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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I can't do this now I'm back working

123 replies

TillyTim · 19/08/2020 13:55

I have been furloughed for a couple of months and so was helping out a lot looking after my husband's children when he and his ex were working.

I am now back at work and have been for a week and a half but working from home. I can't do it anymore.

I was brought back because our department has suddenly boomed and we are so busy, I am constantly on the phone, trying to do meetings on zoom etc... And due to the nature of the work, a lot of it is confidential and time sensitive.

I am working in the living room due to not having any space in the bedroom for a table and chair and my SCs have been playing Xbox loudly on the TV with friends or pestering me for things to do because they are bored whilst I'm trying to work, arguing between each other etc etc...

AIBU to tell DH when he gets home that he and ex will have to arrange something else now from next week. I'm being distracted and taken away from work too much. I helped out as much as possible when I was able to but now I can't.

Ex has a partner working from home who is never expected to help out and both DH and ex have parents within a reasonable distance to help too. I feel like I'm just the easiest option but it's not working for me anymore.

DH hasn't taken a single day off to help with the kids during this and I am starting to get really stressed with it and feel like it's not my responsibility and certainly not my works, I don't want to piss them off with me being distracted from looking after children during the day especially as they aren't mine.

Kids are both under 10.

OP posts:
NoSleepInTheHeat · 19/08/2020 14:35

@TillyTim

So in terms of notice, is tomorrow too soon for him to sort something else do we think? 😂
I guess you could say you did Mon-Wed whilst WFH so someone else could do Thur-Fri even if they are working
Original poster
TillyTim · 19/08/2020 14:36

@Sunshineandflipflops

This is what many women (and men but not so much) have had to do during lockdown (me included) but the difference is you don't HAVE to as they are not your children!

I would be letting my dh know that he needs to sort something else with immediate effect. At least they go back to school in the net week or two so not much time to have to sort child care for.

This is what got me thinking in the first place because I know a lot of people have been doing this and I'm not the only one! But as you say, I don't have to and I'm feeling like I can't really expect work to be understanding either when they aren't my children.

and I'd kill for some peace and quiet

OP posts:
Silentplikebath · 19/08/2020 14:38

Why hasn’t your DH taken any time off to be with his children? You need to be very firm about saying no more childcare because you are working. Your DH and his ex will need to make other arrangements.

Fedup21 · 19/08/2020 14:38

You are not unreasonable in the slightest! They have two parents who are not being inconvenienced at all-time for them to parent.

Ex has a partner working from home who is never expected to help out

This would really piss me off as well!

Original poster
TillyTim · 19/08/2020 14:39

An interesting point is that the ex’s partner who is also WFH is not expected to share the load

To be honest, he never has. He very much keeps the kids at arm's length in terms of helping out as far as I can see. There have been occasions in the past where it would have made sense for him to help out a little but he hasn't. I won't go into details but one time involved one of the children being very poorly in hospital and he still didn't seem eager to give a hand.

I'm not one to shy away from helping out when needed but yeah, the piss is being taken you're
all right!

OP posts:
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 19/08/2020 14:42

YANBU. You've done your bit, the parents should be undyingly grateful and now they need to make alternative arrangements.

ilikemethewayiam · 19/08/2020 14:42

Why is your job less important than theirs?

This

DH and Ex are being totally dismissive of your job. I would be really offended. As other PP’s have said, you have been really kind in helping them out but now your job Is your priority and their kids are theirs. Be firm and say as of Monday (or whenever) they have to make other arrangements. You’ve done your bit. Be firm OP, don’t cave!

Inaseagull · 19/08/2020 14:42

I'd call your DH right now and say it's not working, they will have to sort something out from tomorrow onwards. No further discussion required.

Brefugee · 19/08/2020 14:43

how about if you say - ok folks, I'm going to do exactly the same as ex's partner and be completely hands off.
Stepmums always get told on here that when you marry someone with children they come as a package. Seems that ex's partner didn't get the memo.

almondfinger · 19/08/2020 14:45

i wouldn't wait till your husband came home. I would text them both now and say that now that you are back at work, you are unable to actually focus, work and mind the children. And that they will have to figure out something going forward from tomorrow.

Otherwise they will play the 'you haven't given us enough notice' card.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 19/08/2020 14:46

Your partner and his ex are using you as free childcare and completely ignoring your needs and your work.

Stop them from using you immediately. Is your partner usually so ignorant of what you want/need/can do?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/08/2020 14:47

To be honest, he never has. He very much keeps the kids at arm's length in terms of helping out as far as I can see. There have been occasions in the past where it would have made sense for him to help out a little but he hasn't. I won't go into details but one time involved one of the children being very poorly in hospital and he still didn't seem eager to give a hand.

When you refer to him "helping out" or not, who is the person that he is or isn't helping out? Do you mean regarding being flexible over arrangements with his ex? Please tell me you don't mean that he doesn't help YOU out with the children?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/08/2020 14:48

This is one of the main reasons step mothers tend to get such a bad press compared with step fathers - so much more is expected from women so when you quite rightly push back and establish boundaries you're seen as the bad guy who's rejecting the children blah blah Hmm. You never, ever hear of men being put in the same position of being expected to take over the majority of shopping, cooking, laundry etc for his DSCs.

Get your DH told as soon as possible - you've done way more than enough already.

BigGlasses · 19/08/2020 14:49

YANBU - it is up to your DH and his ex to sort out their childcare. You have been very accomodating.

I'm actually quite angry on your behalf! Tell him tonight that it is not suitable for you anymore and they need to work out something else for tomorrow and the rest of the holidays.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 19/08/2020 14:50

My DH is WFH and he doesn’t look after the children when he’s working- and they’re his own kids! They’re older so need less supervision and I’m self-employed so they do their own thing while I’m working and I do the rest.
Get the parents to step up, OP!

MulticolourMophead · 19/08/2020 14:52

@almondfinger

i wouldn't wait till your husband came home. I would text them both now and say that now that you are back at work, you are unable to actually focus, work and mind the children. And that they will have to figure out something going forward from tomorrow.

Otherwise they will play the 'you haven't given us enough notice' card.

Yes, I would message now, and don't apologise. It's not working, so they need to sort something out.
netflixismysidehustle · 19/08/2020 14:53

Yanbu
You've given them quite a few days of notice which is very kind.

jessstan2 · 19/08/2020 14:53

@TillyTim

An interesting point is that the ex’s partner who is also WFH is not expected to share the load

To be honest, he never has. He very much keeps the kids at arm's length in terms of helping out as far as I can see. There have been occasions in the past where it would have made sense for him to help out a little but he hasn't. I won't go into details but one time involved one of the children being very poorly in hospital and he still didn't seem eager to give a hand.

I'm not one to shy away from helping out when needed but yeah, the piss is being taken you're
all right!

You sound absolutely great but enough is enough; your work is as important as your husband's and his ex wife's.

Unless the children are old enough to be told to keep quiet while you are working and obey, get your husband to make other arrangements for the next couple of weeks.

Good luck.

diddl · 19/08/2020 14:53

How often does he have the kids?

Starting point is at least that both parents look after their own kids during contact time?

daisychain01 · 19/08/2020 14:54

@TillyTim

So in terms of notice, is tomorrow too soon for him to sort something else do we think? 😂
I'd say yesterday isn't soon enough Grin

Lovely that your job has picked up, focus on that and enjoy the busy-ness.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/08/2020 14:56

sorry, OP, ignore my last post. I re-read and by "helping out" you were talking about your DH's ex's new partner? So ignore what I said, I thought you were talking about your DH helping YOU out with his own kids!!

HappyDays10101 · 19/08/2020 14:56

Completely talking the piss!

user1471538283 · 19/08/2020 14:57

They are their children and they will have to take leave between them to cover the holidays. Like every other parent has to
I'd tell him tonight

2bazookas · 19/08/2020 14:57

Tell the kids to turn off TV and X box because you are working. Send them to play /read/sulk in their bedroom.

Tell DH and his Ex, you can't mind the children on work days.

Windinmyhair · 19/08/2020 14:57

Tomorrow not too soon. I'd tell him from tomorrow, but expect a better result from Friday.

They are his kids. They have had free child childcare from you for ages - so you have been more than generous.

Tell him asap.