy & rude phase, partly because he's totalky bored, we're in total lock down, (not in UK), no sport, no school, no friends, for months, just to put him in context. When I talked to him later, his reason for being angry was that he had been 'mocked' & he didn't like this. On reflection this was true. He had just said something, in normal conversation, can't remember what, & DP had repeated it in a droning/mimicking way, saying to him that's how he speaks. Hence his reply. She is angry with me (I haven't raised the 'mocking' - she would say that's an excuse) saying she is not supported & he is disrespectful to her. I'm thinking he is a teenager that doesn't need to be laughed at. Just needs to see what the opinion is before I accept he was out of order or address it with her. AIBU to feel upset & that my sons, feelings/response whilst inappropriate was understandable?

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 22/08/2020 18:00

Rather extreme punishment for an anxious, bored, borderline ASD child reacting, not unreasonably, to being mocked my someone supposedly in a parental role.

Extreme punishment for any child acting this way. I’d expect my 11 year old to do the same. Absolutely not on.

Blankblankblank · 22/08/2020 18:01

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Mocking a person who has Autism and often can't give as good as they get in the same way as an NT person is bordering on abuse.......in fact I'd consider it abusive behaviour.

Your child's step parent will have known exactly what they were doing, I wouldn't punish my child because an abusive bully decided to belittle them and you shouldn't either.

^This. Poor DS.
Intelinside57 · 22/08/2020 18:03

Yes, what they are all saying. Your DS snapped, this clearly isn't the first time he's felt mocked (ie bullied) by your DP.

Dinosaurpooped · 22/08/2020 18:03

Did your Dp get they same punishment? If not then why?

BarbedBloom · 22/08/2020 18:04

She does need to shut the bloody hell up. He was right. Bloody isn't even a swear word in our house. I also think you have overlooked the way he is being treated. Drill sergent doesn't work on teens. He will be old enough soon to leave and never look back

SentientAndCognisant · 22/08/2020 18:05

Your partner she’s a bully who mocks & mimics a vulnerable teen
You need to stand up assertively for your child,cover his back
She knows he’s anxious,ASD that’s why she’s doing it Because she can
No way she’d do that to someone who’d answer back.

Ps bloody is exasperated it’s not swearing

If There is a choice, to be made, chose him

diddl · 22/08/2020 18:07

She's a nasty bully & is the one who should have been sent from the table.

Or sent away permanently!

Shitfuckoh · 22/08/2020 18:07

@SentientAndCognisant

Your partner she’s a bully who mocks & mimics a vulnerable teen You need to stand up assertively for your child,cover his back She knows he’s anxious,ASD that’s why she’s doing it Because she can No way she’d do that to someone who’d answer back.

Ps bloody is exasperated it’s not swearing

If There is a choice, to be made, chose him

If There is a choice, to be made, chose him Absolutely bonkers that people even need to tell a parent this!
Notmoresugar · 22/08/2020 18:08

YANBU
Your partner is a bully.
Tell her every action has a reaction and she got what she deserved.

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2020 18:09

@Tinythumbelina

Thank you. Yes, I was at the table but hadn't being paying too much attention. I didn't have enough time to recognise how DS was feeling, he replied & then was sent away. This type of situation is a constant source of tension as DP is much more traditional in her expectations & ways of dealing with things, which I don't agree with. My son is a classic teenage answer backer so I ignore which shuts him down. For her, it's like red rag to a bull leading to her raging at him, them me, for not putting him in his place. Drill Sergeant mentality. Whilst I too, expect respect, I am much more on the wavelength of trying to understand & support & not cause confrontation.
Well, if you're disagreeing, you get the majority vote, he's your son.

She shouldn't be undermining you or interfering in discipline when you're there.

What are you going to do?

wewereliars · 22/08/2020 18:10

Poor son!

Bunnymumy · 22/08/2020 18:10

Saying 'shut the bloody hell up' at 14 isnt a big deal anyway. But especially considering someone was being a dick to him. I'd have said the same.

Haffiana · 22/08/2020 18:11

This type of situation is a constant source of tension as DP is much more traditional in her expectations & ways of dealing with things, which I don't agree with. My son is a classic teenage answer backer so I ignore which shuts him down. For her, it's like red rag to a bull leading to her raging at him, them me, for not putting him in his place.

I would normally say 'child before cock' here, and even if not quite right in this case, the meaning is the same.

Your child should not be being teased and mocked with no right to reply in his own home. Your partner is not able to be an adult or a parent if she deals with a child by 'raging'. You need to step up and protect your children from this womanchild.

chickenyhead · 22/08/2020 18:12

You shouldn't NEED to tell a parent to stand up for his child against his hostile DP.

For me her behaviour would have been jumped on immediately. Because we have boundaries about how we treat others and expect to be treated.

By not pulling her up for bullying, rather than him for tryingtodefendhimself, you have taught your son that SHE is your priority.

SentientAndCognisant · 22/08/2020 18:13

@Shitfuckoh If There is a choice,to be made, chose him
Absolutely bonkers that people even need to tell a parent this!
I don’t get a feeling that op is effective in standing up to the partner, or has son back. I hope I’m wrong

Purpledaisychain · 22/08/2020 18:14

Your DP was mocking him, and not in a nice way. And teenagers are bad at laughing at themselves at the best of times. He shouldn't have to take that in his own home. It no doubt made him upset, embarassed and self conscious. How is their relationship, usually? Does DP have kids, with you or a previous partner?

TotallyObsessed4 · 22/08/2020 18:17

YABU for the term “borderline ASD”

There is no such thing as borderline autism because you either have it or you don’t. Yes, different people are affected more or less severely by it but it is still just autism. You can’t be on the border of being autistic.

and yes I have ASD.

BananaPop2020 · 22/08/2020 18:17

@SentientAndCognisant this is a thread we can definitely agree on 😀

GisAFag · 22/08/2020 18:17

Talk to DP and explain how DC feels when they feel they are being mocked.
If you were there why didn't you address the situation. Your DC didn't need to be punished when a conversation of why they reacted in such a way could have been had. Feel sorry that DC can't express frustration without being punished

iklboo · 22/08/2020 18:18

What you do, is teach your son to respond appropriately. Eg “you are being very rude, please stop mimicking me, you are embarrassing us both”

Pound to a penny the DP would have still blown up and punished him for talking back / being sarcastic.

JanMeyer · 22/08/2020 18:21

YABU for the term “borderline ASD” There is no such thing as borderline autism because you either have it or you don’t. Yes, different people are affected more or less severely by it but it is still just autism. You can’t be on the border of being autistic. and yes I have ASD.

I pointed that out myself. Not that it seems to matter. Still people keep referring to the boy as "being ASD." 😡😡

JanMeyer · 22/08/2020 18:21

YABU for the term “borderline ASD” There is no such thing as borderline autism because you either have it or you don’t. Yes, different people are affected more or less severely by it but it is still just autism. You can’t be on the border of being autistic. and yes I have ASD.

I pointed that out myself. Not that it seems to matter. Still people keep referring to the boy as "being ASD." 😡😡

SentientAndCognisant · 22/08/2020 18:22

In fact this isn’t about the teenage son,it’s all about the adult who’s a cruel bully
The son doesn’t need to be taught quips and put downs,how to respond
The partner needs to be a kind,empathic step parent who models good behaviour by how she behaves

corythatwas · 22/08/2020 18:23

There is something particularly nasty and toxic about mocking people/children.

It takes away the sanctity of home, somewhere you can be your vulnerable true self, seek support when life is confusing or not going well.

This. Very wise words by Aspergallus.

I was always very strict about swearing and aggressive language when mine were growing up, but under the circumstances I can see where your son was coming from. The fact that there is a member of your household who sits at the dinner table deliberately mocking other, weaker members, is a serious issue. You need to make it clear that this is not acceptable, that it's a deal breaker.

SendHelp30 · 22/08/2020 18:25

For starters a 14 year old saying bloody hell is hardly the worst thing he could’ve come out with is it? Your DP was bang out of order mimicking your son and I wouldn’t stand for that. I certainly wouldn’t send a 14 year old to eat alone. Have your sons back.

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