To say I can't do this now I'm back working

[TillyTim]

I have been furloughed for a couple of months and so was helping out a lot looking after my husband's children when he and his ex were working.

I am now back at work and have been for a week and a half but working from home. I can't do it anymore.

I was brought back because our department has suddenly boomed and we are so busy, I am constantly on the phone, trying to do meetings on zoom etc... And due to the nature of the work, a lot of it is confidential and time sensitive.

I am working in the living room due to not having any space in the bedroom for a table and chair and my SCs have been playing Xbox loudly on the TV with friends or pestering me for things to do because they are bored whilst I'm trying to work, arguing between each other etc etc...

AIBU to tell DH when he gets home that he and ex will have to arrange something else now from next week. I'm being distracted and taken away from work too much. I helped out as much as possible when I was able to but now I can't.

Ex has a partner working from home who is never expected to help out and both DH and ex have parents within a reasonable distance to help too. I feel like I'm just the easiest option but it's not working for me anymore.

DH hasn't taken a single day off to help with the kids during this and I am starting to get really stressed with it and feel like it's not my responsibility and certainly not my works, I don't want to piss them off with me being distracted from looking after children during the day especially as they aren't mine.

Kids are both under 10.

Look at your vote - 100% YANBU which is pretty rare, even more so as you're an SM who are always given a hard time on here. Your DH and his ex have been CFers expecting you to childmind whilst trying to work.

In the absence of a positive response from DH, I would take Monday as holiday and leave the house early, before he gets up, leaving him to deal with the children.

Good luck!

@YukoandHiro

Can you work from another room eg the bedroom and lock the door, so it's clear it's a no go area when you're working?

But why should she? She doesn't want to lock herself in a room to WFH. She has a home she can use not a room. She has done her bit all the time the kids have been off school. Time for ex's partner to take over now while he WFH.

@ButteryPuffin

Not unreasonable at all. As someone said, what would your partner do if you got rushed into hospital tomorrow? He'd have to take leave or work from home and step up. So he can do that now.

He'd put it all back on the children's mother to deal with. I very much doubt that he would "step up".

I can only imagine the conversation with your work OP if they asked you to explain why you were underperforming at work...

"Well, you see, while I'm trying to work from home I'm looking after two children that I don't actually have any legal responsibility for, so both their parents can hold down their jobs"...

YANBU OP, by a long, long shot! You were very kind to do as much as you did while you were on furlough IMO.

Shocking that the ex's new DP gets away scot free too - he'll no doubt have some excuse about "not being any good with children" and hence the role automatically falls to the next available woman.

This is at least the third thread since March/April with similar circumstances. I reckon this goes on in a lot of households and the Step mum just sucks it up and gets on with it in order to keep the peace.

Has he read the text yet OP?

No, I don't think that tomorrow is too short notice, if you're job is suffering and they're not your kids then you need to say something. They've been incredibly lucky you've been so accommodating up until now. Good luck!

he still didn't seem eager to give a hand
sounds like he's been strategic and sent a clear 'not my problem' message to make sure he doesnt get 'lumbered'

Step mother post and you are 100% nbu.

It's like an August miracle.

Someone get her a certificate!

@TillyTim

nanny while you work

That's a great idea. It sounds like I could have made a nice bit of cash while on furlough if I'd played my cards better!

I've text DH and told him anyway.

Sorry to the PP who was confused by my last message, yes I was referring to exes DP, not my husband.

Well done! What did he say?

Well, it's not often we see a unanimous YANBU

Well done for texting your DH, TillyTim, but with respect I hope you've not said anything about the SC distracting you ... because that could easily invite the comment "oh don't worry, we'll tell them they have to be quieter"

Like PPs I wouldn't be too impressed with DH putting all of this onto you in the first place, so the word you're looking for is "no"

Much as I think the situation is outrageous, if OP hasn't yet mentioned how hard it is, then I don't think the all guns blazing 'where the f are the parents' approach is helpful in the first instance. Too often we read about problems in step families, and here is a SP choosing to spend time with SC so it's not worth a major fall out, if at all possible.

However, the position is untenable and as pp have pointed out, the OP's job is no less important than those of the other three (yes, three, including the WFH partner) adults involved. The parents need to organise appropriate cover immediately. Who would normally have them in a school holiday?

Totally not unreasonable.

Expect your DH and XW to not agree though as it will cause them issues!

Has DH responded, OP?

@honeygirlz

Has DH responded, OP?

I too am waiting with bated breath for the response!

Tbh I think they should just be grateful you've done this for as long as you have!

Can you work from another room eg the bedroom and lock the door, so it's clear it's a no go area when you're working?

Noooo! OP, if your DH tries to suggest this stick to your guns and say no. The problem with this suggestion is that you would still be in loco parentis, as the only adult in the house you would be expected to deal with any issues and DC and teens aren't known for respecting privacy. You don't need them banging on the door when you're in a Zoom meeting. Nor should you have to confine yourself to one room and lock yourself in to be able to function in your job. Frankly, this solution let's the parents off the hook too easily.

I think you need to be in another place entirely Maybe a parents or friends home If you can’t go back to the office

If you stay at yours the expectation of childcare will continue
Remove yourself at least for a while- it’s annoying to have to do that but it would break the cycle

What happens if either under 10 dc has a mishap and op is working in another room? In mn land they aren't her responsibility.. She has done above and beyond already.
Let's hope your dh at least agrees with that.
Ex will likely blow her spoilt top.

I can understand while you were furloughed and the kids were off unexpectedly. BUT. And its a big but. Theyre now on 6 weeks holiday. What would they normally do for childcare?? That should be the place they use. If they cant for whatever reason then like they would if it was a normal summer holidays theyll have to take time off

OP,
You have had the piss taken out of you for months on the threads you have opened.

You were shattered in one because the children were fighting.........and I think you were wondering in another were you unreasonable to not want them 5 days a week.
That is you?

They have taken you to be an absolute mug.

But YOU are responsible for this.

If I was your employer I would be very disappointed in you.

Why are their jobs more important than yours?

Your SC's mother isn't allowed to take the piss out of her partner but YOU, the little wifey, is fair game by your husband.

We teach people how to treat us.

You have self respect issues that are huge.

Your husband doesn't respect you or your job, but then he is taking his lead from you.

Don't be a mug.

Have alternative arrangements been made OP? Hopefully DP has told his ex that it's her DPs turn now 🤔

Do you have the kids today, or did DH step up?

Did the OP come back?