to feel so upset about DS failing most gcse's?? wise and kind words badly needed..

[AuntieMeemz]

It seems the whole world is celebrating fantastic GCSE results whilst we are writhing in pain. I know there are people with far sadder and much,much worse situations than ours, but I'm sturggling to cope with this!
DS worked really hard,he tried SOOOOO hard putting in lots of extra time after school and with a tutor yet has done far worse than all his friends. He has mild autism and his friend who has it more severe, got 10 passes. I will never,ever forget the pain of seeing his face when he opened his envelope. All his freinds were whooping with joy and he just stood there staring at the floor.
He has got a place to do something at college, but his much,much dreamed of college place, and his second choice, rejected him. He is partly over it but I had a totally sleepless night again. I just feel sick/angry/jealous/sad-though i have kept most of this from him. h DH and I really emphasised recognition for all his hard work and effort.
His predictions/reports have never been good but he had made huge steps and planned to put his everything iinto his final push for exams. We will appeal (but haven't really got a leg to stand on) and he will resit but i'm not optimistic for the future.
Have already talked to his chosen colleges, who won't change their minds, but one does have a 'special consideraton form', but as mentioned, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.
All is not lost I know, but please someone help me dig myself out of this heartbreak!
I'm feeling like bursting into tears when meeting his friends mums, (who are mostly my friends too) who tell me how fantastically their sons have done, and ask how DS did.

I did say but it got deleted

I failed all my exams. gCSE and the redo I did!

OP I think most people are missing the point about your thread, you are doing all the 'celebrate his success' and 'being there' stuff...it's this line that sat with me:
All is not lost I know, but please someone help me dig myself out of this heartbreak! the answer, for me, was time - eventually that awful pain in your chest starts to fade every time you think of their upset. Be positive, upbeat, listen etc and focus on the future which is going to be fine....you sound a fab mum

I'm so sorry I know it's horrendous, two of DS's friends are in similar position even after the CAGs have been used for A Levels and I have no truck whatsoever with all this nonsense about "teaching them to fail" and "not be snowflakes" etc. which is all utter rubbish. It is one thing to fail an exam you have sat and a different thing entirely to fail one that you didn't sit, based on metrics that you didn't know were going to count.
It won't seem so bad once you have a plan on what to do in future, and I do know of one boy who had a terrible failure age 13 but went on to do spectacularly ever since (nothing but A*s and a 1st from a top uni).

Hang in there, he'll find his path.

I think it's so difficult for those who don't quite get the grades or have the academic ability to pursue A levels but equally don't want their future narrowed down to a particular vocational course.

That's not really the case though. Both my sister and OH both did college courses and never worked in their respective vocational fields at all. They both got completely different jobs, but the college course results helped them get those jobs (proof of being able to pass a further education course), and in later years, the college qualifications gave them exemptions to pursue completely different professional qualifications (usually A level entry requirements). Whilst it's obviously simpler/better for someone to go into a career based on their vocational qualifications, it really isn't always a barrier to other opportunities.

I'm sorry for your son but rest assured this is not the end. I am in my mid-fourties and had a similar experience. Ultimately it lead me in a completely different direction to my original dreams and my friends and I ended up travelling to a college 20 miles from home. Looking back it was the best thing that happened to me, I pursued an engineering course excelled at a more practical approach, ended up with a HND, degree and Masters and travelled worldwide gaining experience in my field. What I'm saying is there are many ways to get to the end goal and for most there are hiccups along the way. Sometimes these will open other doors that lead to more interesting paths. It's hard at his age and with his peers excited about their results but he'll have to brush himself off and see where his opportunities take him. I wish him well on his journey.

My son didn't get any! He's ASD/ADHD with emotional deregulation. He was school avoidant since way before lockdown and school said they won't have anything to base results on. It's absolutely gutting and heartbreaking, another blow on many, many difficult years in education. He's going to a special needs college and can hopefully do them again. I also struggled yesterday seeing all the celebratory Facebook posts. My eldest who also has learning difficulties went to a mainstream college, he's going into his 4th year there, still trying to get the maths and English GCSE grades he needs. Colleges are really good at helping them so don't be too downhearted.

The hard work not paying off in the expected way is always the most heartbreaking. Someone said something about having a planned response to avoid more pain when people ask and that's good advice. A simple, 'Not what we'd hoped for, but we've got a plan B' or some such.
I think you're right that appeals probably won't be successful unless there was an administrative error. If the grades match the Centre Grades (CAGs) then that's probably it.

BUT there are a few things you can do:
It sounds like you gave him an incredible amount of support. You can't beat yourself up as a parent because you really worked with him. So you can have no regrets on that front and you should be proud of that. It's worth saying to him and yourself - look we worked hard, this was just unfortunate, but now we'll apply that hard work in another direction.
As others have said, look into the resit situation, Not for everything but a few key subjects.
Lots of people who aren't traditionally academic do well. There is a line from a film called Intelligent Lives that is so right: 'Find what they're good at and nurture it.'
This is a rotten time of year for some many young people and their parents and this year has been particularly awful. Good luck!

OP what does he want to do? Now time to focus on moving forward for him and put horrible results behind him. Could he take year out to get what he needs for his much wanted course?

I had this last year with my DD1, can I tell you that since then it’s never come up again and she is doing great on a BTEC now.

Hugs to you xxx

Our education system does irritate me tbh. Those that are not academically inclined should be allowed at 15 to have day release one day a week in work environment they would like to apprenticeship in. And also be allowed to.cut down GCSE to say 3/4 subjects. I watched my husbands confidence destroyed by school and failed gcse, he thought he was worthless. I worried for one of our kids as he is severely dyslexic with milder asd. High school isnt going to suit him but he is amazing working on the farm with his grandparents and doing work with his dad.

@AuntieMeemz. First of all, I understand totally how you're feeling, not least, the hurt for your child, who has tried really hard, and in this case, there is no reward for his hard work.
I have four children, all in their forties now. Two of them were like your boy. Not autistic, but found school very difficult. I don't remember their results specifically, but I can tell you if they passed any it was with very low grades. My son got a job by impressing someone by walking in and asking for a job at 8.00am on the day after he left school. He has never been out of work, has been a manager and now runs his own business. My daughter wanted to work in social care. She only got into college because her school tutor went to the college and told them that even though her results were not good enough to get on to the course, they would not regret it if they gave her a chance. At the end of the course they took a copy of her file to show other students the standard required. She now is a trainer for Social Services.
My other two children didn't do that well at GCSE standard either but both went on to go to University, one as a mature student.
At aged seven, I was classed as a gifted child, but having been to 11 schools because of my Dad's work, I left with 3 O levels.
The point is, nobody has ever asked us what our results were. When your boy is grown up, nobody will be thinking about how well or badly he has done, and it isn't an indication of how well he will do in life. In fact, in my children's cases the two who did badly at school are the ones most people would class as successful.
Your boy obviously did his best, and that's all anyone can ever ask of anyone. I wish him lots of luck in the future.

Part of our love for our children exists in worry about their future. This type of judgement of their abilities, written down on paper often brings this to a head.

The reality is that many, many young people who have 'failed' their exams go on to be successful, intelligent adults. His future is not written down it is lived.

💔 so sad after all that hard work that you and he put in. All those hours spent at school and tutoring.
I'm starting to hate the education system in this country. What a way to waste a childhood.
It's all over now OP. He made it through school. That's awesome in itself and now he can find a happy life that suits him more. Where his massive achievements are recognised and celebrated.

This was me yesterday, in an absolute spin. My DS wasn't given his predicted grades, he was dunked by the school is the only way I can describe it. He had an unconditional place that changed its criteria so had his place withdrawn. He had his heart set on a particular practical career and the rug was completely pulled.

What did we do once we got the complete absolute not a chance of him getting onto the course he wanted. Sat there with nothing, no help, no idea of where to go...

1. found the largest college in the nearest city. Most of these have teams of career advisors available at this time of year.
2. got an appointment via zoom
3. talked through the options with them, the guy was great.

Lots of phone calls to different colleges and departments

Phones calls back from the wonderful careers advisor

End result we found a course at a city college that would enable him to progress in a years time to what he wanted to do; and gave him the opportunity to resit his maths and English

I got my DS to sit with me whilst we made the calls, and had the discussions. He was very worried and quiet - so i wasn't overly sure I was doing the right thing; but it did make him engaged and he got to listen to the options, see how much I was going to bat for him and we got there.

It took all day, I can't do anything about what the school did, but what I could do was make sure my DS was given options and eventually a course that will lead him to where he wants to be. Help him to open other doors.

And massive hugs, my brain is still fried from yesterday. This is a not an easy situation in what is a very usual set of times.

When I was a Further Education teacher I saw a lot of students like your DS. I specialised in teaching the ones who had gained the old grades E, F and U.

Here's the thing. The ONLY GCSEs that matter in the long run are English and Maths. If he does not have passes in these, life becomes less easy (though not impossible) when he tries to find work. I have had students that passed their GCSE maths on their third or fourth attempt, one of whom is now a nurse in my local hospital. Some students just mature later than others.

I have also seen many of these low achieving students blossom when they are released form the GCSE grind and start to study a subject that interests them. Vocational courses allow them to stop being stressed by subjects they have no real interest in and focus on what they are good at. Once they no longer have to worry about History, Spanish, Geography their headspace is cleared up.

It's really not the end of the world. After all, Alan Sugar has not GCSEs and is dyslexic. There's also the option of, if he does well this year, reapplying to dream course next year.

Poor sweet boy, what a shame for him. If it helps, I got straight As at my GCSEs but because I never did what I actually wanted or followed my aptitudes (working with my hands) I struggled through university, failed to find any meaningful work with my 2:1 degree, and it took me until my late twenties to actually start doing work I was good at and could sustain.

Exams don't reflect a child's true potential at all. I have friends who got terrible exam grades who went on to be extremely successful as entrepreneurs or in creative roles. Forget the model we are told is essential for success, it doesn't guarantee happiness or a good income by any stretch of the imagination.

What is your son good at? What does he get absorbed in? What does he enjoy? Be creative in your thinking about his future career. He could set up a small business that thrives or he could learn a trade. He could become a plumber, or a carpenter, or a chef or any number of useful, rewarding jobs that are far more useful to society than most of the dull office jobs we seem to think are ideal for our kids.

Right now he will feel awful that he didn't get those grades, but in truth this was meant to happen - like many perfectly intelligent kids, the standard academic model is not a good fit for him, and you as a family need to start looking outside of it for other options for his future.

Good luck OP

Also remember that a good set of GCSE and A levels doesn't always guarantee a rewarding career/future either. I know a few people who were bright at school but really struggled at Uni or in the workplace and ended up in pretty poor jobs or long term unemployed.

Anyway, it's a marathon not a sprint. Some people take longer to get where they want to be. Trouble is that the school system is set up entirely based on age, so will often fail the ones who can go faster or who need more time. It's set up for the "average" pupil and outliers can have a pretty bad time of it. I'm sure that college will work out better for him.

By the way, I just love the "scenic route rather than motorway" comment above!!

OP I hear ya, and I understand that disappointment for your child, as a few tears of my own slipped out yesterday when DD was sobbing about her results. I had to explain to her I wasn’t upset because of her achievements or her grades, I was upset that she was so upset, I was upset that she hadn’t got the grades that reflected what she’d hoped for or her ability. It did feel like the end of the world yesterday but I started a thread similar to yours and so many fabulous people have been on there, like yours to give advice and hugs and after just one day it is all starting to get that bit further away.

DD is now beginning to embrace what is coming her way in September and even sounded enthusiastic about what might come next. It’s so hard because your heart breaks for them as so much pressure is put on kids and GCSES are the first real test that many of them have to face. When you’re older and wiser and you realise that you’re going to fail, or not achieve exactly what you set out to or be misjudged harshly many times in your life you can put it into perspective but this for them is the first time, and that’s always the worst. Because you can’t fathom what might come next and how anything can go right from this point on.

My little brother didn't pass many GCSEs. I was a straight A student, top Uni, the whole sheebang. We both now have our own businesses in our separate fields and materially/from a wealth point of view we are equal. Do not panic.

Sympathies OP and pasanda. Our DS is in a similar situation. He passed all but one (which we knew he would do badly at even if he'd done the exam - ASD and lost focus on the subject) and with decent grades around the level we expected. Just that the pass at one of them is two grades below that needed for one of his chosen A levels, needs a 6, got a 4. He too is now in limbo and will have to have a meeting to plead his case to get on the course anyway and re-sit that GSCE in the autumn. His results were low in all subjects for most of school as he has processing issues and it turned out he needed a scribe, which he only got for the last year, but his other predicted grades reflect the improvement, just not this one. He did mess up on the mock, but in a way which he would definitely not repeat had he done the real exam, so no obvious reason now why he wouldn't have got the required grade. We've now contacted the school to ask why they predicted the lower grade hoping it will give us something for him to take to the college meeting.

I admit I felt jealous when I saw some friends' posts on Facebook with their kids all settled on their college courses and we're still all unsettled. It is really hard.

No words of wisdom but so much sympathy. It must be terribly hard seeing your child's disappointment and rejection. You know he worked hard, hold on tight to that and be fiercely proud of his effort - that shows such strength of character.

I hope the next stage of his journey, wherever it takes him, is a happy one, and he finds something he really loves to do.

*Our education system fails so many kids who are not academic. My ds will not pass maths - he is below average across the board but struggles especially with numbers as well as being severely dyslexic.

But verbally he is amazing. At 13 he can already set complex fishing rigs, shoot safely and amazingly, do basic mechanics, and work a till on his Saturday job. He's already passed a Food safety course and is a fit and focused army cadet.*

This is so important. My 23yo son (dyslexic) was distraught he didn't get to do A levels at his grammar school, probably made worse for him that his 3 sisters find academic stuff quite easy. I remember it so well. He's happy, great at his job (and progressing) and so so clever and lovely. Just not good at exams.

That results day will stick with me long after I've forgotten dd3's drive through GCSE pick up from yesterday.

Sounds like he has great support from you. It's all just a step to the next bit of the journey.

I so agree with "taking the coast road rather than the motorway."

Commiserations to him.

It sounds like he has a good attitude and it will see him through.

Try to allay your own anxieties by focussing on these good qualities. Although ime they don't want to hear that too often from parents!

With him be encouraging when he needs it. But he might bounce back quicker than you think.

It's horrible when your child tried so hard and didn't get the outcome he wanted. But it will pass. It won't be easy for a while but it will pass and as long as you don't give up neither will he

To be honest I think what doesnt help is how the news focuses on kids with good grades. And schools too, there are always stories in the local papers showing off those that did well. It just makes those that didnt do so well feel like sh*t. And yes, we should be proud of achieving, but it's not always in everyones gift to do so. Some schools sent letters to kids saying how grades dont define you, but then go on to put up accolade after accolade of the brightest students. Grades should be private. People focus on them too much. Saying what did your child get...then you feel obliged to say, when you shouldn't have to.