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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to spend Christmas day with only DH and our kids

146 replies

Lasvegas · 04/10/2007 12:31

DH and I don't want to invite PIL over on Christmas day. We don't get to spend enough time with our children and just fancy a year when it is just the 5 of us. If other people are there the dynamics change and I would prefer playing with the kids and their new toys than catering for another 2 people. Is it ok to put ourselves first? Likely in years to come as PIL age we will end up 'looking after' them on Christmas Day so while they are healthy and mobile I want to relax my way.

OP posts:

kerala · 05/10/2007 11:16

Second tryingtoleave. People often get very prescriptive about what to do at Christmas and imo almost always follow the tradition of their own families. So you may have many quiet christmases ahead of you in the future!

From a more the merrier family - some of my happiest childhood memories are of enormous family Christmases. But acknowledge it can be hard work for the hosts

Kewcumber · 05/10/2007 13:21

I suppose what I don't get is the "stressing out and waiting on people" bit. We don't really do that. Nobody waits on anyone and we all have jobs to do to make sure lunch gets cooked and served and cleared up.

Surely you are all adult enough to say - we would love everyone to come for Xmas but you will all be given a job to do as I want to have a nice time too.

Perhaps I just have a nice family that don't argue or create hassle over that one lunch a year.

SingingBear · 05/10/2007 13:58

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portonovo · 05/10/2007 14:47

I suppose I'm looking at it from the other point of view as well. I think it would be unutterably sad and selfish of me if when my children are grown up they felt hey 'should' invite us for Christmas Day or were expected to spend the day with us regardless of their own wishes or family dynamics. I hope we will have the sort of relationship where they can feel able to tell us if they want the day with their own partners and children. It goes without saying I hope we are close enough in terms of relationship and distance to see lots of them, whether that's Christmas Day or not.

For what it's worth, when we were first married my husband and I sometimes spent Christmas Day on our own, or even just until tea-time, before seeing relatives for much of the rest of the week. We still enjoyed that, as well as enjoying the larger family get-togethers, and I see no reason we wouldn't still enjoy Christmas lunch/Christmas Day together if our grown-up children decided not to spend that day with us. Of course it's a different scenario if a parent is on their own or infirm or in some other way unable to 'do' Christmas.

grandmabet · 05/10/2007 14:56

Oh dear, how sad it all is. I am a mother, a mother in law, a grandmother, sister, etc. If any of my rellies don't want to be with me at Christmas, I'd rather they didn't invite me even if it means I'm on my own. The invitee will always be able to tell that they are there on sufferance, so surely it would be better not to be there at all. It's only one day for heaven's sake - and isn't it all for the children anyway - so grin and bear it if the kids are happy!

Lazarou · 05/10/2007 15:00

The more the merrier for me, I love a full house at christmas.

flatmouse · 05/10/2007 15:01

I love the big family christmas - all the people, all the cooking, all the presents!! Really enjoy it.

It's always at our house these days - we take turns, my family one year, hubbies the next.

Last year, it was in-laws turn to come, but FIL had made other plans (good for him!). We decided it'd be just us. DH and I loved it. Loved chilling with the kids and their pressies. We also had about 3 christmas's following christmas day when we still did all the entertaining.

However, altho DS and DD we believe had a fab day - DS did question frequently throughout the day "Who's coming to see us today?"

SingingBear · 05/10/2007 15:07

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TwitmonstEr · 05/10/2007 15:59

we never have anyone over on christmas day as no one gets on and everyone would argue over whose turn it was. so, now what happens is my dad comes for his usual 1/2 hour on christmas eve, the in-laws on boxing day [which i'm refusing to cater for this year] and my mum goes in holiday to greece with my step dad [who is greek]. they come over on new years day.

So there you have it.

lucyellensmum · 05/10/2007 16:14

This is a tough one, we have always gone to DPs parents on boxing day, we didnt go this year as his mum had a tummy bug (i did feel a bit weird about that as you get used to things).

My parents used to both come for xmas but for the past few years my dad has not been there in fact his last christmas was just awful as he had alzheimers and was in a care home. The "nurses" and i use that turn grudgingly, "strongly advised" that i didnt have him home for christmas dinner as it would be too stressful for him and us. That had to be the worst christmas of my life, we went to visit dad after our dinner to be told he hadn't eaten his dinner as he woudlnt sit down and then they came around with afternoon tea. The giggling, horrible little slags that were grudgingly working on christmas day , brought around jam sandwiches for his christmas day tea. We were devestated. My mum went ballistic, and i could see one of the nasty bitches sniggering around the corner when she was having a go. I will never EVER forgive myself for not having him home that day, it was his last christmas and it was AWFUL. My mum comes every year but its always a bit of a non event. I would quite like to have my in laws for xmas dinner as they never get a break and everyone always descends on them (to be fair MIL loves it), but its just not practical as then i would have to entertain BIL and SIL and their hoardes, we just dont have the room.

My advice - grin and bear it, make sure you have some time just with your children, and make sure you get boxing day to yourself, that way you can take the time to play with the new pressies etc. Can you possibly just have them for dinner and serve it later in the day, to give you the morning for the pressy opening?

lucyellensmum · 05/10/2007 17:28

sorry, didnt mean to kill the thread

scienceteacher · 05/10/2007 17:35

YANBU.

We have Christmas just in our family.

We never really did Christmas with my family because they are not Christian and they have a completely different celebration.

When we lived near the inlaws in the US, we did Christmas with them a couple of times, but in between we just agreed with them that we would do it alone - lots of rational reasons, such as just having seen them at Thanksgiving, and the children's toys etc. To our relief, they agreed totally. It was what they did too, after sheepishly approaching the subject with their parents.

We would rather visit family when the weather is better and you are not cooped up with them 24/7, and when the booze isn't flowing from dawn till dusk.

HonoriaGlossop · 05/10/2007 18:24

oh Lucy I'm so sorry about your dad. But at least you went, and your mum had a go...and I'm absolutely sure your dad wouldn't have been sitting there blaming you.

The more I think about this the less clear I am; I love big family christmases BUT when we go to SIL's there are so many people there (her DH has lots of siblings, then there are the partners, children etc) and to be honest we feel like spare parts; PIL hang out alot with SIL and HER in-laws, so they all know eachother very well whereas her in-laws et al are virtual strangers to us, with whom we have NOTHING in common....there's no time for ds to get any quality time with his GPs.....it's not the most heartwarming way to spend the day. Last year we just popped over at tea-time for a short visit

Justaboutmurdering · 05/10/2007 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crunchie · 05/10/2007 19:05

All I can say is that I lucky I don'thave parents who want me at Christmas!! I am Jewish and my family don't really celebrate christmas, so we always go to MIL. One year dh grandma came ot us as the rest of teh family were in ustralia and one year PIL came to ours (FAR BETTER FOOD!!) However we always go to theirs, it is the done thing and I can't get out of it.

TBH I wish it was just dh and I am the kids as DH will be away arriving back 8pm christmas eve, then leaving 8am Boxing day!! We will still go to MIL though

I only hope I can persuade her to let me cook. her food is foul

PavlovtheWitchesCat · 05/10/2007 20:27

This year, for the first year for a long time, its just going to be me, my husband of two weeks, and my currently 15 month old daugher.
Last year and the year before we travelled loads, the times before that with friends or again travelling to visit family.
This will be the first xmas DD will be interacting, and the first with us as a married couple. I am happy for relatives to come and visit before, or after, for a day, not a few days this time. But xmas day. Just us three, apart from maybe an hour at a friends house who has child similar age to DD.
I dont think its unreasonable to want this from time to time, as long as its not every year. Unless you hate your family

Swaliswan · 05/10/2007 20:57

This year we're planning to see family on Christmas Eve and boxing day, but Christmas day is reserved for us. It's our first Christmas with our DD.

Last year DH was in Iraq and next year I'll have to work unless I can manage to wangle another round of mat leave Neither of us can face choosing which set of grandparents to see, so we're going to be selfish and enjoy Christmas day being exactly how we choose it to be. If anyone threatens to come and see us I think we'll just go on holiday!

newgirl · 06/10/2007 13:14

do the kids like their grandparents? if they do, then id invite them as the day will be even nicer/more unusual for your kids

if not, then dont

if they do come (as i said last year!!) ask them to baby sit on xmas eve and go out!

BexieID · 07/10/2007 10:14

Last year it was min and DFs first xmas together (and Toms first!) so we both opened a pressie from each other and Tom had one in the morning, then we went to the in-laws to open the rest, then came back to our where we cooked the turkey and we ate next door at SILs, lol. We ate there as she has a table big enough for 6! My parents live 430 miles away and no doubt my mum will be all miserable about xmas again this year!

We also had our own lil xmas dinner on new years day.

WideWebWitch · 07/10/2007 10:32

We have done Christmas with just the 3 (or 4 since dd, who's nearly 4) of us for ages. It's great, no pressure, we eat when we want, do what we want, it's truly relaxing.

I think it's completely fair enough.There are always fights in my family but we have utter peace if it's just the 4 of us.

TheStepfordChav · 07/10/2007 12:12

WWW, I agree with you. Also with the comment that it's OK with a houseful, or just the family, but one extra person can be a stress (especially if they try to upset the usual rituals eg tv, dinner times, present-opening times)

For ages now we have had a lovely relaxing day with just the 4 of us. Two years ago we did the big family thing at ILs. It was OK - different, loads of cousins etc, but meant lots of compromises and abandoning our usual Xmas routines/traditions. I thought the dch would want it again but last year they wanted our 'usual'. We do the rounds, visiting, the week before.

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