to feel so upset about DS failing most gcse's?? wise and kind words badly needed..

[AuntieMeemz]

It seems the whole world is celebrating fantastic GCSE results whilst we are writhing in pain. I know there are people with far sadder and much,much worse situations than ours, but I'm sturggling to cope with this!
DS worked really hard,he tried SOOOOO hard putting in lots of extra time after school and with a tutor yet has done far worse than all his friends. He has mild autism and his friend who has it more severe, got 10 passes. I will never,ever forget the pain of seeing his face when he opened his envelope. All his freinds were whooping with joy and he just stood there staring at the floor.
He has got a place to do something at college, but his much,much dreamed of college place, and his second choice, rejected him. He is partly over it but I had a totally sleepless night again. I just feel sick/angry/jealous/sad-though i have kept most of this from him. h DH and I really emphasised recognition for all his hard work and effort.
His predictions/reports have never been good but he had made huge steps and planned to put his everything iinto his final push for exams. We will appeal (but haven't really got a leg to stand on) and he will resit but i'm not optimistic for the future.
Have already talked to his chosen colleges, who won't change their minds, but one does have a 'special consideraton form', but as mentioned, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.
All is not lost I know, but please someone help me dig myself out of this heartbreak!
I'm feeling like bursting into tears when meeting his friends mums, (who are mostly my friends too) who tell me how fantastically their sons have done, and ask how DS did.

It’s so hard seeing them not get what they deserve. It’s heart breaking to see.
It’s a hard hard lesson that sometimes hard work isn’t enough, and frankly, it should be.

Wishing you and your son well on his next step in life.

Well, tell us which ones he passed. Focussing on his successes might shine a light on where he goes from here.

The school has failed him. A student with SEN (ASD) who can't achieve passes with clear hard work and application should not be entered for those exams and should instead be in a specialist setting or doing a different level qualification. If he hasn't had an ed psych and EHCP then he should have. Ask awkward questions of your school and local authority because if you can get what he needs now it can follow him to 25. If he has had this then the plan has not been correct for him. Seek advice. College may be way more helpful with this.

I feel for both you and your son OP, it's horribly difficult especially when he had put in a lot of effort.

I may get slated for this but concentrate on what he can do going forward (I wasn't clear if he's got a place to do something that interests him or not). Also, don't make success just academic - perhaps concentrate on other things. Part time job, hobby, travel when Covid is over - whatever he likes. Academic success is only one side of life, please don't forget to enjoy stuff - beach, trips out, whatever you enjoy as a family with him. Concentrate on his good bits whatever they are - art, caring, brightening people's day, board games anything.

You may wonder why I emphasise this as academia is considered important (and it is) but one of my DS was pretty bright, had all sorts of dreams. He was bullied and frankly I was just pleased I still had him and he was fairly ok (if not exactly happy) by the end of the year things got that bad. He has now recovered but it put things in perspective. Academic studies are only worth it if you enjoy it and it leads to what you want to do. Good luck with the appeal.

Huge sympathy and empathy from here. We had an absolute shocker re GCSEs 2 years ago and DS was devastated. It was a tough ride but today he is happy and positive, has worked over the summer at a great job where they have really appreciated him, and is going off to do a course in something that really interests him. I would love to give you and your DS a big hug, a large glass of wine for you and maybe a beer for him, and tell you it will be ok - different, but ok.

The coastal route analogy is spot on.

Oh I am sorry. Is there anyway you can contact the school to see if the results are correct? It's a long shot I know but considering what a messed up world we live in now. I agree that give it five years all this will seem very distant and not as important. I am sure your son will succeed in whatever he decides to do.

DBro didn't get any GCSEs and he's got a great job with a really good salary and his own house and car now. For him the key was getting into something where he was training on the job and doing something with his hands.

(also mildly autistic)

Same here. My ds would have def got at least 5X4s after knuckling down after disastrous mocks. Paid for tutors, did after school and lunchtime additional classes too. He was working his ass off.

Luckily we are abroad so he got his results by email. I had to go to the bathroom and sob for half an hour while he went back in the pool.

He only passed 3! Fuck sake!

Anyway he's go into a course at an amazing college, and will have to retake English and maths.

I feel better today, he's not that bothered. Maybe because we're away. Well he seems not bothered, I explained it was all ok, he'd still get to college just have to take an extra year so he can resit his GCSEs.

And to be honest he's going to love being on a Level 2 course, it's a piece of piss.

So my god I feel your pain, but this too will pass! And it will be for the best.

I'm so sorry, OP, it's so hard to see our kids unhappy.

It's good that he's got a college place. Honestly, school results will be yesterday's news very quickly. I think for some kids, school is just something to be mostly endured, sadly (thinking of my own dear, bright, dyslexic child).

Now your son i's free to make his own way in the world, on his terms. Not saying it's easy, but sometimes these experiences are the making of us. I'm glad he has you to support & love & comfort him. He'll be okay, OP.

instead of the motorway, he took the coast road

I like that image.

OP I know it’s no consolation now while you’re in the thick of it but some boys do tend to develop later than their peers. There’s nothing wrong with their abilities, they can flourish later in life.
My brother had an almost fatal case of meningitis when he was seventeen. Doctors said he would never walk or speak properly again. He was given a computer to help him and he literally flew! He now is a global manager in an international IT company and is far more successful than any of his siblings and cousins. We’re all slogging away and he owns his own homes, has a yacht and is generally having an amazing life. I am so proud of all his achievements and it’s so hard to believe that 15 years ago I sat sobbing with my parents as to what his future was deemed to be.
I wish you and your son all the best, hopefully there will be a good solution ahead. 💐

@ScrapThatThen

The school has failed him. A student with SEN (ASD) who can't achieve passes with clear hard work and application should not be entered for those exams and should instead be in a specialist setting or doing a different level qualification. If he hasn't had an ed psych and EHCP then he should have. Ask awkward questions of your school and local authority because if you can get what he needs now it can follow him to 25. If he has had this then the plan has not been correct for him. Seek advice. College may be way more helpful with this.

Absolutely agree with this, well said.

I feel for you both. I'm in the same situation with my daughter.
She has worked so incredibly hard and put so much extra time and effort into it.
The hardest part for her was seeing others jumping in the air waving their papers about.
I am so proud of how far she has come.
My eldest is 21 and wasn't able to sit his GCSE's He has the mind of a baby and never spoken a word in his life.
His ability to get by in a world without words that he struggles to understand makes me every bit as proud as any GCSE results.
Each and every one of my children make me so proud.

This happened to me many years ago. I failed everything apart from English. I did an extra year at college and did some resits and some new GCSEs. I passed all with As and Bs and then did A levels, a degree and a PGCE. I am now a very successful English teacher. It is such a shock when it happens. My parents were devastated- particularly as they had paid for my education too.
I really feel for you and your son. Can you see if there is a sixth form he can go to to do the exams next year? It might be worth it in the long run. It is only an extra year but at least it gives him the chance to do what he really wants to do.

Ah,poor boy. Sorry about that. It must be hard, working so much and then getting poor results but you gotta remain positive. He can still go into college and university and achieve and do well and have a great future ahead. My GCSE's weren't great but I'm now running my own business with my husband who is also running another 2 and he did brilliantly academically. I admire what he has achieved with his masters degrees and the incredible experiences he has had travelling the world. But everyone has their own chance in life to go far and succeed. Wish you and your son the very best.

Your DS sounds like a great lad. Sometimes upsetting things happen. In one or two years this particular thing will not feel important any more because you will have found a way forward. The thing to do now is identify how he can move on from this. Fingers crossed for you.

Oh OP I am so sorry for DS and you .

I don't often get teary eyed or a lump in the throat but I did when I read this .

My DH got no GCSEs (his alcoholic mother kept him away from school), but he managed to get his foot in the door of a trade at 15 and he worked his socks off to learn and be the best at what he does. He is now recognised as one of the best in his trade in the country. He made it his business to become and expert.

GCSEs are not the be all and end all.

Some of the people I know excelled at education and quite honestly lack basic common sense and any kind of work ethic.
Hard work and being a nice person counts for a lot.

He’ll be absolutely fine.

@pink1173 also makes a good point.
I did an extra year at college because I changed an a-level half way through and it’s made no difference to my career.

I hope your son gets to study what he is interested in, but personally I think knowing how to work hard and resilience are much more useful in the long term and admirable than passing exams.

Thank you all for such lovely kind and thoughtful replies. He has got a place to do a course at a lower level and he will do his resit this year or next, and pehraps get into his dream course and college next year.. He seems to be on the mend, but I will take much longer! His pain was so raw yesterday. He can't face his friends who are all celebrating but it might be better if i remind him that he has got a college place. Thank God for the lovely tutor who praised his art work so highly before seeing his grades.He got nearly all 3s. got a couple of sciences at 4.
Bless him, this is how hard he tries-today he's done a plan and started revising again in the hopes of resits in Nov.

OP, your boy sounds an amazing young man. The fact he is showing such strong resilience right now is impressive. I wish him well in the forthcoming year and I hope that this time next year those tears will be replaced with tears of joy.

My Dads disappointment with my GCSE results was worse than my actual GCSE results

So don’t show your DS your disappointment.

I had mainly D’s and went onto study BTEC and then a BSc Honours Degree.

So please don’t assume it’s the end of the world.

Focus on what DS can do, not what he can't - that's what highly successful types do in every field.

No one will care at all about the GCSEs in a year, but the ability and discipline of hard work he has learnt during the runup will be invaluable for his entire life.

If I had my way GCSEs wouldve been banned long ago. They’re way out dated and don’t take into account that not all kids are Academic.