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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to expect care and affection from DH?

108 replies

Akindelle · 22/08/2020 13:46

If I feel poorly my DH won’t stroke my head or rub my back, or say anything nice like “aww sweetie you look pale, shall I make you a cup of tea”. He regards this as “pandering” to me. Other things he regards as pandering are: asking me how I feel, showing any type of concern, cuddling me when I cry, or any show of affection like rubbing my hand or tucking my hair behind my ear. He never posts on social media “proud of my wife”, “isn’t she beautiful in this photo”, “feeling blessed to have this lovely lady in my life”, or any of the other things that friends partners post about them.

We’ve been together for 11 years and I can’t cope any more. I want to be loved and cared about like others obviously are. Does your partner love and care about you? Is my DH’s behaviour normal? AIBU to consider leaving him for this?

YANBU = his behaviour is unacceptable
YABU = his behaviour is fine

OP posts:
Nogoodusername · 22/08/2020 15:24

After reading your update OP, I do think your DH sounds mean and cold to you (still wouldn’t want any SM posting though!) - have you ever asked him why he doesn’t show you any kindness when you know that he is capable of it with others?

PreggersMcPreggers · 22/08/2020 15:27

There are other ways to be loved than via social media.

I see plenty of those kind of "loving" posts, posted by people with terrible awful relationships.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 22/08/2020 15:30

Would he go to couples counselling?
If he won’t engage with you and work on your marriage I can’t see how you can stay with him. The marriage sounds totally joyless and you sound very unhappy, understandably.

Original poster
Akindelle · 22/08/2020 15:31

It's one thing for someone to not be like that at all, another for them to make a show of helping others and being responsive to their needs, but dismissing yours
I honestly think it’s just for show. He wants to be seen as Nice and he knows how Nice People act, so that’s what he does. But behind closed doors his real personality comes out and he doesn’t have to be socially acceptable or pretend. When the lady fainted at Christmas he was all caring and kind, then on the way home he said he can’t stand her and her fake illness, there’s nothing wrong with her and she’s just attention seeking. So I guess if it was me who fainted he would just have said that outright.

OP posts:
IlovecatsyesIdo · 22/08/2020 15:31

Many posters are focusing on your initial post but your subsequent posts show the true reasons for your unhappiness. Your DH sounds like he has turned into some kind of robot with you but he is perfectly nice, kind and thoughtful with others. What has changed so much since having DC?

ittakes2 · 22/08/2020 15:32

I think you need to stop comparing your relationship and life to others. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors so maybe other people’s lives look better than your’s to you but they might hate them. My husband doesn’t do those things you want your husband to do - but he does other things that mean more to me.
Decide what you want and if your hubby can not provide those things for you maybe it’s time you become single and look for someone who can. But remember the grass is not always greener.

Redraptor · 22/08/2020 15:32

After your op I was firmly in the yabu camp. Social media posts are fake and you seem very very needy

After your update I'm split, his actions when you fell down the stairs were awful

You seem very incompatible. You're a needy person, that in itself would work fine with someone else but it's not working with your dh

nanbread · 22/08/2020 15:34

Sounds uncaring and mean towards you, and generally self centred. What are his good points?

Homemadearmy · 22/08/2020 15:39

The lack of mushy posts wouldn't bother me. My ex used to tell everyone how much he loved me etc, but I think actions speak louder than words. Ive never rest been one for expecting special treatment when pregnant. But I was always a little hurt that he never made any effort to pamper me. I think I finally realised how little he cared when I picked up the worse stomach bug I've ever had when I was 7 months pregnant. Horrible stomach cramps and vomiting until there was nothing left. Then still heaving. He didn't even come upstairs to see how I was.

Original poster
Akindelle · 22/08/2020 15:41

What has changed so much since having DC?
Firstly I suppose he doesn’t have to pretend to be nice any more to suck me in, like he did before I was tied down by marriage and a baby. Secondly I feel like he’s distanced himself from me in order to distance himself from the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Akindelle · 22/08/2020 15:43

Then still heaving. He didn't even come upstairs to see how I was
When I was pregnant and vomiting during the night, DH stayed in bed, while my lovely old dog dragged herself out of bed to follow me to the bathroom and cuddled me while I puked. I remember thinking that I know who loves me more.

OP posts:
KooKooKachu · 22/08/2020 15:47

@TidyDancer

Ok your update does make him sound a bit cold. But at the same time you do some a slight bit dramatic, so possibly he's clocked that he shouldn't feed into that? I'm not trying to be harsh, but when someone has a tendency to be needy and dramatic I don't think endorsing that with attention is a good idea.

He certainly should've showed some care when your dog died though.

I'd actually say the opposite is true. If the OPs genuine needs were met with her DH's concern (as it should be), there would be nothing to 'feed into'. The natural give and take of a healthy relationship would be at the core of it. OP isn't displaying attention seeking behaviour. She is behaving normally, and her feelings are not being acknowledged. If they were being acknowledged, this topic wouldn't be a 'thing'.

I dont think the OP sounds dramatic at all, it all sounds like fairly normal stuff and her husband is completely unfeeling. No wonder she is drawing comparisons to how he treats others.

I think the social media thing is a complete red herring. OP is clearly looking for ANY form of affection, whether that's outwardly for the world to see, but more importantly, privately, where it clearly isn't happening.

Hope my ramblings make sense.

ShitStain · 22/08/2020 15:53

He’s probably a narcissist.

Putting on a show to others but not giving a shit about you. It’s all about him in his world.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 22/08/2020 15:55

Your lovely old dog sounded like a darling, I am sorry she passed away. If she could show you love and affection and your own DH doesn’t in situations like that I think that tells you all you need to know about him doesn’t it?

It’s my first time of ever saying this but LTB.
Life is too short to live like this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2020 15:55

OP, if you’re not happy and don’t feel supported, you can end your marriage. You deserve to feel valued and a spouse is supposed to make life easier and more joyful.

snappycamper · 22/08/2020 15:59

Ok your update does make him sound a bit cold. But at the same time you do some a slight bit dramatic, so possibly he's clocked that he shouldn't feed into that? I'm not trying to be harsh, but when someone has a tendency to be needy and dramatic I don't think endorsing that with attention is a good idea.

This. You sound like a total drama queen and I can completely understand why he doesn't engage with it. My OH is a total hypochondriac and so I don't indulge ANY of his moans about his various aches and pains and health worries because it only makes him worse.

Kaiserin · 22/08/2020 16:04

OP, your husband sounds like a heartless twat. And more than half of AIBU posters also are heartless twats, and of course agree with him.

ComputersaysRAVE · 22/08/2020 16:09

Sounds like you have different "love" languages.

From your updates he seems to be a fan of acts of service and sees himself as primary earner and doing some chores as showing his type of affection.

I mean you're not happy and doesn't seem like you have been for a while so you either open up the dialogue to express this or yanno leave it, build resentment and then either detach from the relationship or blow up over a small inconvenience

Lillygolightly · 22/08/2020 16:25

You don’t sound dramatic to me OP

I would expect to:

Be asked about my day,
I would expect a cuddle if my pet died,
I would expect to be asked if I’m ok following an accident or injury.

Your not asking for huge declarations of love here, you just asking or wanting him to show you some care and interest in how you are!! I mean isn’t that the usual greeting we all give to each other hello, how are you? It normal to expect that as a minimum, bloody customer service lines will ask you how you are or how your day is going, so why wouldn’t you expect it from your husband or partner!!!

My own DH can be lacking in the sympathy department himself. I have an illness which can flare up, and I suppose he’s just got used to me being ill. He can eye roll about it or sulk when I’m having a flare. This makes me really really angry, I could understand his reluctance or annoyed if I was expecting to be coddled or taken care of in terms of him fetching me tea/chocolate/water bottles or whatever else. The thing is I don’t do any of that, I can’t stand being ill and hate being off my feet, I generally stick my head down and get on with it and deal with everything myself. It would just be nice if he could ask me how I’m feeling without it being tinged with sarcasm. He will stay stuff, like ill again are you, so I get how lonely this can feel. It’s funny too because he loves and wants to be coddled when he is ill, upset or hurt. He is good to me in other ways though, otherwise what’s the point! Is your DH good to you in other ways, or in any way at all??!

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2020 16:45

It sounds miserable
Why are you with someone who obviously doesn't care about you?

MactheRover · 22/08/2020 17:10

He is a heartless cunt. Tell him to shape up or ship out, you deserve better in life.

Thurmanmurman · 22/08/2020 17:53

Half unreasonable. My DH doesn’t post on SM and I’d find it fake and cringeworthy if he did. He’s not the most romantic/tactile man in the world but he makes me a cuppa in bed every morning does stuff like sorting out the car (which I’m capable of but he knows I hate), he’s supportive of my business and I know he’d be there if I was upset. He’s not great when I’m ill though but then I’m a horrible patient so can’t really blame him!

ClementineWoolysocks · 22/08/2020 18:02

He never posts on social media “proud of my wife”, “isn’t she beautiful in this photo”, “feeling blessed to have this lovely lady in my life”, or any of the other things that friends partners post about them

I would legit vomit if my other half did this, no one I know does this, it's not normal. I also wouldn't want my back rubbed or my head stroked if I was ill, that's a good way to make me feel worse.
He is however very affectionate, I'm not short of hugs and kisses. I know that I'm deeply loved and cared for.
Are you getting anything out of this relationship that makes you happy?

Icloud54 · 22/08/2020 18:25

I couldn't be with a man like that, what's stopping you leaving?

Truthlikeness · 22/08/2020 18:38

It sounds like he doesn't feel emotion. He faked it to get you into a relationship with him and he fakes it in social settings. I don't think he'll ever change and you need to decide what to do on that basis.

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