... to expect care and affection from DH?

[Akindelle]

If I feel poorly my DH won’t stroke my head or rub my back, or say anything nice like “aww sweetie you look pale, shall I make you a cup of tea”. He regards this as “pandering” to me. Other things he regards as pandering are: asking me how I feel, showing any type of concern, cuddling me when I cry, or any show of affection like rubbing my hand or tucking my hair behind my ear. He never posts on social media “proud of my wife”, “isn’t she beautiful in this photo”, “feeling blessed to have this lovely lady in my life”, or any of the other things that friends partners post about them.

We’ve been together for 11 years and I can’t cope any more. I want to be loved and cared about like others obviously are. Does your partner love and care about you? Is my DH’s behaviour normal? AIBU to consider leaving him for this?

YANBU = his behaviour is unacceptable
YABU = his behaviour is fine

It's surely obvious that things like social media and hair tucking are just examples of loving and appreciative behaviour, and the real issue is that OP feels neither loved nor appreciated. And nor would I if my husband considered it "pandering" to do as much as make a cup of tea when I was ill.

I have a mate who got divorced. Her father asked about it. Her answer was " Dad, if you have a tabby cat you feed it, provide shelter and a pat occasionally. If you have a pedigree Siamese you feed it good food, shelter it with a comfy cushion, cuddle it and are sure it is happy. Dad (she said), I would like to be treated like the Siamese and I am not". (And all this was well before social media life).

I can't cope. I don't think anyone has ever tucked my hair behind my ear or posted that they feel blessed to have me in their life.
Probably best to LTB, don't you think?
Hair tucking is in the marriage vows, isn't it? If not, it should be.
Please be kind. I suffer from anxiety. My BF's DH's SIL's DP has been stroking her all through lockdown. Isn't that against the rules?

I sometimes put photos of DW and DC on social media, but stick to factual comments like visit to...

No way on gods earth would I be writing love of my life stuff. To be fair I would also die of embarrassment if DW did that to me.

Difference between showing a bit of care and being high maintenance tbh

This sounds really sad. I'd hate to be in a relationship with no affection.
I don't think you're suited if you want affection and he won't give it to you. He doesn't sound that pleasant to be in a relationship with, except maybe for someone who hates all forms of affection and is in a marriage for sex and convenience.

I say that as someone who hates social media stuff and people declaring their love for their partner on Facebook. No one needs that stuff. But the small affectionate gestures are essential for a happy marriage and if he won't give them out you've got a problem.

The social media thing is absolutely dire and I don’t know anyone who would do that, or anyone who would want it.

However, not feeling loved is separate.

Did he change and if so when?

As seems odd that you have been together for over a decade when fundamentals are incompatible

You sound very needy. Why do you need him to tell everyone on SM he loves you? That is weird.

Do you want a husband or a parent? I don't think anyone has stroked my back/hair/held my hand when I was ill since I was a child, though I'm not a very tactile person so I wouldn't welcome it anyway.

You sound very needy, and it's all a bit cringey how you describe what you want from you partner. Surely after being with your Husband for eleven years, you know what he is like . Do you read a lot of romantic novels, and live in a dreamworld.

XH and I are no longer together because we communicated affection differently, and (among other things) I decided we just weren't compatible. I am now in a relationship where I feel displays of love and affection between us are reciprocal, and reciprocated - our "love language" vomit is the same and it makes far far more sense, because I actually feel like he cares. He won't gush about me on social media, but he will pay me compliments, touch my face, put his arms around me and snog my face off.

Not feeling loved or cared about is not good. And him describing things like asking how you are as ‘pandering to’ you us even worse.

I wouldn’t want the social media stuff or the hair-tucking either, but it doesn’t sound like he’s just got other ways of showing you he cares, it sounds like he doesn’t show you he cares at all and dislikes that you want him to.

He was never overly affectionate but not as cold as he has been the past few years. What gets me is that he obviously understands that showing care and attention is the socially accepted behaviour and does it to other people, just not to me. At Christmas we were out at a party and one of the ladies felt faint - my DH said are you ok, come on we’ll get you to a seat, I’ll fetch you a glass of water. He wouldn’t do that if I felt faint - he’d just ignore me or tell me to stop being dramatic. When there was a cat run over outside our house he cuddled the crying lady who came to collect it, but when my dog died he didn’t cuddle me. When his mum sprained her ankle he was all “omg let me have a look, it’s really swollen, I’ll fetch you some frozen peas and drive you to A&E”, but when I fell down the stairs and was screaming he didn’t even look at my ankle or ask how bad it was, just asked what I’d done (with zero concern) then carried on making himself a sandwich.

Social media announcement - yuk. I'd want to leave a man for that.
Tucking hair and rubbing back - meaningless.
I long ago learnt to appreciate a man on his actions. Hard-working, will support you financially when times are hard, goes out to a 24 hour chemist in the middle of the night when you are ill. Makes me laugh, listens and is interested in my life. Men like that are gold dust.

The social media thing is so cringy and awful, you should be grateful he doesn't do that imo!

Does he show physical affection in other ways? A hug and kiss etc? What you've described is how I would treat a child or a pet so it wouldn't concern me unless it's part of a bigger issue.

when I fell down the stairs and was screaming he didn’t even look at my ankle or ask how bad it was, just asked what I’d done (with zero concern) then carried on making himself a sandwich.

wtf?

Ok your update does make him sound a bit cold. But at the same time you do some a slight bit dramatic, so possibly he's clocked that he shouldn't feed into that? I'm not trying to be harsh, but when someone has a tendency to be needy and dramatic I don't think endorsing that with attention is a good idea.

He certainly should've showed some care when your dog died though.

@Akindelle

He was never overly affectionate but not as cold as he has been the past few years. What gets me is that he obviously understands that showing care and attention is the socially accepted behaviour and does it to other people, just not to me. At Christmas we were out at a party and one of the ladies felt faint - my DH said are you ok, come on we’ll get you to a seat, I’ll fetch you a glass of water. He wouldn’t do that if I felt faint - he’d just ignore me or tell me to stop being dramatic. When there was a cat run over outside our house he cuddled the crying lady who came to collect it, but when my dog died he didn’t cuddle me. When his mum sprained her ankle he was all “omg let me have a look, it’s really swollen, I’ll fetch you some frozen peas and drive you to A&E”, but when I fell down the stairs and was screaming he didn’t even look at my ankle or ask how bad it was, just asked what I’d done (with zero concern) then carried on making himself a sandwich.

This is awful OP. He obviously shows care and concern for others, in fact everyone accept you. Why are you staying in this marriage? You deserve much more than this.

Your husband sounds like a total prick and he treats you like an attention seeking child.
Do you want to stay with him? He doesn’t like you very much.

I know a couple who relentlessly post slushy stuff about each other on SM. Looking at their perfect life you’d be really jealous. Lovely weekends away, gorgeous holidays and staring lovingly into each other’s eyes.

What you don’t see is the massive amounts of debt they are in because of his massive ego, the 6 week stints where she leaves him and her on the phone to me telling me about his financial abuse to her. A lot of their weekends away are also his business trips where she’s gone to keep an eye on him.

I wouldn’t swap my DH who never dies any romantic gestures or makes me a cup of tea for friends knob of a DH.

Fgs. The issue isn't specifically mushy Facebook posts or hair stroking. Those are just symptoms. The specific issue is that her husband is a prick who thinks it's beneath him to make her a drink when she's ill.

You can't make someone love you, OP. The only way you can make him step up if he does actually want to is to be prepared to walk away if he doesn't.

I’d cringe until my arse cheeks were supporting my head if DH wrote stuff like that on sm.

Thank god we don’t have it.

I put YABU but I am 50/50. I’d hate it if my DH put anything like that on SM about me because personally I think it’s cringey (and equally don’t about him.) But I’d be upset if my DH wasn’t affectionate or kind and caring when I was poorly

After your update I would say time to move on OP, you deserve better. It's one thing for someone to not be like that at all, another for them to make a show of helping others and being responsive to their needs, but dismissing yours.

And him describing things like asking how you are as ‘pandering to’ you us even worse
He comes in from work and just starts telling me about his day. Never asks how I am or about my day. Never asks how I feel, or about my thoughts or plans. Even if I’m obviously upset he won’t put his arm around me and ask if I’m ok or what’s bothering me. He sits on His Chair and regards it as pandering if I want him to sit on the sofa next to me.

he treats you like an attention seeking child
This is the issue. What I call normal care and affection, he calls attention seeking and pandering. I don’t know who is wrong or right.

He obviously shows care and concern for others
He does. But not for me. Certainly not since we had DC. He’ll wash dishes and clean the bathroom and earn money to pay bills. But he won’t look me in the eyes and ask how I’m feeling.