To want to spend Christmas day with only DH and our kids

[Lasvegas]

DH and I don't want to invite PIL over on Christmas day. We don't get to spend enough time with our children and just fancy a year when it is just the 5 of us. If other people are there the dynamics change and I would prefer playing with the kids and their new toys than catering for another 2 people. Is it ok to put ourselves first? Likely in years to come as PIL age we will end up 'looking after' them on Christmas Day so while they are healthy and mobile I want to relax my way.

I like to stay home xmas day but dont mind people coming over. MIL usually comes around 10am to bring DS's pressies so she can see him open then - she also brings the turkey and stuffing - she has a huge oven and cooks 3 or 4 . She and hubby then pop to see the other grandchildren before going onto her brother as he's on his own.

FIL comes over on boxing day as he likes a drink at xmas and cant if he comes to us as has to drive. Its his choice though, some years he comes for xmas dinner but prefers boxing day.

Lost my mum when I was a child so I always make sure both of hubbies parents are happy with the arrangements and would change my plans if they werent. Life is too short to spend alone.

She got married in 1964 and had her first Xmas dinner cokked by someone else in 2004

YANBU

Why is it selfish to want to spend time with your partner and your children? I reckon Christmas is a long enough celebration to do that and have time with other relatives too.

Pick the bits that matter to you and work around that. Some people see Christmas lunch as sacrosanct, but are willing to have people over for Christmas tea or go to in-laws for tea. Others want the whole of Christmas Day to their immediate family but like having the huge extended family sort of gathering on Boxing Day or New Year's Day or any day in-between. We don't go elsewhere on Christmas Day, but usually spend the whole of one day over the Christmas period with my in-laws. It's still as special - mother in law makes a special effort with the food and table settings etc, the house is still decorated, the children can take Christmas toys up to show their relatives and to play with, we still sit around after tea and play mass family card games. We also do a 'return' invite later on in the week, often on New Year's Day, when my husband's parents, grandparents and one or more siblings come to us for the day. They are brilliant get-togethers and still special and fun times despite the fact they are not Christmas day.

From what I can gather, the OP was not about to leave anyone alone on Christmas Day. Her in-laws are quite able to 'do' Christmas for themselves that year (I don't know if there are any siblings involved?). As long as she makes sure they see lots of the grandchildren over the Christmas period (assuming they live close enough), why does it actually have to be Christmas Day? Or if they live near enough, it could even be part of Christmas Day.

Having a family is about establishing your own traditions - that might keeping some you've grown up with, but it can also mean new traditions that are special to you. So that might mean new ways of 'working' the whole Christmas period and not doing something just because that's the way it's always been or it's expected of you. It might even mean a bit of compromise, 'we'd like Christmas Day this year just the 5 of us but would love to come to you/have you over next year'. In-laws have got to give and take too!

I think selfish is perhaps a little strong a description. But sad. They are her DH's parents, perhaps they still want to seond time with 8their8 child at Xmas, I doubt they love him any less because he's older. If youthink there is plenty of time to spend with others over Xmas then why not spend the time on your own on boxing day and with others on Xmas day.

of course PIl might be glad not to be invited but in our family we would dream of leaving a couple (PIL, or any other family)to spend Xmas on their own wihout being sure they had the option of going to someones house. If you spend most of your life as a married (possibly retired) couple, I would imagine the thought of Xmas day on your own like any other day would be unimaginably dreary.

But then we are a family for being sociable so I suppose that taints my view.

I only feel guilty about wanting christmas with just my family as both our mums are on ther own. Otherwise surely mum-and-day and PILs couild do their own christmas as well?

Mum-and-dad I mean!!

Interesting arguement about how we will feel when we are gps. I was walking back from school with other mothers of sons, all having issues with our mils - and I pointed out in a few years the boot would be on the other foot, we'd be the same women, but grumbling about our dils. They couldnt see it, at all.

But tresemma, surely you wouldn't leave your Mums on their own on Christmas day would you?

It's a difficult one this. my MiL comes over every Christmas because she's on her own. My BiL brings her from Yorkshire to Manc. When we were childless I could cope with it but now I so want it to be just the 3 of us. She has BiL and extended family in Yorkshire but she ends up coming to us regardless. BiL is crap to be honest.

She's extremely dependent in an emotional not physical sense) and HARD HARD work. It makes every Christmas day stressful and sometimes I end up crying. But then I feel selfish. MiL is on her own and previously had a W**r of a husband. My parents are still happily together.

One side of me thinks we should make the effort that's what you do at Christmas.

The other says can't we have one year just one the way we like it??

In the 8 years me and dh have been together it's been hard work every year, and she's never cooked dinner for us, not once.

It's a tough call!!

YANBU. Tell them you want to be on your own.

We've got it down to a fine art now, and see our relatives the weekend before. They didn't like it at first, but had to accept it, and it makes a lovely Christmas day for us. It's just not the same with ILs or parents there.

my mum and dp can't stand each other so I have to choose between them otherwise it would be like a war zone.. as I'm an only child and my mum's nearly 80.. she comes to me and dp goes to his parents

I guess it depends on your family, how you get along, and whether they will be happy to spend Xmas day by themselves.

I wish we had family to invite for Xmas. My parents died before dd was born and dh's family are thousands of miles away (and don't fly) - we see them at best every 3 years in summer. It seems that everyone disappears to family around Dec 23rd. Glad to see I'm not the only one who would prefer a houseful at Xmas and finds it a bit dull with just us.

The year my grandma died my mum announced just before xmas that she was off to Germany with a friend for the entire school christmas holidays. As we always spend xmas together I was really hurt. As it turned out, we had a really nice relaxing day at home with just us and our kids, spoiled only by the PIL turning up as we were cooking dinner and sitting there until it was ruined (but that is another story).

Since then mum has come to us every year. (We used to always go to her). TBH I would rather there were lots of people or just us. One additional person seems to cause friction and a lot of stress.

How will you feel when your dc tell you one day that they don't want you intruding on their 'family time'? Don't you think you will be hurt - not least because they don't consider you part of your family. I think that if you want to avoid spending your future xmases old and alone you should teach your children now, by example, that elderly parents should be treated with respect and kindness and that they are part of the family. My mil drives me crazy but I wouldn't exclude her and I hope any future dil would show me the same courtesy.

We have always spent Christmas day just the 2/3/4 now 5 of us. It started with not being invited by PILs for Xmas day as MIL found it too stressful (and I live abroad from my family) but it's turned out into our own little family tradition. Nothing wrong with it and there are plenty of other days or weekends around Xmas to spend with others.

Oops - I now see others have said the same thing as me. I was just too shocked to read the whole thread before I wrote.

I'm another one that still goes 'home' for xmas. Have only ever spent one year not at my mums house
I'm a single parent though and would find it very depressing to stay at home with just dd after being used to a chaotic houseful at xmas.
We normally stay over on xmas eve so dd has her xmas morning there.
We then spend boxing day with all extended family and then dd goes to dads until new year to spend the rest of the time with them.

Last year decided to do my good deed of the year and invited the PIL and the BIL - whilst it was lovely I found that I was in the kitchen 'catering' for all their needs whilst the others were in the front room playing with my DD & DS and their new toys

over the last 15 years we've tried all options, staying over at my sisters (we were all sick due to BIL's lack of turkey hygiene), having sisters over, having inlaws and MIL's aunt over (MIL's aunt didnt speak a word to me the whole day) and it was a disaster. There's never enough seating to go round, the children feel in the way as the inlaws wanted teh tv on all day and its too much work for me. So for the last 8 years or so we've had xmas by ourselves and will continue to do so. Inlaws keep trying to invite tehmselves over to ours for xmas buta as they live abroad it wouldnt work anyway as they would expect to stay for a couple of weeks.

i see your point trying to leave. In our case though my childrens' only grandparents (my parents are dead) have no interest in their onlky grandchildren for the rest of the year and experience has shown that they are not interested at xmas either.

That's different forsale, of course. It sounds sad for everyone and in the end it's the gps loss.

But, to add to what I said before, it seems from everyone's comments that the kind of xmas they grew up with is what they want. So, if your dcs grow up with a big family xmas then that is what they will continue to want when they are adults and, hopefully, their parents and pils will be included. But if they are used to a quiet, nuclear family xmas then they probably won't feel any need to make an effort for their parents in the future.

tryingtoleave, I so agree with you. Well said.

But in the interests of fairness I must add that I totally see the wish for some close family time; many families are big and hectic and make the day exhausting; however, personally, I do like Christmas day itself to involve wider family.

I must be Honoria-no-mates cos I find there are numerous other days over the christmas holiday where we don't see other people and can have relaxed family time!

not neccessarily tryingtoleave.. my christmases as a child were big affairs and I really loved them... however, I really enjoy spending some xmas's with just dh and kids.. I personally don't see anything wrong with wanting to spend xmas on your own.. Why spend a special day getting stressed out, waiting on other people, and missing out on your kids playing with the pressies. Some people may enjoy that, some may not. That said if either one of our parents were on their own - which they are not then I would proberbly invite them. By doing both big and small xmas's, the kids can see what both feel like and make their minds up.