to feel so upset about DS failing most gcse's?? wise and kind words badly needed..

[AuntieMeemz]

It seems the whole world is celebrating fantastic GCSE results whilst we are writhing in pain. I know there are people with far sadder and much,much worse situations than ours, but I'm sturggling to cope with this!
DS worked really hard,he tried SOOOOO hard putting in lots of extra time after school and with a tutor yet has done far worse than all his friends. He has mild autism and his friend who has it more severe, got 10 passes. I will never,ever forget the pain of seeing his face when he opened his envelope. All his freinds were whooping with joy and he just stood there staring at the floor.
He has got a place to do something at college, but his much,much dreamed of college place, and his second choice, rejected him. He is partly over it but I had a totally sleepless night again. I just feel sick/angry/jealous/sad-though i have kept most of this from him. h DH and I really emphasised recognition for all his hard work and effort.
His predictions/reports have never been good but he had made huge steps and planned to put his everything iinto his final push for exams. We will appeal (but haven't really got a leg to stand on) and he will resit but i'm not optimistic for the future.
Have already talked to his chosen colleges, who won't change their minds, but one does have a 'special consideraton form', but as mentioned, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.
All is not lost I know, but please someone help me dig myself out of this heartbreak!
I'm feeling like bursting into tears when meeting his friends mums, (who are mostly my friends too) who tell me how fantastically their sons have done, and ask how DS did.

Bless him. He sounds like a lovely, hard working young man which will stand him in good stead for the future. And you sound like a lovely supportive Mum, which is also so important. It must be intensely disappointing, espwhen he hasn't had the chance to prove himself in the exams, and especially when so many seem to be celebrating. But it really isn't the end of the world. He has his whole life ahead of him and if it takes him a bit longer to reach his final goal that is no bad thing. In fact it can be a very positive thing. Often the children who have faced setbacks earlier on end up with a resillience and determination that really benefits them in their adult lives. My DD got knocked back quite a lot in her attempts to get on the course she wanted, but when she did get there she dealt with the stresses of the course, and indeed her subsequent employment, a lot better than some of her friends who hadn't had those difficulties earlier on. She's also got better self esteem I think, as she doesn't judge herself solely on other people's assessments. Stay positive, encourage him to keep trying and remember that there are many roads to Rome, and a lot of destinations that he might actually prefer to Rome in the end anyway.

OP, I had tears in my eyes reading your post. Your lovely lad did his best, and his work ethic in starting to revise again today is amazing. I totally get where you are coming from, I could have written that post. My lovely lad (ASD) got 2s and 3s. We are on holiday at the moment and I wept when I opened the email for him. We haven’t actually told him this results yet... as he hadn’t registered that they were out yesterday, was more interested in the football fixture lists that came out yesterday! We will tell him when we are home. My lad is doing an access course at college for which there are no entry requirements, could you look at something like that for him? I feel for you and him, I really do, but he will get there. Our kids just take a little bit longer than most others x

I totally get you - it feels really terrible when all you hear is other kids getting 9s and your DS has worked his arse off and not got the same. I've worked out that comparison if the thief of joy. My DS got mainly 4s in his GCSEs. There was no celebration because we spent the next week trying to get him onto a college course that would take him. His passes felt like failures and it was awful. But I promise you it will come good. Two years on he passed his Engineering BTEC with DD and has got an Engineering apprenticeship that starts in three weeks. Please don't despair - time will fix all and he will get there although at the time I felt just like you. Concentrate on what he has achieved - a college place and a route to the course he wants. I wish him all the luck in the world.

Update- he got 3s in all but sciences where he got 2 grade 4s. Had meaningful discusson with him heart to heart and learned a few things. He doesn't like to 'bother' anyone so didn't ask for help in support groups etc. He was sat with top level students in some classes (school trying to spur him on i expect) but it just made him feel stupid and embarrased. He really, really struggles with self image He didn't do homework properly because he didn't see the point of doing it when he wouldn't be as good as the bright students. I only found all this out when i told him about the phrase quoted by posters about comparison being the thief of joy.
He will do a course that will put him in the right place for his dreamed of course next year-hopefully. Hopefully the style of teaching, smaller classes and absence of brilliant students will make things better. A few years ago my friend's son failed all his gcses but found a course that turned out to be perfect for him.

Oh op
My heart aches for what our teenagers have to endure.
Please keep communicating with your son. The world is his oyster, he sounds like a great lad and this will all be a memory in time. Onwards and upwards

He might not have got "good passes", but he definitely didn't fail, 3s are still an achievement and will stand him in good stead to do well on his next course.