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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Christmas day with only DH and our kids

146 replies

Lasvegas · 04/10/2007 12:31

DH and I don't want to invite PIL over on Christmas day. We don't get to spend enough time with our children and just fancy a year when it is just the 5 of us. If other people are there the dynamics change and I would prefer playing with the kids and their new toys than catering for another 2 people. Is it ok to put ourselves first? Likely in years to come as PIL age we will end up 'looking after' them on Christmas Day so while they are healthy and mobile I want to relax my way.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 04/10/2007 14:57

YANBU if that what you want to do.

But for us christmas is a celebration. We don't do the relaxing in pjs thing at all! We dress up, we make the house look nice, we cook a special meal and it's better with guests. OK, our house is a bit small (and TBH I prefer going to my parents' nice big house) but it doesn't really matter. I would probably not feel like that if they all stayed overnight though.

Boxing Day is slob day - leftovers, long walk (if I can drag DH out of the house) too much chocolate and cr*p on TV).

CountessDracula · 04/10/2007 14:57

Morticia7
If none of them help her then I'm afraid she is allowing that behaviour, it isn't hard to say "come on then you lot give me a hand" is ti?

MorticiasMother · 04/10/2007 14:58

No CD it isn't. But as it's not really my family I can't interfere. Dh doesn't like stirring trouble and I can't just stand there and watch her run around after everyone at 71.

motherinferior · 04/10/2007 15:02

I'm 44 and I haven't had my Christmases. I'm not dead yet.

motherinferior · 04/10/2007 15:03

(Not that I do Christmas lunch anyway. Mr Inferior does.)

CountessDracula · 04/10/2007 15:03

nice

MorticiasMother · 04/10/2007 15:07

Yes but you've had your share of other people doing all the cooking and organising whilst you sat back and looked on.

The way I look at it is this; from birth to 12 you get everything done for you, especially at Christmas.
From 12-you leave home, you are expected to do a little bit to help.
you leave home - you get married, you are entertained and welcomed back into the family like the lost sheep.
Marriage - retirement, you are the one who cares for others, cooks and entertains.
Retirement - kick the bucket. You relax and let the younger generation do everything.

Now it doesn't always work like that, but it should.

GColdtimer · 04/10/2007 15:09

It is up to you and I don't know the dynamics of your family - will they be on their own, missing their grandchildren or will it not matter to them?

Personally I think Christmas is a time for all the family. My memory of christmas as a child is one of lots of people, chaos, laughter and general merriment, I would have hated to just be with my parents, I would have been sooooo bored.

Also, how will you feel the day your DCs say "we don't want you around Mum, we want the day to ourselves". Some people would be fine with this but I think I would be a bit upset.

oliveoil · 04/10/2007 15:11

we (me, dh, dd1 and dd2) go to MIL, usually another 3 or so people there as well

great day, girls open presents at our house and then open another lot there, lots of noise, food etc

I would be bored with just the 4 or us tbh

I think you are being a tad mean tbh

NoCuddles · 04/10/2007 15:12

YANBU, I have done the same this year, it will be my baby's first xmas (EDD 12/11/07) and I have told both my parents and the PIL that it is just me, DH and LO this xmas.

I am doing a buffet on boxing day and have invited my parents and PIL round so that they can spendsome time with LO.

bozza · 04/10/2007 15:39

Everyone, I think you should read nailpolish's post. And I agree with the idea or why choose that one day to be a selfish one, surely against the spirit of Christmas?

Although sometimes it can be hard to get the set up that suits everyone and you need to compromise. Our compromise is travelling around on Christmas Day - but at least that means the children can squeeze in a nap/downtime and I don't have to spend time cooking. We actually see both families on Christmas Day - one for dinner and one for tea so the other downside is it is a bit of a squeeze to fit it all in. And I always worry that the children will miss out on playing with their toys etc. But we stay home in the morning and then they choose something to take with them - and of course there are piles more toys to come. The other day I was rather surprised when 6yo DS said he liked Christmas because "we get to go to Auntie X's" - that is my Aunt by the way, not his. So that is as important to him as all the magic of Father Christmas coming.

heifer · 04/10/2007 15:50

well not meaning to put a damper on things - we would love to invite parents and PIL around on Christmas day, but seeing as they have all passed away we can't!!!

Think some of you guys are being a bit mean, I think children like having the family around, even if it does mean hard work for you...

Also remember, if you haven't invited the GPs with your children, then they are very unlikely to invite you around at christmas time as it won't be a tradition of theirs to pass on...

heifer · 04/10/2007 16:14

ok as no one has posted since I obviously have put a damper on things..

Either that or you are all busy writing christmas invites to the family....

GColdtimer · 04/10/2007 16:15

heifer, that is really sad. To have lost both sets of parents and no grandparents for dd.

mumblechum · 04/10/2007 16:15

Oh God now I'm feeling guilty that we don't have the rellies for Xmas.

It would mean flying to Edinburgh to pick up the mil (she won't get on a train or plane alone), my ancient parents spending 7 hours on the motorway to get to us, then flying back to Ed. to drop the MIL off again.

Both sets of parents have other kids/grandkids local to them.

PLEASE can I be excused from the Xmas crap, please please????

OrmIrian · 04/10/2007 16:19

I think you probably can mumblechum.

Might also add (as someone who likes to see family on Christmas day) that on the one occasion we had to go elsewhere and not see my parents, they went to a hotel and had a really lovely meal and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I was releived as I'd been feeling guilty about abandoning them

heifer · 04/10/2007 16:21

twofalls - it is sad for DD. Especially as my parents were really hands on with their other grandchildren (1 brother has 4 boys and the other brother 1 boy)...

DH dad passed away before I met him, but his mum was lovely and would have loved DD..

My mum is the only one that got to see DD, but sadly passed away when dd was just 2 (and was ill for a year before that)..

I am not saying that we always invited parents/pil over before that - but we did always make sure that one of us children had them around - or went to theirs (mostly)...

tortoiseSHELL · 04/10/2007 16:22

In lots of ways it's easier having people though - 2 years ago we had dh's brother and his family over from the Far East, was fantastic, 3 more people to cater for, but 3 more people to play with the children when I was cooking dinner, I even managed to get to Midnight Mass because they were in the house (normally I can't go because it's not really a great time to get a babysitter...).

THink is a bit mean to say 'it's our day, we want to be on our own'

GColdtimer · 04/10/2007 16:33

heifer, I am really sorry to hear that for you, your DH, and DD. It sounds like you have had a rough few years in that respect, I do feel sad for you. I only had one GP for most of my life, my nan, but she lived with us and I really, really loved her. She died when I was in my 20s.

Between my brother and in-laws we would always make sure that the grandparents are not alone at christmas if we don't spend it with them ourselves. I am sorry that you no longer have that opportunity.

tortoishell, I agree. The more of you around, the better I think.

keeplaughing · 04/10/2007 16:39

Definitely do what you want to do

fircone · 04/10/2007 16:54

heifer - I understand because my parents have died too, and it does make it hard when you know that the other grandchildren in the family have had the benefit of them!

To return to the OP, it so depends on what one's pil are like (and it usually is pil who are the problem!). My pil are AWFUL. Last time they came for Christmas they brought nothing, not even a solitary mince pie. I spent over three hours in the kitchen all alone slaving over a hot stove. They didn't even help to clear the table.

They are coming again this year, but it just serves to make me miserable that my Christmases growing up were magical, and now my Xmas Day is just spent waiting hand and foot on two miserable old meanies.

jetgirl · 04/10/2007 16:55

YANBU - I took great pleasure in telling the in-laws it was just going to be us for Christmas this year. So MIL assumed I'd invited my parents for Christmas dinner and I said no, the look on her face was priceless! I don't think she could get the concept of DH and I wanting our own family Christmas this year - have 2nd baby due in Nov, and just don't want to get stressed, would rather DD, aged 2, had a really enjoyable Christmas day.

Make Boxing Day a family day instead - no cooking to do, serve leftovers, and in-laws can still be involved in present opening if they're worried they're going to miss out on that as all the presents in one day can be a bit overwhelming for the kids.

DumbledoresGirl · 04/10/2007 16:58

sparkybabe, just seen your comment to me. This Iraqi did (celebrate Christmas). He was a Catholic!

unpaidcleaner · 04/10/2007 17:22

i dont think it's unreasonable to want to spend christmas day with your husband and kids and do what you want. but then i would say that - i'm the one from the stepkids thread, dreading them coming too ! (they're both adults, one has her own toddler, but they do nothing to help, and i feel like a bloody slave on Christmas Day!!)P.s. thinking of changing my MN name to BitterandTwisted

LucyJones · 04/10/2007 17:29

we always used to go to my parents' for Xmas.
But one time my mum said she had done Xmas dinner every year since she got amrried.
Her parents and my dad's parents had never invited us to theoir houses, they always came to ours.
I realised that my mum really wanted just one year off, poor thing!
Now we take it in turns.

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