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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect care and affection from DH?

108 replies

Akindelle · 22/08/2020 13:46

If I feel poorly my DH won’t stroke my head or rub my back, or say anything nice like “aww sweetie you look pale, shall I make you a cup of tea”. He regards this as “pandering” to me. Other things he regards as pandering are: asking me how I feel, showing any type of concern, cuddling me when I cry, or any show of affection like rubbing my hand or tucking my hair behind my ear. He never posts on social media “proud of my wife”, “isn’t she beautiful in this photo”, “feeling blessed to have this lovely lady in my life”, or any of the other things that friends partners post about them.

We’ve been together for 11 years and I can’t cope any more. I want to be loved and cared about like others obviously are. Does your partner love and care about you? Is my DH’s behaviour normal? AIBU to consider leaving him for this?

YANBU = his behaviour is unacceptable
YABU = his behaviour is fine

OP posts:
firstevernamechange · 22/08/2020 13:48

That sounds joyless.
What do you get out of this relationship?

Subeccoo · 22/08/2020 13:49

Honestly I'd be mortified if my dh posted on sm like that about me. However yanbu to want some love and care when ill and affection in general, that's what a caring partner should do.
My dh is ill at the mo and I could kill him though the whiny git.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 22/08/2020 13:49

The social media thing wouldn’t bother me, I find that all a bit cringe and most couples who are secure don’t need to blab about it to everyone.

The other stuff is a bit sad, as those little moments of affection are what keeps a marriage alive. Do you do those things for him?

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 22/08/2020 13:51

Not tucking your hair behind your ear or rubbing your back etc I wouldn't say is unreasonable and I would actually hate it if DH did those things! However not asking or caring how you feel is not OK. I was recently ill with a stomach bug and DH wasn't very physically affectionate (can't blame him there Grin) but he packed me off to bed while he took on 100% care of DS. He was up and down the stairs regularly bringing me drink and bland food and asking how I was feeling.

TwilightPeace · 22/08/2020 13:52

Social media displays of affection are fake and cringe.
He SHOULD care about you though! That’s a very basic part of being in a healthy relationship.
Pandering?!

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 22/08/2020 13:52

You sound incompatible. I would find all that your describe suffocating and childish and can't stand boasting or all that 'blessed' bullshit on social media. My husband and I are equals, not parent and child. When one is ill the other steps up with the lifework without complaint, we look in on each other, maybe cups of tea, but basically rely on the other person saying what they want and leaving him/her to rest and have peace.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 22/08/2020 13:52

Well, half and half.

YANBU to want someone to ask how you are feeling and give a hug or make a tea.

YABU to want someone to post on SM about how awesome their wife is👀

Magstermay · 22/08/2020 13:54

I agree with you up to the social media posts. I feel the same as my husband seems to lack empathy for me or the DC when hurt or upset. Sometimes I’d just like a hug!

However, social media is merely a snapshot of someone’s life so just because something looks perfect there it doesn’t mean it actually is. Someone’s DH could post about them being amazing but be abusive behind closed doors.

firstevernamechange · 22/08/2020 13:54

Posted too soon.

To answer your question: it really depends on what you are getting from this relationship. Has he always been like this? Is he otherwise good company? Does he expect care from you?
I would find it difficult to live in that situation - but there was a reason you married him. Has something changed?

YaNeverbu to leave a relationship that doesn't make you happy. So, again, does this marriage make you happy. If no, only you know if you can two can fix it or if itvs best to walk away and start fresh.

Suzi888 · 22/08/2020 13:55

I don’t think it’s unreasonable behaviour, some men and women are just like this. Depends how it makes you feel though. If you are unhappy with it then it’s a problem.
My other half won’t really engage in what he thinks is soppy behaviour (he didn’t get much attention /affection as a child) but I know he loves me & would do anything for me. He’s just not very good at cuddles etc

I’m not very affectionate myself, only with my four year old.

Savananan · 22/08/2020 13:55

Has he always been the same since you starting dating? Some people (not just men) are just like that, although it feels very personal it isn't neccesaarily. I never post on social media about my husband, I love him dearly but I find it all a bit cringe. If he asked me to because he felt it was weird I don't post anything I would find that a bit uncomfortable. I am quite affectionate, but a few friends have partners who are similar; they are caring in many ways, but they have moaned from first meeting them that they don't do x, y or z, and seemed surprised that they don't start doing it for whatever reason.

CoRhona · 22/08/2020 13:56

DH doesn't do those things either BUT when I mentioned that I'd been bought some fancy chocolate I wasn't keen on and would have preferred Dairy Milk, he went to the shop and brought me back two big bars of it.

So there is care, it's just differently communicated Wink

honeylulu · 22/08/2020 13:56

My husband doesn't do any of those things (well he makes me cups of tea but not because I look pale!) He would rather cut off his own head than post lovey dovey messages on social media. When we got engaged he just gave me the ring. There was no proposal because he said we'd already spoken about it and he knew I wanted to get married = logic.

Despite this I know he loves and cares for me and our children. He just isn't into soppy gestures and emotional display. I'm fine with that to be honest. If I'm feeling ill/rough and I want extra help I'll say so and he'll oblige. I'll do the same for him. We just dont fuss and flap around each other. I used to want a more "romantic" husband but I'm not bothered now. We have been together 25 years and ate happy. Lots of my friends who had the big romantic gestures are now divorced.

If he's "good " in general maybe he just has a different love language. Or is he a selfish arse in every way?

MyLifeIsFictional · 22/08/2020 13:57

If I feel poorly my DH won’t stroke my head or rub my back, or say anything nice like “aww sweetie you look pale, shall I make you a cup of tea”. He regards this as “pandering” to me. Other things he regards as pandering are: asking me how I feel, showing any type of concern, cuddling me when I cry, or any show of affection like rubbing my hand or tucking my hair behind my ear

It's not pandering, it's showing you care.

Apart from tucking hair behind your ear, I find that strangely paternal.

So what DO you get out of your relationship?

piscean10 · 22/08/2020 13:57

Tbh some of the things you describe are incredibly ridiculous and needy. Tucking your hair in andposting on social media ? I would think you are just needy and if these are your expectations I can see why he feels that way.
He can do practical stuff like make you a cup of tea but the rest is just needy.

sst1234 · 22/08/2020 13:57

So did he he used to do those things when you first got together and he has just stopped now? If he has always been like that then you need to get off social media as your expectations of him may be unrealistic.

By the way the post reads very strange. You actually want him to say post those corny lines on social media? Ewwww.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/08/2020 13:59

I'm with the others on social media. This wouldnt bother me, unless he posted overly gushing things about other people but not you.

The not seeming to care thing would bother me though. 'Pandering' is an odd choice of word, it implies that you're being over the top in wanting him to show he cares. If you're genuinely ill in bed, does he not do anything at all to show he cares? I'd generally rather have someone who shows me they care (eg checking on me to see if I want a drink, popping out to the shops to pick up the only thing I can stomach etc) than tell me, but if he doesn't do either then he sounds very cold and unsympathetic and I can see why you wouldn't feel loved

User7312019 · 22/08/2020 14:03

You just sound inherently incompatible. Neither of you are being unreasonable but why did you get married? Was he affectionate then?

AnnaFour · 22/08/2020 14:05

Is this new or has he always been like this?

Waveysnail · 22/08/2020 14:06

Me and dh arnt touchy feely people so that stuff wouldnt bother me. If I'm sick, he leaves me alone in bed to sleep/be ill and deals with kids now that's love lol.

Billben · 22/08/2020 14:09

Tbh some of the things you describe are incredibly ridiculous and needy.

^This.😂

aShinyNewUsername · 22/08/2020 14:09

The social media thing is extremely cringe.

Funnily enough the couples I know who do this are Not getting on in real life whatsoever

Redcherries · 22/08/2020 14:09

Sorry op, I feel like this after reading a bullshit mills and boon, and feel all wistful For an unrealistic slightly dominated romantic life. Then I give my head a wobble and get on with the reality.

Making a cup of tea and checking on you, totally, but the rest is straight from fiction, although I’m sure there is a tiny amount of men doing this, is it really worth chucking in a marriage to try and find it?

gamerchick · 22/08/2020 14:11

Some of the things you describe sound like what you would expect from a parent. For me caring, is to pack me off the bed and take over until I feel better.

Crying though deserves a cuddle. Every relationship needs a cuddle now and then. I wouldn't want him to be my dad or gush on SM about me.

MrsMayo · 22/08/2020 14:11

I'm not a touchy feeling in general but I am with my DH. We have a very jokey side to our relationship but we are also very caring. Yesterday he picked up straight away that I wasn't my normal self and it was because some one had upset me and he was really supportive. My ex wasn't like that though. My ex is an ex for several reasons but that is one of them.