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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wise mums please help with dilemma

128 replies

Gabbss · 21/08/2020 08:53

So my dilemma is this:

DD offered excellent courses at her own schools sixth form.

DD offered ok courses at another sixth form, which aren’t as good as other sixth form when it comes to what she wants to do at university.

Now the problem is, her own school is quite a toxic environment filled with people she doesn’t feel comfortable with. I’ve said to her that it may be that new people join to which she said she saw there were only one or two different faces at the sixth form meetings.

Second place is in a college setting, even though it’d still be a-levels.

DD would like a fresh start so would be willing to settle for not so good a-level options there. All because she would like a new environment.

I really wish she would go to schools sixth form and see it as focusing on her goals and not the social aspect she’s dreading.

What would you do?

OP posts:
dancingpenguins · 21/08/2020 08:56

Mental health is so so important and toxic environments are extremely damaging , please don't make her stay! She will be miserable and her grades would no doubt suffer anyway.

Original poster
Gabbss · 21/08/2020 08:59

@dancingpenguins

Thank you, your advice is appreciated. I feel guilty for asking her to please consider the schools sixth form as she does have some nice friends there but she is still worried Sad

OP posts:
LaBelleSauvage123 · 21/08/2020 08:59

I agree - she will be more focused and enjoy her studies more if she isn’t constantly worried about other people, so may well do better even in a ‘lesser’ institution.

Original poster
Gabbss · 21/08/2020 09:00

The problem with it is the a-levels at the ‘lesser’ place aren’t in line with the career she’d like to study at University - this is the only thing that worries me.

OP posts:
minicat · 21/08/2020 09:01

I was in your daughter’s situation - my parents weren’t keen on the idea of college and I stayed at school I hated.

I ended up attempting suicide. I also failed one of my A levels.

I’m not saying that will happen to your daughter, but you aren’t listening to what she is telling you. Her school is quite a toxic environment filled with people she doesn’t feel comfortable with so she doesn’t want to stay there. There aren’t new people to join with and, even if there were, that doesn’t undo whatever difficulties there are around social hierarchy. It is not reasonable or realistic to tell her to just ignore that - you are not the one having to be there with those people.

How would you feel if you told someone you were really unhappy and surrounded by people who were the reason, and they said you had to stay there anyway?

This is not an optimum learning environment for your daughter. And you are teaching her the wrong lesson by forcing her to stay there.

Natalie654321 · 21/08/2020 09:01

What does she want to do and what are the courses at each setting?
I agree with a previous post - mental health is so important, especially for teenagers when studying and at high levels of stress already!

minicat · 21/08/2020 09:01

PS if your daughter doesn’t get on with her schoolmates, the new kids are unlikely to become her friends.

I think you’re being extremely naive.

Pimmsypimms · 21/08/2020 09:02

I agree with op re toxic environments and their effects on mental health. I would definitely leave the decision completely to her and don't try to persuade her to go to the sixth form.

Original poster
Gabbss · 21/08/2020 09:03

Thank you all, I’m being selfish and focusing on the more suitable a levels but i suppose if she does well at the ones she isn’t wanting to further her studies on she might still be able to do it at University.

OP posts:
Pinkandwhiteblossom · 21/08/2020 09:03

Life’s too short to be miserable and two years is a bloody long time when you’re still only 16.

She’ll find her way to what she wants to do if it truly is what she wants to do - don’t make her stay and have that level of anxiety.

minicat · 21/08/2020 09:04

What is it she wants to do at university?

She may not need an A level in it. In fact with some subjects like law or psychology, they’d rather you stayed away from the A level...

Original poster
Gabbss · 21/08/2020 09:04

She does have lovely friends there but is very sensitive and there’s an ex boyfriend she wants to avoid which is mainly the issue i think after speaking to her.

Part of me feels why should she miss out on good courses because her horrible ex is there

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 21/08/2020 09:04

I was in a similar situation, so I treated school like a job. I turned up for classes, but spent the rest of my time studying at home. My social life came from my part time job and my hobbies.

Pinkandwhiteblossom · 21/08/2020 09:04

Cross-post OP, well done - I think you’re making the right decision and your DD will be glad of your support!

Ontheroadtorecovery · 21/08/2020 09:05

Maybe she has been thinking about college for sometime as her way out of the environment she feels uncomfortable with and it has helped her to cope knowing she it was limited to a time. Another 2 years can feel like a very long time when your young.

icedbun5 · 21/08/2020 09:05

If she wants to go to the sixth form College she should go. I see it as the braver and more adventurous choice.

My dd is going to college for her A levels as she thought there would be less Covid disruption as the teachers only have two year groups to have to think about and because there are (hopefully) more extra curricular choices. She won’t know anyone there but I’m sure there will be other people in the same boat. The lessons are longer than GCSE years so you will spend more time with the same people so there will be more of an opportunity to get to know others there.

MiddleClassProblem · 21/08/2020 09:05

I think it depends on what it is she would study and whether she needs a course to get into that career.

Some careers you have to have studied and others, you don’t although could be advantageous.

MrsMcTats · 21/08/2020 09:06

I feel it's a decision she has to make. If you push her into your preferred choice and it's a disaster, she'll blame you. It could damage your relationship. Choosing school options is the first step into making life choices. Talk through the pros and cons with her, but say it's ultimately up to her and you'll support her whichever.

minicat · 21/08/2020 09:07

@Gabbss

She does have lovely friends there but is very sensitive and there’s an ex boyfriend she wants to avoid which is mainly the issue i think after speaking to her.

Part of me feels why should she miss out on good courses because her horrible ex is there

What do you mean by good courses versus ok ones? Do you mean the content or the subject?

If it’s the subject, who chose them? Did she pick them for a reason?

AiryFairyArtyFarty · 21/08/2020 09:07

I'd let her change, I think a good social life/mental health is as important
Would you stay in a job that made you miserable when there is another option?

icedbun5 · 21/08/2020 09:08

I also cross posted with you. And I see what you mean if you think she is goi go to get a better education at school.

minicat · 21/08/2020 09:09

My main tip is to listen to what she actually says and stop speculating about imaginary new friends.

rollonoctober · 21/08/2020 09:10

I was going to say what minicat said above - what subjects are not available that you think she should do? Are they subjects that are prerequisites for what she wants to do at uni, or just ones that you think would be helpful? Also bear in mind that she might change her mind about what she wants to do at uni, so asking her to put up with a toxic environment for 2 years on the basis of that might not be the best plan.

rollonoctober · 21/08/2020 09:11

Although seeing your update, if it is mainly about her ex, then she shouldn't be making decisions based solely on that.

minicat · 21/08/2020 09:12

@rollonoctober would you enjoy being forced to see your ex every day for two years?

Honestly, a fresh start can be a really valuable thing.