... to expect care and affection from DH?

[Akindelle]

If I feel poorly my DH won’t stroke my head or rub my back, or say anything nice like “aww sweetie you look pale, shall I make you a cup of tea”. He regards this as “pandering” to me. Other things he regards as pandering are: asking me how I feel, showing any type of concern, cuddling me when I cry, or any show of affection like rubbing my hand or tucking my hair behind my ear. He never posts on social media “proud of my wife”, “isn’t she beautiful in this photo”, “feeling blessed to have this lovely lady in my life”, or any of the other things that friends partners post about them.

We’ve been together for 11 years and I can’t cope any more. I want to be loved and cared about like others obviously are. Does your partner love and care about you? Is my DH’s behaviour normal? AIBU to consider leaving him for this?

YANBU = his behaviour is unacceptable
YABU = his behaviour is fine

I don't think eithers wrong. But both of your expectations are.

You expect him to be prince charming - reality check, no one is. Lots of those gushing men on Facebook will be lazy shits behind closed doors.

He expects a marriage to be happy without any affection, which it won't.

Couples counselling i think.

he calls other people fake but puts on a show of caring for them-id call that fake

he sounds like a prick-my dh doesnt necessarily fuss over me and i dont over him but hes always been that way

he doesnt say its pandering though

After some advice I’ve been in a marriage for 13 years. Before Christmas we had a massive argument which ending up being a blessing in disguise as we were able to stop pretending and agreed we were more like friends and parents rather than a married couple. There hasn’t been any form of affection in our marriage for the past five years Inc sex or hugging. It’s not until we have spoken about it that I realised that it matters to me and I feel really lonely as a result. I think working alternative shifts and having a young child and general busy life has attributed to this. I’ve tried offering affection to him the past few weeks and he doesn’t offer any back, it just feels awkward prob for us both. Although I know deep down he cares he really doesn’t show it ie I went for a breast scan after finding a lump and he showed no cause of concern. I got upset one day over Xmas and he said “what the F is wrong with you” and stormed out of the house. They are just two examples. Not trying to paint him as a monster as he’s far from it. I find he always puts me down, Im no domestic queen but I work a lot of hours and I find when he is having digs at me it’s just draining. When things are good he’s like my best friend and when things aren’t so good it’s like living with a moody lodger who is the father of my child. I still love him but can’t stop thinking about wanting more out of a marriage. It’s so hard thinking into the future as I feel so torn - part of me wants to fight for our marriage and the other part thinks you only get one life and maybe it’s time to call it a day. I guess I feel deflated after having that chat thinking we’d both make an effort but he’s back to being a closed book. He’s said he’s feeling depressed (this has just been lately possibly due to covid and not seeing his family) but he won’t go to his GP. Anyway sorry for long post (it’s my first ever one) just don’t know where to turn or what to do next? Ps I know he wouldn’t want to try marriage counselling so that’s not an option x

@ShebaShimmyShake

It's surely obvious that things like social media and hair tucking are just examples of loving and appreciative behaviour, and the real issue is that OP feels neither loved nor appreciated. And nor would I if my husband considered it "pandering" to do as much as make a cup of tea when I was ill.

... ShebaShimmyShake nails it. Also MarkRuffaloCrumble, really great post.

I'm not a particularly loving or demonstrative person but even I can read between the lines without posting some vacuous, dismissive and irrelevant trope.

OP, you don't need anybody's permission to expect better and leave a relationship that is making you feel so unworthy of care. I think you've made a very keen assessment of his view of you. You deserve someone who doesn't make you write the posts you have.

It’s hard to say without knowing if he truly feels empathy in other situations or if it’s just him mechanically acting a role and pretending to care. If it’s the former, then some of the things you’ve said he’s done are callously indifferent and I’d say it looks like he doesn’t care enough about you to be worth you staying with him.

On the other hand, if it’s the latter and he’s genuinely unable to show normal human empathy and, consequently, not express it sincerely, it could be a sign of something way beyond him just being indifferent. You’ve hinted at him being kind to others to almost show off about how nice he can be, like a role play. There’s a part of the brain which usually deals with emotional processing and feeling, and in certain people such as psychopaths, it doesn’t work properly. However, some people affected can still copy and feign the emotion. So, when you’re screaming in pain after falling and he ignores you, he’s either an utterly disgusting arse or he’s genuinely indifferent as he isn’t registering your panic.

Just adding ^ not cuddling your own wife when her dog dies or if she’s crying is really not normal at all, which is why I mentioned the above. Psychopaths are pretty misunderstood but there’s one in my family who is successful, married etc so I have seen this behaviour first hand, by the way.

Two years ago I developed a dreadful stomach bug in the middle of the night bodily fluids from both ends 🤦‍♀️ fortunately I had for whatever reason had slept that night in the spare room which also fortunately had an en suite. In the morning my DH as well as bringing me the usual cup of morning tea also brought me buttered toast. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I really couldn't face any food. I certainly would not call that pandering in any way shape or form. The same way when he isn't well I do whatever is needed. What does he expect from you when he isn't well.

He will never gush on SM and we are not a really touchy feely couple but will hold hands sometimes when out walking and if I need a hug he will always oblige. Not sure how to advise you but is there any way he would consider counselling. It must be very lonely for you and if you were to say that you can't continue like this and you need to reevaluate your relationship how would he react.

“let me have a look... oh that looks sore... don’t worry honey it’ll be fine, you rest and I’ll put the kettle on

No one speaks or interacts with their partner, it seems your view of how couples interact with one another seems based on corny Hollywood films rather than real life.

Stitches are uncomfortable, everyone vknkws that, unless he's a doctor or nurse he won't be able to do anything. I would not expect a partner to come and watch me spew my guts up either.

TBF he seems like a knob, but your behaviour seems attention seeking and OTT at times.

Some of your reactions seem over dramatic and seem as a way of trying to solicit the need for attention that is currently unmet.
He's become immune to and he doesn't react to the drama, so you become more and more and more dramatic, he becomes more detached until you're trapped in a vicious circle.