to feel so upset about DS failing most gcse's?? wise and kind words badly needed..

[AuntieMeemz]

It seems the whole world is celebrating fantastic GCSE results whilst we are writhing in pain. I know there are people with far sadder and much,much worse situations than ours, but I'm sturggling to cope with this!
DS worked really hard,he tried SOOOOO hard putting in lots of extra time after school and with a tutor yet has done far worse than all his friends. He has mild autism and his friend who has it more severe, got 10 passes. I will never,ever forget the pain of seeing his face when he opened his envelope. All his freinds were whooping with joy and he just stood there staring at the floor.
He has got a place to do something at college, but his much,much dreamed of college place, and his second choice, rejected him. He is partly over it but I had a totally sleepless night again. I just feel sick/angry/jealous/sad-though i have kept most of this from him. h DH and I really emphasised recognition for all his hard work and effort.
His predictions/reports have never been good but he had made huge steps and planned to put his everything iinto his final push for exams. We will appeal (but haven't really got a leg to stand on) and he will resit but i'm not optimistic for the future.
Have already talked to his chosen colleges, who won't change their minds, but one does have a 'special consideraton form', but as mentioned, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.
All is not lost I know, but please someone help me dig myself out of this heartbreak!
I'm feeling like bursting into tears when meeting his friends mums, (who are mostly my friends too) who tell me how fantastically their sons have done, and ask how DS did.

OP, I know two people who both did very very badly in their GCSE exams a few years ago. Both have gone on to do jobs they love, have happy relationships, lovely kids, happy homes, and generally happy lives. It hasn't always been easy for either of them, but 20 years on, their GCSE results are a distant memory and largely irrelevant in their lives.

This is not to dismiss your son's distress, he has every right to be disappointed, especially as the chance to improve his grades has also been taken away from him, it seems horribly unfair. But GCSEs are one building brick of many when it comes to building a life as an adult. He can do resits, if he wants to. He may find that the college place he has is the making of him, or he might find that it's not what he wants, and that he needs to put some time into working out what he does want to do. He may wish to look at apprenticeships, other vocational learning options, and talk to his school careers advisors for some ideas maybe.

He does still have choices, and he clearly has the commitment to work hard and make things happen for himself, and you're clearly proud of that. Hopefully that will see him through, and a few years from now he will be looking back and recognising that while this was a bump in the road, it was one he got over and moved on from.

It's not helping anyone to feel jealous of your friend's dc or embarrassed. I would have a reply prepared if friends ask you about his results, e.g., "he passed enough to get a place at X college, are your dc happy with theirs? ..."

After a couple of days, conversations with parent friends return to normal and gcse results are no longer mentioned.

Don't place too much significance on grades. Not everyone is suited to an academic path. It's important to remember that your son has shown he can work hard and go the extra mile in terms of time and effort. That characteristic will stand him in great stead in life. A fantastic work ethic is worth a lot!

It may be worth considering an apprenticeship? Something more practical? I appreciate apprenticeships are in short supply due to the current pandemic.

My eldest dc started an electrical apprenticeship last year. The requirements were a pass in English and maths gcse. He really enjoys it and will end up as a qualified electrician. He earns a wage while learning which has massively improved his confidence and independence.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. It is really hard but there is no reason why your son doesn't have a bright future ahead of him. Is the college course he has got onto something he wants to do? If so, embrace and see it as his opportunity to move on. If not, could he consider retaking his GCSEs and trying to get into the other colleges next year? If not, he will be required to retake his maths and English GCSEs anyway. The work he has put in this year will be a good foundation for getting the grades he wants in these next time round.

I work in employment and training. Can I ask what he wants to do? I'm asking in case I can think of another path or something to help your son.

My son also has ASD and also didn’t pass all his GCSE’s. He only passed 1. He has to retake English and maths in September and do a course that is not really what he wanted to do. But if he can get English and maths then next year he can do the course he really wants. I’ve scrolled on past all the posts saying how wonderful everyone else has done. Your son and mine have done amazing. Be proud. GCSE’s don’t define you.

The thing is no-one sat exams so you don't know how he would have done on the day - he may have done much better, the same or worse - it's a teacher predicted. Some students (myself) do well in exams and if it was down to teacher predicted I would have done poorly too. I have 2 degrees and other qualifications in my chosen field, far removed from school.

He is young there is next year. Also exams are not the be all and end all. Promote what he is good at and he can either retake the ones he likes/feels confident with as well as Maths and English and look at courses that work on skills rather than single subjects.

There are many ways of being successful and exams are just one of them.

Best wishes.

@Bridecilla

What grades did he get? 3s that were borderline are definitely worth appealing

This isn't the case this year. Appeals can only happen if the centre feels an administrative error has been made when awarding the grade. There's no such thing as a borderline 3 this year - it's not like he's sat exams and may have just missed the next grade or a marker may have made an error.

In a way that's good because he knows his grades and doesn't have to be in limbo waiting for the outcome of an appeal. It's great that he's got a college place and if that goes well this will not hold him back at all.

I'd had this thought the other day when the A Level results u-turn happened. I was always predicted lower grades than I got so I'd have been in a similar position to children like your son and would have been utterly heart broken.

Unless he absolutely needs better grades to get him onto a specific course then (easier said than done), try not to focus on it. GCSEs are usually just a stepping stone. Once he has completed his college course there is a possibility they will never be asked about again. And certainly once he's had his first job, experience speaks far louder than grades ever do. What is it that he wants to do? Could you work together to look for any work experience he might be able to get between now and then?

Please don't be sad - it just exams

Focus on all his positives

My son got shit results this time last year. Not enough to get into A levels. He didn’t work hard enough, not that your son didn’t. But ultimately was probably then not ready for A levels. But I bulldozed in and begged a new school in our area to take him for a levels. I’m not sure it was the right decision. He’s not doing great and he doesn’t care. Feels like a bit of a waste. Maybe if he would have researched what options he had left himself he’d put more effort in. He’s just not ready for a levels and his grades reflected that

GCSEs certainly don’t define a person, but it is very hard to see others celebrating when you’re trying to put on a brave face. The thing about young people with autism, is that they don’t always see or process things in the way you’d expect as an NT person, so they might misinterpret what’s needed, however hard they work.

Many years ago, I visited a special school and have always remembered a story the head mentioned. One of her students took a maths GCSE. He had the knowledge and the understanding, but didn’t pass, because he only answered questions he wasn’t sure of, assuming that everyone would know he knew the answers to the rest.

I’m not sure I’d appeal either, unless the scores are very close to grade boundaries. Focus on looking towards what colleges could offer instead. There might be courses you and he haven’t thought of, or places you haven’t considered. It might take him longer and it might be a different direction, but I hope you find something that suits him and that you can feel positive about the future.

I was in a similar position a few years back. My son has ADD and struggled to get what was in his head on paper. Luckily he passed English and Maths but couldn’t do his chosen subjects at college.

He decided to retake level 2 at college and then went onto study BTecs at level 3. Half way through he said he hated college and was going to leave and work in a bar. We had a long talk and the subject of an apprenticeship was discussed which appealed to him.

So he applied for some and was offered a really good apprenticeship at at a very well respected company. He loves it. He didn’t enjoy the academic environment but now he is working and using his hands he is thriving.

Not all children are cut out for exams. Your son will find his place in life, as others have said, he is only 16 and has his whole life ahead. There are many different routes available for those who struggle with exams.

If its any consolation - in the wider scheme of things, GCSEs mean fuck all and as an adult it won't impact him at all (depending on what career he chooses obviously)

OP. I have an idea where you are. My DD has just completed y10. At Christmas she was predicted passes in everything. Her MH is now so bad I don't know if she will make it to lessons at all when term starts. At this point of time I'll be delighted if she sits/passes any at all.

You/he need time to regroup and then move forward.

Was he looking to do A levels and is now having to do L2 BTEC? If so it might be a blessing in disguise as he can progress from the L2 to L3 and might come out with better grades than the A level route.

I’m sorry your son hasn’t done as well as expected.

But I’m surprised that you seem to think that your son’s “mild” autism should have meant that he did better than his friend with “severe” autism (who even uses those terms to describe autism anyway?).

My lovely teenage boyfriend failed all his GCSEs when we were together and it was so hard on him. He scraped some Alevels and realised he wasn't academic. He is now (30 years later!) A very successful graphic designer. Academia is not for everyone and definitely doesn't define a person's life chances.

The standardised education system is so much harder for children with SEN and often isn't a true measure of their actual capability. Algorithms can be particularly difficult for them, along with predicted grades as often there will have been periods when their needs have not be adequately met or they've even been failed that will be taken into account which will not be the case for children without the equivalent needs.

I say that as the parent of 2 autistic children who are not currently in the school system due to the fact that it does'n't meet their needs.

Can he get some careers advice now ? Does he have an idea of what it is he wants to do? Because I'd try to focus on what he needs to do to get there rather than worrying about what's happened in the past, if at all possible.

To an extent I think your GCSEs are very important. To another I don't think an individual should be judged purely on something they did at 16 for the rest of their lives. I think it's a crap way of doing things. I really do.

I'm 31 bow. But I wanted my health and social care GCSE. Everything I was interested in was based around that. I was interested in hospital work. I did work experience in a school. I tried so hard. My teacher said I was working at a b. I got a bluddy D. I got no As but got one B in RE which is a subject I had no interest in and wouldn't get me far in life.

What I've done with my life work wise isn't anything amazing. But I worked in retail that led me to pharmacy. I completed my pharmacy counter course. Then I went on a care course and learned 1st aid aswel as how to care for the elderly and people with cancer, cystic fibrosis and many other health issues. I did 18 months of caring for people at home. I cared for people in their final days as they passed from cancer etc. I like to think I made a difference.

On paper I look thick and like I can't do anything. But I've cashed up tills. I've opened the pharmacy up on Saturdays. I've cared for people. I've worked and advised people on health conditions. I've got my nvq in retail. I've got my pharmacy training certificate and I've earned money from being 16-25. Then I had my children.

Along side this I can decorate my own home. I can cook for my family. I am not stupid and neither is your son.

He can do many things in life regardless of that piece of paper.

We can't all be top. But we need people in the middle too. He's done well personally hasn't he? He tries hard? He did his best? He turned up and gave it what he had. So be proud of him. Be happy for him. You've raised a good lad. He will do fine in life with support and encouragement. Some of the most "uneducated people" can build and make things.

Don't be sad. Reward him and make him feel good. Be positive about what he can do now. Think of the future. Learning to drive. Working. Further education. Friends. Relationships. Maybe a family of his own one day. This is just the beginning of his adult life. Relax.

But I’m surprised that you seem to think that your son’s “mild” autism should have meant that he did better than his friend with “severe” autism (who even uses those terms to describe autism anyway?).

@Haworthia I understand what the OP means. 'Mild' autism means on the ASD spectrum and can be Asperger's. This is not the same as someone who has severe autism (these terms are used in education all the time.)

Students with autism often find it hard to interpret the questions in exams and even if they have the knowledge they may not be able to link it to the specific question and often miss the 'point' in essays.

OP I'm sorry you are so upset but you must look to the future and support your son now.

If he has a college course lined up and it's what he wants, focus on the positives of that.

If its not what he wants, he could retake his exams or do a different type of entry/ foundation course as the next step.

Have you talked to his teachers or the college for advice?

what type of FE does he want to do? What's his career plan?

This time last year, my DD failed every single GCSE. She had plans to go to college,and join their sports academy.
They were fabulous they offered her the chance to re sit maths and english, combined with an alternative course and she never looked back.
This year she is celebrating having passed everything... Including dreaded maths.
GCSE are just a stepping stone to the next thing, be it further study or work, there's always another way to get there and it really isn't important if you don't take the most direct route... Tell him it will be fine, and find another way. Good luck.

So sorry OP, sounds like your lad tried his best. School just isn't for everyone. Good that he has a pathway set with a college course though.

We forget each year that your GCSE and A-Level results don't define the path your life will take. I didn't do particularly well at GCSE or A-Level, dropped out of my first uni course but then reapplied and found something I was good at. Just so happened to be a growing industry. Now I've got a decent career doing something I love at a great organization.

My brother who was always cracking the books at school and went from college to a Russel Group uni, lost focus after he graduated and kind of bounced from one job to another and didn't really make headway with the career thing. He's still happy and doing alright but if you had put us side by side on GCSE results day asked who'd do 'better' in life it wouldn't have been me.

So don't give up hope! He's only young.

@Maizeyflowers

Best post

@areyoubeingserviced

Agree that you should focus on what he should do. The hurt will be there for a little while particularly as exam results seem to be in the headlines at the moment. We really don’t know where our lives will take us. There are those with strings of GCSES and A levels who do not succeed in life . Your dh will be fine because he is a fighter. Try to stay off social media for a few days and just focus on building your son up. If you show your hurt and disappointment it will only make him feel disheartened .

This ^

I've known very "clever" people who couldn't cross the road safely on their own, and less academic ones who could manage anything practical. It's finding his niche which is the important thing.

Of course he is gutted - there is so much emphasis placed on academic achievement these days, and his friends did so well, and mostly because he tried so very hard. But academic achievement isn't the be-all and end-all. When the shock is over and he can take stock of where he is, he will start to pull himself together and decide what his best options are.

As others have said - he has a college place, he has a loving family (thank you so much for being so supportive of him) and he will, ultimately be fine.

wishing him every success in the future.

It’s all relative isn’t it? My dc year 11 didn’t do GCSEs at all and my younger one won’t either. Both in special schools doing qualifications more suited to their abilities.

My friends seem to all have children who are high fliers, literally top grades and studying to be doctors and vets.

Fortunately no one asked how my dc did and I am not on Facebook any more as I would have found it hard yesterday.

There are many courses available for young people who need extra help or who are not academic. You/he might need to adjust to what would be more suitable for him.
It’s disappointing but not the end of the world.

As the mother of a teen with autism and MH difficulties who has had major difficulties attending mainstream school, I think your son is fucking awesome. It is a testament to his resilience that he not only took all his GCSEs but he also took extra tutoriring. In the face of adversity he did not give up he faced the challenge full on. He might not have got the outcome you would of liked but he has demonstrated amazing strength. That is one young man I would be hugely proud, as I know you are and you will have done a fantastic job of supporting him through school and all the hurdles that comes with it.