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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not give him my blessing?

174 replies

Oscarsmom · 21/08/2020 15:57

My dad was arrested and cautioned for accessing illegal porn. My mum died around the same time (6 years ago)

He has now met a woman he wants to start a relationship with. He says that he isn't going to tell her.

He has never been a physical threat, and has undergone counselling for what he refers to as his addiction.

We have all been through hell with this. We had to wait 2 years while the police got around to cautioning him - during that time, he wasn't allowed to discuss the nature of what he had been looking at, so our imaginations were running riot. They found 9 Category C images on his laptop.

We are only just starting to piece things back together. I've been suffering with severe anxiety and panic attacks throughout it all.

He is 79, and I understand he wants companionship but think it would be immoral and dishonest of him to not tell this woman, as I would want to know.

I'm interested to hear what other people think. AIBU to not give him my blessing?

OP posts:

Angelina82 · 21/08/2020 22:31

I’m sorry you’ve been through such a tough time over the last 6 years OP and no YANBU to not give your dad your blessing. And if this lady has grandchildren, the only decent thing to do is to warn her about your dad’s past if he isn’t going to own up to It himself.

MJMG2015 · 21/08/2020 22:35

Post and run....now there's a surprise.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 21/08/2020 22:41

I'd make a request under is it Sarah's Law to the police myself and ask. Does he have access to "oscar" or any children anywhere. He had 9 images. Countless more viewed and its not porn. The chance is illegal images of children -why are you having any contact with him ?? I wouldn't. And yes, I would tell her and her children.

maybelaterdear · 21/08/2020 22:50

What an awful few years it must have been for you.I can understand how ashamed you must feel but remember your dad is his own man & none of this is a reflection on you.x

njf33 · 22/08/2020 00:38

It's unlikely he'd be on the register or subject to a SHPO given that he only received a caution.

Even if he was, that would have been for a defined period of time, so given that this offence was 6 years ago, he may well no longer be on the register now (if he ever was that is - which we simply don't know).

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest that isn't how it works. The police will have carried out detailed investigations on all his computer equipment (PC, laptop, tablet, phone - basically every device in his home capable of viewing or storing digital images). If he had viewed more than 9 images, then the police would have found evidence of this, and most likely charged him.

As I've said above, the fact it was such a small number suggests he'd not deliberately set out to seek those images, whatever their nature.

As for accepting the caution, let's look at it in context. He's a bereaved man in his 70s. I'm sure he felt a deep sense of shame in relation just to viewing porn, let alone the images in question. Did he have a solicitor? Possibly not, again would an elderly man in that situation, feeling ashamed, refuse legal representation? Should he have accepted the caution? Again we can't know. If this was completely unintentional/ accidental (it's rare but it does happen, again the number of images makes that a possibility) maybe he should have refused the caution, however if he was charged there's a risk of a more serious outcome. Which again, he may have wanted to avoid. Many people accept cautions simply to make something go away. That might be the case here.

However as I don't think the OP is coming back, this is likely to all remain conjecture.

NinkiNonkiNikau · 22/08/2020 02:54

Sadly my father had this. Turned out it was topless pics of a teen girl 16/17 I think. Horrible feeling having to deal with it all and not letting him be near the DC’s

PonfusedCarent · 22/08/2020 10:28

@NinkiNonkiNikau Perhaps I'm wrong but your post reads as though you think that was acceptable? What happens when you have a DC who is suddenly a 16/17 year old. What is your father thinking about them then?

PonfusedCarent · 22/08/2020 10:31

Also @Oscarsmom of course I'd tell her, whatever it was. Everyone has a right to make educated choices in their relationships this is a massive one. He admitted guilt and 9 pictures is still 9 pictures.

Nottherealslimshady · 22/08/2020 10:35

Category C is child abuse porn. He's a paedohpile. No one should be with a known paedophile against their will. If anyone found out she could be lumped in with him, could lose access to beloved grandchildren, lose friends and family. I'd tell her.

Queenofthestress · 22/08/2020 13:54

Isn't catagory c images children in suggestive poses but clothed? Aka still child porn, and she should still be warned

cabbageking · 22/08/2020 13:58

You know him better than anyone. You know his morals and if this was down to grief, an error he is mortified about. Don't judge him solely on this without finding out what he viewed and why.

A caution is an admission of guilt and viewing porn can be via an email sent to you. View his actions when you have more info. Perhaps discuss with him what info he has shared with her already.

Then consider what giving your blessing to him means. He did not need to ask you and clearly it matters to him. Only you know the man.

legalseagull · 22/08/2020 19:15

@njf33 a caution for this results in two years notification requirements - on the sex offenders register.

njf33 · 22/08/2020 22:03

legalseagull assuming that's correct, the OP says this happened 6 years ago and the caution was 2 years later, so even if he was on the register he won't be now.

Cabbageking that's a really measured and helpful post. If the OP is still reading, I hope she feels able to follow that advice.

NinkiNonkiNikau · 22/08/2020 22:04

@PonfusedCarent I am not sure where the fuck you got that impression. I was giving an example of what cat C is. You have no idea what my family and I went through so how about you not make unwarranted assumptions.

NinkiNonkiNikau · 22/08/2020 22:15

And by the way we didn’t see the man for over a year then we only had minimal contact and never unsupervised. Also, as I thought it would be obvious, the woman should be told.

LonginesPrime · 22/08/2020 22:34

OP, what do you mean by 'give your blessing'?

Is he asking you to collude in the deception, not to tell her, to signal your approval to him or what?

I don't understand what you're being asked to do nor why you're involved.

lakesidesummer · 22/08/2020 23:14

I don't think this needs to be about judging his past actions.
It is about ensuring his future actions are safe for potentially vulnerable people around him.
It is profoundly disrespectful to start a relationship with someone without letting them know that you have been on the sex offender register and accepted a caution for possession of indecent images.
Regardless of the reasons for his behavior in the past it doesn't seem as though he is capable of putting this lady's welfare above his own.
It is surely a red flag to behave this way in his current relationship, leaving aside the way he behaved in the past.

LolaSkoda · 22/08/2020 23:29

I always wonder how the police find these images. What is the context? Generally, the police don’t show up at your house to do random checks on your computer?

Very odd. But then to give the context, it would make it harder to minimise.

Grapewrath · 22/08/2020 23:33

If it was accidental then how would the police know about it? Surely clicking a link and seeing something you don’t like and back off from isn’t flagged up?
There is no context so it’s impossible to say if the OP is being unreasonable or not really.

PonfusedCarent · 22/08/2020 23:54

@NinkiNonkiNikau Perhaps it was the way I read it. Having been a victim of sexual abuse as a child, I'm overly cautious when it comes to the downplaying of scenarios that families can entertain to fit the family picture.

LonginesPrime · 23/08/2020 04:47

I always wonder how the police find these images. What is the context? Generally, the police don’t show up at your house to do random checks on your computer?

Well if he didn't make the images he obviously got them from somewhere else, presumably online.

So they likely picked up his activity at the other end and traced it to his (and others') home computers.

OhCaptain · 23/08/2020 09:57

And by the way we didn’t see the man for over a year then we only had minimal contact and never unsupervised

Sorry @NinkiNonkiNikau but I can’t for the life of me understand your position if you’ve had firsthand experience of this.

You went off at that poster for assuming you were ok with it but that’s how your post read to me, too. And then you go on to say that ^

Contact is still contact.

This isn’t one of those crimes where you pay your dues to society and that’s it.

Sexual attraction to and abuse of children doesn’t go away. It shouldn’t be forgiven. And they shouldn’t have access to children, supervised or otherwise.

Because yes, by continuing a relationship you are essentially saying you’re ok with it and ok with parading your children around in front of someone who is likely to at least think about them sexually let alone try to get the opportunity to act on it.

ajs88 · 23/08/2020 11:22

I think the woman should know but he should tell her

NinkiNonkiNikau · 24/08/2020 03:00

We only resumed contact because the image was actually one of those ‘hilarious’ birthday cards with a topless girl who looked late teens. It was investigated ( whilst we had zero contact) and determined to not be an issue and charges dropped. I did check this was the case with the police in that county. Post issue all contact was minimal and supervised. All I had wanted to contribute to this thread was that cat c images are not always of sexual images of a minor.

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