to feel so upset about DS failing most gcse's?? wise and kind words badly needed..

[AuntieMeemz]

It seems the whole world is celebrating fantastic GCSE results whilst we are writhing in pain. I know there are people with far sadder and much,much worse situations than ours, but I'm sturggling to cope with this!
DS worked really hard,he tried SOOOOO hard putting in lots of extra time after school and with a tutor yet has done far worse than all his friends. He has mild autism and his friend who has it more severe, got 10 passes. I will never,ever forget the pain of seeing his face when he opened his envelope. All his freinds were whooping with joy and he just stood there staring at the floor.
He has got a place to do something at college, but his much,much dreamed of college place, and his second choice, rejected him. He is partly over it but I had a totally sleepless night again. I just feel sick/angry/jealous/sad-though i have kept most of this from him. h DH and I really emphasised recognition for all his hard work and effort.
His predictions/reports have never been good but he had made huge steps and planned to put his everything iinto his final push for exams. We will appeal (but haven't really got a leg to stand on) and he will resit but i'm not optimistic for the future.
Have already talked to his chosen colleges, who won't change their minds, but one does have a 'special consideraton form', but as mentioned, he doesn't really have a leg to stand on.
All is not lost I know, but please someone help me dig myself out of this heartbreak!
I'm feeling like bursting into tears when meeting his friends mums, (who are mostly my friends too) who tell me how fantastically their sons have done, and ask how DS did.

@lalelalelalahh

DS was in the same situation. He now looks back and says instead of the motorway, he took the coast road. Took a while longer to get where he wanted to be but the journey was much more scenic and worthwhile.

Thanks (to you and your DS) for this, I needed to read that this morning! Wise words indeed.

So sorry for you. It's easy to say when you're removed from the situation, but the results really aren't the end of things. There are positives that you will find eventually. His work ethic and willingness to put the effort in will stand him in very good stead in a working environment (when he gets there), and is something you should all be proud of and celebrate regardless of yesterday's outcome. Its great he does have a college place, and if it really isn't want he wants he can resit and reapply next year. It may not have been the plan, but sometimes diversions to our path can end up be the making of us.

My DH failed his maths GSCE three times; he never gained a pass. He also got low passes on most other subjects. Fifteen years on, he has earned a very hard to achieve qualification and is doing a job that he's worked towards since his early 20s. Don't let these results define your DS or his future.

Our education system fails so many kids who are not academic. My ds will not pass maths - he is below average across the board but struggles especially with numbers as well as being severely dyslexic.

But verbally he is amazing. At 13 he can already set complex fishing rigs, shoot safely and amazingly, do basic mechanics, and work a till on his Saturday job. He's already passed a Food safety course and is a fit and focused army cadet.

We need options at 13 for kids so that they can do something other than the traditional route. It breaks my heart to know that he's got years of being told he's shit ahead of him. I say that as a teacher with another child who will fly through the system.

Your son will find something he loves. I echo the ppwho have suggested apprenticeships. Some do notrequire a 4 at maths and English and will accept 3's. As they should - a 3 is a perfectly adequate understanding for most jobs. I hope both you and he are staying positive.

So, I am guessing he has a Level 2 college course organised, whether or not he likes the subject!

ALl you can do is keep pointing out to him that his school didn't see the results of all that hard work he did with his tutor and his college now will. If he works hard, passed Math and English he will be able to move on to a Level 3 course next year, if he wants.

One note of caution: students on L2 courses are usually the most disaffected and/or troubled (and yes, I taught that level in the much hated Math and English fo a few years). They can be a delight, but can also be quite isolated and taht can be self destuctive at times.

If your DS is now determined to do well/better then he must keep talking to you, keep himself aware of his true progress so he can do as well as he is able!

But yes, as @phlebasconsidered said. The system is not really designed to help any student who can't pass the Math and English to a stupidy high level. Successive governments, The Goviot et al, have only made it worse.

However the new T-levels may be of some interest... you never know!

www.tlevels.gov.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw4f35BRDBARIsAPePBHxhTWQIbIF5-S-_kfkXh6907cfZ2yLI8A4FDl38iieiAXiBbm9pGicaArQLEALw_wcB

Oh, the irony... all those mispers. Fat fingers, as usual

GCSEs do feel important now, but they don’t matter as much as it might seem. There are many adults who completely messed them up, yet have fulfilling lives now. As a pp said, the fact that he is prepared to work hard at things is a great asset.
I feel that the current trend to send the majority of young people to university is a mistake, academic achievement is overrated generally. We need all types of people in society, and arguably people who can learn practical skills, who are reliable and trustworthy and hard working are as important to society as someone very academic, maybe more so.
Your son may not be someone who excels in exams, but he has other attributes that will help him when he starts working. I wish there was as much focus in schools on the other skills that make a good life, kindness, reliability, etc as there is on exam results that can leave so many people feeling like failures when their strengths are simply different.

Op, this was me last year. My dc’s results were a big disappointment and they were unable to do their first choice course at college. It was especially disappointing because they had revised hard but went to pieces during the exam. I remember feeling exactly like you last year, it really felt like everyone got amazing grades but my dc. However a year later the first year at college is done and my dc is really excelling (even talking about Universities, which 12 months ago they thought were impossible). I know it seems like the end of the world now but it really isn’t and 12 months time your dc will be in a totally different position from now.

It's happened and no point dwelling on it. If you don't think there are grounds for appeal, then don't waste effort/stress. Concentrate on the things you can change, not the things you can't.

He needs to be looking forward to his college course. If he's not got good grades in Maths and English, then he really does need to re-take them, with private tutoring if necessary. They're the most important thing to have and may scupper future career changes etc if he hasn't met the required standard.

Main thing is that it's not the end of the World and he has options at his age to get on track. I failed all my O levels at 16 (crap comp, bullying etc)., but re took them, got the basics, did A levels and then became a chartered accountant. Sometimes set backs make you a better person.

Here OP.

My daughter is dyslexic and found school to be incredibly difficult. She really believed that she was stupid and could not do anything. She did not get great GCSE's and we had to have a meeting with the college to get her accepted to do a course. College was an incredible eye opener for her. She discovered that she is not stupid. She realised how clever she actually was. She has since finished her BTEC and decided she wants to be a Play Therapist. She was doing her A levels online but Covid messed that up as she couldn't write the exams. She started working at a school club at 16 and now works as a carer for young adults. She is 19. She is in the process of getting a promotion where her work will pay for some of her studies. She will probably not do her A levels (she wants to do them to prove she can) but she will go to university and she will study and when she is done she will have years of experience and be qualified and already have proven herself. She is 19.

My point is school is shit for many of us but it does not dictate our lifepath. Our attitude and our belief in ourselves is what makes us a success. And success is not what others think it is but what we believe it to be.

I am incredibly proud of my little girl and she proves that school marks do not define who you are or what you can become.

Many of her friends are now in their 2nd year of university and in a year or two when they finish they will start their careers. By that time my daughter will have a career.
When she goes onto university to study phsychology she will have real life/work experience. She will fly!

Don't worry about the other parents. Just say he didn't do great but school was never his thing. People are generally not horrid and if they are unsupportive then they are not his or your friends anyway and their opinions are irrelevant.

PS. She just took out a £12k loan to buy herself a car. Not many kids who have just turned 19 can do that.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to upset/sad for him that his hard work hasn't been rewarded, it is especially difficult this year when there is that added doubt that he might have done better in exams.

I have close family and friends whose children are not academic and every year when they bring out the smiley #nowrongpath photos I get angry, it is condescending and not helpful at all to a young person who is feeling lost and unsure what direction their life will take as their choices and opportunities are painfully removed.

This time when everyone is focused on academic results will be hard, but it will pass soon. Be proud of your son and who he is, accept he isn't naturally academic. Friends should know this already, they are asking because they care, it would be weird if they didn't ask at all. A straightforward - You know ds, school is difficult for him, he worked really hard and Im so proud of that, but unfortunately he was disappointed in the grades he has been estimated which was hard to see, but he's ok now and looking forward to college - is enough.

DS1, academic high flyer coasted through GCSE and A levels then flunked uni and came out with essentially a third 🙄. DS2, really hardworking, popular with teachers and pupils, but suffered awful exam nerves came out with rubbish GCSEs, then rubbish A Levels and now has a First in Law. Hold your nerve, support him and make sure he knows there are loads of options ahead of him, even if that’s not clear now.

This is when resits could be a good option. Some students will have been marked down for expecting low grades but put in a lot of work this year and so could have exceeded those expectations. Keep up the encouragement so he dosnt feel despondent. He has a bright future ahead and I'm sure you will help him find the best path.

DS was in the same situation. He now looks back and says instead of the motorway, he took the coast road. Took a while longer to get where he wanted to be but the journey was much more scenic and worthwhile.

This is a fabulous mindset. As someone who left university after one year, then worked in a variety of roles and went to university in my 30's I totally agree.

GCSEs certainly don’t define a person, but it is very hard to see others celebrating when you’re trying to put on a brave face.

^This. It's really painful to see our DC being disappointed. My DDs are adopted and DD1 (11) has SEN and has all sorts of struggles. So I know that she's likely to be in your DS's position as she's around 2 years behind her peers and will be doing a foundation course in extra English and Maths when she starts high school in September.

Your DS will have something he's good at and he's clearly a fighter and has the determination needed to succeed in life.

I always felt so sorry for the pupils like your son who put in such a lot of hard work but fell short of the required marks. He's lucky to have such a loving family to support him in the future and if he decides to resit you will be a power of strength to him. Good luck to you all.

he tried, Effort is 1000 x more important.

As an employer I can train a willing person to do the job I employed them for. I cant train a lazy bugger who wont try. ...

It will be ok. x

I know the feeling op.

My dd passed 5 but got a 3 in maths. She desperately wants to go to college to do A levels to give her a breadth of education that a vocational btec just can't. She doesn't know what she wants to do and has been dreaming of leaving school and starting afresh at a new college.
She has to wait til Tuesday for her online 'slot' to discuss her options. Meanwhile all her friends are onto the courses they wanted and she's in limbo. She is utterly distraught and I genuinely fear for her mental state now, and into the future, if they don't let her do A levels.

I think it's so difficult for those who don't quite get the grades or have the academic ability to pursue A levels but equally don't want their future narrowed down to a particular vocational course.

Hello , i am so sorry for you and your son , so much pressure at such a young age , my son now 21 no learning issues , no bad behaviour just a general lack of effort at school , also left with similar low grades .
He went to 6th form but had to retake maths and english a few times, again not particularly switched on at college either .
He then tried a government backed training course, attended and got the 2nd highest result on the course in the uk for maths/english.
He is'nt lazy , he was also working part time , he is now about to start his 2nd year at university which he loves .
Everyone finds their path in life , some sooner than others ,learning is constant not just at school.
I hope things work out for your son too , i too worried so much for my son and things worked out .

If you know you haven’t got any grounds for appeal, please don’t. Not only is it a waste of time and resources that are in very short supply right now, it’s just setting your son up for another day of dashed hopes. Far better to concentrate on resits when he can actually do something positive to change the outcome.

Mainly you have been receiving very sensible advice. You DS has proved that he can stick at working. That will be valuable beyond estimate in the future.
Probably difficult for you to see it now and almost impossible for him.
When I failed my O levels it meant abandoning all thoughts of uni. Second chances were rare.
But nowadays there are so many more opportunities designed for people going back to education.
As someone said on Page 1, "go via the coast road not the motorway".

OP, it is heartbreaking to see our children struggle and not get what they had really hoped for, but he sounds like a lovely hardworking boy and the fact that he had a ‘dream college place’ shows that he has ambition and ideas for his future which is really important.

This isn’t the end. It’s the beginning.

What was it that attracted him about his dream college place and how can he work towards achieving that dream in a different way?

I’d advise resitting English and Maths if he didn’t get those, as they will open many doors in the future but if he is to resit others, focus on a key few so he can target his revision rather than having a go at everything.

Aww op I'm sorry it sucks.
The thing I have always focused on with my kids is the effort. If the effort is there that's all that matters to me. Some people will do better than others, some will be more academic, some will be better in exams, some will struggle with exams. Concentrate on the positives, he had got into college, and these exams really don't mean anything in the real world. He will find his way because he has shown you the dedication and effort he can put in. That means more than any exam results!

Sounds like he worked really hard, I know those numbers on a piece of paper won't make it seem so, but exams aren't set up for everyone to achieve highly; personally I don't believe they are indicative at all of anyone's potential of actual capability. My cousin has ASD, he got zero GCSEs but thrived in a college environment, he also met his now wife and has a job he loves. I know that's sadly not the case for all, but I really hope that in a few years you can look back on this as no more than a bump in the road.

That was heartbreaking to read and I'm sending all my love and thoughts

I left school early. At 14 (you could do it in my day!). I was incredibly poorly growing up and spent near on 10 years in hospitals.

I went on to have a really successful career in films. I was able to go to college to redo electronics and design. Which I then also failed. But I rang up companies I wanted to work for. I begged them to interview me. I offered to make tea for them! I got a job from every single phone call.

I did exactly that. I went and did all the awful jobs. Making tea. Printing forms. I was their skivvy for a while but being there got me contacts. ( this was a London film company) I'd been there a year when someone approached me (because I'd tell anyone my dream!) and I went there. There I met more contacts it took about 3 years but then I landed my dream job. I worked my way up. I travelled the world. I was earning three times the amount my friends were. I lived in different countries. I met people some only dreamed of

Yet I left school AND college with nothing. I realise that it's a different world now. But even now. My husband didn't do well. He did ok at his gcse. But he did terrible in his a levels. He now run his own very successfully company. He also did the same as me. Worked for one company and worked his way up. Soon he had 2 years experience and people didn't care about his GCSEs.

Love works in wonderful ways. Xxxxx tell him how proud you are and that he's made you more proud in how he's coped. He's got resilience. He's got you!

Xxx