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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't do this now I'm back working

123 replies

TillyTim · 19/08/2020 13:55

I have been furloughed for a couple of months and so was helping out a lot looking after my husband's children when he and his ex were working.

I am now back at work and have been for a week and a half but working from home. I can't do it anymore.

I was brought back because our department has suddenly boomed and we are so busy, I am constantly on the phone, trying to do meetings on zoom etc... And due to the nature of the work, a lot of it is confidential and time sensitive.

I am working in the living room due to not having any space in the bedroom for a table and chair and my SCs have been playing Xbox loudly on the TV with friends or pestering me for things to do because they are bored whilst I'm trying to work, arguing between each other etc etc...

AIBU to tell DH when he gets home that he and ex will have to arrange something else now from next week. I'm being distracted and taken away from work too much. I helped out as much as possible when I was able to but now I can't.

Ex has a partner working from home who is never expected to help out and both DH and ex have parents within a reasonable distance to help too. I feel like I'm just the easiest option but it's not working for me anymore.

DH hasn't taken a single day off to help with the kids during this and I am starting to get really stressed with it and feel like it's not my responsibility and certainly not my works, I don't want to piss them off with me being distracted from looking after children during the day especially as they aren't mine.

Kids are both under 10.

OP posts:
milienhaus · 19/08/2020 13:56

100% not unreasonable

MintyCedric · 19/08/2020 13:57

YANBU.

You are working, they need childcare. Presumably its only for a week or two until they are back at school anyway?

Crunchymum · 19/08/2020 13:57

Are you the same poster who asked about asking her DH for money to do activities with his kids, whom you were looking after why your DH and his Ex worked?

Windinmyhair · 19/08/2020 13:57

YANBU - the children's parents need to step up.

I wouldn't give them til next week either.

They are taking advantage of your good nature.

Original poster
TillyTim · 19/08/2020 13:58

No I'm not, sounds like others in same situation though!

Yes should only be until they are back at school. Not exactly sure when that is but a couple of weeks I imagine.

OP posts:
Dennysheart · 19/08/2020 13:59

Time for the parents to step up. You’ve helped out when you can’t and now you can’t. Your dh and his ex need to formulate a plan that works as this doesn’t work for you now.

How old are the kids?

Original poster
TillyTim · 19/08/2020 14:01

Thing is I just don't know what they'll do if no one else steps up (grandparents etc..), I guess they'll have to take leave between themselves or something which I feel a little bad about but at the same time I'm just too stressed with it now and it's not my problem.

OP posts:
SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 19/08/2020 14:04

They are taking the piss!!!!

EL8888 · 19/08/2020 14:06

Their children = their problem. You have helped lots but it’s time to step away. Your partner and his ex need to work something out

Sunnydaysandsalad · 19/08/2020 14:06

It has amazed me these past few months regarding dsc.
Previously posters are told to put up and shut up about dsc and now posts are dsp who have happily provided free child care!!
Bet all the good will is forgotten before long and dsp are told their place by exes..
Yanbu to resign as free carer op. You have def done your bit.

CallmeAngelina · 19/08/2020 14:07

Thing is I just don't know what they'll do if no one else steps up

Not your problem. They've taken advantage of your good nature for too long. Why is your job less important than theirs?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2020 14:07

They are being spectacularly unreasonable to have expected you to carry on sound childcare now you’re back at work. Why didn’t this crop up as soon as you knew you’d be working from home?

You’ve done them both a MASSIVE favour. It was a kindness not an obligation. The very least he should have done when he knew your furlough was ending was talk to his ex about them both arranging suitable childcare away from your home.

You’re not the first SM who’s had the piss taken over the last few months. The real victory of the “step mums are evil” narrative is it’s now so pervasive that women like you are doubting your own minds and bending over backwards like absolute mugs for little or no thanks or consideration.

Original poster
TillyTim · 19/08/2020 14:08

To be fair, I offered to help when I was furloughed as I didn't really have anything else going on and I felt it was more important that DH and ex worked rather than take unpaid leave or whatever.

I think because I'm still at home, the situation has just carried on as it were. Well not now!

OP posts:
Original poster
TillyTim · 19/08/2020 14:11

The real victory of the “step mums are evil” narrative is it’s now so pervasive that women like you are doubting your own minds

Very true!

I don't often think of myself as the 'mug' type but yes you're right.

I'll speak to DH when he's home and tell him it's not working now.

OP posts:
Ohtherewearethen · 19/08/2020 14:13

This is ridiculous! I can't believe your husband thought this would be acceptable. If grandparents can't help and parents aren't willing to take time off then they take the children to work with them instead of you having to do that. The only acceptable response to this change in circumstances is a big gift for you from the children's parents to thank you for making their lives so much easier during lockdown.

modgepodge · 19/08/2020 14:14

Do you have to work from home? If you had to go in to an office to work this question wouldn’t even arise - you’re back at work, childcare is needed, simple. I can see that with you at home, they are expecting you to just be the responsible adult and the kids can just crack on and entertain themselves, as millions did during lockdown when schools/childcare providers were closed - but the difference is now childcare IS available so if they aren’t able to entertain themselves and need looking after, it’s up to their parents to sort it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2020 14:15

Sorry, that came out more aggressively than I’d intended Flowers

As a fellow SM I’m sending sympathy but also a gentle kick up the arse. You’ve done it all for months to support his work, what’s he doing/done to support yours? Be very clear in your mind what needs to happen - you need the house or a big enough quiet enough bit of it to work in uninterrupted, and you don’t care who takes over the childcare but someone else has to immediately - and don’t stand for any handwringing or emotional blackmail. You have more than done your bit. Your employer needs you now.

Original poster
TillyTim · 19/08/2020 14:20

@modgepodge

Do you have to work from home? If you had to go in to an office to work this question wouldn’t even arise - you’re back at work, childcare is needed, simple. I can see that with you at home, they are expecting you to just be the responsible adult and the kids can just crack on and entertain themselves, as millions did during lockdown when schools/childcare providers were closed - but the difference is now childcare IS available so if they aren’t able to entertain themselves and need looking after, it’s up to their parents to sort it.
Yes unfortunately I do! I'm classed as vulnerable so work have asked for me to work remotely instead. I'd love to be in the office, could do with some human contact!

I imagine you're probably right in that it was expected to just be the adult in the house whilst kids got on with it but unfortunately it's not turned out that way!

Ha don't worry @AnneLovesGilbert! Kick away, I obviously needed it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2020 14:21

I’ll hang around if you need another, just shout Grin

LizB62A · 19/08/2020 14:22

Exactly - it's not you're problem, you've done your bit !

Original poster
TillyTim · 19/08/2020 14:31

So in terms of notice, is tomorrow too soon for him to sort something else do we think? 😂

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 19/08/2020 14:32

This is what many women (and men but not so much) have had to do during lockdown (me included) but the difference is you don't HAVE to as they are not your children!

I would be letting my dh know that he needs to sort something else with immediate effect. At least they go back to school in the net week or two so not much time to have to sort child care for.

NoSleepInTheHeat · 19/08/2020 14:34

An interesting point is that the ex’s partner who is also WFH is not expected to share the load with you so at least it means people respect that WFH is still working. Use it to your advantage: tell your DH that you can’t work in these conditions and ask what he and ex have planned.
Don’t let him guilt you into continuing just for x more days/weeks, say you have an important meeting on say Monday and DC can’t be there. Considering you have been helping out for months it would be fair for the ex to handle this short term in the sense that your help counted as your DH’s contribution.

Brefugee · 19/08/2020 14:34

well... if you suddenly became somehow incapacitated he'd have to find something PDQ, or not?

HorsePellets · 19/08/2020 14:34

DH hasn't taken a single day off to help with the kids during this

DH hasn't taken a single day off to deal with his kids during this

There. Fixed it for you.