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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm angry. Why? And AIBU?

147 replies

Livingtothefull · 20/08/2020 23:15

Some of the reasons why I am angry:

Several family members voted Tory at the last election. Why would they do that given that my severely disabled DS has had progressively reduced support over the last years. Why would they vote for the government that has presided over all of that? When they profess to love DS and me? It makes me feel that DS is just an afterthought in the family when I want him to be at the centre, protected and prioritised...aibu to think that?

I am really conscious that lockdown has been terribly hard on everyone, in many different ways. But after lockdown the support provided to DS (as for many vulnerable people) reduced to next to nothing. We never heard from social services at all although his college did the best they could. I found myself working from home as well as caring for DS....I can't even describe how hard it has been on all of us. Now lockdown has eased at least we can get a carer which is helping a lot.

And I am angry with myself too and I am stuck because of it. There are so many things I want to do....I want to write, communicate, look after myself properly, contribute something. But I am not doing any of it; something is blocking me and the something is the stress and anger in me.

Is it normal to feel like this, to feel just livid with myself? Has anyone reading this gone through the same & how did you get over it?

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 21/08/2020 19:22

*love

Billben · 21/08/2020 19:23

@dadshere

I understand you. I cut off friendships of people who voted tory at the last election. They are either incredibally selfish, in which case I don't want to be friends with them, or incredibally stupid ditto. There aren't any other people who vote tory.
I think you did those friends a favour to be honest with you 😂
Tyersal · 21/08/2020 19:27

Given what labour would likely have done to the economy and therefore jobs is it not just as selfish to vote for them just because they would have made the changes you wanted?

Of course with the broken economy passing for those changes wouldn't be easy

Moonmelodies · 21/08/2020 19:28

Perhaps the family members also want your DS to be at the centre, protected and prioritised, and believe the Tories would more likely do so better than any other party.

Billben · 21/08/2020 19:30

Always Labour or left wing voters who say stuff like this. Especially the ones that paint themselves as liberal, kind, tolerant, respectful of the opinions of others and supporters of democracy, quite clearly they are not they don't want democracy they want dictatorship.

Exactly. It’s always the Tory voters who get called all sorts of vile names under the sun. 🙄 If we turned around and did the same back to the Labour voters we’d be accused of bullying and all sorts.

Bourbonbiccy · 21/08/2020 19:31

You are absolutely fine to be angry with people who actively voted to make your life harder.

You can appreciate a democracy but be angry by those close to you not educating themselves on the ramifications of their vote, to you and your family. I'm assuming it's a not educated themselves or it's worse and they knew the ramifications and voted for it anyway.
Do you know why they voted that way, did it improve their lives ?

Lockdown had been hard, and definitely harder on others, it sounds tough for you. Be proud of yourself, you did it, you coped and the light is your PA is back on board to help out.

Once you are back in the swing to some sort of normal, you may find it easier to accomplish some of what you want to.

You did it, you coped through are really really tough time, be proud of yourself and look to the future a little more positive ,if possible ThanksThanksThanks

FaffingForEngland · 21/08/2020 19:38

OP perhaps your should point some of the blame towards the parties who voted in unelectable leaders? Nothing was done to replace Corbyn, despite it being patently clear that he didn't resonate with the public and his policies/manifesto etc didn't offer a credible option. And Jo Swindon was so it of her depth it was embarrassing to watch.

BonosSigh · 21/08/2020 19:39

If you want my higher rate tax contributions, I should be allowed to vote in the way that allows me to keep earning well. I'm not a huge huge earner, but I pay a great deal of tax and would like my children to benefit from this also (currently much of my salary goes on childcare, pension contributions, private healthcare (thus easing the pressure on the NHS) and travel expenses to and from work) and not work a relentlessly, stressful job just to prop everyone else up.

I have taken into account you, your son, the homeless and all those worse off than me. I have and will continue to do so.

Nonetheless, I chose to vote in the way that I thought would help the economy and the country, more.

Midsommar · 21/08/2020 19:42

You have my sympathies OP and I can't begin to imagine how hard your situation must be. But you can't remain in a constant state of anger because your family voted Tory. Let it go.

Flowers2020bloom · 21/08/2020 19:42

In relation to the feeling angry with yourself bit, I totally understand - it is a hard time! I try to focus on just those things that are in my control - I can waste so much time and energy on the bigger picture but it is better for my mental health to step away from that

MintyMabel · 21/08/2020 19:42

Especially the ones that paint themselves as liberal, kind, tolerant, respectful of the opinions of others and supporters of democracy, quite clearly they are not they don't want democracy they want dictatorship.

Funny that, isn’t it. Same thing with Christians.

MintyMabel · 21/08/2020 19:49

Thankfully I wasn't alone and again they didn't get a seat here.

I did the same, sadly I wasn’t successful. But then, these are the same people who voted for Eric Joyce, even after he was kicked out of the party and despite his high profile problems.

Billben · 21/08/2020 19:49

I love my dfamily and respect them but I still think they are wrong in this regard

I’d take that as an insult if somebody told me I was wrong to vote for the party I felt served my interest best just because it didn’t serve theirs. Who the hell are you to question their judgement? And no, you don’t respect them because you think that even though they are adults they are not capable of deciding for themselves who they should vote for. You think you know better than them and they should have voted for the party you wanted them to vote for because that was the right way to vote.
If you respected them then you would respect their right to vote however they chose and not get your knickers in a twist about it.

Imworthit · 21/08/2020 19:49

Sleep, eat, drink, exercise, scream at a hedge if it helps. Treat yourself like you would a baby..... Sounds like you just have generalised anger right now.

sst1234 · 21/08/2020 19:50

OP the people you should feel resentment towards or blame are the ones that abuse the safety net. People don’t vote Tory because they are stupid, callous, selfish or all of the other hyperbole. And frankly, reducing the motivation to lean to centre right to this kind in one dimensional language is absurd when more people identify with Tories than labour.

Your beef is clearly with centre right thinking, and the reason people identify with this is because they so so much abuse of the safety net. Of course deserving people caught up in the cut backs when public opinion calls for cut backs due to the waste and abuse.

Imworthit · 21/08/2020 19:51

@Flowers2020bloom

In relation to the feeling angry with yourself bit, I totally understand - it is a hard time! I try to focus on just those things that are in my control - I can waste so much time and energy on the bigger picture but it is better for my mental health to step away from that
This
sst1234 · 21/08/2020 19:55

@dadshere

I understand you. I cut off friendships of people who voted tory at the last election. They are either incredibally selfish, in which case I don't want to be friends with them, or incredibally stupid ditto. There aren't any other people who vote tory.
Keep going, you should by hired by Tory HQ as a poster person. As the left gets weirder, people abandon the comedy sketch that is labour and move to the tories.
1Morewineplease · 21/08/2020 20:10

Party politics do not alter the status quo of the needy.
The needy have existed for decades. Politicians of any persuasion, when elected, realise very quickly how expensive the needy are.
The trouble with the UK is that no one wants to pay more taxes and every party , for decades , will not resort to increasing taxes as it will lead to a loss of votes or a vote of no confidence in the prevailing party.
Most European countries have higher taxation in order to afford healthcare, childcare and senior care . They also have higher taxes on goods. UK folk wouldn’t tolerate this.

We in UK want the lowest possible taxes, like USA but the USA has all but nothing free, unless it’s a charity, which explains why so many people in USA actively support charities.

Crankley · 21/08/2020 20:17

Is it just me who tries to vote in the interest of the whole of society (which benefits all of us in the end) rather than in their own narrow interest?

I don't believe you, just like everyone else I'm pretty sure you vote in your own interests but it sounds good.

I would like to know what you think will change for your child with a Labour government? I've been disabled for many years, and there was absolutely no difference when Labour in power. They didn't magically provide me with anything extra, in fact the one time my DLA application was turned down was during a Labour Government.

I vote Tory because the Labour Party are economically illiterate, among other reasons.

Moonmelodies · 21/08/2020 20:20

The last election was also skewed by the people against Brexit who therefore had no option but to vote LibDem, irrespective of your DS.

StartingGrid · 21/08/2020 20:24

I'm quite disappointed no-one has pointed out to @dadshere that is you are going to refer to people as incredibly stupid, it makes you look a lot more credible if you can spell that.
@Livingtothefull can I ask what you feel your son has been deprived of, as you say you are comfortable so can support him in what he needs, so what actually did you want the state to contribute?

TitianaTitsling · 21/08/2020 20:27

@Billben

Always Labour or left wing voters who say stuff like this. Especially the ones that paint themselves as liberal, kind, tolerant, respectful of the opinions of others and supporters of democracy, quite clearly they are not they don't want democracy they want dictatorship.

Exactly. It’s always the Tory voters who get called all sorts of vile names under the sun. 🙄 If we turned around and did the same back to the Labour voters we’d be accused of bullying and all sorts.

Absolutely agree!
QuarantineDream · 21/08/2020 20:28

@Livingtothefull

Thank you all for your posts. I think a lot of you have misunderstood me and I think that is my fault for not communicating my position clearer.

I fully accept that we live in a democracy and that everyone is entitled to vote however they choose. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. People have their own reasons for voting the way they do and although I can strongly disagree with them, I respect their decisions.

I would like to believe that most people act in good faith when they vote. But when family members say to me (in explaining their decision) things like 'I voted Tory because I am a homeowner and the Tories act in the interests of homeowners' I just don't understand that I am sorry. They are saying (or it sounds as if they are saying) that their interests as a homeowner take priority over those of my DS and vulnerable people like him. They know how his entitlements have reduced over the years but still vote the way they do.

Is it just me who tries to vote in the interest of the whole of society (which benefits all of us in the end) rather than in their own narrow interest?

I never ask anyone how they voted btw, this is all unsolicited. I also think that the FPTP system we are stuck with is a problem as it forces people to choose between the lesser of evils - but that is a bigger debate.

Chloemol/KarmaStar - you are entirely right that I should not allow my anger to take over or use it as an excuse for not accomplishing things. I am not blaming other people as I know that, whether or not others are to blame it is my responsibility to overcome the situation I am in and reach for a better life.

So I do want to take ownership of this - my question is, how? Has anyone felt like this and what strategies/books etc were helpful in finding a way through?

If you voted Labour last election you didn't vote in the interests of "the whole of society" either, because it certainly wasn't in my interest.

I'm Jewish. I was absolutely terrified Corbyn would get in and had already made plans to leave the UK if he did, despite it meaning I would have to leave behind everything and everyone I know, and a country I was born and raised in, because I was genuinely afraid what a Corbyn leadership would mean for Jews.

Just like your family, you voted in your own interests. That's fine. But don't pretend it makes you morally superior.

Original poster
Livingtothefull · 21/08/2020 20:53

I didn't vote Labour. I am really sorry you felt such fear QuarantineDream, I think that Corbyn was a poor leader and would have been a poor PM.

I voted the way I thought was in the best interests of the country. I thought the vulnerable should be cared for long before I had my DS. I am not morally superior to anyone.

StartingGrid my DS is kept short of things which would make his life easier and by extension ours. If we are fairly comfortable (at the moment) it is because DH & I both work FT, although we are limited career wise because of the need to care for DS. Do you think it would OK for us to be poorer than anyone else?

'Of course deserving people caught up in the cut backs when public opinion calls for cut backs due to the waste and abuse' - and you think that it is OK for deserving people to suffer?

The abuses are actually very rare but the few cases there are get huge publicity from the Daily Mail and the like. Do you realise how hard it is to apply successfully for benefits, how many hoops you have to jump through?

I just don't agree that disagreeing with someone (even strongly) on an issue proves I don't respect them. Nor does it mean that I think them a bad person.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 21/08/2020 20:56

YANBU

I'm not able to respond further because of having to hold onto my sides for fear they would split, at the person who called Jeremy Corbyn toxic.

Can you imagine how the press would have slaughtered him if he had announced a furlough payment for workers? Yet Boris goes all socialist, and gets praise....

Just one example. the only toxicity lies with the media.

and @QuarantineDream, unless you were in the top 1 per cent, you wouldn't have been voting against your own interests, whatever you culture or race. It's literally like The Crucible in Labour right now. When I say I've never seen anti-semitism, I'm branded an antisemite. JC is not antisemitic. But yeah, it suits the zionists to shut down criticism of Israel.

I vote for the good of most of the country. As Nye Bevan said (you know, the guy who set up the health system you've lost and don't yet realise because the pen stroke hasn't been done yet?) "How can wealth persuade poverty to use its political freedom to keep wealth in power? Here lies the whole art of Conservative politics in the twentieth century". Still doing it successfully if Mumsnet is any indication.