... to expect care and affection from DH?

[Akindelle]

If I feel poorly my DH won’t stroke my head or rub my back, or say anything nice like “aww sweetie you look pale, shall I make you a cup of tea”. He regards this as “pandering” to me. Other things he regards as pandering are: asking me how I feel, showing any type of concern, cuddling me when I cry, or any show of affection like rubbing my hand or tucking my hair behind my ear. He never posts on social media “proud of my wife”, “isn’t she beautiful in this photo”, “feeling blessed to have this lovely lady in my life”, or any of the other things that friends partners post about them.

We’ve been together for 11 years and I can’t cope any more. I want to be loved and cared about like others obviously are. Does your partner love and care about you? Is my DH’s behaviour normal? AIBU to consider leaving him for this?

YANBU = his behaviour is unacceptable
YABU = his behaviour is fine

I’m not asking for a lot. Like when I had surgery and told him my stitches hurt, I expected him to say “let me have a look... oh that looks sore... don’t worry honey it’ll be fine, you rest and I’ll put the kettle on” and a big hug. What I got was “it’ll be fine” without even looking up from his phone.

He insists my expectations are too high and it’s unreasonable to expect him to pander to me. I insist that what he calls pandering is a normal amount of love and concern which IANBU to expect. Perhaps some of what I mentioned in my OP is overly gushy but he isn’t even doing the minimum.

He’s trustworthy and hard working, intelligent and respectable, he’s a good father, and I feel like IABU to complain because I could be worse off. But I just feel so alone and unloved.

Not to sound mean, but there is no way I would follow my spouse into the bathroom when they are throwing up😐

He sounds bit cold, but you sound like you want a movie love. Simply you are not compatible🤷🏻

Feeling alone and unloved is not the way you should be feeling in a marriage. If he can’t even be bothered to look at you when you are telling him you are in pain preferring to look at his phone then he is a selfish and uncaring husband.

When you first got together and you told him you were in pain or upset or something like that what was he like then?
If he used to show you care and affection I think you need to have a frank discussion with him. Tell him his behaviour is upsetting you and if he doesn’t change you will have to separate. See what he says. Would he go to couples counselling to try and save the marriage?

He insists my expectations are too high and it’s unreasonable to expect him to pander to me

Showing concern to someone who's had surgery, being affectionate with your wife and comforting someone is not pandering it's what emotionally normal people do.
Does he show affection to your child/ren?
I couldn't live with someone that cold no matter how much of a respectable person they appeared to be.

I totally understand this. And it's not really about seeing it on social media it's about knowing he cares enough to think to do that.

I have to say the really prescriptive things you're saying he should do/day sound incredibly artificial and movie-ish. I mean I get the point he should show you care but do you really want it to be THAT saccharine? Because honestly that's the kind of care I'd lavish on my 3yo, not my grown ass adult other half. It sounds like you want to be babied rather than cared for.

He OTOH sounds a nasty cold hearted dickhead so maybe you're just reacting against that and going way too far the other way.

Had you had many serious "grown up" relationships before him? I ask just because while your expectations don't seem excessive to me (it basically boils down to you want him to show he has feelings for you which is fair enough) - they do seem terribly unrealistic - I don't know literally ANYONE who speaks to their grown up partner that way, it's baby talk.

Certainly though you should leave him. He's not making you happy. And you say he seems to be seperating himself from your baby which suggests he'd be a crappy emotionally distant father too which can be very damaging for children to have to live with.

Sounds like my (D)H who checked out a few months ago and was sexting someone else.

Fuckwit

OP your last post suggests he is doing everything that a good partner/father should and you just don’t have a prince for a complete fairytale. No one has everything perfect in their relationship:

He sounds like he could be more caring in day to day life but that doesn't have to be over the top lovey dovey stuff. Don't judge your relationship in comparison to posts on social media. A lot of it is fake and doesn't reflect the true story. I knew a girl who posted wonderful family and husband snaps about the most caring, loving, amazing husband etc.. She was having affairs behind his back. Another one who posted about his loving wife etc was horrifically abusing her behind closed doors.

Is he a doctor or in any way medically trained? If not why on earth would you want him to look at your stitches and what would you expect him to do?

He sounds like a practical person who doesn’t do unnecessary things.

But clearly you are unhappy and therefore you should probably leave him, as he is not going to change.

Also, I think as you grow up and work and life is busy and a bit relentless then this is less time and energy to spread round.

How does he respond when you gush over him?

So my dh does none of the things you mention.

I had a uterine infection post c section and told him I really wasn't well. He said to man up but I wanted to go to the drs and he dropped me off and also subsequently at a&e when I was sent there. He looked after new born twins whilst I was hooked up to antibiotics and (rightfully) didn't complain for a second but he also didn't pat my back. He got me tea and helped me rest but didn't fuss.

Through 20 years together I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he's asked me about my day at work.

But he doesn't expect (or get) fuss when he's ill or got me to ask him about his day.

But he loved the bones of me and I know that. He shows me in 100 different ways but those ways are subtle and unique to him. He always makes sure I come first for example, he gets my favourite snacks in but doesn't get them if I complain I'm feeling lardy. He records Jamie Oliver or George Clark without me asking.

So love isn't big romantic gestures but you need to know he cares.

I’m not asking for a lot. Like when I had surgery and told him my stitches hurt, I expected him to say “let me have a look... oh that looks sore... don’t worry honey it’ll be fine, you rest and I’ll put the kettle on” and a big hug. What I got was “it’ll be fine” without even looking up from his phone.

This is what The Gottman Institute refers to as a 'bid' When you make a bid - ie reach out to your partner - they can either turn away or turn towards your bid. There are also levels of turning away and towards.

This can accurately predict whether your marriage will succeed or fail. Apparently marriages that were still together after 6 years turned towards each other 86% of the time. Those who ended up divorced turned towards each others' bids 33% of the time.

Your H is showing contempt for you, another Gottman staple. I'd suggest having a read of their website and if you can't get your H on board with some of those principles, it might be time to move on. (The Four Horsemen - contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling are the markers of the end of the relationship.)

You deserve to feel loved and cherished. Obviously life gets in the way sometimes, its not sunshine and kittens every day, but it should be underpinned by respect, affection and communication.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I’m not asking for a lot. Like when I had surgery and told him my stitches hurt, I expected him to say “let me have a look... oh that looks sore... don’t worry honey it’ll be fine, you rest and I’ll put the kettle on” and a big hug. What I got was “it’ll be fine” without even looking up from his phone.

This is what The Gottman Institute refers to as a 'bid' When you make a bid - ie reach out to your partner - they can either turn away or turn towards your bid. There are also levels of turning away and towards.

This can accurately predict whether your marriage will succeed or fail. Apparently marriages that were still together after 6 years turned towards each other 86% of the time. Those who ended up divorced turned towards each others' bids 33% of the time.

Your H is showing contempt for you, another Gottman staple. I'd suggest having a read of their website and if you can't get your H on board with some of those principles, it might be time to move on. (The Four Horsemen - contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling are the markers of the end of the relationship.)

You deserve to feel loved and cherished. Obviously life gets in the way sometimes, its not sunshine and kittens every day, but it should be underpinned by respect, affection and communication.

Thanks, that's really interesting. I don't think any of my bids have worked for years now.

Sounds a horrible way to live.

Your partner in life is the one person who in theory should always have your back, support you, care for you and be your safe haven (ok there are good and bad times in any relationship and it might not always be the case but when the chips are really down in your life you should be able to rely on your partner to be THAT person).

Not everyone is super emotional, touchy feely or particularly good at showing that they care purely bc they’re just a bit crap at it - but someone who will go out of their way to treat you with distain, coldness and absolutely no care or attention? Why would you want to have a life with them?

Your husband is showing you that he does not give a shit about your feelings. He is one step short of screaming it from the rooftops.

Is this the life you want? You deserve? A partner who couldn’t give a shit about you? Has absolutely NO interest in your life.

It doesn’t sound like he would change even if you gave him an ultimatum but if I were you I’d be arranging to end the relationship unless there was a big commitment to change on his part

Haven’t RTFT but my Husband is like this, to an extent, it’s how he was raised, his family are just not affectionate. I’ve grown to appreciate the things he does do, rather than those he doesn’t, like a cup of tea every morning to wake up to, whether he is getting up or not, small token gifts and things I can see he has thought about.
My DH doesn’t have SM but if he did I would be cringing at the things you’ve mentioned, I cannot stand these, “my world”, “my beautiful wife” crappy posts when you know full well they have been posted whilst in the same room as said wife and it’s all for public “aawww” factor. I know he loves me, I don’t need the another shit.

Like others I wouldn’t like the gushing SM posts, but you should have been shown care & compassion when you feel downstairs.
I did this and DH is not lovey dovey at all, but he left work and drove to hospital and was genuinely moved and upset when I hobbled towards him on crutches with my fractured tailbone. It’s just caring about your partner.

Thanks, that's really interesting. I don't think any of my bids have worked for years now. that's really sad. Its the very least we should expect from someone who's supposed to love us.

@Akindelle

And him describing things like asking how you are as ‘pandering to’ you us even worse He comes in from work and just starts telling me about his day. Never asks how I am or about my day. Never asks how I feel, or about my thoughts or plans. Even if I’m obviously upset he won’t put his arm around me and ask if I’m ok or what’s bothering me. He sits on His Chair and regards it as pandering if I want him to sit on the sofa next to me.

he treats you like an attention seeking child
This is the issue. What I call normal care and affection, he calls attention seeking and pandering. I don’t know who is wrong or right.

He obviously shows care and concern for others
He does. But not for me. Certainly not since we had DC. He’ll wash dishes and clean the bathroom and earn money to pay bills. But he won’t look me in the eyes and ask how I’m feeling.

Sorry OP but none of this is normal. He sounds at worst a narcissist, at best a selfish man that is not making you happy.

My partner would die on the spot if I posted anything mushy on SM and therefore doesn't post things either and isn't a big fan of PDA's either. HOWEVER, she would certainly care and show that care if I was unwell or upset.
Your husband sounds like a narc or a psychopath.
I'd get rid of him!

I get it OP, you just mean you want him to show he cares and he doesn't make you feel cared for. Yes I think that is enough grounds to move on as these things become soul destroying.

but when I fell down the stairs and was screaming he didn’t even look at my ankle or ask how bad it was, just asked what I’d done (with zero concern) then carried on making himself a sandwich.

That's not lack of affection. That's absolute contempt.

YANBU

You deserve love and affection OP, it’s as important and if not more important than an individual being ‘hard working, intelligent and respectable.’ I query the last adjective as personally have no respect for your DH after reading these scenarios, I’m confused as to how he could be so cold, do you show him affection when he is poorly and ask him how his day is? If so how does he react to this “pandering?”

So sorry about your dog too she sounds beautiful 💐

Definitely think of getting a new dog, they seem to understand human need more than most humans