Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not give him my blessing?

174 replies

Oscarsmom · 21/08/2020 15:57

My dad was arrested and cautioned for accessing illegal porn. My mum died around the same time (6 years ago)

He has now met a woman he wants to start a relationship with. He says that he isn't going to tell her.

He has never been a physical threat, and has undergone counselling for what he refers to as his addiction.

We have all been through hell with this. We had to wait 2 years while the police got around to cautioning him - during that time, he wasn't allowed to discuss the nature of what he had been looking at, so our imaginations were running riot. They found 9 Category C images on his laptop.

We are only just starting to piece things back together. I've been suffering with severe anxiety and panic attacks throughout it all.

He is 79, and I understand he wants companionship but think it would be immoral and dishonest of him to not tell this woman, as I would want to know.

I'm interested to hear what other people think. AIBU to not give him my blessing?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2020 21:11

And IMO it doesn't matter if she has grandchildren or not. The fact is that any woman deserves to know about a man's criminal past before she decides to get involved.

MMN123 · 21/08/2020 21:12

@kungfupannda

Former criminal lawyer here. A caution most certainly does require a full admission of guilt. It’s quite a strict procedure, and I occasionally had an inspector refuse to issue a caution because it became clear that the client was backing away from the admission or hadn’t fully understood the implications. I also had the odd re-interview to make sure the criteria were met when a caution was on the table. It goes on your criminal record, and has to be declared in many situations.
And presumably if there was a child safeguarding concern there would be a process for reviewing the family situation periodically?
dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 21:13

Everyone crying child porn it could be porn involving animals and no children at all

lakesidesummer · 21/08/2020 21:14

has undergone counselling for what he refers to as his addiction.

We also know that he has received counseling for "an addiction" relating to this caution.

We don't know if this is in relation to the indecent images or other issues but there was obviously a problem.

drspouse · 21/08/2020 21:15

I don't think anyone has read the OP. She does NOT want to give him her blessing.

dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 21:17

@Aquamarine1029

He has never been a physical threat

You can't possibly be sure of that. What if this woman has grandchildren who could be exposed to your father? Of course you need to tell her. I'm wondering why you allow your father to have a place in your life, honestly.

You don't know the porn involves children!

Could be animals and no children involved what so ever

kungfupannda · 21/08/2020 21:17

Very much depends on the circumstances. There should have been an assessment at least. Some sex offence cautions can put you on the register.

lakesidesummer · 21/08/2020 21:17

@dwiz8 a Cat C picture?

dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 21:18

[quote lakesidesummer]@dwiz8 a Cat C picture?
[/quote]
Yes

Cat C is the most mild and can involve animals with adult humans

Tbh cat A can involve animals (but often with children instead of adults)

legalseagull · 21/08/2020 21:18

@DrDetriment

If it's children then she needs to know. But I'm guessing C could also be animals. You need to find out what it was really in order to know what to do. Either way as a partner I'd want to know but is it up to you to tell her?
It's not. It's just children. Animal porn is only category A or a separate offence of Extreme Pornography. Category C images tend to be images of children naked or unclothed but alone for example
legalseagull · 21/08/2020 21:20

@njf33

OP, I'll fly in the face of the pitchfork wavers on the thread who because they lack the critical thinking to differentiate between a grooming/ abuse offence and this, will tell you he should be in prison and you are complicit, etc. Please ignore that hyperbole.

As to your dad, I think let him deal with it as he sees fit. He was cautioned by the police, that's an indication of how they and the CPS viewed the level of offending. It was 6 years ago at a time when he had just lost your mum (presumably after a marriage of 30-40 years or more). The number of images suggests more of an accidental than a deliberate seeking out (I have some knowledge of these type of offences in a professional capacity and it's very unusual for the offender not to have hundreds or even thousands of images on their computer after just viewing a few pages). I'll await someone piping up that I'm minimising. I'm not. He's accepted the caution, sought help - he's done everything that could be expected of him.

I actually think that the lady may understand if he explained it carefully and in context. However it is understandable that he would be fearful of an adverse reaction or being branded a 'paedo'...at his time of life just let him be happy. He's clearly not a threat to anyone (and again, if the police thought he was, if there was anything aggravated about the offence, he would have been prosecuted and given a SHPO/ put on the register. He wasn't).

I couldn't forgive - but this is correct. Most people found with images that have been deliberately downloaded have hundreds, of not thousands of images. I still couldn't forgive him though
oakleaffy · 21/08/2020 21:20

''illegal porn'' {never heard of any categories} but if it is illegal, that surely means Child porn...Which is inexcusable.

Men who watch such stuff are abusers, and children have been abused in the making of this appalling stuff.
She needs to know.
Ask any child who has been defiled by an elderly man, elderly men are just as damaging as younger ones. Age is no excuse.

lakesidesummer · 21/08/2020 21:21

I think sexual activity with animals are automatically cat A.

dwiz8 · 21/08/2020 21:23

@legalseagull not necessarily

At the prison I work in we have a couple of offenders with cat C animal related images in their file (obviously were convicted for other, worse offences)

The images were photoshopped animals with adult human genitalia attached to them and suggestive images of humans with animals which didn't go so far as to be thought of as 'sexual activity'

Rare but not unheard of for animal related cat C images

lakesidesummer · 21/08/2020 21:25

Ok @dwiz8, I'd only come across cat A with animals but incidentally as my work is with dc not perpetrators.

lakesidesummer · 21/08/2020 21:27

Although I'm going to suggest this person's new girlfriend should also be warned if it is animals he has a caution for.

Bobbiepin · 21/08/2020 21:45

Violence involving animals is often a precursor to more extreme violent behaviour with adults. Yes, it's images but it's a worrying trend.

MMN123 · 21/08/2020 21:45

@lakesidesummer

Although I'm going to suggest this person's new girlfriend should also be warned if it is animals he has a caution for.
I’m sure the police would warn her if they felt that was the case.
Emmelina · 21/08/2020 21:46

Did OP ever return?

Imworthit · 21/08/2020 21:47

It's obvious from ops post that she wanted anonymity for any innocent parties involved. Not to discuss the nature of the incident but as to how to navigate the aftermath for those innocently affected

buggeroffvirus · 21/08/2020 21:50

You show show the woman some respect and tell her, she has a right to know.
I do not understand how you can say that he has never been a physical threat.
Are you telling us that images of children were involved ?.
Anyone who watches child porn of any level is a cog in the wheel of child abuse. Any child he has been watching on film has been abused and he has colluded with the abusers.
By not wanting the woman to know he is thinking of his own needs as most abusers do.
Please do the right thing.

Irelate · 21/08/2020 21:58

I agree with njf33

backseatcookers · 21/08/2020 22:06

@dwiz8

Everyone crying child porn it could be porn involving animals and no children at all
Christ your standards are low aren't they. If a woman in your life started dating a man with a caution for watching bestiality you wouldn't have wanted her to be aware of that caution to make an informed decision. In fact, if you started seeing someone and then found out he had a caution for watching porn involving animals, you wouldn't be put off no?
backseatcookers · 21/08/2020 22:07

@dwiz8

Everyone crying child porn it could be porn involving animals and no children at all
Oh and there's no such thing as "child porn". There are images of children for sexual gratification or images of sexual abuse. It's extremely outdated to describe something as "porn" if it involves a child is being sexually objectified or sexually assaulted.
lakesidesummer · 21/08/2020 22:25

I’m sure the police would warn her if they felt that was the case.

If he is on the sex offender register following his caution he would need to disclose if a child was in the house for 12 hours a day or more.
Or if he is going on holiday.
My understanding is that there would be no requirement to inform the police that he was starting an adult relationship.
The police are not going to be aware that this lady is starting a relationship with this person so won't inform her of anything.