To say I can't do this now I'm back working

[TillyTim]

I have been furloughed for a couple of months and so was helping out a lot looking after my husband's children when he and his ex were working.

I am now back at work and have been for a week and a half but working from home. I can't do it anymore.

I was brought back because our department has suddenly boomed and we are so busy, I am constantly on the phone, trying to do meetings on zoom etc... And due to the nature of the work, a lot of it is confidential and time sensitive.

I am working in the living room due to not having any space in the bedroom for a table and chair and my SCs have been playing Xbox loudly on the TV with friends or pestering me for things to do because they are bored whilst I'm trying to work, arguing between each other etc etc...

AIBU to tell DH when he gets home that he and ex will have to arrange something else now from next week. I'm being distracted and taken away from work too much. I helped out as much as possible when I was able to but now I can't.

Ex has a partner working from home who is never expected to help out and both DH and ex have parents within a reasonable distance to help too. I feel like I'm just the easiest option but it's not working for me anymore.

DH hasn't taken a single day off to help with the kids during this and I am starting to get really stressed with it and feel like it's not my responsibility and certainly not my works, I don't want to piss them off with me being distracted from looking after children during the day especially as they aren't mine.

Kids are both under 10.

@Crunchymum

Are you the same poster who asked about asking her DH for money to do activities with his kids, whom you were looking after why your DH and his Ex worked?

I remember this thread too! It was so bad. The poor op.

Yanbu op. They need to sort something else out between the two of them. You've helped, which was nice of you and what I'd like to think I'd do in those circumstances. Now you can't help and they need to find something else.

Whether it's too short notice for him to sort something else isn't more important than you being able to do your job. Especially given the HUGE amount of free childcare you've provided already.

If it's too short notice, your DH will have to take emergency parenting leave, you know, using the entitlements that so far you've put yourself out to make sure he hasn't had to use.

You helped while you were able but now your work situation has changed. YANBU to give them a week to sort out some form of childcare that does not involve you and allows you to work from home in peace. They should be grateful for your free contribution whilst furloughed.

I guess you could say you did Mon-Wed whilst WFH so someone else could do Thur-Fri even if they are working

Why should op do a single day never mind 3 and effectively their own parents have a day each?

I wouldn't wait for him to get home either so it will turn into a discussion.
Text him, I cannot work and look after your and X children anymore. You will both need to make alternative arrangements asap.

I also wouldn't have kids with him either.

Depending on your relationships I'd message both and say sorry not doing this now I'm back at work. Please find another solution as of tomorrow. Short notice but today's your last day of free childcare.

Can you not say that they have set up a safe working space for you & need you in there? Then suddenly (once they have set childcare up) are told that you can WFM but by then they have childcare & you cant anyway?

Not even being snippy because of the blatant piss taking. It honestly just isn't more important, at all.

If I were your employer I would be utterly incensed if for a minute you thought it was ok to put in a below-par performance because you'd chosen to prioritise not inconveniencing your partner. Using the time I pay you for partly as a vehicle for allowing someone else's paid time to not be compromised. Just not on.

Wait, wha... your partner and his EX used you as free childcare for THEIR kids? Like you're some sort of housekeeper? Bloody hell!

The kids are the parents' problem. Hand 'em back!

To be fair I do know of a couple whereby the Dad's new partner has basically become the defacto childcarer. Dad fucks off to work, Mum 'is too stressed' so she's basically stuck with two weed-addled, moody teenagers who mess up the house and get angry when challenged. She's had to cancel plans and days out because Dad's pissed off back to the office and she's basically sitting there utterly lumbered with them. Friends tell her she's being used but, I dunno, guess she's keen on the bloke, but she's deeply deeply resentful and being used as childcare by this couple, basically. It affects her life, her work and when she can see her friends and family too.

People are proper chancers aren't they?

Or say that you have had work complaints about the SC in the background & are under pressuere to do Zoom calls etc & work have told you no kids? Which is half true - there WILL be complaints & problems soon!

And yes you need to let him know now so that he can take tomorrow off to organise stuff.

If he so much as frowned I'd go ballistic. He's really truly taken the piss, I'm afraid.

Why is it ALWAYS the female who has to give up time/work/life to look after children?

Posession of male junk does not preclude looking after kids.

@TempestHayes

Wait, wha... your partner and his EX used you as free childcare for THEIR kids? Like you're some sort of housekeeper? Bloody hell!

The kids are the parents' problem. Hand 'em back!

To be fair I do know of a couple whereby the Dad's new partner has basically become the defacto childcarer. Dad fucks off to work, Mum 'is too stressed' so she's basically stuck with two weed-addled, moody teenagers who mess up the house and get angry when challenged. She's had to cancel plans and days out because Dad's pissed off back to the office and she's basically sitting there utterly lumbered with them. Friends tell her she's being used but, I dunno, guess she's keen on the bloke, but she's deeply deeply resentful and being used as childcare by this couple, basically. It affects her life, her work and when she can see her friends and family too.

People are proper chancers aren't they?

People are such fucking chances! That previous thread mentioned by crunchymum^^ was awful. Like this dickhead man with kids had seen the poor op coming, rubbed his hands with glee and thought, "ah sweet, free childcare and a cash machine for family holidays and activities". And women are made to feel they are being given special treatment, being allowed to be part of the family.

Stepmums are rarely evil ime on MN, but there are a lot of absolute twunts of divorced dads around, looking for their next scivvy! Grinds my gears I tell you.

@FizzyGreenWater

And yes you need to let him know now so that he can take tomorrow off to organise stuff.

If he so much as frowned I'd go ballistic. He's really truly taken the piss, I'm afraid.

Exactly. Tell him by text today (now!) you will lose your job & so from tomorrow either he can look after them or they need to use other childcare. Tell him you have several critical Zoom meetings & have been told that you need to be completely without background noise.

OP as if you even need to ask - YADNBU!

You've more than done your bit whilst you were furloughed, that's it you're back at work and babysitting duties are over.

Personally I'd turn the tv off now, pack the kids off to their rooms and as you are now working you need a quiet work space.

Do not feel guilty, do not let anyone say you've not done your bit, it's someone else's turn now.

Wow your good OP will you have my kids too 😂😂

@TillyTim

Thing is I just don't know what they'll do if no one else steps up (grandparents etc..), I guess they'll have to take leave between themselves or something which I feel a little bad about but at the same time I'm just too stressed with it now and it's not my problem.

I don't see why they shouldn't take leave, or get the ex's partner to help out. But anyway, you've more than done your share and it really isn't your problem any more.

Joking of course (unless you truly are offering free childcare services?) you are being taken for a mug. Tell them it is affecting your work and from tomorrow you can't do it. They have 2 parents and you are not 1 of them.

Thing is I just don't know what they'll do if no one else steps up (grandparents etc..), I guess they'll have to take leave between themselves or something which I feel a little bad about but at the same time I'm just too stressed with it now and it's not my problem.

You're right, it's not your problem. You've done more than enough.

It's their problem, and always was.

I’d like to know who the 1% is who thinks you are being unreasonable.
It’s completely unreasonable expect you to sort this for them.

Another option is to get your DH to find a responsible student who an take them to the park , organise activities etc, while you work. Plenty of bored teenagers looking for extra cash as all the pub jobs have dried up this summer. There's a young lass locally on FB who is aiming to be a primary teacher that seems to be in much demand as 'nanny while you work' and everyone has been singing her praises.

YANBU - you are back at work full time and the children are at the age where they still need someone looking after them full time. If you were back at work in an office, there would be no question of you looking after them; their parents would have had to find alternative arrangements, which is what they need to do now.

And don't let them guilt you into "it's only a few more weeks and then they'll be back at school." Whether that's the case or not, they obviously need backup childcare in place, whether this is grandparents, a childminder, nanny, etc. It's up them to research the options and agree what is best between them. And they need to do it urgently, not let it drag out. Just say you're not available form tomorrow onwards.

I’m amazed this hasn’t cone up the second you knew you had to start working 🤷‍♀️

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You need to do this now, set your boundaries, before it becomes the default expectation.
Don't waiver. It's HIS (and ex's) responsibility to sort childcare, not yours.

Can you work from another room eg the bedroom and lock the door, so it's clear it's a no go area when you're working?

I'd be tempted to send them a joint email today and ask them to get something sorted for tomorrow. Surely they can both take leave for the last few weeks and split is between them?