AIBU to not give him my blessing?

[Oscarsmom]

My dad was arrested and cautioned for accessing illegal porn. My mum died around the same time (6 years ago)

He has now met a woman he wants to start a relationship with. He says that he isn't going to tell her.

He has never been a physical threat, and has undergone counselling for what he refers to as his addiction.

We have all been through hell with this. We had to wait 2 years while the police got around to cautioning him - during that time, he wasn't allowed to discuss the nature of what he had been looking at, so our imaginations were running riot. They found 9 Category C images on his laptop.

We are only just starting to piece things back together. I've been suffering with severe anxiety and panic attacks throughout it all.

He is 79, and I understand he wants companionship but think it would be immoral and dishonest of him to not tell this woman, as I would want to know.

I'm interested to hear what other people think. AIBU to not give him my blessing?

She absolutely needs to know.

You can't be cautioned unless you accept a caution :)

That is kind of what I meant. He doesn't have a conviction but he has accepted a caution and therefore the validity of the charges.

It is impossible for us to know if he a prolific porn viewer who scooped up some child sex abuse images or someone with a more focused interest.
He could have been exploring a developing interest, using the images to trade for other images that interested him more ( probably unlikely as they were cat C) or picked them up unknowingly.

His online behavior triggered police interest which was followed through to a caution.

Given this is a CP issue ensuring that this lady is informed seems a basic safety step so she could protect any children she may bring into contact with him. It may be he isn't a risk but he could be.

She really does need to know as she probably has grand children.

If it was child abuse imagery you must disclose it to her. Your father may never offend again but if he were to abuse a child and you knew of the caution and heightened risk and said nothing, you would never forgive yourself.

Without the OP's clarification we can't know what her father was referring to in terms of addiction - Porn? Generally unsavoury websites? Viewing images of CSA?

You can't immediately assume the latter.

As for potentially trading images, if there was any hint of that the police would most likely have charged him rather than just giving a caution. If it took 2 years to get to a caution they obviously took extensive steps to search all his computer equipment and check there was no more to it than those 9 images.

I doubt we will see the OP again after you've all accused her father of being a paedophile. There are other type of 'illegal porn' that don't involve child abuse! Maybe hold off on the paedophile hunting until OP has clarified what kind of images they were.

I think everybody should have a right to know all criminal convictions/cautions/history a person has before getting involved in a serious relationship. Therefore OP I would tell her myself if your father isn't willing to.

Sorry if I missed it. But where does OP say it's child images.

I agree op this is something she deserves to know

@Viviennemary

Sorry if I missed it. But where does OP say it's child images.

The OP hasn't said that it's just the assumption everyone's leapt to.

Yes you should tell her. And then you should question why you are allowing this man to be in your children’s lives.

Because it’s not just about danger of physical abuse contrary to what some here say. And contrary to your own minimising of things.

It’s about not allowing a predator to be allowed to enjoy a normal, loving, family life.

They don’t deserve that. And yes, all offenders aren’t created equal but they are ALL dangerous criminals who partake in the sexual abuse of children whether that’s by carrying out the physical attacks or creating a market for them.

Thanks Clementine. I think the OP needs to clarify before anybody can make a judgement. If if was me I would contact the police and ask their advice if I thought it meant anyone was at risk.

OP has described then as illegal Category C images.
The most usual definition of of Category C is in the Indecent images of children, which are graded A, B and C.
Although indecent images including animals could I believe be included.

The OP never mentions children at all. That is jumping to a conclusion.

The images may have been in a job lot of other porn. In this case those images were illegal. We don't know whether he accessed them and didn't like them or whether he sought them out. 9 is not many in this context which would indicate he didn't spend a lot of time chasing down those sorts of images.

Sounds as if he turned to porn after the loss of a partner. In his seventies with limited chance of a sexual relationship he turned to porn. He got addicted and the further into it he got the more extreme the images were. Some of the images went a bit far. He has dealt with it. The police have dealt with it.

Of course I may be wrong but that is more likely than the supposition that he is a child abuser which would be dealt with more strictly and which the OP did not mention.

I am not defending porn by the way or the OP's father - I am just going back to the OP to see what she actually said.

If it is images of child abuse, she needs to know. Regardless of whether she has grandchildren, it's not something that can be ignored. It's not like a caution for shoplifting or being drunk and disorderly.

OP, do you actually know the full and truthful extent of what your dad has done?

I would recommend making a child sex offenders disclosure scheme request on behalf of his new partner. You can also do it for yourself if you don't believe what your dad has told you. If the police consider his new partner, her children or grandchildren at risk then they will disclose the facts to her. They do not have to disclose who made the request, other than saying it's a third party.

so basically child porn is his thing...what if this woman has grandchildren who he then has access to and something happens. Its a hard call but I would never want to even be in the same room as someone who craves those kind of images. I really feel for this poor woman.

Without a doubt she needs to know, YANBU

Cautioned not convicted.

If the police didn’t pursue a conviction and he isn’t on the sex offender register then I think it’s not appropriate to tell her.

If he was considered a risk the police would have charged him and if convicted she would have been informed if there was a risk to her grandchildren.

I’d feel differently if he was convicted but a caution is just that. He hasn’t been proven guilty of anything in a court of law.

It’s not something you say at the start of a relationship. It’s somethng you disclose when it becomes serious. And it was just a caution. No charges, no fines, no sentence. This means it could have been accidental and unintentional. .

@PlanDeRaccordement

Completely agree.

And I’m not clear how not blessing the union becomes disclosing his caution.

Given your username, OP, I am also concerned about whether you've been allowing your dad access to YOUR child. It seems like you've been quite close with him through this, er, ordeal. Is he being allowed to see his grandchild even though you don't know what the images were? Horrifying.

It should be her choice if she wants to be around a man who was convicted of such an offence.

Focusing on the practical side only cause I can't cope with the rest. Tell him she needs to be told. Then ask him if he did. If he says he didn't, tell her yourself. If he says he did, mention in passing thank you for being understand of said offence. If he has lied about it you'll both know the truth.

I was told by my ex that his previous partner was just trying to ruin his life. I believed him until the sentence didn't fit his BS story.

@MMN123

I agree with your post too. A caution doesn’t mean guilty. It means there is no evidence to charge him with any crime whatsoever and so he’s received advice to be careful. This means he probably clicked on a link, was shocked and back out immediately. They know how many seconds you are on a webpage. It’s not his word this would be based on. And a 70+ person could very well not be fully up to date on internet safety.
And besides the OP is his daughter, she has no right to go to a prospective friend/companion for her father and just sabotage it with inflated accusations.

Only indecent images of children are categorised.
Images involving animals would fall under extreme pornography.
The caution will relate to indecent images of children.
Do you know anything further about how the images were found to be on your dads computer OP?
Do you have children yourself? If you don’t know the full circumstance and your children have contact with your dad you could request a Sarah’s law disclosure to find out more. Are you sure you are being told the truth?
Personally I would need to tell his partner. I couldn’t live with myself if something were to happen and I hadn’t spoken up.